If you don’t already know how I came to Christ, you can read that journey here. I made the choice to come out at my church fellowship, and I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out. I was a gay Christian who was following the path to celibacy. But my return to my hometown brought me a new challenge to face.

OUT OF THE CLOSET - How I became visible

Moving back in with my parents wasn’t easy. We had more of the same arguments, and I felt caught between my family and my faith. Eventually, this dispute went from deep contention to deep respect. From the shadows of disputation came the dawn of honesty. What I thought was a terrible experience with my family turned out to be the very thing that would bring us closer together.

This winter, I decided to buy a ticket to the annual Gay Christian Network conference. This year it was in Denver, CO. I heard about it through a straight ally, and I’ve always wanted to know more about the organization. I was not prepared for what God had in store for me.

Aside from finally being in a space where I don’t feel out of place, and meeting online friends in real life, and feeling instantly connected with people who are from completely different cultures,…there were 3 takeaway points I got from GCN:

1. There are parts of my identity I never noticed were there.

I noticed this when I was around other Side B folks, especially the ones who were more out than me and happened to be more flamboyant than me. I noticed myself being comfortable expressing my - for a lack of a better term - “femininity.” It was shocking to me how comfortable I felt expressing this side of me. It was like flapping a pair of wings I didn’t know I had. Was I suppressing my “gay” side my whole life? What else was hiding inside of me that was afraid to see the light?

2. Side A people aren’t bad Christians. 

I’ve been told my whole Christian life that Side A people were twisting or watering down the Bible, treading dangerous waters, living a life of lies, or just straight up not Christians. This negative picture of them caused me to cling to what I thought was the only way, which is to believe that God had called all gay Christians to celibacy. I especially cling since I still sometimes believe and act like I’m a new Christian. I could finally sit down and talk to Side A Christians face-to-face and hear from their perspectives what God was revealing to them.

3. Side A and Side B are not opposites.

These two camps were polarized by my peers. I’ve been told they “can’t both be right” and that they are on opposite sides. There is actually a lot the two sides have in common. The most important one is that we both want to help our churches understand and nourish us. Rather than argue theology, we should unite in helping our churches succeed, and we can learn from one another in the process. I also got to meet a few Side A folks that used to be Side B, and what that journey was like.

I could write several blog posts of how God used GCN (now called Q Christian Fellowship or QCF) for me. But in summary, this conference made me a beautiful picture of what the kingdom of God was like, and how I could be a part of that as a gay man. You can imagine the huge contrast I noticed coming back home.

I’ve been attending a large 1000+ congregation church ever since I moved back to my hometown. And even though I had been there for 2 years, I had not met a single other LGBT person that attends it. Realizing my lack of an LGBT network, I decided to seek non-religious LGBT friends for the first time. In doing so, after being out of the closet for 5 years, I could finally accept myself as part of the LGBT community. I came out on Facebook because I realized how many churches lacked an LGBT voice. I could finally let my Christian and non-Christian friends know that gay Christians exist and we have something to say.

OUT OF THE DARK - How God became visible to me through a new lens.

I was still feeling uncomfortable about my feelings. Was I supposed to live my life having crushes on men all the time and then just do NOTHING about it? To help me make logical sense of myself, I took the bold step to download a dating app for the first time in my life. Although it was exhilarating at first, I eventually realized the downsides to online dating and reeled it back to just passively looking. There were still a lot of questions I needed answers to.

I read books by Kathy Baldock and Justin Lee, and I was listening to countless episodes of the Queerology podcast. I was having conversations with LGBT Christians online, and I found a local LGBT bible study group. I was (and always was) an information sponge.

I got to a point in which I realized how Side A Christians seemed no different from the rest. They wanted to live life in honor of Christ, they want to center their relationships around His word, they make great parents, and they even seek out premarital counseling just like a straight Christian couple would. I got to a point where I was uncomfortable believing that God’s call to celibacy applied to EVERY LGBT person. 

I started to become bitter at my lack of LGBT exposure in my adulthood. It was even more evident when I realized I had only gone to heterosexual Christian weddings for the last 8 or so years of my life. What was marriage? What defined a Christian marriage if I had never gone to a secular one? What defined marriage if I had never gone to a homosexual one? 

God answered my last question in a humorous way. I got to finally “attend” my first same-sex wedding by watching two female characters in a TV show propose and marry. I watched that episode with a queer friend of mine. “Why do you still believe what you believe, Derek?,” they asked me. “I feel like I’ve been supportive most of your life, and your parents have been supportive most of your life. So why do you still believe what you believe?” I summarized to them Side B theology and explained I was still in between B and A. It challenged me and made me do a lot of thinking.

