https://archiveofourown.org/works/34244524

Twisted Every Way - sousatayue - ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure [Archive of Our Own]

Next Whumptober 2021 fic, featuring Trish Una

Fic Summary: During an increasingly tense rehearsal for the school production of The Phantom of the Opera, Trish learns the hard way what could happen if one says “Macbeth” onstage in a performance or rehearsal that is not the eponymous play in question.

Yiddish insults are renowned for being colorful, witty, and biting, but not grievously mean. This may be because the Eastern European Jews who spoke Yiddish often lived in crowded conditions, and it was not the best idea to seriously insult a next door neighbor you saw fifteen times a day. Nonetheless, the language lets speakers say exactly what is on their mind, and nowhere is this more true than in its insults: 

• May you run to the toilet every three minutes or every three months. 
  (Zolst azoy farfoylt vern az tsign, tchoyrn, un chazirim zoln zid opzogn tsu forn mit dir in eyn fur)

• May you turn into a pancake and he into a cat. He should eat you and choke on you - that way we will be rid of both of you. 
  (Vern zol fun dir a blintshik in fun is a kats. Er sol dir oyfesn un mit dir zin dervargn - volt men fun ayn beyd ptur gevorn)

• May your soul enter a cat and may a dog bite it. 
  (Dyn eshome zol arayngeyn in a kats, un a hoont zol er a bis tun)

• May you be invited to a feast by the governor and may you belch in his face.
  (Me zol din aynladn tsum gubernator oft a seydeh in du zolst im gebn a grepts in ponem arayn)

• May a soft balcony fall on your head. 
  (A vecher balkon dir in kop)

• May a red beet grow out  of your belly button, and may you pee borsht.
  (Zoln dir a vaksn burekes fun pupik, in zolts pishn mit borsht)
  
  Taken from “If Your Can’t Say Anything Nice, Say It In Yiddish” by Lita Epstein

my favorite threats/insults

• I will equant you with my favorite pair of rusty scissors
• You look the way cheese smells
• You’re not even worthy of being the skin rug that I would use to wipe off my Doc Martins
• You’re not even worthy of even being turned into dog food
• I will pistol whip your grandpa
• I will churn your spinal fluid to butter
• I will turn your teeth into wind chimes
• I will fold you like a fucking lawn chair
• You smell like Reddit
• You look like the type of person to wipe with a sock when you run out of toilet paper
• Your nipples are the size of dinner plates
• If this guy has a threesome I hope his girl moans louder when the other guy is fucking her
• You pre-sucked candy Cain from last Christmas
• You look like the type of person to knock on an elevator door and expect someone to open it
• I don’t listen to people who look like their taste in music would be played at a department store
• You look like someone who would cheat on their s/o
• You look like a twice divorced mom with a liberal arts degree who’s trying to get their oldest child to call them once a month
• I wish I could go to your funeral knowing that I could have changed that outcome
• I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you
• Your neck is so long that if you drank milk it would expire before it hit your stomach
• I’m sure you smell like hotdog water
• You’re about as attractive as a sea sick dog
• You look like you eat kitty litter
• Sorry I don’t talk to people with eczema, see you later alligator
• Please tell me you and your s/o use condoms
• God I wish your parents used a condom
• You’re as useful as a Walmart greeter
• Were your parents siblings or just cousins?
• Im heading up to the store to buy you some critical thinking skills
• Please put your Dick down the sink and turn on the garbage disposal
• You’re the outlier pulling down the Average IQ statistics
• You’re contributing to the reasons as to why God has left us
• You look like you eat mayonnaise straight out of the jar
• I will cunt punt you to the moon
• Please tell me you don’t plan on having kids
• I will cough in your mouth
• I hope you find your parents on the front page of PornHub and so you can’t look them in the eyes, and you can’t tell them why you’re uncomfortable being around them
• I hope your only OnlyFans subscriber is your uncle
• Douche-canoe
• You have the personality of the color beige
• If you were a spice you’d be flour
• I hope whatever you’re going through sucks
• You have an IQ of room temperature
• Okay caterpillar fingers
• I don’t even want to call whatever sad sack of flesh you are a human being
• I hope you never find true happiness out of whatever you choose for your future career
• I pray for your downfall
• I hope Mother Nature gets her way with you
• I want to bash your head into a wall so hard that I break both the wall and your skull
• You look like you’d think that seasoning salt is spicy
• I will bite your fingers off like baby carrots
• Your blood will be my lotion
• I hope you have to see your children getting lowered in their graves
• Dust for brains
• Salt rock licking moron
• I hope you get brain damage and that you have to eat out of a tube for the rest of your life
• Dick cheese
• You look like you’d smell like raw ground beef
• I wish I get the liberty to dunk your head into a Wendy’s fryer
• Whorelette
• Whoreling
• Bitchlet
• I hope tonight you get into a super comfy position, and right as you start to relish in how comfortable you are, you have to pee
• You’re the cum shot your mom should have swallowed
• The only thing that wants to suck your dick is your vacuum cleaner
• You ignorant slut
• Fruit fucker
• Please go stare into the sun
• i will crucify you
• you half shaven pube
• prometheus did not get his liver eaten out for all of eternity in hell just for you to say some dumb ass shit like that
• i will turn your penis into a penwas
• better start calling you a calendar bc your days are numbered
• why is seconds hand embarrassment from what someone said so much worse than first hand embarrassment?
• don’t you have a virginity to lose?
• the amount of money i would pay to see you get hit by a bus right now
• i’m not saying that i hate you, i’m just saying that i’d like to hit you with a car
• i bet you were only ever bottle fed
• God modeled your brain after a dried up piece of chewed gum
• i hope your dog gets into your chocolate and throws up on your rug

