#boundaries
It’s okay to be upset with someone who hurt you. Even if they are upset about hurting you. It is not your job to comfort them and you are still allowed to hold them accountable. Them feeling upset does not mean you need to ignore your feelings.
you can be a good, considerate person and it won’t necessarily mean being quiet and obedient whenever that’s expected of you. sometimes you’ll find yourself in a situation where you have to speak up to be taken seriously, or a situation where you have to be nasty and rude in order to get someone to get their hands off of you or leave you alone or respect you / your body. you’re allowed to use your voice to protect yourself and you’re allowed to get mad.
if something someone says about or to you is especially hurtful and demeaning in some way - even as a joke - you’re allowed to be upset & let them know in an assertive way. however, it’s important to remember that how they respond to it says a lot more about them than you. even when their words felt personal, their beliefs and reactions aren’t yours to change or take responsibility for. once they know something has hurt you, you cannot try to convince them of your worth or the damage behind their actions.
Eventually growing the spine to re ask questions that were not heard the first time and stick up for yourself and it’s not such a struggle. – Guest Submission
(Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)
I’m mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he’s ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn’t feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we’re talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the “main relationship” and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what’s turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I’m scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I’m being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.
Do not date this dude!
Let me break this down:
He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”
You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.
He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.
You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.
His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.
He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.
His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.
All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!
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I am a 27 year old and my cousin she is 15 but not blood cousin i just claim her as one and so is her boyfriend. I like them but I don’t want to get in trouble since they are under age. What do I do since they both like me?
You are in your late 20s and these people are minors. You also see each other as family. Together these facts indicate that it would NOT be safe, healthy, or even legal for you to enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with these people.
You are the older adult, so you need to manage this situation with responsibility. Be clear with these two young people that while you support them having healthy, happy, and fulfilling polyamorous relationships with others, you will not be engaging in that sort of relationship with them because it is simply too high risk for everyone involved.
Set firm boundaries and, if necessary, take distance from them until this crush passes.
To those who are reading this, it is alright that you didn’t get to learn what you should have been able to as a child and as a teen.
It is alright if you weren’t taught what healthy boundaries are.
It is alright if you weren’t taught what love was.
It is alright if your ability to understand your sexuality was ruined.
It is alright if you never learned to understand and read your emotions.
It is alright if you never learned to care for yourself.
It is alright if you never learned how to be a “normal” adult due to what was going on in your life and any abuse that may or may not have happened.
It is alright to “be behind”. It isn’t your fault and it is never too late to learn.
I have been observing things about relationships. while I think resolving conflicts the (stereotypical) Redneck Way like some of my kinfolks, by beating up or shooting people, is definitely bad, resolving conflicts the opposite of the Redneck Way like other acquaintances I have come to know, where everyone talks openly about Boundaries and Communication but disagreement, anger, or boundary-enforcing are so uncomfortable that conflicts plink their way through a maze of gossip and conversations in closed pools before getting resolved through unexplained ghosting or ignored through manipulation and grudge-holding, is also bad
people who think that yelling is always bad have the worst relationship skills. If you can envision enforcing boundaries through politely saying “no” but can’t imagine yelling at someone, the concept of boundaries hasn’t quite been applied yet
What i’m saying is, if I was being assaulted, I would hit someone. That is in my toolbox at all times. The goal isn’t to completely eliminate aggression from your toolbox, it’s to communicate well enough that aggression isn’t your only tool, and people KNOW long, long before they reach your Danger Zone
when you can’t say “no” but you can punch someone, you end up killing your brother accidentally over a donut.
When you can say “no” politely but you can’t raise your voice or be a little bit of a bitch or whatever is needed, you either don’t have a Danger Zone (bad!) or don’t know where your Danger Zone is (bad!)
a lot of people function that way and they have interactions that leave them feeling uncomfortable and disrespected but they don’t really do anything about it until a line is crossed that potentially neither person really knew was there, and the only solution those people can think of is to end the relationship or cast the other person as a horrible person or whatever
You might not want to hear this but people with anger issues and/or violent impulses need social accommodations. And no by accommodation I don’t mean walking on eggshells around them, actual accommodations for people with these issues comes down to giving them a space away from what’s triggering them to process their emotions and calm themselves down same as what kind of accommodations people who get sensory overload or just any kind of overwhelmed. There is no moral value to having anger issues or violent impulses, people with them are deserving of accommodation the same as everyone else.
