anyways somebody should write a check please fic set during an olympic year with the understanding that nhl players aren’t currently able to play in the olympics, and have the entire story be told from a disgruntled sports reporter’s point of view and have it be about how a number of high profile nhl players like jack zimmermann and the majority of the falconers and probably kent parson too have all mysteriously fell ill/ have other important commitments that are keeping them from making it to games/practice, while they’re really just at the olympics with fake names and terrible disguises (like… jack’s disguise is a pair of glasses. tater’s is a fake mustache that keeps falling off. kent’s is a shirt that says ‘i’m definitely not kent parson’) but the reporter is literally the only one who sees through the terrible disguises and you know what? i just decided right now that bitty and jack don’t know each other in this fic, and that bitty is the reporter and this is how they meet and fall in love
Im blaming the sheer lack of quality entirely on the fact that it’s 6 am and I haven’t slept in over 24 hours, but this was too funny. Also kind of based on that SNL skit with Chance the Rapper.
“And lets take it back down to Eric, live on the ice. Eric?”
Bitty looks away from the ice at the sound of his cue. He stares wide-eyed into the camera.
“Uh, thanks Jim! As you can see there seems to be…some confusion as to which team…uh…Albert Mapslog belongs to.” A shout of surprise comes from the huddle of Olympic athletes leaving the ice for a break.
“Made worse by the fact that Mash—uh, I mean. Mapslog’s mustache has apparently just fallen off.”
“Hair loss waits for no athlete, am I right Joe?” Joe and Jim laugh like your uncles at a barbecue.
“Haha, well I mean it definitely appears to be a mustache made of craft felt. So. There’s a lot going on there.”
“Eric why don’t you take us over to team Canada and see if their captain has anything to say.”
Bitty grabs onto the captain’s shoulder and turns to look at Jack Zimmermann whomst he knows from reporting in Providence. He’s a damn sports journalist not a fair-weather fan. The fact that Jack Zimmermann is wearing a ridiculously chic pair of glasses kind of makes Bitty hate him.
“I’m here with—“
“Jared Zuckerburg.”
Bitty is screaming from the void, but pulls it together just enough to say, “Yes. Jared. Zuckerburg. Please, do you have any insight on how Canada will shore up its defenses in the next period?”
“Well, we’ve got a great group of guys. None of whom are affiliated with the NHL at all. We’re just gonna go out and play some good, solid, non-NHL hockey. Of course it’s hard to play in glasses, but I’m happy to manage the glare for the sake of my very amateur Canadian teammates.”
Jared seems proud of that answer and Bitty is frankly ready to forget all of 2018 already.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Zimmerburg.”
Jared, to his discredit, does not even bother to correct him. He puts a large, gloved hand on Bitty’s shoulder, almost in mirror. It’s a silent acknowledgment. A gentle head nod. Thanks for playing along.
And suddenly Bitty is more than happy to participate in Jack’s unnecessarily attractive schemes so long as he looks at him like that.
“Anything to add, Eric?”
“I wish I had the words to describe what is going here, Jim. I wish I did.”
pssst Jared Zuckerberg doesn’t have to hide if he happens to invite a cute reporter to dates all over the olympic village.
that Jane is living with Maura and Mom since some vindictive scrote firebombed her shitty apartment, and it’s taking months to resolve because insurance (derogatory). A morning routine develops where Jane hugs mom and pecks Maura on the cheek as she rushes off to Cop Central. It’s done as a cutesy thing and she does not think anything of it, she is just acting out the stereotype “guy running to work” from a million bad sitcoms. All three are on different schedules so her leaving first is not an uncommon thing. Mauraloves it, because she loves any skinship since she was basically raised by aliens. Mom likes it, because finally she gets semi-regular hugs. Jane likes it because a two-second hug gets her out of a day full of bitching from her mother and because More-a. All is well.
But if you could string the cheek kisses together like a Muybridge photo montage, the pecks are slowly moving lipward. Until one morning she is giving Maura a peck right on the mouth and something goes BONG in her head. She drops everything in a pile on the floor, grabs Mauras head with both hands and goes in for a Real Kiss complete with a probe for fillings and they actually end up losing their balance and toppling into the coat rack because other things take their concentration.
What if we started actively disincentivizing landlords letting real estate stay empty rather than renting at reasonable prices? Like, give them a maximum of three months to get a new tenant in, and then they start accumulating fines for the unused space.
And some similar system to disincentivize the ridiculous airbnb market as well. Make it unprofitable to have homes sitting empty in a city where people with jobs find themselves living in tents. Hell, make it unprofitable to have homes sitting empty anywhere that has a homelessness problem.
The fine? The full rent amount they’re asking for. You think $1700/month for a studio apartment is reasonable? Well, until you get someone into that apartment, you’re going to be fined that same sum every month.
For Airbnb, a lower cost, but still based on how many nights/month the space is unused, and the fine will be based on the asking price per night.
Whilst I’m at it actually in Revolutionary Girl Utena food is so important…
Chu-Chu eating everyone else’s meals before they have chance, Anthy being awful at cooking either because of a lack of talent or as a small act of rebellion, Wakaba lovingly preparing Utena’s meals despite not getting any thanks for it, Nanami trying to sabotage Anthy’s curry, Touga scornfully mocking Anthy for cooking because it’s not part of her role, Anthy and Utena admitting to poisoning each other etc etc etc.
No one in Utena ever has a fulfilling meal because within Ohtori Academy a healthy relationship is impossible. You can either starve or be poisoned.
ALT
