#emotion

In a world without mirrors or reflections, we know not what we appear to be, merely acting out what others claim to see.

thoughtbubblz:

“What are you?” They genuinely ask

Time and time again and yet never ceasing to alarm me

My soul becomes invisible before them,

Skin too dark-too light, too yellow- too red-

Their gazes are chains that rip through my mysterious skin

Imprison me in assumptions

They lash at my skin and tear me away

Until I am nothing but whispers in the wind where I once walked

But I do not live to feed another’s curiosity

What am I?

I am the years of life lived

The steps taken by those who lived before me

I am the song they sing

But more than that I am human

Same as you

I do not wear myself like a name tag

If you must know-

If your questions are on the brink of exploding

Simply ask

“Who are you?”

– M.D.

❤️

夏に

初めて船に乗って

海底を見た。

結構前からやってみたかったことなので叶って嬉しかった。

話は変わり

体調がすごく悪い

腹部が、凄い。

ストレスなのかなぁ…薬が効いてくれますように…

post,20210915

HEEJIN …

     heejin is nervous, and rightfully so.

     while birthdays have always been something to look foreword to, this year brought on hesitance and the smallest vision of doubts— while there was no uncertainty as to whether she would have a good birthday this year ( she was entering her twenties, had a steady group of people around her she felt she could put her trust in, and her future only seemed to be growing brighter ), deep down, there was something she really wanted to happen. something that she had to initiate in order to make happen.

     heejin had never been on the timid side, was always the type of person who spoke her mind and told it how it was, but as the hours go by and her birthday is spent, she can’t help how antsy she starts to feel. that sort of anticipation only grows as she and sua enter the older woman’s apartment, heejins grip on her bag firm as to not risk somehow losing the precious bounty inside.

     she’d thought long and hard about this, and while she thinks she knows what will happen, she’s still scared. despite that, however, and despite how she’s sure sua has picked up on her mood, she still clears her throat at the apartments entrance, hands nervously digging for the folder she’d had hidden in her desk back home for the last two weeks.

     "uh, sua—wait,ma,“ she internally curses her fumble, cheeks burning. taking a second to think, she exhales, slowly pulling out the folder as she speaks, taking out papers she’s practically memorized at this point. she forgoes tact, getting right to the point. “you’ve always done so much for me, and i know asking this of you on my birthday might be cheating but…will you sign these?” she doesn’t say more, simply hoping the words adoption forms printed boldly at the top will give sua all the answers she needs.

˟ ▀  &.@rkheejin 

today is heejin’s birthday, and for that fact alone, sua decides to spend a night outside the dorms and in her own home (  her real home  )  for a little bonding time and a small celebration.  it’d be good for meimei and jin to see heejin, and after the clear instructions she’s left the housekeeper, she’s certain that the house will be tidy with a few decorations of flowers, balloons, and a beautifully lit cake will be waiting for them when they walk in.

she’s wriggling out of her shoes easily at the entrance, feeling much more at ease coming home to her place rather than the dorm room that’s starting to feel all too cramped and messy and sua won’t lie  -  she is a little excited for heejin’s birthday, after all.  this year, she turns twenty.  it’s her first day leaving her teens.

heejin, though, doesn’t seem quite right.  there’s been an odd sense of quiet rather than excitement for her birthday celebrations that sua’s been stewing over the entire car ride home, wondering if perhaps something happened during her practices that she has to sort out.  she figures if heejin doesn’t perk up, she’ll have to ask her about it as she reaches for the door to the foyer, only to be stopped by heejin’s grasping tone and her fumbling voice.

she stops.

her brow knits together at heejin’s little speech, wondering if perhaps this is what was stressing the girl out so much.  “ i don’t know what you’re so nervous about.” she muses, opening the door and flicking on the lights so that she can read the wording a little more clearly but when she does, she drops the papers.  it’s hard not to look at heejin in incredulity, it’s hard not to feel her heart race and the expression that she’s always so carefully manufactured to look uncaring breaks as her eyes well up with tears.

for her twentieth birthday, heejin wants to be adopted.  and not just by anyone, by her.  she bends down to quickly gather the papers that fell loose on the floor by her startled realization, being thrown back to days that she’d rather not remember and all the things she’s lost and the desperate, clawing, feral part of her that clung to heejin and allowed her to be a mother all these years.  with these papers, she no longer has to pretend; with these papers, heejin will be hers.  her daughter.  “ are you sure that this is what you want?” sua wipes away a trail of tears with the back of her hand, careful not to get the papers wet with her emotion.  “ you’ve really thought it through?”

Ever-light, lingering past abandoned stars,
Veil, nor pall, ethereal, could obscure you;
Eternalized, you are, in guarded memoirs,
Reigning my cognizance; forever renewed.
You verily meant everything to me;
The sheen that I behind all that glitters see.
Heaven and hell were equally divine
In life lived as yours… when you were mine.
No dejection could ever taint that time grim;
Gone you now are, but not true love’s hymn.

—
1-5-2022, M.A. Tempels ©

Beyond

It is to peer across the ocean,
Or through thickest forest, as far as you can,
Till the unknown sparks imagination
To fill in the gaps, and colour them grand;
It is to conceive what outlives the lifespan
Of stars, we guess, shine, beyond our view…
Where naught distorts love,
I find only you.

—
30-4-2022, M.A. Tempels ©

Once, I had a magic bean;
Magic — I’m sure.
Even though it never grew
Into a stalk, then up and beyond…
All I got was a
Smack ‘cross the head
From my mom, and an:
'I told you so.’

But I do not feel I was wrong.

Even though
My bean did not lead me
To venture a realm above
Big white clouds;
My bean did not bring me
Tales of giants and geese
That lay eggs of solid gold;
All I got was a song, cut short, when
Fleetwood Mac’s 
‘You can go your own way’,
Played 
On the radio.

Still, I miss my bean. Magic — I’m sure.
I miss you because you were small,
Yet encapsulated
Every dream in me; every story that now
May never be told…

Yet it’s no one’s fault.

We simply weren’t granted
Fertile soil.

—
28-4-2022, M.A. Tempels ©

Toward my ruin, I gave up the night,
Allured by your love’s all -
Exposing light.
Then,
Open nerved,
And vulnerably nude,
I knelt before the dream, pursued,
Yet offered such a miserable sight:
Prostrate, I –
A pasty beggar, so viewed,
Ridden with scars, and
Opened wounds;
Ugly, yes. A human born blight;
Undeserving of a chanced future’s bright.
I took it all in, your pulchritude;
Your eyes,
The truth did not elude,
And smiled, reaffirmed of a lifeless plight.
Relieved it was so; pacified –
To without hope turn home;
Absolved once more by the endless night
Where the dark may obscure
Slates I cannot rewrite.

—
27-4-2022, M.A. Tempels ©