#just venting
August 7, 2020
A few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings I was texting my friend. My friend who is an ex but I don’t see him that way. We are just friends. Strictly friendly. The only things we talk about are TV shows, BLM movement, art, video games and how our lives are holding up during this pandemic. Anyway my boyfriend saw me text him and he got upset about it, he didn’t bring it up until we got back to the car but he was really hurt about it. He said “not again with this shit” but I would do the same to him as his ex did, same as in she cheated on him multiple times with her ex.. Was he serious?! It really hurt my feelings that he would even think that of me. He’s literally the only guy I think of, the only guy I want to be around, spend my days with. Sure saw if I see someone attractive while I’m out I’ll think “oh that person has great genes” but I’ll never act upon it. It’s crazy to think that you’ll never find someone else attractive just because you’re in a relationship. But that’s besides the point. He was completely butthurt about the situation then told me to do what I want. If me texting to him makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop texting to him. Which I did. Sure we talk here and there on Instagram but nothing like how it was before. But today when we were ordering food and he handed me his phone to get what I wanted but I couldn’t decide so I was literally scrolling on the menu for 5 minutes. But then I became curious. He told me he doesn’t even speak to her anymore and he recently got a new number so I wanted to see if he had lied me or not. I looked through his text messages (only at the names) and I didn’t see hers but this urge came over me to check his Instagram. I only wanted to check because he’s continuously getting Instagram notifications and I’ve always wondered if they were from her. I checked and he does still talk to her. Her messages were unread so I didn’t want to open them because why would I want to leave evidence that I’ve been snooping. I really hope that they are keeping their conversations friendly also. My only thing is why did he make such a big deal out of me talking to my friend/ex and he still talks to her? And why did he tell me he didn’t talk to her if he does? Well he said that they talk here and there but not for very long. AND HE HAD HER NOTIFICATIONS MUTED! I want to trust him I really do but I’ve dealt with so many lies and bullshit and it’s made me kinda insecure. But I’ll push my insecurity aside and just take his word for it. I don’t want to think to hard about it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I just want to be happy. I’ll ask him about it but not directly. Or next time I see his phone unlocked I’ll check my damn self lol. Well that’s all I have to say today. Peace.
July 25, 2020
My boyfriend said I’m act like I don’t care. Do I really not care? Do I really give off this I dont give a fuck attitude. I don’t mean to. I don’t wanna be like me parents and hurt the people I love or am close too. I don’t ever want him to feel like I don’t care about him or our relationship. I care about his happiness, I care about his opinions, everything he says. I just don’t want him to get bored of me or leave me. I want to be everything he wants and needs. I know I’m not his first love but I want to be the love of his life. I want him forever. I wanna experience the world with him. I wanna grow old with him. Please don’t hate me baby.
July 2, 2020
This is a letter I wrote to my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend. He still hasn’t seen it…
May 9, 2020
I know you don’t care about titles and neither do I but I just want you to myself. “Let’s go with the flow” I’m down but “My boyfriend”? That would be nice; on the other hand that’s also a lot to live up to. That’s one reason why I don’t want a title. I don’t want you to become my person (boyfriend) then disappoint me. I don’t wanna disappoint you. I just want to make you happy and I just wanna be happy with you for as long as I can. Even if it’s not as long as I would like. I know you really like me, I notice it more and more each day. Shit I like you too I say it’s love but I don’t know. I’ve never experienced real love. I’ve never fully given myself to someone. But it’s just something different with you, I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you it’s like I talking to myself but with slight differences. Or you just make me fell so relaxed but nervous. We can hold eye contact for a short amount of time but it’s still gets awkward. Which I love. I love that I can be silly but vulnerable with you. I love that you call me beautiful, or think I’m sexy when I just feel average. I love how excited you get when you play video games. I love how kiss my forehead and hold me afterwards like there’s no one in the world but you and I. I love how long you are but we still fit so well together. I love that your passionate about music. I love that you’re just so cool without even trying. I love all you’re old stories. I just want to learn to love you. I want you to learn to love me. I’ll slowly open up to you if you give it time, and I’m sure you’ll do the same. But one thing.. please don’t break my heart. Heartbreak feels the same with or without a title.
