#ex religious
Maybe it’s the asexual in Mr, maybe its the ex cult kid, idk but I feel like we put so much meaning on sex when we’ve essentially made it meaningless as a civilisation?
Like we don’t mate to breed? We have contraceptives and stuff. We do it because we want to. And we have IVF and cloning etc so theoretically we don’t actually need to have sex at all.
It’s a completely natural thing but we put so much meaning on it?? I get it in the past, but now? It’s meaningless. The only reason it’s still a big deal is because we keep it that way?
And I really don’t understand the logic of that
*tw: depression, sexual assault*
It always kinda surprises me that the people who know the least about you who are always like ‘I know you better than you do’.
Like no you don’t. I’ve told you exactly nothing and you’re proving it by your reactions…
Like my parents often say 'we know you’ but in reality they don’t know the first thing about me. If they did, they wouldn’t have judged me for everything I ever did.
Like maybe I don’t wanna be around these people because they’re exactly like my school bullies. Maybe I like this music because I love poetry and prose and I’m not just trying to get a reaction and go for shock value. Maybe metal is actual way more wholesome than pop? Maybe I don’t wanna hang with this guy because he reminds me of another guy who actually did something. Maybe I stay in my room and don’t want to do anything, not because I’m angsty but because I’m severely depressed. Maybe I’m not trans because I hate god but because I have been my entire life.
And maybe, just maybe, you don’t know any of this because you’d already created this environment before I could even comprehend it. Because everytime I tried to tell you something, I was being *insert phrase*, just because I couldn’t say it outright.
Maybe all of the things you judged me for was me trying to tell you something. Maybe you’re just really bad at listening.
Maybe you don’t actually know me at all
This song really shows that Anatoly
1. knows he’s an asshole and
2. solidly believes he’s the hero of the story
He’s straight up saying ‘yeah I did that shit. That was me. But I’m the good guy here so it equals out’
He knows he hurt people, he knows he’s a piece of shit. But that doesn’t matter to him. Because he won the game.
And he’s gonna keep playing victimised as long as it serves him because he’s proved to himself it works
I have to say, there aren’t many up sides to growing up in a cult, but there’s definitely one;
You really appreciate the little things
I grew up not being allowed to have sleepovers or holidays or anything. Any time I spent with my friends was going to end soon and I had to pretend it wasn’t *that* good. I had to lie about where I was. I had to lie about the stupid little gifts they gave me, if not turn them down entirely
So now, when I’m with then, all of its special. When we stay up late, when we stay over, when we drink, when we buy each other ridiculous presents and I can actually return their holiday wishes and I can tell them happy birthday and get them something as well… that shits priceless and I don’t think it’ll ever get old
I missed all this stuff for 21 years and, sad as that is, I really get to appreciate it as an adult. It’s not normalised to me. It’ll always be special
Its like, totally normal to assume every unnamed phonecall and voicemail you get is the elders trying to contact you. Even after you blocked them once. It’s normal
Any unknown and unexpected communications like ‘totally normal to be scared of opening this! Everyone has this response. Obviously this is absolutely a normal response!’
There’s a concept I learned about at school called Death of the Author, which kinda fits this thought.
I know so many songs that are about things I’ve never experienced. But they fit different experiences.
Songs about the horrors of war, government shit, addiction… they say things about parts of my life I don’t know how to express.
I don’t know that many songs about growing up in a cult and being shunned by your whole family but I know songs that fit my emotions
There’s nothing wrong with redefining songs
I always thought I didn’t have a fight or flight because my instinct is to freeze.
But I do. And it’s mental.
When I’m in a situation I deem unsafe, I hide myself, I bury me deep inside myself. I run, psychologically.
But at the end of the day I’m still in the situation, because I my body stays. I can’t just leave because that would be rude (god forbid).
But I heard and saw everything and it’s still there, waiting for my mind to return for its hiding place
But then, at least, it’s second hand damage
Does anyone else have a Cis Voice? Like a ‘don’t question me’ voice? A safe voice?
Kinda like a phone voice. But everytime you speak to a stranger, you go a few octaves higher and enunciate your words because That’s What Adults Like.
Because no one will ask anything then and you can explain away everything else.
My name? Yeah it’s unusual but oh well. My hair? I like it like this and I’m punk. My clothing? Uniform, or I’m comfortable.
I know it’s ridiculous because I honestly can’t wait for my voice to drop. But everytime I talk to someone I don’t know, I turn on my Good Little Christian Girl voice
Because, although I don’t know any of these people, they might say something. They might ask about my trans-ness. They might not agree with it. They might be Jehovah’s Witnesses…
When shit goes down with my (2) friends I’m like, I really want to help. But it’s feels too much like situations I’ve been in before
When both sides confide in me, I’m back when my brother left the JWs. I know too much but apparently also nothing at all. I’m told everything but nothing. I want to do everything I can but this family’s falling apart regardless.
And you’re having a conversation about triggers and mental health but everyone thinks you just care so much but no one thinks maybe the reason I care so much and maybe the reason I know exactly what to say is because I’ve been here before, and I’ve failed before and I’ve thought about it a shit tonne and I’m not letting it happen again because this whole situation is FUCKING TRIGGERING JESUS CHRIST
*tw suicide*
OK so y'know how when people think of cults, they think like Jonestown and shit? So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t be a BAD cult right?, because they’re not doing like mass suicides right?
Wrong.
Sure they haven’t gotten everyone together to drink the KoolAid or something. But think how many people have chosen to die because they won’t accept a blood transfusion, because they didn’t get an organ transplant, because they wouldn’t chose a side, because they wouldn’t carry a certain piece of paperwork… because of whatever
How many people would that be? A couple thousand? Tens of thousands? Who knows
But people *have* chosen to die because they were told to. By the Governing Body. How is it any different? How is it any better than them doing it all together in one place?
It’s absolutely not better, it’s actually worse because people still don’t think it’s a problem
I wish we could just say goodbye…
I’ve probably posted about this before but today Lady in Red came on
And I remember my dad picking me up as a child and slow dancing with me to that song. It’s one of my earliest memories. And I thought if I ever get married, we’d dance it again. It’s literally the main song I associate him with.
My dad never called me a princess or anything like that but he played this song and told me.
And he doesn’t remember that. Beyond all the obvious ‘I’m shunned and shit’ stuff, he doesn’t even remember twirling me around the living room to scratchy vinyl records. He doesn’t remember standing me on his feet to dance a waltz. He doesn’t remember it.
How the fuck do you forget that??
OK so I just had a weird moment of like revelation. Coz I know JWs are a cult. I know that. But I was watching a show about Jonestown and Jim Jones and like, a lot of it (around the middle when they’re established but before the shit hit) sounded eerily similar to JWs… like the way he spoke and the way they dealt with the rest of the world etc.
And I wasn’t expecting it because I know they’re cults and its all there in my brain but I wasn’t expecting just how much he sounded like that or how much the work ethic was like jws
It’s very uncomfortable…
