Bad: Hobbit pipeweed is probably just tobacco because [something from Tolkien’s unpublished letters].
Also bad: Pipeweed is totally marijuana. All hobbits are stoners.
Good: “Pipeweed” is a catch-all term for anything you can stick in a pipe and smoke. Some of it will give you a light nicotine buzz, and some of it will get you absolutely blasted out of your mind. Hobbits are perfectly aware which is which, but since their system of classification is based on what farm the pipeweed was grown on rather than what species of plants went into it, the distinctions are often opaque to outsiders. If a hobbit offers you a puff of “Old Toby”, make sure you know how old Toby likes his pipeweed before you accept!
I love watching all the homosexuals re-enter the Middle Earth fandom around the same time of year. We’re back bitches, lets get these two hitched already
I am inviting all authors and artists who love Tolkien to participate in my April Tolkien Challenge!
Every day, there will be a new object central, which is the object we will be talking about! Do whatever you want with this; Write a piece about it, share information about it, create something art-related about it….anything goes!
I’d love to see your work! Tag me in it, reblog this post with your piece or use #apriltolkienchallenge !
A month ago when we first saw that the Elves have short hair in the new show I was like “ew not wtf this is an abomination” but then I cut my own hella long elven hair off irl and now look like Amazon Elrond and am nowlike
And am now accidentally all for the short hair elf thing
Legolas sees Gimli’s tiddies for the first time at the counsel of Elrond and bursts into tears ‘cause he’s never wanted to be railed so bad in his life.
Elrond misunderstands and is like tskwe must overcome our prejudices, Thranduilion 8-|
And then Legolas spends the entire quest like,
ive hung around tolkein discourse long enough to know the true irony here
among elves- legolas is the bear, the max level of lumberjack possible for an elf
among dwarves- gimli is the twink, silken haired refined poetry spouting
ok so, for people who have seen the LOTR films but not read the book I’d like to share some things that are 100% canon:
- Sam Gamgee uses the word ‘boner’. In a song. Several times.
- he also writes a poem that contains the phrase ‘golden showers’. (this is actually in the extended cut but they changed it to ‘silver showers’)
- at one point after he’s defeated Saruman steals Merry’s weed & runs away
- Denethor has actual mindreading powers
- so does Faramir (but he’s a nice person so they manifest more as heightened empathy)
- Gandalf ALSO has mindreading powers but for entirely different reasons. he reads Frodo’s mind while he’s sleeping at one point, casually reveals this to Frodo, and Frodo’s just like ‘huh neat’
- rather than bravely drawing the orcs away from Frodo like in the film, in the book Merry and Pippin just kind of, panic, bolt into the woods, and run directly into the orcs’ arms.
- Merry then draws his sword and hacks a bunch of orc hands off
- Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli name themselves ‘the three hunters’ before setting off to rescue Merry and Pippin because they are dorks
- they also improvise a whole song about how much they loved Boromir
- Aragorn does not initially tell the hobbits he’s a friend of Gandalf bcos he wanted them to like him for who he is. im not kidding. he openly admits to this.
- i feel like this is fairly well known but, if you didn’t know Frodo is 50 years old and looks 33
- hobbits PROBABLY age different to humans so looking 33 in practice means he looks about 21
- in accordance with the above Pippin is the equivalent of a 16-17 year old human
- Pippin can pass for a human child and looks like ‘a boy of nine summers’
- this isn’t that weird i just think it’s really cute: Pippin has 3 older sisters and their names are Pearl, Pimpernel and Pervinca.
- Sam & Rosie have 13 children. One of them is called Goldilocks.
- Frodo has another best friend. His name is Fatty. He stayed behind in the Shire to cover for Frodo’s absence and ends up getting jailed for months by Saruman’s forces.
- Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, who steals spoons, is also jailed by Saruman. (She whacked one of his goons with an umbrella.)
- Grima Wormtongue MAY have eaten an entire hobbit
- Saruman invades the Shire and turns it into a communist hell police state.
