September 19, 2020

Shit. I’m bored again… why do I get bored in relationships so easily? Maybe because every guy I’ve ever dated was a complete dumb shit. They really act as if they’ve never had girlfriends before. For instance today my boyfriend and I were out, well he asked me to drive him to CVS. Before we left I jokingly said “You need to learn how to drive, I’m sick of driving us around.” He took it the wrong way and had a fucking attitude the whole entire day. Why are you mad at me because you’re a 23 year old man who doesn’t know how to drive? Even when I offer to teach him he declines my offers. Does he really think that he’ll be driven around by me his entire life? I think not.. But that’s besides the point, I went to go get gas when we were out he didn’t even offer to pump my gas.. he didn’t even offer to pay for it.. he just sat his ass in the car. I thought boyfriends were suppose to do things for you like pump your gas or open doors for you. Atleast sometimes! Yeah mines doesn’t do those things. And it has gotten to a point now where I think I’m the man in our relationship. He’s MY GIRLFRIEND! Lmao that’s freaking CRAZY! Anyway him having an attitude all day led to me having a good day. I finished watching a anime called Toradora (it was amazing btw), and I started learning Japanese. Well I’ve been trying to learn but today I took it serious, mostly because I trying out the 14 day free trail on Duolingo. I think if I stick to it everyday I’ll be fluent in a year. So basically I have a better days when we aren’t talking. I’m always way more productive when he isn’t around. I’m starting to feel like we aren’t good together. Not in a relationship anyway. We just don’t get each other in that way you know? I just want someone who understand me, all of me and he’s not that sadly.. Anyway よる (night)

August 19, 2020

I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…

July 25, 2020

My boyfriend said I’m act like I don’t care. Do I really not care? Do I really give off this I dont give a fuck attitude. I don’t mean to. I don’t wanna be like me parents and hurt the people I love or am close too. I don’t ever want him to feel like I don’t care about him or our relationship. I care about his happiness, I care about his opinions, everything he says. I just don’t want him to get bored of me or leave me. I want to be everything he wants and needs. I know I’m not his first love but I want to be the love of his life. I want him forever. I wanna experience the world with him. I wanna grow old with him. Please don’t hate me baby.

relationships are like glass. sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together….

i will forgive you, but i won’t forget.

i didn’t know you were going to fuck me up this bad…