#tw mental illness
Okay,
so I wanted to just talk for a minute. You don’t need to like it, or even read it. I just wanted to introduce myself.
Hi, I’m Evan. I’m 15 years old, and I was born November 16th 2005. I am a transgender male who lives in a toxic household. I enjoy, books, movies, and art.
I’m extremely emotional, and have a hard time showing that due to past trauma. I am not a good person, not even close, but lucky for me the world isn’t just black and white like that. I try my best and I like to think that I succeed sometimes. I strive to be gentle, kind, understanding, funny and genuine. I hope I come off as such.
I’m tall for my age with dark auburn hair and sea green eyes. I don’t speak much, it’s a speech impediment. I have a very bad stutter and I slur most of my words due to a brain injury I sustained when I was small.
I don’t have many friends, and most of the people I call “friends” know nothing about me. They think they do, but they sadly don’t. I’m not an easy person to know and understand.
Most people I’ve met don’t understand my scars, or how I could purposefully do that to myself. It’s the first thing they ask about. The scar from the right side of my top lip, across the bridge of my nose, or the scar from the left corner of my mouth to my collar bone. The track marks on my arms from my addiction. Or the slash from the back of my neck to my left eyebrow. They ask and they don’t like the answer.
Or even worse, some people are only interested in me for my scars.
They think there is some bold, brave story behind them. About how they happened while I was protecting someone.
When in reality, it was all me. Multiple failed attempts to feel something. Situations where I never learned, never grew, and never moved on.
I’ll end this here.
Hi, I’m Evan and I’m pretty fucked up.
As someone whose brain is in a perpetual state of self-cannibalization, this line made me laugh a little too hard
I keep thinking about the scene where the whole class gets down on killing. And Barry says he kills and like yeah he probably means his hitman stuff, but also like…
That scene was about how war is a socially acceptable way to kill, and suddenly they all feel bad because that was more morally grey. But they all felt bad because they didn’t realize that Barry had that history and they were suddenly confronted with the reality of the thing rather than, just, the hypothetical.
To them Barry is real and before the it was just an abstract.
Gene then goes on to say if you kill outside of war you are fucked though.
Anyway Barry’s killing in these scene could be drawn back into a metaphor for mental illness and everything is fine so long as you show the socially acceptable symptoms.
A very astute observation about that scene I hadn’t considered, thank you so much for sharing! I think a big part of the problem-and this probably isn’t an original thought-is that even if someone hasn’t experienced clinical depression, or doesn’t have an anxiety disorder, everybody knows what it’s like to be sad or scared. While with other less common symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, etc) there’s not really a neurotypical parallel. So the average person can’t relate and therefore finds them frightening or simply confusing. Which leads to those of us with illnesses that manifest in that way sharing less and less due to stigma. But anyway, I’ll stop rambling. Thank you for pointing this out OP!
Me when folks are only just now calling Barry fucked up after he starts showing psychotic symptoms and not while he was merely, you know, murdering people.
TW/CW Suicidal ideation
My psychiatrist: What things are you looking forward to that help combat your suicidal thoughts?
Me:
Psych: … Anything else?
Me: Not really. I know some people think it’s silly to care so much about them, but I figure if it keeps me around for one more day, that’s what matters.
Psych: That’s right. And I look forward to new shows, too. I’m glad you have that.
Me:
man dissociation fucking sucks ass!! whole chunks of my days are gone and i don’t remember what happened, having to record my conversations with clients so i refer back to them so i know what i need to complete bc i don’t remember what we talked about, my meet-up with friends all happen as i’m behind a wall of fog. shits so scary too wtf this feeling is so new to me, i couldn’t even describe it to my therapist properly. i hate this i hate this i hate this
Hey so why is it a thing that depressed people fall behind on hygiene? Whenever my mental health flops I go a week without showering and like… it would be easy to wash myself and I just… can’t, and I keep feeling terrible when the solution’s right there
Anxiety and depression is a bitch. The struggle is just so hard, and i hate how It can just change so quickly. I think I’m doing good but the next second I feel lost.
I don’t know how to get out of this. I want to function properly, have fun and not feel like I’m wasting days. I try so hard But still fall back into this black hole.
I’m just not having the best week or day (woke up with an anxiety attack, so that’s fun….)
@janetm74@dragonoffantasyandreality@cg29@godsliltippy@gumnut-logic@katblu42
