my first photo is me 4 years ago, at my honeymoon where I tried my first black man / the next one is from this summer still married but with a bull for 2 years, he asked me to workout harder , to follow a diet, to try the lips filler and to have a boobs job, my husband paid for everything
Husband comes home, 7.30am. Kid is watching cartoons.
Hey champ how you doing
Hi Daddy
Where’s your Mom?
She’s in bed. You’re not back til Sunday
I know. Someone got sick. Everything ok?
Yeah. I got a new baseball, look
That’s cool. Your Mom buy you that?
No. Joe gave it me
Gave it TO me. Who’s Joe?
Some old guy. He came to see Mom
Oh yeah? When?
Yesterday night
You mean last night?
Yeah. It was funny. Mom was dancing. It was ooky
Dancing?
Yeah, she was dancing all sexy. I was on the stairs she got mad at me for looking
Oh yeah? Where’s she now
I told you. In her bed
And who’s coat is that?
I dunno
Husband goes upstairs. Wife comes out of bedroom in a robe and closes the door behind her. She’s in full makeup.
Hi Doug I wasn’t expecting you
Are you going somewhere? Why are you wearing your boots?
Yeah. I had to….pop to the store. We need milk
Dressed like that?You have somebody in there?
Please, don’t go in, Doug
Don’t go in my own bedroom?
He pushes the door open. Tied to the bed is a man in his mid sixties, greying hair. Naked except for a blindfold and a pair of red panties that the husband recognizes. They were a Valentine’s Day present for his wife. On the floor is a riding crop and a flogger.
What’s going on?
Doug, I’m so sorry.
You. Whoever you are. You need to get the fuck out of here now
Don’t shout, please! Dylan is downstairs
He’s fucking downstairs, I know, and you’re up here playing fucking sex games with this old fuck. Jesus. Have you lost your mind? Is that cum in your hair? I don’t fucking BELIEVE THIS.
Summary: In the end his home does become their home.
Author’s note: I’m not going to even pretend that I understand how the dorm/ house things works I just made a bunch of stuff up and called it a day. Anyway you can blame @orphiccs who easily converted into a park twin couple ergo resulting in yet another fic that edges on spicy on mostly settles on fluff.
She chooses to take his adamantly repeated words lightly because there’s no telling what would happen to her heart- the weak neglected organ- if she placed anymore importance on his bold claims.
But regardless of her reluctance, his home does indeed become theirhome.
Away from the dorms.
It’s where they collapse after hours of swatting shuttlecocks back and forth between them.
Her father’s eyes are piercing and too knowing as she stutters out an explanation of why she wasn’t at her dorms when he visited.
“We were just watching tv.”
She doesn’t blush because there’s no reason to, she’s a grown woman at twenty five years and not the insecure teen that struggled to make eye contact after disappointing her father.
“Badminton comes first. If he distracts you this ends.” He threatens sounding all too serious.
She’s never purposely disobeyed her father, struggled too hard to gain his approval and love to ever consider doing such a thing. But if he told her to let go of Taejun forever, she knows that would be the first time.
But he no longer delivers fresh fruits to the dorm, instead turning Taejun’s kitchen into a produce aisle- commonly texting her to remind them to eat whatever fruit he had brought them.
Taejun looks slightly nauseous at the sight of strawberries to her surprise.
“You don’t like strawberries?” She asks him with a head tilt, pushing the red berry at him but he moves away with a scrunched nose and hasty hand wave.
“I’m just sick of them.” He groans placing his empty cup in the sink. One of the matching green cups he bought for them, her own on the countertop. With a shrug she pops another succulent berry in her mouth, nibbling at the flesh and throwing the stem on a plate. Another purchase from their most recent shopping trip, she had suggested matching green plates but he’d shook his head picking up pale yellow ones instead.
When she’d raised a brow in question he answered, “They look like the sun. It’ll remind me of you.”
To which she had hidden her cheeks while rushing away. He was such a shameless flirt, it was embarrassing.
“You’re making me want them now.”
His voice has that tone, a tone she never knew before but with her first boyfriend she has learned that there are tones. And they can mean so much.
