More Dumb D&D items

Ask and ye shall receive

• Sword of Crabs: A greatsword that automatically transforms your hands into crab claws whenever you pick it up. No this cannot be reversed.
• Skin Care Oil: An all natural cream that heals any minor wound; Always makes you look extremely greasy though
• Scarf of the New Yorker: A winter scarf that allows you to talk to pidgeons and only pidgeons
• Wand of Uncomfortable: Casts an AOE effect that just makes the area sticky and humid
• Cheap Communicator Crystal: Allows the caster to talk to anyone on the material plane but with really bad- wait, what? Could you repeat that? What?
• Portable Spa Day: Whenever used, the caster feels immediately refreshed and cleaned; they are also immediately put into a bathrobe and stolen spa slippers
• Tiny Man: An extremely small man who can fit into your pocket. Doesn’t talk but will occasionally find buttons for you
• Bee Tied to a Stick: There’s no magic, it’s just a bee. The seller won’t tell you how they managed to do this.
• Amulet of the Jock: Increases the users strength by making them super ripped! Only the upper body though, leg day’s for DEWBS

✨New item!✨
Subtle Cricket
Weapon (crossbow, hand), rare (requires attunement)

This unusually small hand crossbow packs a mighty punch. You have a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. The crossbow has 3 charges, and it regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn. When you make a ranged attack with the crossbow, you can expend 1 to 3 of its charges to empower the bolt with kinetic energy. On a hit, for each charge you spend, the target takes an additional 1d12 force damage and is pushed 5 feet away from you. Additionally, when you fire a kinetic bolt, you must succeed on a DC 10 (+2 for each additional charge) Strength saving throw or be knocked prone. If you score a critical hit with a kinetic bolt, the target is pushed thrice as far and knocked prone.

“It’s got a kick to it!” Irwin blurted out after being launched onto his back. He remained supine for a minute to catch his breath before resuming target practice.
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✨New item!✨
Spicy Tom’s Secret Sauce
Potion, rare

After drinking this potion, you must succeed on a DC 16 Constitution saving throw or become poisoned and take 1d6 fire damage at the start of each turn. You can repeat the saving throw at the end of each turn, ending the effect on a success. If you fail this saving throw two times, the fire damage increases to 3d6 and your movement speed is doubled.

While poisoned in this way, you can use a bonus action to exhale fire at a target within 20 feet of you. The target must succeed on a DC 16 Dexterity saving throw or catch fire, taking 3d6 fire damage immediately and at the start of each of its turns until someone takes an action to douse the fire.

Spicy Tom’s Secret Sauce will really make your face sweat and your gullet burn. And the longer it lasts, the worse it gets! Buy some today!
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✨New item!✨
Canteen of Crapulence
Wondrous item, common

Any water poured into this magical flask becomes ale. Pouring out the ale reverts it to water unless you drink directly from the flask.

“YE WON’T MAKE ANOTHER PURCHASE *hic* IN YER MISERABLE LIFE” shouted the canteen vender as she teetered on her stool in the market square. Despite her obvious drunkenness and brusque demeanor, it looked like her canteens were flying off the shelf…
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✨New item!✨
Bundren the Bungler
Weapon (greatclub), uncommon (requires attunement)

This large oaken log has an oafish face carved into it. You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. Once per turn, you can force a Large or smaller creature hit by this magic weapon to make a DC 13 Strength saving throw or be knocked prone.

Sentience.Bundren the Bungler is a sentient chaotic neutral weapon with an Intelligence of 8, a Wisdom of 10, and a Charisma of 8. It has hearing and darkvision out to a range of 120 feet. The weapon perceives and communicates using its carved face and can speak, read, and understand Common. It has a brutish, fumbling voice.

Personality.Bundren the Bungler is an awakened tree that vexed its creator with its clumsiness to the point that it was chopped down and left for firewood. It will talk incessantly and loudly about all of the follies that have befallen it over its long and storied lifetime.

Curse. You have disadvantage on Dexterity (Stealth) and Dexterity (Acrobatics) checks while attuned to this magical weapon. Additionally, when you roll a 20 to hit with this weapon, the attack always misses.
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✨New item!✨
Khopesh of the Vulture
Weapon (scimitar), rare

When you hit a creature with this magic weapon, the creature takes an extra 1d6 necrotic damage if it’s below its hit point maximum. While holding this weapon you can sense the direction of dead creatures within a 1 mile radius as long as they died within the last week.

This bronze khopesh is masterfully crafted and imbued with a hunger for carrion. Despite the extensive patina that slowly creeps along the blade, its edge remains razor sharp. Those who can stand the ever-present scent of rotting flesh wield it well.
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✨New item!✨
Ricochet Sling Bullets
Weapon (sling bullet), rare

The sling bullets come in a pouch, which contains 1d4 + 4 bullets. You have a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with each of these bullets. When you hit with a bullet, you can choose to ricochet the bullet to hit another creature. Make an additional attack roll against a new creature within 20 feet of the previous creature. On a successful hit, the new creature takes 1d4+1 bludgeoning damage. You can repeat this process until you miss, only targeting creatures that have not yet been targeted. Once a bullet misses or hits a target and doesn’t ricochet, it loses its magic.

