#spilled ink poetry
i have a new addiction
to the vices i call ‘medicine’ -
but i promise it’s prescribed
chocolate, for the tears
coffee, for the head
oxytocin, for the heart
and when in need,
take all combined.
a single act spirals into overthinking;
if this, then that… but
you cannot let it overwhelm your senses, or
have you learnt nothing all these years?
there is more to the story, so
forget the blame and
abandon your regret, the
mistakes made in moments of weakness,
sacrilege committed against the heart,
engineered in iron will
tabernacled in your soul…
abbreviating history from its whole
–
abandon your regret, the
abbreviating history from its whole
there is more the story, so
you cannot let it overwhelm your senses, or
a single act spirals into overthinking;
sacrilege committed against the heart
tabernacled in your soul…
forget the blame and
mistakes made in moments of weakness,
engineered of iron will
if this, then that… but
have you learnt nothing all these years?
“distance makes the heart grow fonder”
has always been a lie…
distance makes the heart grow weary
of waiting on replies
i think a lot about that night
you grabbed my jacket without a word
slung my backpack over your shoulder
like it was yours
we sat in that small alcove where
couples gaze out the floor-length windows
then back into each other’s eyes
walking by on the street i always
thought it was romantic
two and a half hours already passed before
we landed on that mediocre second-
storey pizza place where we left
an entire box behind
and i didn’t realize until midnight passed
nothing ever feels missing when
you’re walking next to me
i skipped dinner the previous night
because i couldn’t bring myself to crawl
out the bed i’d been bleeding out on
you asked if i wanted to talk about it
you asked me how i know i’ll be alone
you told me that i don’t
i didn’t know how to tell you i’d imagined
myself living in an apartment with you
overrun with my plants and scattered eclectic
film props while you worked an actual job somewhere
i know i want you but i don’t want to need you
and i didn’t want to give you that burden
it wouldn’t be fair, i’ve done that before and
it never turns out well
so instead of dreaming i just prepare to live
by myself and that’s why i assumed
i’d have to be alone and honestly that’s
how i’ve been most of my life so far
and you’re not a magic wand that will
wave my deepest problems away
even though i used to wish for it
and we’ll share our ice cream
close the distance between our shoulders
like that’s just how it’s supposed to be
i search for a chance to brush by your
fingers instead but the right time never
seems to present itself so we’ll keep
dancing around each other wondering
what the other is thinking i suppose
maybe you know and maybe you don’t
you asked me if i was over the boy
i had loved so deeply before and i said
yes, it wasn’t that hard actually, it wasn’t
a representation of how much it meant but
how much i realized it would have never
fulfilled me and i think you’re different
i cross my fingers so history won’t repeat
itself but maybe i’m a creature of habit
who am i to ask you to live out my
dreams with me and leave a piece of
your soul embedded inside of me?
what i don’t realize is you’ve already
done that unwittingly and i’m not sure what
you’d make of it, maybe you know i don’t
respond well to outpours of affection so
you think twice before letting me know
i think that night was the one time you
almost thought you’d say it but maybe
you got scared or thought the better of it
you asked me if i felt the same that
tonight seemed to last forever and
in a moment of revelation under the near-
half moon you said you knew why
and you stared at me with that smile in
your eyes for the two longest minutes of
my life and you said
never mind, i don’t know.
I want to live in this state
where every breath feels like vaporous gold
my blood is ablaze with the violet flame
and the gravity of cosmic, elestial ethereality
suspends each simple speck of being,
pulsating with transcendent, growing energy
Aperture adjustment;
light parts the mist of the physical
a bloom, returned
consumed in energetic being
seeing through illusion
I want to transmute
the frazzled, festering things
that constitute the dissonant;
returned to harmony
with a decisive tap!
like liquid crystals flipped
to shine white light
Melt the astral ice
entice my mind and soul
to cascade into the ocean;
dissipate my shaking being;
make me feel whole
I am love. I am love. I am Love.
I am nothing.
i began to resent the good
things because i knew they came
at a price,
or they’d be taken as soon
as they were given—
he’s familiar to me,
his methods of punishment
and it’s pathetic, this cycle,
so pathetic
it hardly even hurts anymore
every path, a dead end
and the land is flooding—
water up to my waist and i’m
still stuck in the same
place i’ve always been
interesting how i’ve
crafted this nightmare for
myself
i suppose
it’s what i deserve,
or maybe i just have a
bad imagination
