eu não deveria estar aqui.

sei que essa merda toda é somente por minha causa.

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me odeio e isso me desanima

sei que toda essa porra está na minha mente

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caralho não odeio minha vida, sei que é boa, sei que tem gente que me ama (por incrível que pareça).

mas é que não consigo sentir nada de bom por mim.

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toda vez que tento esquecer esse mal estar e focar nas coisas boas ou apenas cumprir minha obrigações para parar de pensar tanta merda, só me sinto mais mal do que já estava.

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toda essa merda de insegurança e esses pensamentos que não param, toda essa bagunça e drama é tão exaustivo.

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não sei o que fazer da vida, não consigo sentir ânimo ou prazer em nada. tento fazer as coisas pq precisam ser feitas, mas sem nenhum plano pro amanhã pq meu plano é não estar aqui.

mas passa o tempo e vejo que ainda não tive coragem de ir embora.

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só quero terminar com essa merda o quanto antes, mas sei que vai machucar os outros e não quero machucar ninguém, porém não aguento mais TODO CARALHO DE DIA continuar me machucando.

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não sei deixar relações ultrapassarem para algo mais íntimo pq sei que entre a impressão que dou e o que realmente sou há um abismo de verdade escondida.

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toda vez que tento melhorar e fazer algo, toda vez que penso que estou sentindo um pouco de alegria me sinto mal, culpada!

sinto culpa por estar me sentindo um pouco bem.

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tento me sentir bem, tento relaxar, tento pensar positivo, mas é só lembrar que sou eu que tudo começa a desmoronar e todo aquele drama volta à tona.

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sinto que é errado eu estar num corpo, sinto que é errado acordar, sinto que é errado me distrair para não pensar em coisas ruins, sinto que é errado tentar conviver com outras pessoas.

não me sinto bem sendo eu mesma.

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não é a vida que levo, pq faço minhas obrigações, estudo, to procurando outro trabalho, tento o meu melhor sempre para não ser uma idiota com os outros. preciso me manter ocupada para não pensar merda.

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estou exausta mentalmente e tão desanimada, mas me odeio demais e não suporto minha presença para conseguir ficar na cama comigo mesma.

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com o desânimo tudo o que tento sempre acaba na pior e se consigo algo êxito não dou nenhum valor.

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não consigo gostar de mim, não consigo me sentir bem ou sentir algo bom quando paro para pensar sobre mim.

esse é o problema!

não é minha vida e sei disso, por isso tanta culpa.

To the tune of fall out boy: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK……EXCEPT I DO BECAUSE I HAVE INSECURITIESSSSSSSS

Your insecurities, self doubt, opening up issues, emotional block, and many more psychological problems go way back to highschool. When at the building stage of life, you once tried to open up to someone and they got all confused and ended up laughing at you. That other time someone made fun of your skin colour. When someone laughed at your physical deficiency i.e just being not that pretty?

Which isn’t even a deficiency in the first place!! but that’s where insecurity and self doubt was embedded in your mind. That’s exactly where you were born to be really anxious about yourself. Your confidence just shatters, and you’re never able to reach your full potential until you pick yourself up. But its not that easy as it seems.. so hey, please just be nice to each other. Being kind to each other through speech, is really effective and healing to people who are suffering..

officialwhitegirls:

me going literally anywhere for the first time: wow the girls here are so pretty

August 7, 2020

A few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I were at Buffalo Wild Wings I was texting my friend. My friend who is an ex but I don’t see him that way. We are just friends. Strictly friendly. The only things we talk about are TV shows, BLM movement, art, video games and how our lives are holding up during this pandemic. Anyway my boyfriend saw me text him and he got upset about it, he didn’t bring it up until we got back to the car but he was really hurt about it. He said “not again with this shit” but I would do the same to him as his ex did, same as in she cheated on him multiple times with her ex.. Was he serious?! It really hurt my feelings that he would even think that of me. He’s literally the only guy I think of, the only guy I want to be around, spend my days with. Sure saw if I see someone attractive while I’m out I’ll think “oh that person has great genes” but I’ll never act upon it. It’s crazy to think that you’ll never find someone else attractive just because you’re in a relationship. But that’s besides the point. He was completely butthurt about the situation then told me to do what I want. If me texting to him makes you uncomfortable I’ll stop texting to him. Which I did. Sure we talk here and there on Instagram but nothing like how it was before. But today when we were ordering food and he handed me his phone to get what I wanted but I couldn’t decide so I was literally scrolling on the menu for 5 minutes. But then I became curious. He told me he doesn’t even speak to her anymore and he recently got a new number so I wanted to see if he had lied me or not. I looked through his text messages (only at the names) and I didn’t see hers but this urge came over me to check his Instagram. I only wanted to check because he’s continuously getting Instagram notifications and I’ve always wondered if they were from her. I checked and he does still talk to her. Her messages were unread so I didn’t want to open them because why would I want to leave evidence that I’ve been snooping. I really hope that they are keeping their conversations friendly also. My only thing is why did he make such a big deal out of me talking to my friend/ex and he still talks to her? And why did he tell me he didn’t talk to her if he does? Well he said that they talk here and there but not for very long. AND HE HAD HER NOTIFICATIONS MUTED! I want to trust him I really do but I’ve dealt with so many lies and bullshit and it’s made me kinda insecure. But I’ll push my insecurity aside and just take his word for it. I don’t want to think to hard about it or I’ll drive myself crazy. I just want to be happy. I’ll ask him about it but not directly. Or next time I see his phone unlocked I’ll check my damn self lol. Well that’s all I have to say today. Peace.