You said you wanted all of me

So here I am

Darkness

Melancholy

Rage

Why are you walking away?

༄

I remember a time when

I thought he would change

When I thought that my love

Would take his anger away

What a dangerous choice

I was willing to make

To sacrifice myself for a man

Who could never be saved

༄

The day will still come

No matter how hard you close your eyes

The night will kiss the day goodbye

Painting colors in the sky

Welcome the darkness

Embrace the light

Don’t fight against the up’s and down’s of life

༄

If forever is a place

I hope I go there with you

But I know that heaven will sigh

When you arrive with tears in your eyes

Wishing you could face the fire

Just to bring me too

༄

The truth is

I am ordinary

This realization is equally painful

As it is liberating

༄

“You are a lady on fire and I’d be a liar if I didn’t say you are who I desire, I’m here catching fire in the echo of your smile.. if I’m not careful I’ll burn up in your lovely atmosphere like a falling star. All the stars falling from the darkest parts of my heart like magic on the lips of innocence.. I pluck a few from the floor, oh, how about a few more.. I gently place a constellation in your soul so that I can always find you when it is dark, the delightful fire that you are. Burning just for me, burning with me..”

Come with me into the night and let’s see what trouble we can find - eUë

I am toxic to myself. I have this overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, and needed. For someone to really see me and just want me. To be the first and only choice, not an option.

As much as I put on the show of the tough strong independent girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I am glass, it appears tough but one wrong move and I break easily the littlest things put cracks everywhere that can’t be fixed until I just shatter.

You scare me. You’re nice to me and I’ve never had anyone genuinely care and just be nice. The little things you do scare me to death but it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of. I only see myself getting hurt but I don’t want to stop, I want to let you break me. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could or would ever let anyone make me feel again. You tore down my defenses without me realizing it and I’m scrambling to rebuild them. You completely terrify me in a way that is addictive. You make me feel so comfortable in a way I never thought I could. I’m trying not to stumble and fall. Everything you do I find so intoxicating but one mistake may have killed everything before it even started. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I can’t get you out of it either. I don’t know what to do.

It was easier when we were friends, I knew where I stood, it was safe. Then you had to go and push my boundaries and give me a taste of what I’d wanted since I saw you. Then I caught myself falling slowly confused and unsure. It hit me then out of nowhere I liked you, then everyday it just got better and better. I was so hopeful and as soon as I said it out loud it all came crashing down. Now I’m hurt when I shouldn’t be, jealous when I have no right, confused because I thought I was good enough, angry because I let my guard down. We talked everything made more sense, I saw you on my birthday I didn’t know how to act. I put on my smile and best chill vibe and tried to be normal. I knew better than to cross the line I did, but I wanted it. I saw all the good and fell for it and now I’m back to square one as always. It’s hard not to take it personally when the same things keep happening.

Part of me wants to yell, scream, cry and just lay it all out there, but your not him. We aren’t anything, never were. We don’t have years of history, we don’t have anything to even give me the right to do that. All I can do is write it out on here to try and relieve some of the stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.

Late night thoughts 3/14/22 02:19

f4iryl1ght5:

i love you 3(000)

let me say
three words, then
i’ll leave you

these three words
might cause earth
to crumble down

these three words
might create more
damage than repairing

these three words
contain my very
essence and being

these three words
hold the weight
of three thousand

are you ready?
okay? okay… okay.
i love you

Maybe they’re not books, but at an airport I found this machine that dispenses short fiction and poetry when you hit a button. I love this idea a lot! It sounds like the sort of thing you’d read about in one of those optimistic sci-fi stories from the ‘50s. I think we’ve peaked as a society when it comes to airport reading material.

this world is full of poets.

but she;

she herself ispoetry.

- Archana Bhandari

Coeur Silence Radio

et de son absence

qui se remplissait si bien

la pièce de vide, mon coeur de rien,

que lorsque de nouvelles choses apparurent

je n'eu plus de place pour les disposer.

ce vide occupait une place, il est vrai

pour qu'un jour peut être, réapparaisse

tout ce qui m'avait manqué jusqu'ici.

jour après jour, qui se ternit…

lors de mes songes , il m'arrive de penser

Oh mais est-t-il vrai

que lors de ces baisers

j'eus l'envie irréfutable

d'être là de façon immanquable ?

de le chérir et l'aimer

autant de toute mon âme

et d'enlever les souvenirs infâmes

de le soutenir éperdument

pour qu'enfin aucun tourment

ne hante notre amour si intense

qui il est vrai autrefois

était de sa beauté rare

un rêve éveillé pour moi

- menthaleau

Love

If not to hold yours

What are hands for?

If not to look into yours

What are eyes for?

If not to kiss yours

What are mouths for?

If not to feel for yours

What are hearts for?

- nail-in-the-wall (16.5.2022)

• The life and death of a match

I gave you the match

To build yourself a fire

You lit me up with the flame

Rubbed two dry sticks in the rain

Magnified paper in the sunlight

Put coal on a lit fireplace

Hit wires in the right way

And burned me to ash and grey

I never saw it coming

The light-hearted jokes

The candlelit dinners

The bonfire nights outside

The campfires in wintertime

The warmth in your house

The keys in the ignition

For a moments we felt so inflamed

That we set wildfires in each other

That couldn’t be smothered away

It didn’t set me ablaze enough to know

That fires destroy as well as create

And sometimes they die out

Because they were extinguished

Not because they naturally died away

You enlighten me to the change

By dousing my flame away

- by nail-in-the-wall (6.1.22)

Shall I read to you?

I’ll make you a trade, your beauty for stone, your sea-beloved tresses for venom-filled snakes, your innocent doe eyes for frigid gaze.

The sea is in the habit of ravishing what does not belong to him, taking without consideration.

But, sweet girl, I promise you, I will not allow this to be your ruin. You are sacred, one of my own.

And no cruel chaos will devour you again, choose terror over maiden, relinquish your human.

And I will turn you into a Goddess in your own right, a deity of monsters, a myth that will scare men for all the years and their seasons.

-AthenatoMedusa, Nikita Gill

a personal mood board of memories

pls do not repost or use my pictures ➿

my Instagram @ beloved.apollo

ABook of Poems & Other Desires by Keagan J. Larson

Stephen Crane, In the Desert

Mary Oliver, Don’t Hesitate

Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?

Edna St. Vincent Millay, Passer Mortuus Est

Wystan Hugh Auden

Rainer Maria Rilke - I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone

Raymond Carver, Late Fragment

Sylvia Plath, Two Campers in Cloud Country

Michael Ende, The Neverending Story

Jordan Bolton @jordanboltondesign (instagram), It’s a Beautiful Day

It is easy to overlook this thought that life just is. As humans we are inclined to feel that life must have a point. We have plans and aspirations and desires. We want to take constant advantage of all the intoxicating existence we’ve been endowed with. But what’s life to a lichen? Yet its impulse to exist, to be, is every bit as strong as ours—arguably even stronger. If I were told that I had to spend decades being a furry growth on a rock in the woods, I believe I would lose the will to go on. Lichens don’t. Like virtually all living things, they will suffer any hardship, endure any insult, for a moment’s additional existence. Life, in short, just wants to be.

Bill Bryson, A Short History of Nearly Everything

Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club

Fannie Flagg, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe

“Only priests and politicians benefit from a people’s ignorance.”

Ki Longfellow, The Secret Magdalene

José Saramago, Blindness