#this shit is crazy

September 7, 2020

How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.

August 19, 2020

I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…

August 7, 2020

A few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings I was texting my friend. My friend who is an ex but I don’t see him that way. We are just friends. Strictly friendly. The only things we talk about are TV shows, BLM movement, art, video games and how our lives are holding up during this pandemic. Anyway my boyfriend saw me text him and he got upset about it, he didn’t bring it up until we got back to the car but he was really hurt about it. He said “not again with this shit” but I would do the same to him as his ex did, same as in she cheated on him multiple times with her ex.. Was he serious?! It really hurt my feelings that he would even think that of me. He’s literally the only guy I think of, the only guy I want to be around, spend my days with. Sure saw if I see someone attractive while I’m out I’ll think “oh that person has great genes” but I’ll never act upon it. It’s crazy to think that you’ll never find someone else attractive just because you’re in a relationship. But that’s besides the point. He was completely butthurt about the situation then told me to do what I want. If me texting to him makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop texting to him. Which I did. Sure we talk here and there on Instagram but nothing like how it was before. But today when we were ordering food and he handed me his phone to get what I wanted but I couldn’t decide so I was literally scrolling on the menu for 5 minutes. But then I became curious. He told me he doesn’t even speak to her anymore and he recently got a new number so I wanted to see if he had lied me or not. I looked through his text messages (only at the names) and I didn’t see hers but this urge came over me to check his Instagram. I only wanted to check because he’s continuously getting Instagram notifications and I’ve always wondered if they were from her. I checked and he does still talk to her. Her messages were unread so I didn’t want to open them because why would I want to leave evidence that I’ve been snooping. I really hope that they are keeping their conversations friendly also. My only thing is why did he make such a big deal out of me talking to my friend/ex and he still talks to her? And why did he tell me he didn’t talk to her if he does? Well he said that they talk here and there but not for very long. AND HE HAD HER NOTIFICATIONS MUTED! I want to trust him I really do but I’ve dealt with so many lies and bullshit and it’s made me kinda insecure. But I’ll push my insecurity aside and just take his word for it. I don’t want to think to hard about it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I just want to be happy. I’ll ask him about it but not directly. Or next time I see his phone unlocked I’ll check my damn self lol. Well that’s all I have to say today. Peace.