She makes the mistake of looking at him while taking another bite, juices running down her lip and her tongue is too tied to catch the fluids before they drip on her white hoodie.
“Shit.”
Response to both that hungry look in his eyes and the stain on her favorite hoodie.
She rubs at the stain but that only smears it more, making things worst.
“Stop that. Take it off, we need to clean it with water and soap.”
She gasps at his order, staring at him blankly his words disarming her senses. Normally she wears a shirt under her hoodie incase she gets hot, not today though. She was in a rush (and eager to see him.)
“I- no… I don’t have….” The words fumble clumsily on her tongue and he stares sharply trying to interpret her words- the jumbled incomplete mess they are. Realization blooms on his face, his gaze sharpening a quick barely noticeable glance at her chest before his gaze settles on her eyes.
“Okay.” His voice is strangled, too deep and telling.
Another charged moment of them staring at each other, her in trepidation and him with something palpable that makes her skin tingle.
He walks away without a word into a room she hasn’t ventured to, too nervous to after seeing a bed in there. She twiddles her fingers awkwardly on the table before standing to throw away the discarded strawberry stems and run water on the stained plate.
“Here.”
She surpresses the urge to jump, for someone so big he can be so quiet at times. Feet light as clouds even off the badminton court.
Something soft falls on her head and she reaches up to grab it. It smells like his detergent as if it was taken straight from the laundry. Knowing him there is a clean bag of clothes hidden somewhere in that room.
“Put it on. I’ll wash that.” He gestures at her soiled hoodie.
She looks down considering her options.
“Come on before it sets.”
With a sigh she grabs the edge and starts to tug it up obediently without thought suddenly freezing as a sliver of her stomach is just exposed, cool air running up the naked skin.
With a burning blush and a mental reprimand- what kind of idiot undresses publicly just because they’re told?- she pulls the material back into its rightful place.
“Don’t stop on my account. I don’t mind.”
She glares face still burning.
He smirks in return looking her up and down salaciously.
With a huff she stomps to the bathroom brushing his hand away as he tries to grab her wrist, ignoring his whine of: “Just do it here. I won’t look.”
He’s lying. Everything about his body screams the truth, there’s no chance he won’t look and she’s terrified that she won’t mind.
Embracing her moment of solitude, she yanks off her hoodie and switches into the one he lent her, not even a little surprised at how large it fits on her body. Taejun is big- in personality and height.
She instinctively checks herself out in the mirror and winces at her appearance; cheeks comically red accompanied with a flush the runs from her forehead to her chest.
“Pull yourself together, you’re not a child. There’s nothing to be so embarrassed about, nothing even happened.”
And nothing will happen because they are only here to watch tv. A badminton tournament that neither of them is competing in.
Then she turns on the faucet and rubs at her sweater with soap, relieved when the stain starts to lift. At least one thing was going according to plan.
“Hey! Are you going to live in there? If so, let me in I wanna live with you!”
“Gross! Shut up!” She yells back, splashing water on her face and taking a solidifying breath. Hanging the hoodie to dry over the shower pole.
Nothing is going to happen.
She expects him to be sitting in front of the television waiting for her so she collides into his firm chest as she hastily exits the bathroom. Her forehead rests on what feels like a solid wall, the warmth of his body sweltering even through his layers of clothes.
She reacts first, jumping backwards ready to chastise him for being a creep.
“This was a bad idea.” He laments looking pained.
Too many things pop in her head at his statement: befriending her, believing in her, defending her, dating her, loving her.
“I’ll never be able to focus with you. Wearing that.” He gestures at her body.
That silences the whispers in her head, if only for a moment.
She looks down at herself, his hoodie reaching her mid knee and the sleeves way too long for her arms- sure she resembles a kid playing dress up. And this makes his proclamation all the more confusing.
“Why? I’m done eating now, I won’t get any food on it.”
He looks at her with a glint in his eyes sparking with barely concealed humour.
“You’re so innocent. It makes me want to corrupt you my sweet Taeyang.”
She ignores the heat swarming her body pushing past him to the living room, having no rebuttal for his challenge.
“I should take a picture to remember this.”
