#im just venting

September 7, 2020

How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.

August 19, 2020

I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…

August 9, 2020

Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.

July 2, 2020

This is a letter I wrote to my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend. He still hasn’t seen it…

May 9, 2020

I know you don’t care about titles and neither do I but I just want you to myself. “Let’s go with the flow” I’m down but “My boyfriend”? That would be nice; on the other hand that’s also a lot to live up to. That’s one reason why I don’t want a title. I don’t want you to become my person (boyfriend) then disappoint me. I don’t wanna disappoint you. I just want to make you happy and I just wanna be happy with you for as long as I can. Even if it’s not as long as I would like. I know you really like me, I notice it more and more each day. Shit I like you too I say it’s love but I don’t know. I’ve never experienced real love. I’ve never fully given myself to someone. But it’s just something different with you, I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you it’s like I talking to myself but with slight differences. Or you just make me fell so relaxed but nervous. We can hold eye contact for a short amount of time but it’s still gets awkward. Which I love. I love that I can be silly but vulnerable with you. I love that you call me beautiful, or think I’m sexy when I just feel average. I love how excited you get when you play video games. I love how kiss my forehead and hold me afterwards like there’s no one in the world but you and I. I love how long you are but we still fit so well together. I love that your passionate about music. I love that you’re just so cool without even trying. I love all you’re old stories. I just want to learn to love you. I want you to learn to love me. I’ll slowly open up to you if you give it time, and I’m sure you’ll do the same. But one thing.. please don’t break my heart. Heartbreak feels the same with or without a title.