- the whole Tom Bombadil thing is common knowledge but if you haven’t read the book i guarantee you he is weirder than you think.
- to give just 2 examples: 1) the whole tom bombadil arc provides the explanation as to how Eowyn and Merry were able to dispatch the Witch King
- and 2) for unknown reasons sleeping in his house causes everyone to have horrible nightmares… EXCEPT for Sam who has a peaceful and dreamless night. no explanation offered for any of this.
considering that Pippin’s dad is named Paladin, you fucking know he claimed the right to name each and every one of his children and his poor wife just begged him to choose a different letter to start with
also aragorn openly admitting to being fucking lonely and just wanting friends is treated like a weirdly funny joke in the book by the way that some of the hobbits react to it, and frodo also proceeds very soon after to basically tell aragorn that he’s pretty foul-looking but seems a good guy
yes to the above & a small correction + one i forgot:
- Merry does in fact gift Saruman the weed. It’s the bag it’s in that Saruman steals and runs off with. (also give that Merry stole the weed from Saruman’s personal supply in the first place i can’t say i blame him)
- Aragorn literally has magical healing powers. i don’t think they ever explain this in the films but he does very much have healing powers.
Sam: *walking about like a cat in booties* oh no… Oh no…
Frodo: *stands up* *immediately falls down*
Merry: you just spend all your time with your feet in… jail? In foot jail?? This is the worst
Pippin: *stomping about* haha Merry look, I’m a human! Get out of my way! I’m in a hurry! Where’s my horse? My name’s Boromir- *trips over laces and goes down hard* ow
Pippin: Merry help I’m stuck Merry *wrenching at shoes* STOP LAUGHING i’M A TOOK WE HAVE WIDE FEET
Merry: why are there so many laces this is so over-complicated
Frodo: *frantically kicking off shoes* nope nope nope nope nope
Gimli: Sam just walk normally
Sam: I don’t know where my feet are!
Gimli: they’re at the ends of your legs lad!
Sam: Mister Frodo help
& while all this is happening literally every other member of the Fellowship losing their gotdamn shit at the sight of a bunch of grown men (+Pippin) unable to figure out how shoes work
Frodo: alright I’m going to try again *stands up**WHAM*oww
Aragorn: *sobering up* Okay Frodo seriously take those off before you really hurt yourself
~later~
Pippin: I suddenly have a new respect for all you shoe-wearing folks
Boromir: Pippin no offence but that is literally one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard anyone say
What to call their meals. Boromir thinks, if it is eaten at dinnertime, regardless of whether it is the first meal of the day or not, then it is dinner. Sam thinks it isn’t proper to call the first meal of the day dinner. Aragorn suggests they combine the two words but now everyone is fighting over whether it should be called breakfast-dinnner or dinner-breakfast. The fight nearly becomes physical
Whether Legolas or Gimli is winning their daily argument with eachother
If hobbits are regular sized and everyone else is really big, or if everyone else is regular sized and hobbits are small
The same as above except with horses and ponies
If Gimli’s beard is real or not. This one started as a joke between Merry and Pippin but then Legolas saw how mad it made Gimli and so continues to bring it up
Inter-hobbit fighting about whether it is called pot-ae-toes, pot-ah-toes, or taters
“Can Legolas really talk to trees, or is he just fucking with us?” Aragorn and Gandalf refuse to weigh in on this
Whether the Ent-draught caused Merry and Pippin to grow or if they just did that on their own. This fight is Pippin vs. Everyone Else
Whether the non-hobbits of the Fellowship would be Tooks, Brandybucks, or Bagginses. This argument is unintelligible to most of them, although Gandalf has the knowledge to be offended when Pippin suggests he would be a Took.
“What would happen if someone ate the ring?”
Fights over whether the elves, the dwarves, or the hobbits tell the story of the reclaiming of Erebor most accurately. Even though Gandalf was there, he just shrugs when anyone asks him
Which variety of pipeweed is the best kind. Merry threatened Gimli to a duel over this one