I had severe anger issues growing up, and the only way I was ever taught to deal with them was deep breathing. For some reason, deep breathing just triggers me to get angrier. But it’s the only coping skill I ever got taught for it. Here’s a few better ones.
- Go and exercise. Get all of that energy out and away from the people you love.
- Get a hang of when you’re winding up to a rage and learn to tell people that you need to step away. I will warn you that the first time that someone refuses to let you go once you learn this skill will spook the hell out of you if you don’t have a backup skill, so figure out ahead of time what you’re gonna do if they won’t let you leave.
- Learn to set boundaries. One of the best things I ever did for my anger issues was tell people that I can’t deal with people stealing food off my plate. Second best was when I’m mad, telling people not to touch me. I spook easily when I’m already angry.
- Get a pack of pencils and if nothing is working, break one. Sometimes you really do need to break something in order to feel better, and pencils are cheap.
- Don’t cook with a knife when you’re mad. If you get too much adrenaline, the knife can slip and hurt you.
- If you have anger issues that pop up without any seeming reason and frighten you, I would strongly recommend going over the situation and over your mental health. If there’s anything consistent with a mental health condition or with something particular happening to trigger it, seek to eliminate the trigger or treat the issue. Depression, anxiety, trauma, you name it, it can probably present as anger issues under the right circumstances.
Some quick notes for people without anger issues that want to help someone who has anger issues:
- Fear transmutes into anger really, really well if someone’s fear response is “fight”. One of my guesses for why so many men have anger issues is that we’re told we’re not men if we have any other response to fear. However, this issue is far from exclusive to men.
- Don’t box people in when you’re arguing with them or soothing them. If someone is backed up against a wall and upset, then getting closer to them without permission is a bad call for your safety and for their soothing, because that removes the ability to get away from you. Ask before getting close. This goes double if someone is injured or otherwise vulnerable.
- Teaching angry people that are distressed about being angry the pencil trick on the spot is really easy and works more often than you can think.
- Respect people’s requests and boundaries. A lot of people think that some of the boundaries I set up are silly or that once we’re pals, they can ignore them. No, because a lot of my boundaries are related to trauma, and crossing them will trigger me and bring up my anger.
- All of this goes for children with anger issues as well. I was a child with anger issues, and a lot of disrespect for my boundaries and needs was because my anger was dismissed because I was a child. Respect children’s anger.
Walking on eggshells is not and will never be a good way to treat anger issues. Recognizing that people with anger issues deserve to have their boundaries respected and to be treated like human beings is.
An end note: Anger issues are not the same thing as being abusive, because emotions are not abusive. Someone with anger issues can become abusive if they take them out on people, but so can someone with suicidal thoughts who takes them out on people. The issue is targeting another person in order to feel better, not having a mental health issue.
An end note for people with anger issues: It really can get better. You can find coping skills and perhaps meds that help cool you down and settle you. You can find people that will accept that doing that one weird thing spooks the fuck out of you, and will let you leave if you’re scaring yourself. You can gain control of yourself without shutting down emotionally. It’s achievable.
A COLLABORATION WITH: ahhhhsarah
[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A BABY BLACK PANTHER STANDS IN A GRASSY, OPEN FIELD. AS IT STARES INTENTLY AHEAD, IT THINKS ABOUT HOW GREAT IT IS TO RESPECT ONE’S AUTONOMY. TEXT READS, “LET’S VALUE EACH OTHER’S NEED FOR SPACE. LOVE IS NOT ABOUT OWNERSHIP.” YOU DO YOU, PANTHER. YOU DO YOU.]
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“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”— Brené Brown
Take this into 2021 and beyond