“They say a single Xeeblian slinger could level an entire platoon of enemy soldiers with one bullet. Seems impossible, but…” One Eyed Crunky grinned and winked his one eye before loading his sling with faintly glowing lead. The approaching guardsmen goose-stepped into range. “Watch and learn!” He yelled, leaping from cover. His sling blurred and the bullet rocketed sideways, shattering a tavern window across the street. “DAMNATION! LET’S SCRAM!”

Crunky and his companions fled into the night, unscathed, though the same can’t be said of the poor tavern-keeper’s precious egg collection.
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✨New item!✨
Dusting Wand
Wand, rare

This wand has 4 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 or more of its charges to summon 1 Dust Mephit per charge in unoccupied spaces that you can see within 30 feet of you.

A summoned Dust Mephit disappears after 1 hour or when it drops to 0 Hit Points. Dust Mephits are friendly to you and your companions. Roll Initiative for the summoned creatures as a group, which has its own turns. They obey any verbal commands that you issue to them (no action required by you). If you don’t issue any commands to them, they defend themselves from Hostile creatures, but otherwise take no Actions. The wand regains 1 charge during a short rest or 1d4 charges during a long rest if you spend some of that time sweeping up dust or dirt with the wand.

PUT THOSE DUST BUNNIES TO WORK WITH THE DUSTBUSTER 5,000!
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✨New item!✨
Greataxe of Unbridled Fury
Weapon (greataxe), very rare (requires attunement)

You have a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magical weapon. While holding the axe you can use a bonus action to enter a state of fury. While furious you gain the following benefits:

• You have resistance to psychic damage.
• You have immunity to the charmed and frightened conditions. If you are charmed or frightened when you enter your fury, the effect is suspended for the duration of the fury.
• Magic can’t put you to sleep or detect your thoughts.
• The axe gains an additional +3 bonus to melee damage rolls.

If you are able to cast spells, you can’t cast them or concentrate on them while furious. Your fury lasts for 1 minute. It ends early if you are knocked unconscious, if you drop the axe or if your turn ends and you haven’t attacked a hostile creature since your last turn or taken damage since then. You can also end your fury on your turn as a bonus action. The axe can’t be used this way again until the next dawn. The first time you are reduced to less than half your total hit points and you have already entered a state of fury today, there is a 50% chance you regain 1 use of it.

Curse. The first time you enter a fury, make a DC 1 Wisdom saving throw. On a failure, you lose control and go on a murderous rampage. The rampage lasts 2d4 hours. Each subsequent time you enter a fury, the DC increases by 1, to a maximum of 20. Once a rampage is triggered, the DC resets to 5. If you trigger a murderous rampage, you become hostile to all creatures and your fury lasts for the entire duration of the rampage. The DM may take control of your character and use any of your abilities to their discretion. This rampage can be ended early if you are targeted with the remove curse spell or you begin your turn on a different plane from the axe. When the rampage ends, you gain 1 level of exhaustion.

“The fury of Daughter could not be stopped! Her rage burned hotter with each head she lopped!
Her will was unshakeable, her bloodlust, unslakeable! Their last resort: a cage made unbreakable!
They trapped her soul inside of an axe! Oh no here she comes, quick! Cover your tracks!”
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✨New item!✨
Sand Maiden
Armor (padded), very rare (requires attunement)

This padded armor is a billowing assemblage of earth-colored cloth that seems to flow with the wind as if made of sand itself. You have a +1 bonus to AC while wearing this armor. Padded armor normally imposes disadvantage on Dexterity (Stealth) checks, this armor doesn’t.

Additionally, you have advantage on saving throws you make against exhaustion effects due to extreme heat. You gain the ability to glide across the desert, while you are on sand you ignore difficult terrain.

As an action you can transform into the aspect of the sand maiden. For 1 minute, or until you end this transformation with a bonus action, your skin glimmers like a mirage and you move like a swirling sandstorm. While in this state you gain the following benefits:

• You have advantage on Dexterity saving throws.
• You can move through the space of another creature and pass through small holes, narrow openings, and even mere cracks, though you treat liquids as though they were solid surfaces.
• Your movement doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks.
• Your speed increases by 20 feet.

The armor can’t be used this way again until the next dawn.

The Sand Maiden was the ruler of the dunes. Her shifting visage was stunning to behold, appearing to embody the form most desirous to a desperate onlooker. Those who had tested themselves against the vast expanse of her domain and failed would be visited by her in their final moments. Only those who have survived this encounter know what pact is offered in exchange for mercy.

This cloth armor was woven from loose strands of her hair found drifting across the desert contour. Dunefolk treasure this material for its magical properties that bestow a fraction of the maiden’s power upon the wearer.
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✨New item!✨
Weirdwood Bow
Weapon (any bow), uncommon (requires attunement)

While this bow is on your person, you cannot be surprised, except when you are incapacitated. Additionally, when a creature within this bow’s range is targeted by an opportunity attack, you can use your reaction to make a ranged attack with this bow against that creature.

The mysterious weirdwood is a tree that remains ever vigilant, its many lidless eyes shifting and scanning. Bows shaped from its wood bestow uncanny alertness upon the wielder, allowing skilled archers to exploit every fleeting misstep.
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