#jehovahswitnesses

So save face and get fucked

I hate my work, but I’m in control

I’m fearless now, but it cost my soul

Save yourselves, the moon is full

Under its power, gravitational pull

Blood red lips, they shake like leaves

You’re flesh and blood, but what’s underneath?

It’s alright to scream

I’m screaming too,

Why’d you think I do these things I do?

For shadows haunted me like ghosts,

So I became what I feared the most

I conduct fear like electricity

A man made monstrosity

I, I can remember

Standing, by the wall

And the guns, shot above our heads

And we kissed, as though nothing could fall

And the shame, was on the other side

Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever

Then we could be Heroes, just for one day

Hey hey got my yearly friendly memorial time check in email! Hardest one to respond to yet

How are things with me? Easy to answer.

What’s making me happy? Well nothing you want to hear about and I’m certainly not incriminating myself.

There’s not much else there to respond to so idk what you want me to say?? I’m good, thanks but no thanks, I guess?

I’m really feeling a lack of effort here lol

JW cult trauma is a weird thing because reactions go one of two ways in my experience:

1. It doesn’t sound that bad. I’ve had way worse happen to me. You went to church every week and read the bible. I’ve had x,y and z. That’s real trauma

Or

2. Says some offhand and now they’re really concerned about my well being

Neither are great but in very different ways. Because 1. I’m trying to explain that it was a CULT not just a church. It was my entire life not just an hour on Sunday and 2. I’m trying to explain that I’m good with this particular thing. That’s why I’m joking about it

Either way it’s awkward and it’s impossible to judge which way someone will go

Random thought but there’s something so freeing about your whole belief system being torn down. Like I believed all these things for my whole life and now I’m not sure or just don’t believe them. And a lot of them I never replaced. Which was scary at first.

And the impact? Nothing. My personal beliefs haven’t altered reality. God didn’t pop out of existence because I stopped believing in him and human history didn’t rewrite itself because I don’t believe in creation. Nothing changed.

And then I realised I can believe in whatever I want as long as it’s not hurting anyone. Loch Ness Monster? Real. Aliens? Definitely. Bigfoot? 100% babey! God is a giant spaghetti monster? Why not, that’s fun.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s a big thing to think that nothing you thought was real is real. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be fun. You can believe whatever you want. Make the universe as cool as you like. Believe in things for the fun of it

So this Christmas, my boss invited me to do Christmas with them if I had no other plans (I work with him, his wife and her BIL) but they had a trip in the next few days so they were really apologetic that it wasn’t a full proper Christmas, it would only be some drinks, snacks and a film with their family.

And omg it was the best Christmas! I know I have very limited experience but it was so nice! They made fresh bread and chai and an apple pie and we just hung out and chatted. It was super chill and so fun.

They’re genuinely the nicest family and I’m so touched they thought to invite me. I think I’ve been adopted but no complaints here lol

So I was talking to peeps at work about retirement etc and we’re all jaded 20-something year olds, and we were joking about retirement ages. As one does

But I’ve realised since I’ve been POMO I’ve been living like nine of it matters. And I only realised the other day that it’s true

I’m not making it out this alive either way. And if I’m allowed to retire, I’ll be too old to do anything. Or I’ll not have enough pension to live off

But who knows what’ll happen in the next 60 odd years? Humanity might not even be here

I know it’s a very nihilistic view, I’m here for a good time. No matter how well I eat, or how often I exercise, or what I do, I’m still gonna die. Be it from natural or man-made causes, I’m gonna die one day. That’s life

So sometimes people will criticise me, like ‘oh you could save that money’, 'smokings bad for you’, 'that tattoos permanent’.

Babe, none of that matters. My money, habits, tattoos, all of me, will only last as long as I do. Nothings permanent. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Nothing in society is real. Its all constructed by us to give ourselves meaning. We’ve created a whole complex society for ourselves to make our own lives harder and, frankly, I don’t care. I’m gonna live my life now and I do not give a single shit about the future

Nothing is guaranteed and nothing is definite. I’m here for a good time and that’s it

fire-to-fire:

I got saved when I was 7 years old because my mother told me if I died in my sleep that night I would go to hell. I was officially too old to be considered “safe” by our church.

I got baptized when I was 8 years old. I was too young even for our church but they made an exception because of my family. I remember getting on stage and saying (on a mic still too tall on its lowest setting)- “I am doing this because I want to show I am obedient to God”, but I was just a kid. I was a kid terrified of burning for eternity and doing what I was told was necessary to avoid that.

And the fact that my family and my church held this scared child up as a token for how holy they were for creating me instead of being horrified is fucked.