I had the opportunity to attend my first ever affirming church - although it was only 5 people and we met in the back of a restaurant. The pastor was really wise, and they had been in the gay church for decades. I really saw a deep care for people like me. A respect for seeking God in a way that only LGBT people can seek Him. As I drove my friend home from that church, I couldn’t help but be excited. I was excited to meet more people like that and have more conversations with them. My friend looked over at me and said something that really stuck with me.

“Derek, it’s great that you want to meet all these people and talk with them. But you can’t have them decide for you what to believe. Only you can decide what you believe.”

I nodded and kept driving, but they were right. I needed to make this a personal decision.

That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I went outside to the pool area in my apartment complex and lied down on one of the orange lounge chairs. The only light that was illuminating the dark, star-less sky was a single lamp post and the blue glow from the water. I decided to call up a friend. 

I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to do, so I just prayed with them on the phone. I began praying about how God made me and how I enjoyed the Earth he put me on. I prayed how diverse he made us yet how we couldn’t live up to His perfection. And then I realized the other beautiful thing He gave me. The power of choice.

By this time, my words could no longer be comprehensible over the tears and the sounds coming from my heart. My friend finished the prayer and thanked me for letting them into this experience. They ended the call. I cried for another 19 minutes. I couldn’t move my fingers. I couldn’t get up off the lounge chair. My body was aching with whatever was transforming me at the moment. But I was extremely emotional because I realized the power of choice.

God gave me the choice to believe in Him or not to believe in Him back in my freshman year of college.

God gave me the choice to come out or not to come out when I was about to graduate.

God gave me the choice to stay at my old church or move across California to live back with my parents.

And finally, God gave me to the choice to believe in Side A or in Side B.

What was preventing me from choosing Side A? That I would lose community. That I would lose all the people who had supported me when I was choosing Side B. That some of my churches would look at me with shame if I started dating another man. That some of my friends would not attend my wedding if I decided to marry that man. 

But you know what? God’s love is greater than that. God’s love is greater than my friends’ love for me. Instead of fearing what I would lose, I could hope for what I could gain. I could gain a more beautiful and authentic life. A life in which I no longer felt like I was cursed, but a life in which I was blessed. The beauty of God’s LGBT children was extremely evident in that moment, and transcended all of the fear I had of my non-affirming friends’ judgments. So I guess you could say that’s when I became Side A.

Since then, I have remained a huge ally to the Side B community, and I have received love from every person that I came out to as Side A. I hope to follow God and explore what it means to be a gay Christian, and I hope that anyone who reads this will be inspired to learn more about people like me while living their own authentic lives. I hope to have continual conversations around this topic, and I hope to humbly learn from those who have different opinions and beliefs than me. Thank you for reading, and I hope we can all bring peace to this complex life we all live <3

There comes a time and place in social media where one has the opportunity to be extremely personal and vulnerable. There was a time and place where my testimony was between me and my Church community. There was a time it was between me and my close friends. And a time when it was just me and God. But since people have been asking how I went from Side B to Side A, I thought I could use this avenue to summarize for my friends what happened. And perhaps I can encourage a lucky stranger at the same time.
Before I go into my B-to-A testimony, I have to set the stage and summarize my coming-to-faith background.

INTO THE LIGHT - Coming to Christ

I was raised in a non-Christian family for most of my life until a relative brought my family and me to church when I was starting high school. I was struck by how warm and welcoming a community could be, so I stuck around throughout high school even though my immediate family eventually stopped going. I never came to Christ, of course, because I held a deep secret.

Every same-sex attracted person has a different story, but there is one aspect of our lives that we have in common and that’s the closet. We all know what it’s like to live in the closet, and how suffocating it is. Until I went off to college, none of my friends knew. But that was about to change. 

My Christian roommate asked me to check out fellowships with him, and we found one we liked via a sophomore I met that summer. This church fellowship was an extremely welcoming community, and I got to hear people share intentional stories about themselves for the first time. Still, I would imagine I would attend this church as a seeker, since I had only gone to church for the past 3 years as a non-believer.

A few months into college, I got to catch up with this sophomore. He shared about certain circumstances and coincidences he had noticed during the semester in our fellowship. He then shared about how he felt a calling from God to disciple me. I politely declined because I wasn’t a believer of Christ. Not prepared for that answer, he stated that he still wanted to find a way to encourage me. He had chosen some Bible verses the prior night to share with me. One of them caused my heart to stop.

“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Proverbs 24:26 (NIV)

He stated that he was trying to illustrate a discipleship relationship. I, on the other hand, was reminded of my deep secret. I liked men. I found this man before me attractive, and I didn’t know what to do or say.

“The reason I’m not a believer is because…I’m gay,” I murmured.

The compassion and grace that this sophomore demonstrated to me was extremely comforting. I shuffled back to my dorm, dumbfounded that I had shared my deep secret with someone I barely knew. I still had so many questions about Jesus. I could barely believe that what happened that day was a coincidence. And if it wasn’t coincidence, it had to be divine. I accepted Jesus into my life that week, and I had no idea what was in store during my time in college.

