#incorrect bungou stray dogs

Albatross:Chuuya, what would you rather be: a lion or a panda?

Chuuya:I’mme. Why would Iwant to be anything else?

Lippmann:I’m not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.

[In a bar, someone tells Chuuya to quiet down]

Chuuya:You listen to me, you bitch.

Dazai:Get him, banshee.

Chuuya:I will speak at whatever volume I choose, and if you don’t like it, you can suck my BIG FAT DICK!

Dazai, about Chuuya: I told my partner he looks like an angel and now he’s twisting the fabric of reality by his own holy presence and sheer cosmic power. Please help.

Dazai:There’s also way more eyes than I am comfortable with.

Chuuya:I made the right choice, not having a family. I should’ve had a dog though.

Akutagawa:Well, you could’ve had dogs.

Chuuya:No, not with Dazai. He never saw anything he loved that he didn’t want to kick it just to see if it would still come back.

Albatross, texting: i’m leaving rn

Chuuya, texting back: Kys

Albatross:what????

Chuuya:Keep yourself safe

Chuuya:Are you just gonna stand there? Do something!

Dazai:What the hell do you want me to do?

Chuuya:I want you to have some balls and act like you care about me!

Dazai: Slug, you need to stop being such a bitch!

Chuuya:Call me a bitch again. Do it. Call me a bitch again.

Dazai:… You are… acting… like a… bad partner.

Chuuya:That’s what I thought.

15!Chuuya:The bonus about being on a team with me is that people can’t read me, because I can’t read myself. I’m a loose canon.

15!Dazai:You’re illiterate!

Chuuya: You did stop loving me, to leave without saying anything.

Dazai:Don’t all partnerships have challenges?

Chuuya:It’s not love what you did.

Dazai:No, it’s cowardice. You know, I never knew the difference between cowardice and courage until you.

Chuuya: Are you trying to flatter me?

Dazai:Don’t kill me.

Chuuya:You were this close to having it all. I don’t think you’ll respect me if I don’t kill you. You won’t love me if I don’t kill you.

Dazai:Can I beg to differ?

Chuuya:No.

Dazai: I don’t want to kill you.

Chuuya:You already did. It’s my turn.

Chuuya: Hypothetically. A man who has loathed you, tried to kill you, has hurt you and seen you imprisoned… walks into a room… and tells you he loves you. What do you do?

Dazai: First… try and start breathing again.

Chuuya: And then?

[they rush at each other and kiss]

Chuuya: Sometimes I think you’re the only person who really knows me. You look at me and I can tell you sense all of me. 

Dazai: Your greatness, your strangeness, your fucked-upedness, your lies. 

Chuuya: My lies? 

Dazai: You do love me.

Chuuya: I intended to be all calm and high-handedly bitchy with you, Mackerel. But I am, unfortunately, not that person.

[Chuuya punches Dazai hard in the stomach]

Kunikida, texting Dazai: Are you alive or are u the body they found on trail by Slum Cerk an Sunbury Rd

Beast!Dazai:My dear, I woke up one morning and found myself boss of the Port Mafia. God knows, there were other things I loved in life more than power.

Beast!Chuuya:Then you should have said no.

Ranpo:Maybe Mr Fancy Hat’s dead.

Dazai:No way that’s true. As Chuuya says when he sees deodorant, “I’m not buying it.”

Kunikida:Dazai, he might actually be dead.

Dazai: Oh, Kunikida. Zombies can’t die. This is some sort of scam. If he were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Atsushi:Why would a mafia executive fake his own death?

Dazai:The same reason he visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.

Kunikida:You must be Nakahara Chuuya. I’ve heard a lot about you.

Chuuya: Oh. All bad, I hope.

Kunikida:Yes.

Dazai: And all true!

Dazai: How best to describe Chuuya? I would say he’s blessedly unburdened with the complications of a university education, but give him an ax and he’s second to none. Though you wouldn’t want him as your barrister. Don’t let him fucking see this.