As a JW they would hold up literal children as like goals, I guess, because they got baptised. And these were kids who were like 6

And as a POMO adult I’m horrified because these kids have no idea what they’re doing, what they’re getting themselves into and no idea that they’re leaving themselves no out in the future. It’s gonna be soo hard if they leave because they made a vow as an infant and now they’re fucked

It’s honestly disgusting when children get baptised

All my life my dad was like ‘find something your interested in and apply yourself to it and you’ll succeed’. Which was generally good advice.

But the problem was it only applied to things he considered good…

Like when I did media studies as an A Level, I absolutely loved it. It was so much fun and so interesting. It was definitely my thing

We did all our coursework on blogs and shared the links with our teachers for grading etc. So I did all my analysis etc on this blog and I was so proud of it. It was probably the best work of my life. So I shared the link with my dad

His response? 'You’ve written so much. I’m not reading through all that.’

Well OK I’m sorry that your interest isn’t obscure music videos but at least try? You wrote your dissertation on tree rings?? Who wants to read pages of that? Maybe find some nice way of saying it. I worked my ass off on your advise and all you’ve got is 'meh can’t be bothered’?

I’m sorry that I’m not gonna be a solicitor or an accountant or whatever. I’m not good with numbers but damn can I write an essay. I’m sorry that it’s not something you’re not interested in but maybe you should have thought about that before giving that advise instead of waiting to crush my ambition

I feel like the whole addictive personality/unhealthy coping mechanism thing isn’t talked about enough but also really hard to explain to someone else

Like I’m constantly on a precarious seesaw of trying to control one without making another a problem. I can essentially trade addictions but it’s a lesser evil kind of situation

Eg/ I really shouldn’t drink. I know this. I have a personal and family history of alcohol related issues, shall we say. So I tried to stop drinking. And it worked. Mostly. Except I started gambling. Because I wasn’t drinking. So now I’m having a drink or two while I try to stop wasting money. Which is working, in an unhealthy kinda way

I stopped SH by smoking. I haven’t cut in over a year but I gained a nicotine addiction. I vape so it’s slightly less bad. But if I stop, I might end up back where I started

And I have to be careful. Because if I, for example, dieted, it would grow. It wouldn’t stop at a certain weight or a certain calorie deficit. It would become a compulsion

Because these are coping mechanisms. I took the ones I started with and traded them off and/or evolved them to where I am now. And it’s good in a way because I’m coping. But it’s not great because these aren’t healthy and it’s hard to explain to someone without them being like ‘well stop?’ or just judging me

A kid from my congregation started at my job. I’ve been working mon-fri and he does Saturdays so I haven’t worked with him until today.

It’s really weird coz

1. I haven’t seen him in years and he’s grown about 3ft

And 2. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if he know I’m me. If he does, he knows he’s not supposed to have anything to do with me. I don’t know if I should leave him alone or try to break the ice? Maybe he’s just shy?

Like I don’t wanna things uncomfortable or problematic but it’s weird and I feel like that’s gonna cause problems alone if we work together more often

And I absolutely don’t wanna end up talking religion

Maybe it’s the asexual in Mr, maybe its the ex cult kid, idk but I feel like we put so much meaning on sex when we’ve essentially made it meaningless as a civilisation?

Like we don’t mate to breed? We have contraceptives and stuff. We do it because we want to. And we have IVF and cloning etc so theoretically we don’t actually need to have sex at all.

It’s a completely natural thing but we put so much meaning on it?? I get it in the past, but now? It’s meaningless. The only reason it’s still a big deal is because we keep it that way?

And I really don’t understand the logic of that

*tw: depression, sexual assault*

It always kinda surprises me that the people who know the least about you who are always like ‘I know you better than you do’.

Like no you don’t. I’ve told you exactly nothing and you’re proving it by your reactions…

Like my parents often say 'we know you’ but in reality they don’t know the first thing about me. If they did, they wouldn’t have judged me for everything I ever did.

Like maybe I don’t wanna be around these people because they’re exactly like my school bullies. Maybe I like this music because I love poetry and prose and I’m not just trying to get a reaction and go for shock value. Maybe metal is actual way more wholesome than pop? Maybe I don’t wanna hang with this guy because he reminds me of another guy who actually did something. Maybe I stay in my room and don’t want to do anything, not because I’m angsty but because I’m severely depressed. Maybe I’m not trans because I hate god but because I have been my entire life.

And maybe, just maybe, you don’t know any of this because you’d already created this environment before I could even comprehend it. Because everytime I tried to tell you something, I was being *insert phrase*, just because I couldn’t say it outright.

Maybe all of the things you judged me for was me trying to tell you something. Maybe you’re just really bad at listening.

Maybe you don’t actually know me at all

This song really shows that Anatoly

1. knows he’s an asshole and

2. solidly believes he’s the hero of the story

He’s straight up saying ‘yeah I did that shit. That was me. But I’m the good guy here so it equals out’

He knows he hurt people, he knows he’s a piece of shit. But that doesn’t matter to him. Because he won the game.