And then he does exactly that, snapping pictures of her even though she screams and covers her face feet flailing out to kick the phone from his hands. He grabs her in retaliation, tickling her until her stomach hurts and she starts to plead.
“Please, no more! I give up, have mercy!”
He lets her go but only after dropping an impromptu kiss on her cheek, chuckling at her shocked face.
“Close your mouth before I take that as an invitation.”
She squeaks, snapping her mouth shut going as far as to cover it with her hands.
“Should I be offended? Is kissing me that terrible?”
As if. Kissing him is the best feeling in the world right alongside scoring on the court and making her father proud. It makes her feel alive and wanted in a way that nothing else ever has before because nobody has ever wanted her before him.
But instead of sharing those thoughts she says, “Just watch the match.”
And for once he doesn’t argue, sitting down too close to her and wrapping a long arm around her shoulder dragging her closer until they are flush against each other. She melts into his light hold, letting him take the full weight of her body; which he does easily as if she weighs nothing.
Eventually the match becomes distracting enough for them to focus on it and not each other, and they are cheering and shouting suggestions at the television.
This goes on until the sun bends low and the sky transforms into milky twilight, curfew must be near and that can only mean one thing it’s almost time for her to go.
She hates this part more each time.
Heart aching every time they’re forced to part, outwardly he’s the clingy one but in her mind she knows that she’s no better missing him before he’s even gone.
“I should leave soon.”
This is where he usually tries to stop her, through childish methods- hiding her shoes, clinging to her like a koala or even crying desperately; crocodile tears on his cheeks.
So she’s anxious when no such attempt comes looking over at him finally, only to find his eyes slipped shut and his face smooth of emotion.
He’s asleep, she should have known from the silence. He always fills the empty spaces.
He’s cute. Objectively she knows that he’s always cute, unfortunately he knows it too and uses it to his advantage but now with him unconscious she can admire the chiseled line of his jaw and the fullness of his lips.
“Am I truly allowed to be this happy?” She brushes the fringe hanging over his forehead, dragging her fingers down his smooth cheek.
She pauses at his lips, they look so harmless now but she knows the devastation they can inflict washing away all her logic and self control.
She loathes the idea of waking him up from his much needed nap but she can’t resist tracing the rim of his lips with a single digit, playing with the dip of his cupid bow. Her exploration is done with nothing but curiosity but as his lips twitch and pucker slightly all pretenses fade away, she’s not as innocent as he claims.
Just not as bold as him.
He’s leaning against the wall, body on full display chest steadily rising and falling.
“Taejun, can you hear me?”
He gives no answer, not even stirring at her call and it builds her confidence making her move closer only inches separating their faces now.
She wants to kiss him so badly it’s a physical pain in her chest.
She strokes his cheeks instead, smothering the urges swirling inside of her. He was asleep. She had no right kissing him without his knowledge, no matter how tempting he was.
“Are you going to stare at me all night? Just do it.”
Her body is jolting before she can register that he’s awake and speaking to her. Then she slaps him in the chest hard, refusing to wince when it hurts her possibly more than it does him. Stupid athlete body.
“Why do you always pretend you’re sleeping?” She rolls her eyes, moving to stand up.
“Why didn’t you kiss me?”
He’s always so damn honest, words coming to mind and leaving his mouth before processing.
“You were sleeping. It didn’t seem right.”
She offers back honestly but he scoffs at her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
“So? You can still kiss me. You can always kiss me, there’s no version of me the doesn’t want you.”
Her eyes prickle from the nonchalant confession, he smiles fondly like he knows the effect he had on her and that she’s fighting to hold back tears.
“Don’t cry. Just kiss me, I want to remember it tonight in my dreams.”
She closes the distance between them crawling on her knees, his eyes widen in surprise at the view before she presses her lips into his pushing away the time for rational thought.
They kiss with only lips and then he pushes a wet tongue into her mouth and she accepts it as she’s done with everything else he’s offered her- hungrily but with some initial hesitation. There has never been another tongue in her mouth before him. So many of her firsts belong to him. Then there’s a warm hand on her back pulling her closer, closer and then lifting and settling her on a firm lap.