INTO HIS GRACE - First Steps in Faith

Walking into this new life was exciting and curious. By God’s grace, I was introduced to another closeted Christian, who helped cultivate the beginning of my relationship with Jesus. As the years went by, I slowly started coming out to close friends and family - one at a time. I dated for the first time, but it didn’t work out since he and I were both closeted. My senior year, a friend of mine who I didn’t know was closeted came out at my church. He allowed space for me to come out a month later. I captured part of my coming out process in a video project that I eventually shared at my church.

I knew coming out was going to be scary, but looking back at the video, my community gave me so much confidence to accept me as one of them. After I came out, I received so much love from a community that I loved back. To have God by my side in this process, I was growing closer to Him than ever. 

I came out again to the greater congregation, and I was honored that my church would recognize and talk about sexuality. Of course, I would still feel fatigue from having to come out every time I make a new close friend. And I still saw my church failing to be a safe space for several other closeted friends there. I thought I was going to stay there forever, but I had forgotten about my actual family. The ones who raised me before I became Christian.

I find it interesting that I have a reverse-role story than the rest of my gay Christian brothers and sisters. Here I was, a celibate Christian man, trying to explain why I was single to my gay-affirming non-Christian parents. My parents thought they were doing everything they could to love on their gay son, but I was choosing to remain single because of what I believed to be a calling from God. I can’t illustrate what that conversation was like, but tears were shed. I felt like obeying my parents was disobeying God, and obeying God was disobeying my parents. I made a choice that I felt was biggest decision of my life, and that was to leave my home church and return to the home in which I grew up. That to me felt like a calling from God, because He asks us to make a lot of tough decisions. This threw me onto another journey of self-discovery and decision-making.

(continue to part 2)

First of I-don’t-know-how-many blog posts of my experience last week in St. Louis, MO. If you’ve never heard of Revoice Conference, it’s a safe space that  supports, encourages, and empowers gay, lesbian, same-sex-attracted, and other LGBT Christians so they can flourish while observing the historic, Christian doctrine of marriage and sexuality. It’s the first time in human history that “Side B” Christians from all over the world can gather to worship, to fellowship, and to learn from one another.

This event really means a lot to me. I wish I had this 8 years ago when I was a closeted Christian! Although my experience as a gay Christian was mostly positive, I met dozens of Christians who either were closeted or rejected by their churches. Revoice was a powerful space to let us all worship in peace.

Before I go into the details of the conference, I want my readers to recognize the scope:

This map represents everyone I met at Revoice off the top of my head. Some of these places are very friendly towards LGBT and SSA people. Some are not. Most of these Christians have dedicated their lives to celibacy, in gratitude of their new lives in Christ. Yet some still are misunderstood by their Christian brothers and sisters, with whom they wish to walk along side as they strive to live for Jesus.

Oh how good it is
On this journey we share
To rejoice with the happy
And weep with those who mourn.

(lyrics from “Oh How Good”)

Those few days I was able to rejoice with those who were able to worship as they are, and I couldn’t help but weep with those who had to hide themselves from their families. (Real tears!)

It was beautiful to see how God was working through an oppressed group of people for His love to endure all obstacles. Join me as I recount some of the sweet, brave, and thought-provoking moments of Revoice.

HE HAS RISEN

You don’t need to fit into gender normality is order for God to love you. He already loves you.

God loves butch lesbians

God loves femme lesbians

Just cause u have a preference doesn’t mean God does

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭

Queer people are blessings

Me seeing a church with a rainbow flag

“None-affirming Christians often think of same sex orientation as a mere code for the word for disordered or sinful sexual desires, but that perspective overlooks a critical aspect of what it means to be gay. Sexual orientation involves much more than just sexual attraction. For both gay and straight people, it also encompasses our capacity to channel our physical attractions into a lifelong covenant with another person”

God and the Gay Christian

By Matthew Vines

Go outside today and see how beautiful God’s creation is

Love could not be wrong because God is love.

Love the person that God made you to be.

God loves diversity in His church

“For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly desire the higher gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭12:12-31‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Honestly

By @ queersforchrist via Instagram

Thank u God for finally blessing me with a gf

Ur existence is NOT a sin

God loves u.

Ur life has meaning.

Keep on going ur doing incredible

God is so proud of u.

Gays watch the devil wears Prada for fashion.

Lesbians watch it for Anne Hathaway.

Pls drink water

Eat food

Take a bath

Read a book

Love and take care of ur self today pls

You are more loved than u will ever know.

Hello friends I know I haven’t posted in a while but i have some taken some time to find myself and I have came to the conclusion that I am bisexual. I am still a very proud lgbt+ Christian and I look forward to making posts again, thank you all for your support I really appreciate it God bless ❤️❤️

“"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