December reminds me that I have loved
But that I’m not loved
At least, not loved enough for someone
To want me to be a part of their holiday celebration

Our love is not worth celebrating. 

i keep seeing myself like an actor and it is not even my play.

i feel this ache to remember my friend´s smiles, their laughs, their flaws, their steps.

slowly drifting from my old self and uncomfortably stepping in my purgatory.

i know i decide but why do i not want to.

what if i have always been purgating and i love it here.

i think a lot about that night
you grabbed my jacket without a word
slung my backpack over your shoulder
like it was yours
we sat in that small alcove where
couples gaze out the floor-length windows
then back into each other’s eyes
walking by on the street i always
thought it was romantic
two and a half hours already passed before
we landed on that mediocre second-
storey pizza place where we left
an entire box behind
and i didn’t realize until midnight passed
nothing ever feels missing when
you’re walking next to me
i skipped dinner the previous night
because i couldn’t bring myself to crawl
out the bed i’d been bleeding out on
you asked if i wanted to talk about it
you asked me how i know i’ll be alone
you told me that i don’t
i didn’t know how to tell you i’d imagined
myself living in an apartment with you
overrun with my plants and scattered eclectic
film props while you worked an actual job somewhere
i know i want you but i don’t want to need you
and i didn’t want to give you that burden
it wouldn’t be fair, i’ve done that before and
it never turns out well
so instead of dreaming i just prepare to live
by myself and that’s why i assumed
i’d have to be alone and honestly that’s
how i’ve been most of my life so far
and you’re not a magic wand that will
wave my deepest problems away
even though i used to wish for it

and we’ll share our ice cream
close the distance between our shoulders
like that’s just how it’s supposed to be
i search for a chance to brush by your
fingers instead but the right time never
seems to present itself so we’ll keep
dancing around each other wondering
what the other is thinking i suppose
maybe you know and maybe you don’t
you asked me if i was over the boy
i had loved so deeply before and i said
yes, it wasn’t that hard actually, it wasn’t
a representation of how much it meant but
how much i realized it would have never
fulfilled me and i think you’re different
i cross my fingers so history won’t repeat
itself but maybe i’m a creature of habit
who am i to ask you to live out my
dreams with me and leave a piece of
your soul embedded inside of me?
what i don’t realize is you’ve already
done that unwittingly and i’m not sure what
you’d make of it, maybe you know i don’t
respond well to outpours of affection so
you think twice before letting me know
i think that night was the one time you
almost thought you’d say it but maybe
you got scared or thought the better of it
you asked me if i felt the same that
tonight seemed to last forever and
in a moment of revelation under the near-
half moon you said you knew why
and you stared at me with that smile in
your eyes for the two longest minutes of
my life and you said
never mind, i don’t know.

more

is it so wrong to always be looking for more?
in taxis and churches and cinema halls,
where people appear like they didn’t before,
with nothing but silence to fill them all.

so this is what life feels like

a lot of things
cause me
anxiety at times

life is
beautiful
and it is extraordinary
in that we never know what
it is going to be
like or become;
to beware and to be
scared
of everything and
nothing
at once, it is foolish and
human, for what
else are we to
be
if not in
awe of the
future and in
spite
of the past, all of
which we
never realize our present
becomes.

i am turning
nineteen
and yet i know not why
i note
it
as if it should mean
something to
and of
me. but it
means nothing to
me, for i have
been in
love and i have been in
pain, and i have wanted
both and felt both
go away. yet i am
scared
of being
young and
simultaneously turning
old, and i can’t help but think i am just

scared.
of what?
what
is believing? for many take
years to find their
truth; i am just beginning
to grasp mine and yet, alas,
all men find
a
different truth. a world of
infinite
truths, that to
believe
in all is to believe in
none
at all.

who struck a match on my heart?

it’s on fire

well, let the rain do their part

and drown it out.

but there’s a weight to my feet,

i’m sinking into the mire

you said you won’t ever leave,

i didn’t think it meant this.

you take my words away

— and yet i still try to write about you // tans

i love the colour of your eyes, i freeze when they look into mine.

— there’s something magical about you // tans

what is done in love, is done wrong.

— but the wrong things feel right sometimes // tans

i feel this emptiness inside me. again.

— i wanna keep feeling things. just not emptiness // tans

your memories still follow me but you don’t

— tans

don’t tell me that i can’t do it because the next moment you’ll be praising me.

— tans

i could’ve abandoned my heart but who would’ve loved you till the last?

— tans

people ask me why i’ve trust issues and i tell them your name.

— come, see what have you done // tans

i should stop caring about people’s opinion and live a little.

— after all, you only live once // tans

i like you raw i like you who you truly are.

— so don’t ever change don’t ever change for anyone but yourself // tans

i miss the way i once felt loved

— won’t you come back? // tans

i was there for you and i’ll always be there for you. just remember that

— always means always // tans

fine.

i didn’t admit.

but i love you. a lot.

— tans

because you were kind of a big deal, i couldn’t let go this easily.

— the deal, however, caused trouble // tans

where are you? i’m tired searching for you.

— i wish to find you soon // tans

you should’ve warned me about the damage you were about to cause before coming.

— tans