feel free to add on to this list! <3

yourlocaldudebro:

Compilation of Shakespearean Insults

• “Villain, I️ have done thy mother”
• “Away you three inch fool”
• “I’ll beat thee, but I️ would infect my hands”
• “I️ am sick when I️ do look on thee”
• “More of your conversation would infect my brain”
• “Thine face is not worth sunburning”
• “Thou art unfit for any place but hell”
• “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat”
• “You are as a candle, the better burnt out”
• “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage”
• “Drunkenness is his best virtue”
• “Thou crusty batch of nature!”
• “The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes”
• “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes”
• “Thou hast no more brain than I️ have in mine elbows”

Compilation of Shakespearean Insults

• “Villain, I️ have done thy mother”
• “Away you three inch fool”
• “I’ll beat thee, but I️ would infect my hands”
• “I️ am sick when I️ do look on thee”
• “More of your conversation would infect my brain”
• “Thine face is not worth sunburning”
• “Thou art unfit for any place but hell”
• “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat”
• “You are as a candle, the better burnt out”
• “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage”
• “Drunkenness is his best virtue”
• “Thou crusty batch of nature!”
• “The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes”
• “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes”
• “Thou hast no more brain than I️ have in mine elbows”

creweemmaeec11:

Insult names to use instead of “idiot,”

None of these are actually meant to be hateful, if any of these have truely offensive meanings (such as the r word) that I was unaware of, please tell me so I can remove it! Tried to avoid cursing, but it contains some!

• Jerk
• Ass-hat
• Dumb-dumb
• Dummy
• Doofus
• Dork
• Stupid
• Moron
• Fool
• Nincompoop
• Oaf
• Ninny
• Blockhead
• Dunce
• Imbecile
• Jack-ass
• Dope
• Nit-wit
• Numbskull
• Simpleton
• Twit
• Birdbrain
• Bonehead
• Buffoon
• Dullard
• Half-wit
• Knucklehead
• Ignoramus
• Dingbat
• Dumbbell
• Loser
• Addlepate
• Muttonhead
• Goon
• Pea Brain
• Dull Pencil
• Mole Rat
• Turd

I managed to wake up before The Super Sadist on Sunday. I laid there for a little while, trying to decide if it was late enough to try to wake him up with a blow job. I determined that it was, in large part because I didn’t feel like waiting any longer to get my mouth on him again. I pulled down the blanket and was just starting take him into my mouth when he pushed at me and rolled away from me onto his side. I giggled a little at his sleep-rejection and considered trying again. I decided not to, because, although I knew he had very enthusiastically consented to getting a blow job to wake up, I’m still not comfortable pushing that on someone who is actively rejecting it.

