#ftm transgender

Facial hair finally growing back (He/him)

Living for this new ink done by Voodoo at Voodoo Monkey Tattoo NY (Also 1 year 4 Months on Testosterone)

1 year 9 months on Testosterone

Sorry for the lack of posts been in school for my pharmacy technician certification. It’s going super well, I’m stealth and it’s been so awesome I love my new life so much :3

I admit today; I let my own insecurities get the better of me. I had a hard time getting through the day without something making me aware of just how feminine I can look at times. I don’t know. I just felt very off all day. I didn’t want to admit how off I was either to my girlfriend. It started with how much effort it took to bind me down. Right now, I don’t have a proper binder. I have two compression tank tops and sport bras to hold down a DD chest not to mention I’m overweight. No I could stand to lose 50 lbs. I don’t know where or how to start, but I have to figure out something.

So that didn’t help. I had to put on two sports bras, two compression tanks, and a lose fitting t-shirt and I still felt just like it wasn’t enough. My body feels like a cage right now. I just want it to feel right for a change. It’s getting kind of hard to watch other people in their transition on Youtube because it makes me aware of just how far I have to go. I’m truly happy for them, but I want them. Envy is not a good color on me. I want that. I want that. I want that. I want to be assured and comfortable in my skin. I want to present and live full time as a man. I want to be seen as a man. I want people to recognize me as a man. I want that so much and it feels like I won’t be able to achieve that sometimes. 

Followed by the crippling doubt, it hurts so much. I want a person who pats me on the back and lets me know everything is OK and I’m just letting my own poor self-confidence downtrodden me. I’m letting my own doubt suffocate me. I’m letting my own insecurities weigh heavy in my head. I need to stop! Maybe because I’m so tired of feeling trapped within my skin or maybe I’m just that self conscious. Will it always be like this? Can’t I be positive that I can make this happen for me? 

I CAN graduate college and make something of my life! I CAN be a good parent to my son! I CAN live life as me; as a man! I DON’T have to doubt that my future will be good if I make it happen!

I’m in a blogging mood I guess. I think my own thoughts try to play tricks on me. I know it sounded like I was embracing the idea of being trans in my last blog, but my head always turns back to my family. You see, my family isn’t exactly all excited about having the first rainbow sheep to come out out of their all-white sheep family. Yes, the racial term is meant there. My family is a bunch of white, stuffy, republican Christians. I’m the first, and only, person within my family to come out as LGBT. I came out when I was 15 originally as bisexual and have sense come out as preferring the term pansexual. My father was ok with this; my mom not so much. In time, 6 years to be exact when I brought home my girlfriend, she has come to accept that my sexual orientation is not heterosexual. She may not always like it, but she’s finally starting to accept that she can’t change it. My gender identity, however, is a completely different story.

I don’t think I’ll truly ever be able to come out to my family for the sheer fact of how they responded to my girlfriend when my sister outed her. My girlfriend identifies as a male to female transsexual. She started HRT shortly before we started dating. My parents, up until recently, have told me they think she would make a better man than a woman. Those comments have now stopped, but it took a while to get to that point. Seeing how they responded to her, and to the idea as a whole of one not identifying with one’s genitalia, has left me with the impression that their reaction to me would be far more severe. 

I didn’t plan on this to happen. I don’t think anyone does. I like to think sometimes this is just a phase I’m going through and it will be over one day and I can go back to being… normal? Being uneducated about the trans* community as a whole? What? What would I go back to being? Unhappy? Feeling like something was missing and feeling like my body was a cage? Feeling like I was constantly lost? Feeling like I didn’t know myself and was nowhere close to that? What would I be going back to that was so important? Nothing. That’s just it. I would be going back to being ignorant and trapping all these feelings I had inside me in a box that I pretended wasn’t there.

I like to try to push the things that bother me away and sometimes, I can. This isn’t one of those things. It’s real. It’s personal. It may have been there my entire life and I didn’t know or understand what it was until recently. I’m still learning the in’s and out’s of myself, but this is something I’m trying not to let myself push away because I would be pushing my identity away. I would be pushing away a time where I felt the most like myself ever. I would be losing that and I don’t want to. 

I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell my family these feelings I have, but I want them to know I love them unconditionally even if they don’t return the jester to me. They made me. They gave me life. They raised me. They have done so much for me. That love will never go away. I just don’t think that they could return that kind of love to me if I decide to tell them I want to live my life as a guy, which is where the idea of this just being a phase comes into play. All to appease them and not to lose them. But why? If they can’t love me unconditionally as their child through any circumstance, then why should I still try to appease them in some manner? Why?

I guess that’s what my brain is tackling right now. I am ready to take a step forward and transition. I want to do this for me. I have to, because I’m tired of feeling caged within my body. I just need to know I won’t lose everything along away; everything that has meant so much to me for the 22 years I’ve been alive.

I have a random life goal that I would like to achieve someday. I would like to meet Laura Jane Grace in person. I would. I admire her courage and strength and her honesty in her choice to transition. It’s just an added bonus that she’s a parent too. I don’t often see a lot of trans guys that are parents. To meet one would be nice but I’m getting off track. I would like to meet her, sit down with her, and talk to her about how she has handled coming out to her child. My son is younger, mind you. He will be two this month, but to talk to someone like her would be amazing to me.

I would like to meet any trans parents out there, but she’s one I’ve seen in the media and on this website and have watched True Trans on AOL and would thoroughly enjoy just talking to. I say that with the limited experience I have of being out. 

