#i love my players
My gnome after my crush had taken a tragic fate of being dragged by a gay merman.
-giant barbarian to the /vampire/ bard
So… I was playing a one-shot with my friends and we were trying to kill this gorgon with increased hit points. I’m playing a wood elf ranger, and we have a gnome bard and a half orc rogue. Everyone is getting *garbage* rolls including the DM. Nothing but 3’s and 7’s. At this point we’re trying anything, and my friend who’s playing the half-orc rogue made the terrible mistake of asking us what we thought she should do.
Rogue: Guys, what should I do?
A small moment of silence.
Me: Go for double penetration up its ass with your daggers.
Rogue (laughing): Ummm… ok?
Bard (losing his shit): If you get a nat 20…
Rogue gets a nat 20. She then proceeds to rip its asshole apart. She was using 2 daggers and was getting sneak damage, so she rolled 2d6+2d4. She rolled 2 sixes, a two and a four, and then doubled it because of the nat 20. She dealt 36 damage and brought it down to 4 hit points. We go through another round of everyone missing their attacks, but then the rogue rolled an 18, which was enough to hit.
DM: So, how do you want to kill this thing?
The rogue then made a big mistake.
Rogue: Any ideas?
Me: climb inside it and kill it from the inside.
She did exactly that.
Dm: I’m not describing that… it’s dead… everyone roll a constitution saving throw to see if you throw up.
We all failed.
And that was how we saved the village.
- Druid upon seeing a singing woman in the woods at night.
Context: So our party had just freed a few salves from a mine, and one of the slaves happened to be a witch. She decided to give us some gifts as a thank you. The gifts consisted of magical items, some of which were pretty cool. Then, it was our half-elf Druid’s turn to receive her gift…
Witch: And for this brave half-elf….*pulls out a tiny bird shaped bell* The bird keeper’s bell!
Half-Elf: Ummm…thanks? *awkwardly receives it*
Half-orc: Ha! But that’s so plain compared to the other gifts!
Witch: On the contrary! With this bell, she will be able to summon a bird friend to aid her in battle.
Party: Huh?
Witch: And not any bird either. Using this bell, Aethel now has control over a giant dodo.
Party: A DODO?!
Aethel: *GASP* gUYS. IMMA NAME IT DODO BAGGINS.
Party and DM: ROTFL
My bard cousin used Vicious Mockery on a wooden door in her last game.
She then tried to seduce it but thankfully the DM stopped her.
“Howard, you were not distracted by the ruby, so you are the first to react to this horrendous little gerblin attacking this kleptomaniac dragging you by a rope”
-DM
- Rogue to the DM
- Blood Hunter to an acorn