I tried to go back to sleep, but he was being a huge bed hog. Which, obviously, is his right as a man. I was lucky he allowed me to sleep in the bed, considering sleeping on the floor would be perfectly fitting for a little bitch like me. Eventually, I went to the couch and half-slept there for a little while until he woke up and came out. I told him what had happened, with him rejecting the oral sex alarm clock, and his reaction was basically, “Damnit!” Looking back, I feel bad that I didn’t immediately drop to my knees and suck him off then and there. We had breakfast and talked about what we were going to do that day. The Super Sadist described our plans by saying, “I was thinking I’ll beat you and then we go get vegan food.” Seriously, y'all, I get used by the best men.

Before the beating began, we talked for a little. At some point, I admitted in an embarrassed voice to liking something I feel like I shouldn’t like. I think it might have been that I enjoy when he calls me dumb. He responded, “I know.” He says those words with this tone…I can’t explain it very well. It’s a combination of understanding, condescension, and amusement. I love it. It makes me feel like he gets where I’m coming from, and, at the same time, it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable, knowing that he can read me so well. All of me is open to him, available for his use, even my inner thoughts and reactions. And of course, when I told him I like it when he says that, he looked at me and said, “I know.”

We finished talking, and The Super Sadist cleared space so we could settle in for a long beating session. He had me hands and knees on the floor, ass in the air. I closed my eyes and listened to him move around, trembling slightly in anticipation. He started beating me, warming me up at first, and then hitting me harder. He struck at my ass and thighs. He beat my shoulders. Hands and fists and feet, elbows and knees. Implements. A dowel, a metal rod, a broken off mop handle. A riding crop. His belt. Whipping me with rope. Next, I bent over the couch and he continued the pounding, focusing on my ass and thighs. As he started punching them, I started to moan. There were a couple times his fist hit the back of my upper thighs, I almost felt like I could have cum. Hands are my favorite things to get beaten with. It’s personal and intimate and degrading and insulting. I love it.

When he was finished (for the moment) with my ass and the backs of my thighs, The Super Sadist told me to turn around so he could start in on my tits. Before he began, I said to him, “You know how I don’t normally lube much?” He said yes, and I told him he should feel my cunt, that I really enjoy having someone hurt me, feel how wet I am, and then make fun of me for it. Most of the time, even when I’m very turned on, I don’t get very wet. This time, however, when he put his hand between my legs, he could feel my sopping wet cunt. I think he was prepared to make a mean or teasing remark about how wet I was for my benefit, since I’d said I enjoyed it, but instead he said, “This is actually pretty ridiculous.” I blushed and looked down.

Before I recovered from being identified as a painslut, he started hitting my tits. He slapped them, punched them, smacked them. I tried to keep my hands behind my back and give him the access that is his right. At one point, it got to be so much that I leaned into him and pressed myself against him, hoping to escape the beating. Instead, I got even harder punches in the tits, and a couple times in the ribs. I thoroughly deserved those. I shouldn’t have moved. Eventually, though, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him and shaking, and begged him for a break, to stop. He didn’t have to agree, but he kindly did.

I had some water and watched him prop a window open and light a cigarette. Before this point, he had been smoking outside, like he always does. This change let me know I was in for a treat. We’d talked about me serving as an ashtray for him, which is a bit of play I’ve wanted to try for a while now. He had me kneel before him, mouth open, as he started smoking his cigarette. When he was ready to tap the ash into my mouth, I stayed as still as possible and closed my eyes, afraid of being burned. I felt the heat of the cigarette near my mouth, then tasted and felt the ash fall onto my tongue. He smoked the whole cigarette using me as his ashtray. He paused to take a few pictures, each one meaning the lit cigarette was near my mouth longer. He finally finished, but waited a little while before giving me permission to go spit it out and wash out my mouth, extending the experience. Finally, he let me rinse out and start to get ready for my next use.

Every word that I speak

Flows from my mouth

Faster than I would like.

They spill from my mouth

Faster than I can think-

Flying in your direction.

They are sharper than I intended

Hitting you will accidental aim-

I promise, I didn’t mean it.

But you don’t understand

What I was trying to say

As you turn your face from me.

Insults // Kitten Quinn