Today marks one full year of sitting down and drawing something every day. I figured what would be better to draw than what I started this year long challenge in the first place. So here is a good an honest portrait of my best friend, Jesse.
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I wish I had left more time in the day to work on this. Now after a year of building this habit, I hope to work on more detailed art projects that involve a little effort every day.
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Thank you to everyone that has enjoyed and appreciated looking at the stuff I sketched over this last year ♥️
It’s 3:50 am and I’m sitting in my kitchen making fancy noodles (shin rayun) with egg and cheese (don’t knock it til you try it). I’m also debating on if I should write about my current love life or just my life in general. Both are ALOT so just bare with me… Now that I’m actually thinking about it I think I’ll just talk about my person today; you know to go with the theme of my blog.
Well the last time I talked to you was a year or so ago. (I really should write in the blog more) I was with my ex in his hometown, oh yeah he’s my ex now. When I got back home we stayed together for a few more months. He even came to visit me; when that happened I realized that we worked better as friends so I broke it off earlier September 2019. Rewind to July 2019, I met my current person. We worked together and we just clicked IMMEDIATELY. He’s literally everything I asked for in a guy. That’s when I knew I needed to end things with my ex. Okay fast forward to September 2019, we had a mad sexual tension so a few days before I quit my job I asked him if he wanted to be FWBs (friends with benefits). Hey, why not I’m a few days single, he’s attractive and I would like to have sex with him (don’t judge me, I just like sex). He agreed but we didn’t have sex until freaking November! In the time between we would chill in my car after work and talk, listen to music, and just vibe together. After we had sex the rest was history. He was mine even though we weren’t together but I knew he was mine. Oh! He also was with someone but I didn’t find out until we had sex a few times. But he ended things with her and now the rest is history.
Our current status, he’s my boyfriend :3 I love him, no question about it. It feels like he’s my other half like we were meant to be together. I don’t even think about other guys. Just him, I know he feels the same just by the way he looks at me. God I’m blushing.. lol. The song Natural by that stupid bitch Sabrina Claudio reminds me of us. I just love spending time with him. He’s my favorite person that I’m not related to. Our birthdays are 4 days apart and we are just the same person. Well 89% the same person, the other 11% is clearly our differences which I don’t mind. But my noodles are done. Ttyl
So I was just thinking, I can’t wait until I’m rich and semi-famous (semi-famous meaning low key like you’re known but only but your fans or no ones in your business). I can’t wait until I’m living in my New York City loft, with my baby and I’m a well known amazing tattoo artist. Don’t get me wrong tattooing wouldn’t be my only source of income. I love to write so I would write fiction short stories, or a book about my life. I also LOVE to travel so would travel the world with my child and make a travel vlog or something. I have so many things I would like to do but with time. I have to get through this pregnancy first. Find a place to live, prefect my tattooing skills, etc. everything comes with time, patience and hardwork.
P.S Also back to my semi-famous thing I also can’t wait to have celebrity friends. Like BLACKPINK (Jisoo, Jenny, Rosè, Lisa), Rihanna, Zendaya, Jhene Aiko, other famous tattoo artist, famous chefs, Khary, Kota the Friend and honestly the list goes on.(I know it’s alittle weird listing off people I’d like to be friends with but hey what’s the harm? A girl can dream right?)
Sometimes I can’t stand my boyfriend. He acts like he’s the one who’s pregnant, he always has attitudes and it just makes me not want to be around him. Maybe I have been with him for to long. I’m literally been at his house since November, it’s time for us to separate for a little while. But Christmas here was okay. His mom got me some Christmas pajamas and he got me a cool book I’ve been wanting for a very long time. The only bad thing about yesterday was that I couldn’t really keep my food down because of the whole pregnancy thing. Speaking of I’m going to go check my the kid next Wednesday. He thinks we’re going for an abortion but nah I’m checking the kid. And I’m getting my health insurance on Monday! God I’m so excited. I’ve been talking to my best friend and my ex best friend about this whole thing and they’ve really been a big help. I appreciate them very much. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. Oh! Also since I’ll be a mom soon I need to get my shit together! I need to get my credit right, invest in stocks, and work on my other species of income. You have to spend money to make money and scared money gets you nothing. I also plan to move out of my moms soon. I don’t to have a baby at her house, we need our own space. I was thinking about moving in with my boyfriend but he bullshits a lot and he acts like he can’t save his money. I told him that we need to start saving and he told me “no you need to, I will once I get a job.” Like that makes no sense at all to me. If you’re getting free money wouldn’t you want to save it especially if your ultimate goals is to move out by February or March of next year? All he does is spend his money on weed and food. And I get the food I’m partly to blame for that because of the kid but come on you can go a month or two without smoking to save a leave. Then smoke as much as you want once you’re established. Guys are so backwards to me. Sometimes I feel like I could be with him forever and other times I just want to leave him and be alone. But I do love him, he just need to get his priorities straight because they are all over the place kid. Anyway, I just wanted to update you on what’s been happening. Ttyl♡
So I’m alittle overwhelmed with this pregnancy thing. My boyfriend still doesn’t want to keep the baby and I’ve been trying to look for resources to help me out. I don’t have health insurance so making my first appointment to check on my baby has become extremely frustrating. I’ve heard that there are programs for that, to help out with prenatal care, food stamps, free doctors visits, and free vitamims up until child birth but I can’t find ANYTHING! I… I feel like I’m suppose to have this baby but I’m so lost on what to do! I want to ask my parents for help but I know they’ll just ridicule me. Tell me I’m dumb for even wanting to keep my baby. I want to move out of moms house before I ask her for help, I know she’ll be upset at first but she’ll get over it and end up helping me. I just feel like I’m stuck right now. I feel like there’s nothing in my power that I can do! But I’ll pull through. I’ll find a way not only for me but for my child. Even if I have to pay for everything out of pocket I will! Well I just had to get that off my chest. If anyone who has seen has any advice please, please, please reach out to me.