She pants, taking breaths through her nose like he taught her as he expertly devours her musing her hair with long fingers. She return the favor, scratching at the soft nape of his neck chest constricting at the deep rumbling groan he lets out. And then he shifts his hips and she bolts off her resting place, stumbling back onto her butt.
She’s can’t help but look down, his pants tenting obviously through the material of his gray sweatpants.
“I-um. I..I’ll go. I should go.”
But she makes no move to follow through, still watching him as he inhales air as if he’s depraved and flexes his hands until the veins are prominent in his arms.
“You don’t need to run because I’m like…..this. It’s natural. I want you. Want to do everything with you.”
She sits straighter at the promise, squirming in her spot. His voice has always done something to her but it’s stronger than ever now. The tone is back.
“But I’ll only do what you want me to. You’re safe with me.”
She nods. Too charged to use words to reply, both of their gazes locked on the other as the air sparks between them.
A second for consideration is all she gives.
Then she leans forward again, caution thrown to the wind the hot puffs of air from his lips landing on her own as he meets her halfway.
Then something vibrates in her pocket and she already knows what it is.
Curfew is in ten minutes. She has to go, right now and tells him as much.
“Just move in with me.”
She smiles at him, squishing his cheeks then smacking a loud kiss against his lips.
“You couldn’t handle it. I heard you can die from blue balls.”
He sputters at her but she’s faster than him, grabbing her jacket and racing to the doorway to put on her shoes.
“I’ll make sure to dream of you tonight. Make sure you do the same.”
His curse works and he’s hovering above her later that night, dirty grin on his stupidly handsome face as he pushes a hand into her underwear and whispers how much he likes seeing her in his clothes as she moans and bucks beneath him.
She can barely make eye contact the next day, ignoring the lascivious smile he sends her way.
Everyone keeps telling you how much you’ll love school. That is very true. Everyone keeps injecting you with mini boosts of confidence. But as I listen to each well-intentioned person try to drive out any fear, it’s occurred to me you might also need to hear this: It’s okay if you’re scared. Because here’s the honest truth- Mama is scared too. Of what, you’re wondering? I’m scared of being apart from us for 8 hours every day. I’m scared of you spending too many of those hours in a chair, and too few running wild and free. I’m scared of the new words you’ll hear, the new behaviors you’ll see. I’m scared of the boxes you might get put in, the labels you might be given, the pegs you’ll be expected to fit into. I’m scared you’ll change. I’m scared you’ll lose your innocence, your sweetness. I’m scared people will try to harden your edges, toughen you up. And I’m just going to say it: I’m scared to give up control. To lose any influence your dad and I might have had on you up to this point. My dear son, Mama is scared to let you go. Clearly fear is present in my heart, and it’s normal if it’s hanging out in yours too. But here’s the good news: Fear is not the only story. Right next to that clenched ball of panic in my gut is something far more powerful: Hope. Hope for the opportunities your school will give you, ones that our little family alone cannot. Hope for the wider diversity of kids you will get to meet—and befriend. Hope for the chances you’ll have to show kindness to those who need it most. Hope for the chances you’ll have to receive kindness in the moments you need it most. Hope for the new and exciting ways your brain will be challenged. Hope for the new and exciting ways your heart will be too. Right now we’re sitting in the blurry place. We can kind of see what lies ahead, but the path forward is still fuzzy. There is so much we don’t know about the coming weeks, months, and years. But there is one thing we do know, without a doubt: You are ready. You will have to do hard things—but you will quickly see that you CAN. No doubt some days you will come home beaming, so proud of what you did that day. Others you will come home crying and collapsed. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Others you will feel utterly drained and depleted. You are ready for all of it. We’ve raised you to be kind, creative and empathetic—but our intention was never for you to be all of those things in a bubble. It’s time for you to take your kindness, creativity and empathy into the bigger world. And yes, you will change. I know that. But deep down I’m happy about it. I don’t want you to remain the same—static and stuck. So as you head to kindergarten, my precious boy, I have to let you go…a little bit. But I’m also going to stay right here: walking beside you, crying with you, cheering for you. Loving you as fiercely as ever. Facing my fears so I can be here with you as you face yours. Yes, Mommy is scared. I’m scared to watch you jump because I know sometimes you’ll fall. But without the fall, you cannot rise. Without the jump, you cannot soar. It’s time to see just how high you can fly. Johnny boy- you were destined for greatness.
