I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and music and everything beautiful. - Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out
Every heart sings a song, incomplete until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of the lover everyone becomes a poet. —Plato
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. -Charles W. Eliot
I think I’ll always be a romantic, you know? Someone could completely rip out my heart and walk away and I’d still be willing to believe in love again. They say hope breeds eternal misery, but really without hope, what else have we got? — Kristie Betts
caffeine overdose at midnight, wake for work eight hours later. black coffee killing, switch to caffeine in a can to die a little faster; six hundred milligrams in an hour six hundred more two hours before- maybe ive got a death wish or maybe im an addict again:
just like that my mind is back in a hospital bed with a cocktail of chaos and pills in my stomach and my bestfriends next door with a cocaine overdose and just like that im sober for a month and just like that im overdosing again and just like that im too drunk to walk and just like that im screaming at the stars and cursing god and just like that-
just like that, ive got my six month chip from narcotics anonymous but theres no anonymity amongst these narcotics i still hide in my room tucked as bookmarks in novels ive never read, too busy trying to fulfill a main character god as a victim complex and living through death each morning, bottles in a backpack and xanax back on my tongue.
flash forward three years, living clean and serene and a bit insane trying to keep safe in a city of cocaine and heroine and liquor shops everywhere you look, addicted to caffeine and nicotine but at least I know I’ll survive these overdoses and withdrawals.
My little brother, who will not be named for privacy reasons, is trans too. He’s entering ninth grade at a catholic school where he still has to wear the female uniform- he’s not out yet, to anyone but me and my siblings.
My oldest sister calls herself a demigirl. She’s panromantic and demisexual. She’s out to everyone, technically, but she never bothers to correct or remind someone if they forget.
My sister, the one just two years beneath me, is genderfluid and bisexual. She flirts shamelessly with her best friend- and with mine, for that matter. She hangs my old bi pride flag from before i knew i was gay so confidently.
My last sister, older than me but not the oldest, is cisgender and heterosexual. She’s in a relationship with a man who is also cisgender and heterosexual.
My father always wanted sons, but… maybe not like this. I believe that whatever deity prepared my brother and I for this lifetime knew that he would raise us into a life of toxic masculinity if we we’re born the way we identify: they saved us from that curse with another.
When you think about the gay community and especially gay men, your first thought often isn’t the issues around hookup culture or the rampant pedophilia, but the longer you’re a queer man in the community the more you see it. Grindr allows men the age of my grandfather to pursue boys who have only just turned eighteen, queer boys who haven’t even experienced a healthy relationship with another man. Men with smaller bodies who look younger being told their body type looks better hairless in attempts to make them look even younger. Being a queer person comes with so much fear from outside of the community that we often forget the dangers we still need to protect ourself and others from.
when i was eighteen i stood in the streets of a small town in guatemala, arms outstretched to embrace the torrential downpour that both ended a drought and flooded the fields; i found comfort in the way the fabrics draped over my body clung to my frame as every stitch became waterlogged. i laughed at the feeble attempts of the sun to ring out the clouds and cease the steady drips. i reveled in the cold weight holding my body down to earth whilst i allowed my mind to wander amongst the clouds, and i felt free.
see, in the twenty years, four months, and sixteen days that i have lived upon this earth, i have felt the wire bars of cages seeming to close in on me, believing i was chained to the floors of seemingly permanent prison, and i have felt the drip of melted wax and glue as the sun freed the feathers from my shoulders as i tried to fly- i suppose icarus was not lesson enough for i. my own hands have built my prisons and my own mind has declared me the loser in a war against myself but i have fought to find ground safe enough to grow my roots and reach out to the skies again and i have found home in the fit of my own ribcage and i hide no skeletons in my closet, and i feel i can rest.
- this was never meant to carry the energy of spoken word or sloppy poetry; allow me to return to my initial train of thought.
in the minutes it has taken me to write of freedom and home, my mood has dropped significantly- a common occurrence, these mood swings of mine. perhaps by the end of of this section, ill find myself in a high again!
perhaps these words of nothing more than the musings of a meandering mind, but i feel the need to expel them from my head and into yours; you see, i am running out of space in this mind of mine. perhaps ill tell you the stories it holds one day, if you gain my trust. there’s a rather large moth contained in these same walls as i but i fear he may soon leave me to my own devices- each flit of flight brings him nearer to the opened window. i ought to help him, shouldn’t i? but i do dread being alone so desperately. mayhaps he’ll linger until the lights go out.
i oft find myself pondering moths- their flight causes such a buzz and one might imagine them quite strong due to the noise, but just a touch to their wings can leave them grounded. how sad to be so easily broken- though us humans are no stronger. it’s nearly five in the morning as i type these final words and it seems my drink has found itself empty, so i will take my leave and hope to dream tonight.
Sorry that I was not more active lately. I am in the beginning exam season and I am STRESSED. I will try and post more regularily, but I cannot promisse. ~ Pauline
24.06.2021 ✨ Did you decide to drop out of university or changing your course?
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Why do I talk about it. It’s important to normalize things like dropping out or quitting something you just hate.
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We often get tough we have to finish something or stay in a job because it’s normal and we have to. But to be honest no we don’t. You can decide which way you go.
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I used to a paralegal back in the day. And I quit my job after 2 ½. I should have done it after one week but I stayed because I was scared I won’t find another job or I will be labeled as the person who quit everything and can’t keep a job. It took me a long time to do so and in the end it effected my mental health because I felt like I was in a unhealthy relationship.
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Don’t listen to anyone. Don’t stay or keep going if you are unhappy and you already know it’s making you unhappy. It’s ok to leave. It’s ok to make changes and don’t wait, start now.
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(Please don’t just give notice, if you have to pay bills, search a new job at first before you resign)
23.06.2021 ✨ Do you have any exams or finals coming up?
Studying for exams or finals are a stressful time and some of us are currently right in the middle.
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Here are some of my tips you should keep in mind:
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don’t start a new study routine or study method right before your exams. I know we all feel like we are not doing enough or it’s the wrong way we are studying but by changing everything can make it even worse. Please, stick to your routine.
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stay organized. And easy access to all your study materials will make you feel confident and prepared. And during this time a little boost of confidence is what we all need.
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I cannot repeat if often enough: take breaks! Studying can be long, tedious and overwhelming. And taking breaks are crucial while studying! Don’t skimp on your breaks.
