#selfworth
I’m choosing me.
I’m not choosing to gain weight. I’m choosing to be me.
because I am not …
* saying no to plans that might involve food.
* body checking after every meal to know how much self-loathing to carry with me that day.
*rigid. numb. foggy.
*stuck in my head. distant. never present. &never truly joining in.
because I am …
* sitting at a bar, alone, having margs just because //no special occasion needed to treat myself//.
* splitting an unplanned slice of cake with a best friend.
* spontaneous. clear-minded. emotional (for the good &for the bad).
* living life. experiencing the world around me. joining in &making memories with the ones I love oh so much.
imposter syndrome.
some days I feel like a bad bitch.
other days I feel like a nothing.
some days I think I can do this.
other days I think I know nothing.
some days I know my worth.
other days I know my best means nothing.
how can I go from a something to a nothing , just. like. that. ?
the thing is… I didn’t/. I did not go to bed smart,beautiful,worthy &then wake up dumb, ugly,incapable of being loved. the mind plays mean tricks on us. //a liar//. one moment ourselves, the next an imposter. &whichiswhich? am I the beautiful,capable,worthy? or is that the fake me?
while we can’t always control the thoughts in our mind, we can choose which ones we allow to become our reality. so I choose ‘bad bitch me’. I choose 'I can do this me’. I chose 'worthy me’. &tomorrow all the thoughts (including the not so good ones) may (probs) will return. &that is okay. I will again choose. I will choose the same. I will choose to be the 'something great me’.
Let me be very clear here. This is not a black or white thing. It’s far beyond race. The mentality one posses is a form of indoctrination done by culture, societal standards and even religion. Which are all man made given to every citizen. No matter the color of your skin somebody hates you or is scared of you because of the color of your skin or religion or sexuality. Yet you all practice the same way of life at the end of the day. You are selfish and in love with money and materialism but use and abuse people to get more possessions and money with a side of trauma. All this has developed arrogance and greed while using legal and illegal drugs to drown yourself in making to temporarily escape but your just making it worse . Divide and conquer at its best. It’s time to #wakeup #openyourmind #knowyourself on a more intimate level and develop a pure concept of your #selfworth #photooftheday #picoftheday #knowledgeispower #applyyourknowledge #truthbetold #colonizationcamp
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By Sasha Tozzi
my joy doesn’t have to look like yours
living a weird life in my weird body with my weird relationship with food
Breakfast of happy siracha eggs, blood orange and some blueberry yogurt
LUNCH! And breakfast, I don’t really eat breakfast on weekdays!
½ cucumber, whole yellow pepper, 3 laughing cow cheese with gluten free rice crackers, raspberries, a banana, a blood Orange, and a banana chocolate chip muffin.
HEALTH GOTH 2020.
I always want to burn everything down and start from the ground up when I feel like I’ve “failed” at something.
We aren’t going to count Health Goth as a failure, but I would like to stop ebbing and flowing between things and stick with this again, like I did in the summer.
Where I am- it’s cold. Like lots of heavy snowfall, colder than the surface of Mars cold. We have BRUTAL winters, it truly is the boreal wastelands, the frigid tundra.
It makes your moods do backflips. The highs of good days can feel so good and the lows of bad days can feel so so bad. The lows last longer too. They linger, like the cold does in the depths of your spine.
All that being said, I am ready to get back on track, ready to feel better again, ready to reclaim Health Goth.
So for everyone who stuck around, forgetting they were following this blog- Hi! I’m back. And for anyone who is just joining my journey- Welcome.
Let’s feel better, together.
⚔️
eggy sandwich with Valentina and an orange! with a side of yogurt, bran, and granola!
a great 1pm breakfast for this thicccccccc goth.
tomorrow I get to tattoo pig skin, which is a HUGE step in my tattoo career!
For anyone who doesn’t know I am a tattoo apprentice and professional body piercer
Tomorrow is going to be a good day, right ?
I’m back!
It’s been a few weeks, and I’ve fallen off the wagon (again, big surprise!) but here I am, worming my way back to feeling less like shit- or at least that’s the goal.
I have been eating pretty well. It hasn’t been all fried chicken and fast food - there has been a lot of bubble tea though. That’s my weakness right now, bubble tea .
I’ve been packing lunches that have been healthy, lots of veggies and hummus, but now I’m going to put my attention back into this blog.
Today I’m boiling a chicken carcass to make chicken soup for the week. I have a vegetable mix that I’m going to add, if I remember I will take more progress photos.
happy halloween week all my beautiful little pumpkins. I had this pierrot bodysuit/bunnysuit custom made for the occasion!
I treasure Halloween and take it very seriously, however this was the first year I had a costume custom designed and tailor made for my body- and I have to say I’ve truly never felt better.
Last year i created a pumpkin poncho that covered everything but my legs, this year I wore a skin tight, curve hugging garment. Talk about a Halloween glow up !
Work lunch of cucumbers, strawberries, rice crackers, banana, cheese, olives, and leftover farmer sausage.
Featuring my critters hopping around as I try to take my photos they were too cute to crop out!
I’ve been physically ill for the past week but I feel like I may be starting to feel a bit better, slowly but surely. Today I am apprenticing so hopefully everything goes well!
yogurt with granola and bran and a leftover turkey sandwich.
my life has been weirdly chaotic, my BPD has been a rollercoaster.
I’m sorry for being absent
I did end up ordering myself some lunch yesterday- Vietnamese vermicelli bowl with BBQ pork. I did really enjoy this, I didn’t feel ill after eating it and the sauce was enjoyable. The only heavy part of this meal was the meat.
I wish they had a vegetarian or at least a tofu option. I am not a vegetarian, however meatless meals are a preference of mine 90% of the time. I find meals without meat are much more gentle on my guts and digestion!
All Goth no Health
I didn’t get the opportunity to grocery shop this week so this is what my meal looks like- everything I had hanging around the house that was on the go edible.
Yogurt and bran, cinnamon toast crunch and oat milk, and a Reese’s bat.
Today is going to have quite a bit of sugar, I think I’ll likely order something else to have today, perhaps a smoothie or salad!
small flatbread wraps with lettuce, cheese and turkey pastrami for lunch with some peppers, Turkish apricots, yogurt and granola.
Today’s lunch was a good one but reminded me how much I really don’t love wraps or sandwiches unless they’re Donair
I got this yogurt in the states this weekend, I’m not used to weird American food flavours but I enjoyed this one!
I’ve been awake since 4am and tossing and turning all night before that…
Sleep and I have always had a hard time getting along. I adore sleep. The vivid dreams, the horrid nightmares, I love it all. For me however, it’s always been a delicate balance of medication, temperature, pillows, proper positioning, lights (I wear a sleep mask) and sounds (I have a fish tank in my room which has a filter running at all times).
It’s always been hard for me to get up in the mornings. I greatly dislike getting up before I’m ready to wake up naturally, and I love sleeping for as long as possible, which used to be a problem but isn’t as much of one anymore. I feel like sometimes I’m addicted to sleep, always chasing that perfect, restful night, which comes so so rarely…