My brain is just now coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t simply going to go away and it isn’t simply going to allow me to push it back in a box. Maybe I need to learn to embrace the idea that this is my new normal. This is me, and I shouldn’t suffocate it or hide it and pretend it doesn’t exist. That has only caused more pain on my part. Like any person, I’m scared. I’m scared what will follow allowing myself to fully say, “I’m a guy. I want to live my life as a guy because, in my head and my heart, it’s who I’m supposed to be.” At the same time, I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t exist. I can’t do that anymore. I need to take steps forward rather than steps backwards.

I’m a guy. I’m a man. I’m a boy. I’m a transgender female to male! 

I get giddy every time I see me writing it and acknowledging it. Now what is the next step forward?

HEY FRIENDS

Sorry for being so quiet, ya boi is moving this weekend and has done literally zero prep, so I’m trying to panic pack. Soon as I’m good, I’ll post like four chapters and a few one shots, I promise! Love you guys!

hey and hello! hope you all are coping with the holiday seasons. i’ve grown away from tumblr and therefore never update here. i, fabian own both this blog and dedicatedtodysphoricpeople though. i have a twitter so if you wanna reach out or ask for advice or so go there instead @thetobyfrance twitter.com/thetobyfrance. i’m semi stealth, just fyi.

There’s zero indication that testosterone shortages are going away, so it’s important to arm yourself with information so that you know what to do when a shortage strikes. 

1. The best way to avoid a testosterone shortage is to not let yourself run out of T to begin with. It’s a good idea to always keep a backup vial around, but this is becoming harder to do in many areas of the U.S. where 10ml and 5ml vials are no longer dispensed and only 1ml vials are available. (Seemingly all of the sudden, pharmacies are enforcingthe28-day rule that calls for multi-dose vials to be discarded 28 days after first use.) If you can, leave a spare vial in your emergency kit, and order your testosterone prescription refill BEFORE you actually run out of T!

2. Get informed about the shortage. Talk with your pharmacist and look up information about the shortage online. You may be able to find out when the shortage is expected to end. In the U.S., you can use this USA Drug Shortage Search tool. In Canada, check here.

3. Take your prescription to another pharmacy. Pharmacies don’t all run out of testosterone at the same time, so if your pharmacy can’t fill your prescription crack the phone book and start calling all the pharmacies in your area, even pharmacies in nearby cities if you have to. You’ll probably need to see your doctor to move your prescription to a different pharmacy.

4. Switch to another brand or formulation. This can be harder to do than it sounds. First, you’ll have to see your doctor for a new prescription. Don’t delay as it’s unlikely that you’ll be the first in line for the alternative brand or formulation and what often happens during a shortage is that the alternative product also becomes unavailable due to increased demand.

In Canada, there are just two brands of injectable testosterone available. They have different concentrations of testosterone requiring a different dosage, as well as different suspension oils which some people are allergic to. If you obtain an alternative brand or formulation, be sure to read the label carefully and compare it to what you normally take.

Switching between different delivery methods, ie. intramuscular vs transdermal, can also lead to difficulty in maintaining stable hormone levels and it can take months for your body to adjust to the switch.

“Switching back and forth between different products is not ideal, and many doctors do not have experience in prescribing the different forms of testosterone,” said Dr Anastacia Tomson during the recent South African shortage.

Of course, be prepared to pay more as all the alternatives to T. cypionate and T. enanthate will be more expensive.

“I noticed a difference when I switched from Reandron to Testex, but this [shortage] is much worse. It’s not just about getting my period back, which is bad enough because it means reliving everything I’ve struggled to get away from, it’s about general changes in my body. I feel more sluggish and tired. And I’ve put on weight.” —Yerai, transgender man in Spain

5. Check with your local trans health clinic. If you have access to a trans health clinic, you may find that they keep some testosterone on hand and can give you shots during a shortage (provided you have an existing prescription.)

6. Get injectable T compounded. Only certain compounding pharmacies can make injectable testosterone so you’ll need to search around. Depending on where you live in the U.S., New Era Pharmacy in Portland, OR may be able to ship to you. Some downsides are that the accuracy of testosterone concentrations in compounded T has been questioned and compounded injectable testosterone can cost twice as much as what you’re used to spending on testosterone.

7. Get T from a friend. This is illegal and would likely be frowned upon by your prescribing doctor, but when times are tough sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

8. Ration your supply of testosterone. If you can reduce your dosage or frequency of injections, you might be able to ride out the shortage, though you probably won’t feel 100%.

9. Patience. If a testosterone shortage isn’t expected to last very long, you might be able to just wait it out, although symptoms of low T will start to creep up as soon as two weeks after a shot.

10. Underground labs. This is illegal and not recommended. Buying testosterone from a rogue internet pharmacy is a dangerous way to obtain medicine, but when you’re left without options the risks can look a little less menacing. If you’re forced to resort to this, you absolutely must purchase a testosterone testing kit.

Hopefully, you’ll never feel the effects of a testosterone shortage, but if you do, at least you’ve got a game plan now.

Source:Testosterone Shortages: Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For YOU?

I gotta say, at first, it felt too big, but I’ve been wearing it more and straight up this gendercat packer is amazing. I have so little bottom dysphoria bc it’s like attached to me and it had BALLS. AND it’s colored. It’s honestly so comfortable. And I’ve worn it in sweat pants while sleeping at a friends house and it just looked and felt so natural. Like I reach down and it’s penis, or I’ll pull my underwear down for the bathroom or changing and it’s still there. It’s so nice

I AM WEARING “ BOYS” CLOTHES FOR YGE FIRST TIME

IM FREAKING OUT

IM LITERALLY SO HAPPY OMG

oh yeah I’m not sure if i said this but i got a super short haircut and am getting a binder sometime this week.