Chuuya: If Dazai and I were to ever have had a child, I’d like to imagine it would look like him (points to taxidermy baby armadillo). Small and hard.

Dazai:you should be able to call in weird for work. like no i’m not coming in, you don’t want me there when i’m goofing

Teen!Dazai, to Teen!Chuuya: You know, you’re good at being my partner. And I thought it was because you understood me. But it’s because you’re just like me. You’re as selfish and cruel as I am.

Chuuya:Listen, I’m a beautiful man with a shrill, demanding voice. I’m pretty hard to ignore.

Dazai:I started putting battery acid on the back of the cross necklace Chuuya has, to burn through his skin.

Oda:Why?

Dazai: Oh, to subtly send the message that he might be a demon.

Atsushi:It’s for him… because I never won’t love him. Never.

Dazai:Ditto, bitch. Different “him”. Same sort of idea.

Dazai:If you could choose your partner all over, would you choose me again?

Chuuya:Yeah, I didn’t choose you the first time, but I guess that’s just how the story goes, huh, Mackerel?

Chuuya:Remind me to get off the internet.

Higuchi:Too late. Don’t worry. Your nudes are tasteful.

Chuuya:They’re not meant to be.

Dazai, to Chuuya: In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

Dazai, to Chuuya: I liked you the way you were. I liked your walls. I liked being the one to bring them down.

Atsushi:Wait, so you’re actually dating Chuuya?

Dazai:Yeah. We’ve been together for the last month.

Yosano:And that’s going… well?

Dazai:Yup. It’s great.

Kunikida:So he knew you and was like more?

Kunikida:Since Dazai has been here, his biggest improvements to the agency include renaming the Wi-Fi network “Bad Bitches Only”.

Oda:In healthy relationships you have to make yourself vulnerable too. Allow someone else to have that sort of power over you.

Dazai:Well, the Slug does.

Oda:Does he?

Dazai:Yes, he’s ruined everything.

Oda:So why don’t you move on then?

Dazai:Because that would ruin everything.

Oda:So what do you want from him?

Dazai:I want to smell his skin. I want to hear the boring stuff he does everyday that he wouldn’t bother telling anyone else about because it’s really that boring. But to me, it would be fascinating because… it’s Chuuya. Because in our bones we understand each other.

Oda:Chuuya’s not beige then?

Dazai:He’s a rainbow in beige boots.

Dazai:And like with Chuuya, right? Like… when I first met him, I was just… immediately in love.

Atsushi: In love?

Dazai:Yeah. When you say it out loud it kind of sounds small.

Atsushi:What’s a bigger feeling than love?

Dazai:Loss.

Tachihara:Tequila makes me aggressive.

Higuchi:Tequila makes me wanna dance.

Chuuya:I, uh, I once took, like, ten Vicodin, and drank an entire thing of tequila, and then, I, like, blacked out for three days. But while I was blacked out, I, like, still went to work and did assignments and shit. It was really weird.

Higuchi:… Well, let’s not do that tonight.

Chuuya:A summer party really matches my easy breezy vibe.

Dazai:Easy breezy vibe? I thought you had more of a dead of winter, girl with the dragon tattoo, Sarsgaard Murderhouse vibe.

Chuuya, looking at Atsushi and Akutagawa: You know what’s kind of depressing?

Gin:What?

Chuuya: I’ll never find that kind of love.

Gin: What do you mean?

Chuuya:There’s just no darkness. It’s just sweet.

Gin:Yeah.

Chuuya: I don’t know if that would ever be enough for me.

Chuuya:not me having my first past life regression and finding out i was a literal god of destruction like LMAO it makes so much sense

Dazai:You are schizophrenic

Chuuya:Could you do what you did? Of course you could. But I never thought you would, or could, do that to me.

Dazai:I’m really sorry, Slug…but you thought wrong.

Chuuya: You and I have unfinished business.

Dazai:Baby… you ain’t kiddin’