What would you tell your younger self if you were able to go back in time and give advice knowing what you know now?
I would say focus more on education and go to school for something you are truly passionate about instead of drowning yourself in debt and not knowing. Credit score is as important as your reputation and I wish high schools would explain that more to kids instead of us solving math problems that we will never use in real life. Travel as much as you can, learning different cultures opens your mind to new possibilities. Follow not only your heart but also your gut. All the tears shed, breakups and drama with the high school boyfriend will be worth it because he ends up being your husband. He loves you even when you make it hard, he is hard on you but it’s only to make you better. He’s kind when you need him and knows exactly how to make you feel special. You have 2 kids, 2 amazing humans that you created with the love of your life. They challenge you everyday, make you tired but most of all fulfill your life in ways you didn’t know was possible. Your parents are going though a lot health wise, they are keeping their chins up and your relationship with your mother is still a work in progress. You raise your kids believing that they can do anything they set their mind to. You want them to have a better life than you. You work hard at being a good mother, everyday. You let yourself go in a lot of ways, gained weight the way you dress but you are working on that right now. You carry a lot of guilt that at the age of 34 you don’t own a home. You know it will happen but it’s always on your mind. You allow the negative thoughts to control your life but you are dealing with it. You need to take breaks for your wellbeing, 1 hour at the thrift shop or getting a coffee and reading a book. You are never alone but you feel alone and that gets tough. You have so much good in your life. Beautiful kids, a husband that loves you who is also great dad, you are starting your little business. You need to push the dark feelings away, you can’t let the demons win. You are stronger than you think, you are kind, you stand by what you believe in. You are compassionate and thoughtful. You take pride in your work and your creativity is endless. There’s so much good in your life, you are so incredibly lucky. Turns out people that say that life is short are 100% right. But what they don’t tell you is as the time passes you mostly only remember the good times and moments so focus on that. Be in the moment, enjoy it and most importantly smile.
Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.
Back to work after being off for 12 days and all I want to do is go back home and snuggle with my 4 year old daughter. I put away all the Christmas decorations in my office and it looks sad, I watered the plant that i inherited from my friend that got fired a few months back. Once I logged into my computer it felt like I never even had the time off. The 200 unanswered emails, the lack of drive and motivation this place gives me is still here. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be different so I will answer the rest of those emails, create some posts for work. Breakout my new planner for 2022 and start writing down my weekly goals and motivations. I’ll start small, like re-organizing my closet and donating or selling things I no longer wear. Can you keep a secret? My dream would be to live in an RV or a tiny house. I know it sounds crazy with 2 kids but especially now when the world seems like such a scary place it would be amazing to just go. Go to a place that kids can run around free with no masks, I can go to sleep with not worrying about bills or anxiety about my job a place where we can truly spend time as a family. I wish to be the person that stays out in the rain when it’s raining instead of looking for cover, i used to be that girl. Somehow I lost her along the way, I miss her. The free spirit, go with the flow attitude was replaced by lists, planning and stress. I will find her again, she’s still in me. I feel her when I laugh at something my kids did, she’s with me when randomly my husband says lets go for a walk or a drive. Crafting has really been working for me to bring her back. She’s the girl that used to take the pee smelling subway into Cambridge for a watercolor class. I don’t blame my kids or my husband that I lost her, life got in the way. Mental health did a number on me and I am now working on picking up the pieces. It’s something I struggle with everyday but I need to be whole for my family. I need to enjoy moments with them, even on days when it’s hard. Anyone that struggles with mental health will understand how it’s a constant battle that you have internally. Somedays are good, others set you back. Because I am a mom, on the bad days I can’t just take a break the little humans still need me. Truth be told to keep going I need them just as much.
It’s Chef Wednesday! That means it’s my husband’s night to cook dinner. He’s currently making cornbread and even though I’m halfway across the house I can smell it and my god I’m so hungry.