So yeah.. I just found out I was pregnant on November 23. I’m pregnant.. I’m pregnant with a little baby. I’m so excited! I knew November 23 would be a significant day but not because of this! But look here’s the thing, I want to keep my baby but my boyfriend wants me to abort it.. and it hurts my heart. Everytime we talk about it he says “baby, you know we aren’t ready. We can’t even afford a baby or even take care of one.” Well I know what I’m capable of and I know for sure I can take care of my baby! And my birthday was miserable because that’s all I could think of, him asking me to get an abortion. I’m seriously just thinking about moving away from him and raising my baby myself. And I say my baby because he doesn’t even want it! He doesn’t even WANT OUR BABY! It literally makes my sick to my fucking stomach and super emotional. So emotional I cried my entire birthday! I cried MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO ABORT MY BABY! My ex boyfriend got me pregnant 3 times and forced me, well guilt trapped me into getting an abortion three times! THREE TIMES! He told me he wouldn’t be with me if I didn’t, and that he knew we weren’t ready.. and yeah I was 18, 19, and 20 when this happened so he was partly right but now I’m 24 and I determined to care for my little one. I love my baby so much already and I don’t even know how many weeks I am. I just want to be a great mom to my child but my boyfriend doesn’t even want it! I’m about to start crying now talking about it and I don’t even cry often! God my heart hurts, my heart hurts so bad because he just brushes off the subject like it’s what we’re supposed to do. But I made an appointment for December 12 to get the abortion but I highly doubt I’ll go, highly doubt? No I’m certain I won’t go… I might just cut my boyfriend off and raise my child on my own. Move to a different city and start fresh. I know that seems sort of childish but he doesn’t even want our baby. And the day I found out I was pregnant I called my best friend, she also has a baby who she’s raising on her own and she told me she’ll help me out no matter what! And I believe her. I feel like she wants this baby more than him.. Oh! And you know what else he said? He said “we barely know each other, our relationship is brand new (even though we’ve been together for a year plus) and we just aren’t ready for this…” what?! You can cum in me but you can’t man up and raise YOUR baby? My body can’t handle another abortion I know this for sure and I refuse to even think about getting another one. It’s time for me to grow up and finally think about someone besides myself. I’ll do anything and I mean anything for this baby! I won’t go poor for my baby I’ll get rich! We’ll travel around the world and experience new things together. I just want my child to have what I never did. But I feel like I’ve gone on long enough.. I’ll update you soon, talk to you later!
Shit. I’m bored again… why do I get bored in relationships so easily? Maybe because every guy I’ve ever dated was a complete dumb shit. They really act as if they’ve never had girlfriends before. For instance today my boyfriend and I were out, well he asked me to drive him to CVS. Before we left I jokingly said “You need to learn how to drive, I’m sick of driving us around.” He took it the wrong way and had a fucking attitude the whole entire day. Why are you mad at me because you’re a 23 year old man who doesn’t know how to drive? Even when I offer to teach him he declines my offers. Does he really think that he’ll be driven around by me his entire life? I think not.. But that’s besides the point, I went to go get gas when we were out he didn’t even offer to pump my gas.. he didn’t even offer to pay for it.. he just sat his ass in the car. I thought boyfriends were suppose to do things for you like pump your gas or open doors for you. Atleast sometimes! Yeah mines doesn’t do those things. And it has gotten to a point now where I think I’m the man in our relationship. He’s MY GIRLFRIEND! Lmao that’s freaking CRAZY! Anyway him having an attitude all day led to me having a good day. I finished watching a anime called Toradora (it was amazing btw), and I started learning Japanese. Well I’ve been trying to learn but today I took it serious, mostly because I trying out the 14 day free trail on Duolingo. I think if I stick to it everyday I’ll be fluent in a year. So basically I have a better days when we aren’t talking. I’m always way more productive when he isn’t around. I’m starting to feel like we aren’t good together. Not in a relationship anyway. We just don’t get each other in that way you know? I just want someone who understand me, all of me and he’s not that sadly.. Anyway よる (night)
How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.
