It is extremely painful, to switch from happy to tear inducing sadness in a second, to have the smallest amount of time define your next emotion. I cannot keep up, It’s all bad, everything is tainted, because even in good times I anticipate the sad..every moment is spent begging my body not to betray me.
I had the biggest panic attack of my life last night. It came out nowhere and lasted for at least 2-3 hours. I felt like I was drown and on the edge of death the entire time. Time ticked by so slowly I felt like I was floating in a pitch black ocean. Lights were blinding, noises were somehow unbearably loud but muffled. Nothing was helping. I contemplated calling my parents, my brother and then even 911 because I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t calm down. My entire house was spinning, my chest was tight and my stomach wouldnt stop flipping. I screamed, I cried. My brain pounded against my skull like a prisoner. I smacked my self hard in the face as a way to bring myself back up to the surface for air, if only just for a moment. When I finally fell asleep, I blacked out.
This is what happens when you are missing you medication. When you fall, you fall hard.
And then I realise that the shell is empty. There’s no point to any of this, it’s all a random lottery of meaningless tragedy in a series of near escapes // Reality Bites.
i was talking abt gender w another nonbinary lesbian friend the other day and they were like i get the concept of gender envy i Do but soooo many of my friends will be like wow hes so gender! and its like just a man. literally just a man. and i was like well yes sometimes people want to be just some guy (said while sweating and shaking and shoving dozens of photos of just some guys in my gender pockets)