And he’s gonna keep playing victimised as long as it serves him because he’s proved to himself it works

I have to say, there aren’t many up sides to growing up in a cult, but there’s definitely one;

You really appreciate the little things

I grew up not being allowed to have sleepovers or holidays or anything. Any time I spent with my friends was going to end soon and I had to pretend it wasn’t *that* good. I had to lie about where I was. I had to lie about the stupid little gifts they gave me, if not turn them down entirely

So now, when I’m with then, all of its special. When we stay up late, when we stay over, when we drink, when we buy each other ridiculous presents and I can actually return their holiday wishes and I can tell them happy birthday and get them something as well… that shits priceless and I don’t think it’ll ever get old

I missed all this stuff for 21 years and, sad as that is, I really get to appreciate it as an adult. It’s not normalised to me. It’ll always be special

There’s a concept I learned about at school called Death of the Author, which kinda fits this thought.

I know so many songs that are about things I’ve never experienced. But they fit different experiences.

Songs about the horrors of war, government shit, addiction… they say things about parts of my life I don’t know how to express.

I don’t know that many songs about growing up in a cult and being shunned by your whole family but I know songs that fit my emotions

There’s nothing wrong with redefining songs

I always thought I didn’t have a fight or flight because my instinct is to freeze.

But I do. And it’s mental.

When I’m in a situation I deem unsafe, I hide myself, I bury me deep inside myself. I run, psychologically.

But at the end of the day I’m still in the situation, because I my body stays. I can’t just leave because that would be rude (god forbid).

But I heard and saw everything and it’s still there, waiting for my mind to return for its hiding place

But then, at least, it’s second hand damage

Does anyone else have a Cis Voice? Like a ‘don’t question me’ voice? A safe voice?

Kinda like a phone voice. But everytime you speak to a stranger, you go a few octaves higher and enunciate your words because That’s What Adults Like.

Because no one will ask anything then and you can explain away everything else.

My name? Yeah it’s unusual but oh well. My hair? I like it like this and I’m punk. My clothing? Uniform, or I’m comfortable.

I know it’s ridiculous because I honestly can’t wait for my voice to drop. But everytime I talk to someone I don’t know, I turn on my Good Little Christian Girl voice

Because, although I don’t know any of these people, they might say something. They might ask about my trans-ness. They might not agree with it. They might be Jehovah’s Witnesses…

When shit goes down with my (2) friends I’m like, I really want to help. But it’s feels too much like situations I’ve been in before

When both sides confide in me, I’m back when my brother left the JWs. I know too much but apparently also nothing at all. I’m told everything but nothing. I want to do everything I can but this family’s falling apart regardless.

And you’re having a conversation about triggers and mental health but everyone thinks you just care so much but no one thinks maybe the reason I care so much and maybe the reason I know exactly what to say is because I’ve been here before, and I’ve failed before and I’ve thought about it a shit tonne and I’m not letting it happen again because this whole situation is FUCKING TRIGGERING JESUS CHRIST

*tw suicide*

OK so y'know how when people think of cults, they think like Jonestown and shit? So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t be a BAD cult right?, because they’re not doing like mass suicides right?

Wrong.

Sure they haven’t gotten everyone together to drink the KoolAid or something. But think how many people have chosen to die because they won’t accept a blood transfusion, because they didn’t get an organ transplant, because they wouldn’t chose a side, because they wouldn’t carry a certain piece of paperwork… because of whatever

How many people would that be? A couple thousand? Tens of thousands? Who knows

But people *have* chosen to die because they were told to. By the Governing Body. How is it any different? How is it any better than them doing it all together in one place?

It’s absolutely not better, it’s actually worse because people still don’t think it’s a problem

I wish we could just say goodbye…

I’ve probably posted about this before but today Lady in Red came on

And I remember my dad picking me up as a child and slow dancing with me to that song. It’s one of my earliest memories. And I thought if I ever get married, we’d dance it again. It’s literally the main song I associate him with.

My dad never called me a princess or anything like that but he played this song and told me.

And he doesn’t remember that. Beyond all the obvious ‘I’m shunned and shit’ stuff, he doesn’t even remember twirling me around the living room to scratchy vinyl records. He doesn’t remember standing me on his feet to dance a waltz. He doesn’t remember it.

How the fuck do you forget that??

OK so I just had a weird moment of like revelation. Coz I know JWs are a cult. I know that. But I was watching a show about Jonestown and Jim Jones and like, a lot of it (around the middle when they’re established but before the shit hit) sounded eerily similar to JWs… like the way he spoke and the way they dealt with the rest of the world etc.

And I wasn’t expecting it because I know they’re cults and its all there in my brain but I wasn’t expecting just how much he sounded like that or how much the work ethic was like jws

It’s very uncomfortable…