#wasting love
September 19, 2020
Shit. I’m bored again… why do I get bored in relationships so easily? Maybe because every guy I’ve ever dated was a complete dumb shit. They really act as if they’ve never had girlfriends before. For instance today my boyfriend and I were out, well he asked me to drive him to CVS. Before we left I jokingly said “You need to learn how to drive, I’m sick of driving us around.” He took it the wrong way and had a fucking attitude the whole entire day. Why are you mad at me because you’re a 23 year old man who doesn’t know how to drive? Even when I offer to teach him he declines my offers. Does he really think that he’ll be driven around by me his entire life? I think not.. But that’s besides the point, I went to go get gas when we were out he didn’t even offer to pump my gas.. he didn’t even offer to pay for it.. he just sat his ass in the car. I thought boyfriends were suppose to do things for you like pump your gas or open doors for you. Atleast sometimes! Yeah mines doesn’t do those things. And it has gotten to a point now where I think I’m the man in our relationship. He’s MY GIRLFRIEND! Lmao that’s freaking CRAZY! Anyway him having an attitude all day led to me having a good day. I finished watching a anime called Toradora (it was amazing btw), and I started learning Japanese. Well I’ve been trying to learn but today I took it serious, mostly because I trying out the 14 day free trail on Duolingo. I think if I stick to it everyday I’ll be fluent in a year. So basically I have a better days when we aren’t talking. I’m always way more productive when he isn’t around. I’m starting to feel like we aren’t good together. Not in a relationship anyway. We just don’t get each other in that way you know? I just want someone who understand me, all of me and he’s not that sadly.. Anyway よる (night)
September 7, 2020
How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.
