Time for my annual trip to Washington DC to see my beloved and to give him a big hug. I selfied myself At Denver International Airport and then, after an uneventful flight to Washington National and Ronald Reagan Airport, I finally got to hug my fiancee, @scott144, and I nearly cried. I love that man so much that it often hurts.
it’s a crime against humanity that they’ve waited to let Spader grow his hair out again until afterThe Blacklist became completely and utterly unwatchable
a collaboration between @d4rkpluto@mystiicwinterand@sunball about the messages your future spouse has for you, take a deep breath and carefully take your pick!
❦ifonly i was able to express the thousand thoughts in my mind but i wont be able to think of the correct words and structure to articulate the heavy emotions i have been feeling, but to put it in a simple sentence, i want you to know that i feel like im floating, i feel like im being carried upwards by the hands of the dainty and opaque clouds and i dont know when it is going to stop. i wonder a lot, and i wonder about many topics and one of those obviously including romance, specifically you. its quite cheesy, im quite an awkward person, especially when it comes to romantic communication, that is probably why i am not capable of thinking of the right words to express myself, maybe im doing it already and i dont even realise it.
❦imwaiting, is all i have to say, im waiting for you, for this connection and i dont even know about it, my subconscious and higher self is craving for you, craving for its counterpart, the counterpart it was promised by the Gods. the thought of you rushes through my mind like a breeze but it stays there like a stamp on a piece of paper, it makes me feel like im going crazy, thinking of someone that i dont even know, do you even exist? do you even know i exist? does my presence whist through your mind just like how you do to mine? do you understand that impact you have created in my life without even you giving your name…your identity?
❦no matter how much i attempt to hide it, yes i am a hopeless romantic and i hide it by being a dick. that is how i push people away and perhaps i’ll do that to you and ruin the chance of having a one in a million. i am intelligent, but when it comes to receiving or giving love, there’s no aptitude. it’s silly, you might find it silly, being a hopeless romantic and not even knowing how to give or take love, perhaps it is a coping mechanism, a terrible one by the way, it’ll be for the best for me to reach out for help but you know silly people like me would rather tend to physical hobbies instead of asking for help, maybe it is a reflection of how i was treated, being told to focus on something else instead of the actual issue.
❦perhaps, that is what im doing with you, giving all my focus to you and not even focusing on myself. well, i’ve been told self-awareness is the key, and that is what i am doing, so there is a possibility that i can begin to start loving myself, because how the hell can i love someone else when i dont even love myself? like i said, quite cheesy, but sleazy comments is what helps me go through the day. my friends laugh at those cheap comments i make; well, just for you i am willing to grow, and when we finally come into union we grow together, emotionally, physically and mentally.
❦you are who i’ve been waiting for, and instead of telling that to you when you are haunting my mind i’ll strike down my pride to say that to you when we meet in reality. that you are the treasure i’ve been digging the world for, that diamond miners have been working for and the person of my dreams, you being the art and the artist, words cannot express how much i admire you, how long and how much i’ve been waiting for you and how much i envy on how versatile you can be, as i’ve been saying, i cant wait till your arrival, and i hope you are feeling the same.
Sometimes I hate the way you seem to figure out everything about me, like you know me better than I do myself. A familiarity, have we met before? I don’t care at this point as I will do anything to get out of the place I am in. It mostly feels like me against the world and like I am lost. It might look like I got it all figured out, like my path has already been carved in stone. But my mind screams otherwise. Is it weird I find solace in your arms? The way your love is so much tougher than what I’ve experienced but I still seek it. Steady. Safe. Reliable. Maybe you are the ground I fall on when I can’t handle the hurricane anymore.
You push me away for some reason, yet you come back for more. Are you teasing me? Even if I am frustrated by the way you play your games I can’t be mad at you. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand you. But you are a riddle worth trying to solve. You make me feel like a small child who is ready to explore the world. Is this how the spring feels once the winter retreats? You are harsh in the best ways possible and you shake up my world. This is like a dumb love story and I am afraid you will realize the role that you are playing and decide to change the script. Unpredictable, aren’t you? You move with force and leave fire behind you, ready to deal with all of the consequences. You can burn me all that you want as long as you keep me near.
I have many people that I care about, but losing you will bring a whole different type of emptiness. You brought so much into my life and you taught me so many lessons, helped me shape my perspective and now every experience will carry a piece of you. Our love can feel bitterswert sometimes and I am sorry for that, baby. You met me broken and you’ve been mending my heart since. I can’t help but feel like I am not enough, can’t give you all that you’ve gifted me in return. I can see all of you but I will wait for you to reveal it to me. I understand you can’t be as open as I am, but it hurts sometimes knowing you want to hide from me. I know everything, even when I pretend that I am clueless.
We are an odd couple and even our friends think that. I like our dynamic though. I like you so much. No, I love you. I love our imperfect relationship and all of the obstacles we come across, cause it shows me we are strong even in the face of adversities. I try to show how I feel about us the best that I can but I hope you know already about the love I hold for you. Odd couple they say. I would rather call it special, and I wouldn’t want it to be in any other way.