I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…
Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.
A few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings I was texting my friend. My friend who is an ex but I don’t see him that way. We are just friends. Strictly friendly. The only things we talk about are TV shows, BLM movement, art, video games and how our lives are holding up during this pandemic. Anyway my boyfriend saw me text him and he got upset about it, he didn’t bring it up until we got back to the car but he was really hurt about it. He said “not again with this shit” but I would do the same to him as his ex did, same as in she cheated on him multiple times with her ex.. Was he serious?! It really hurt my feelings that he would even think that of me. He’s literally the only guy I think of, the only guy I want to be around, spend my days with. Sure saw if I see someone attractive while I’m out I’ll think “oh that person has great genes” but I’ll never act upon it. It’s crazy to think that you’ll never find someone else attractive just because you’re in a relationship. But that’s besides the point. He was completely butthurt about the situation then told me to do what I want. If me texting to him makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop texting to him. Which I did. Sure we talk here and there on Instagram but nothing like how it was before. But today when we were ordering food and he handed me his phone to get what I wanted but I couldn’t decide so I was literally scrolling on the menu for 5 minutes. But then I became curious. He told me he doesn’t even speak to her anymore and he recently got a new number so I wanted to see if he had lied me or not. I looked through his text messages (only at the names) and I didn’t see hers but this urge came over me to check his Instagram. I only wanted to check because he’s continuously getting Instagram notifications and I’ve always wondered if they were from her. I checked and he does still talk to her. Her messages were unread so I didn’t want to open them because why would I want to leave evidence that I’ve been snooping. I really hope that they are keeping their conversations friendly also. My only thing is why did he make such a big deal out of me talking to my friend/ex and he still talks to her? And why did he tell me he didn’t talk to her if he does? Well he said that they talk here and there but not for very long. AND HE HAD HER NOTIFICATIONS MUTED! I want to trust him I really do but I’ve dealt with so many lies and bullshit and it’s made me kinda insecure. But I’ll push my insecurity aside and just take his word for it. I don’t want to think to hard about it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I just want to be happy. I’ll ask him about it but not directly. Or next time I see his phone unlocked I’ll check my damn self lol. Well that’s all I have to say today. Peace.
My boyfriend said I’m act like I don’t care. Do I really not care? Do I really give off this I dont give a fuck attitude. I don’t mean to. I don’t wanna be like me parents and hurt the people I love or am close too. I don’t ever want him to feel like I don’t care about him or our relationship. I care about his happiness, I care about his opinions, everything he says. I just don’t want him to get bored of me or leave me. I want to be everything he wants and needs. I know I’m not his first love but I want to be the love of his life. I want him forever. I wanna experience the world with him. I wanna grow old with him. Please don’t hate me baby.
This is a letter I wrote to my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend. He still hasn’t seen it…
May 9, 2020
I know you don’t care about titles and neither do I but I just want you to myself. “Let’s go with the flow” I’m down but “My boyfriend”? That would be nice; on the other hand that’s also a lot to live up to. That’s one reason why I don’t want a title. I don’t want you to become my person (boyfriend) then disappoint me. I don’t wanna disappoint you. I just want to make you happy and I just wanna be happy with you for as long as I can. Even if it’s not as long as I would like. I know you really like me, I notice it more and more each day. Shit I like you too I say it’s love but I don’t know. I’ve never experienced real love. I’ve never fully given myself to someone. But it’s just something different with you, I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you it’s like I talking to myself but with slight differences. Or you just make me fell so relaxed but nervous. We can hold eye contact for a short amount of time but it’s still gets awkward. Which I love. I love that I can be silly but vulnerable with you. I love that you call me beautiful, or think I’m sexy when I just feel average. I love how excited you get when you play video games. I love how kiss my forehead and hold me afterwards like there’s no one in the world but you and I. I love how long you are but we still fit so well together. I love that your passionate about music. I love that you’re just so cool without even trying. I love all you’re old stories. I just want to learn to love you. I want you to learn to love me. I’ll slowly open up to you if you give it time, and I’m sure you’ll do the same. But one thing.. please don’t break my heart. Heartbreak feels the same with or without a title.
Haven’t been on here in a hot minute, but just needed to let y’all know that every single reporter/broadcaster who covered him had nothing but glowing reviews of my guy Devo.