I watch the world as it pushes you back, it harms you and it tried to take you down. Aren’t you tired? Don’t you want to just give it all up and not fight anymore? You don’t believe my sweet words… “cheesy” you say. But I would love to spend the rest of my life kissing your tears away, hugging you and telling you that is all fine. You know you don’t have to act strong all the time, right? Fake smiles, proud stares. But it hurts you? It keeps you up at night and you act like their words don’t sting. You are ready to play the bad guy just to prove to yourself that you don’t care. It’s okay if you do, because it shows even your heart knows how wonderful you actually are.
◌ ✦ ｡ﾟ
I’ve heard a lot about you, the good, the bad, the parts you’re ashamed of, your quirks, and honestly, I’m here for it all. although I’m not good with words, I’ll try my best to articulate my feelings I have for you. you’re a lot and I like a lot, It’s not a bad thing. you have a lot of depth and I don’t mind going deeper into you. you’re funny, intelligent, inspiring and beautiful. you are so loved, more than you know, even though I’m not good at showing it. when you nuzzled your head on my neck, I swore to the gods that I’d protect you. I’ll keep you close and protect you from the dangers of this world. I’ll try my best to treat you right, I won’t make the same mistakes I made in the best. I’ll do better this time. I’ll stick by you through thick and thin and defend your every breath. I’ll give you anything and everything I have until my very last heartbeat. I’ll take my time and listen to your problems and understand you to your very core. I’ll kiss your hand when you’re nervous that even your palms start getting sweaty just so you know that I’m here for you. your forehead, lips and stomach are my favourite places to kiss. I love when you look up at me with your puppy eyes when I’m about to kiss your forehead and the way your lips feel against mine and the way I feel when I’m peppering you with kisses on your soft stomach as my hands grip your waist. you’re perfect. even though you don’t like your stomach or your thighs, I love them. they don’t have to look a certain way. I love when it’s wide and chubby, I love when it’s not, I don’t care. I just loveyou. just know that when we meet, I might not be what you expect or the most loving. I’ll joke around with you a lot to the point it seems like we’re just bestfriends. I’m really bad with words, it’s not my strongest suit. I cant apologise, I cant say what’s on my mind, I cant comfort, I cant say anything romantic. I cant do any of that on a daily basis. I’m only able to say it when it rains. I keep all my feelings bottled up until it all fizzes up and I just can’t hold it all in anymore. the thunder only ever breaks when I open my mouth to pour my heart out and say everything I’ve been meaning and dying to say to you in a long time. It’s intense, It’s a lot, but we can be a lot together.
I love you is all I have to say. It sounds so simple like it’s something you can just say so casually but it’s not. that word does not belong to me as I have proved that I don’t know how to use it properly, it feels so wrong for me to open my mouth and say it because of all the shit I’ve done and gone through in regards to love. my heart, to me, is like glass. it’s fragile but when it breaks, it breaks into tiny pieces, I’m left picking up the tiny pieces with sharp edges until my hands bleed as I insist the other person to stay back and watch me pick up my mess. I don’t know where that came from, guess I touched a lot of glass in the past. I don’t like people getting into my business. It’s easier to say the word ‘love’ in my head because that’s what I think of when I look at you, “oh my god, I love this person”. It’s more of a subconscious thought though, I’m not really aware that I’m saying it in my head. my brain just associates you with all the greatest things in my life and the things I love, not that there’s many. but even just thinking of that word, I feel like somebody would just stab me in any second. I feel like I’m always under a magnifying glass, always being watched, like a prey ready to have its life taken away the second it makes a mistake. that mistake would be me loving someone. maybe one of my exes put a curse on me for me to not love anyone else because fuck, why cant I? not that I blame her, I think I deserve it. to not hurt anyone else. I’m waiting for karma to knock at my door so that I can get on my knees and beg to not have anything taken away from me, especially not you. I’d put up my tired white flag, beg to be spared and cry for mercy. I have a lot of pride but I would not hesitate to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness from those that I’ve done wrong. I cant run from it though, it’ll get me at one point. I just really hope that losing you isn’t part of my karma. surely karma can’t be that cruel.
OMG my boyfriend got me a late birthday present because it was so expensive. He got me a pearl necklace . With one real pearl on it *.* it’s so pretty . I’ve always wanted a pearl . He gets the best gifts!
I need to get us some matching shoes for his birthday. It’s gonna be vans that are colorblock with blue, yellow, green, and red. I know he will love them and so will I. Plus there’s this matching shirt I totally want .
He hates when I take photos of him . Lol also forgive the trash we moved in a while ago but don’t know what to do with all these boxes full of crap I want to throw away. But that’s not our call….
And that’s cornstarch . Our baby bird ! He loves screaming . Just all the time and right in the ear.
