it doesn’t matter how obvious i make it

everyone would still pretend they had no idea

jerks.

It fills me with such envy to see my friends have other friends. How do they go to a place and end up with a new person in their contacts by the end of the day? How are they able to maintain relationships like that. It sucks to know that if we ever stop talking they’d have people to talk to but I’d be all alone.

Butterflies

Sixteen Candles Verse

W/c: 3.6k+

Flashback Scene - Bunny and Riley’s first kiss

TW: homophobia, child abuse, allusions to future sexual assault 

“I was in love, and the feeling was even more wonderful than I ever imagined it could be” 

The only thing more exciting about the summer before high school is the month before the summer before high school. It’s spring. The countdown for summer officially is on. Kids have already retired their brains from thinking in favor of planning for their summer vacation. House parties, pool parties, parties just because. The summer meant endless amounts of fun. Endless amounts of opportunities to reinvent themselves before their high school careers crushed every pretty thought in their head. Or not. For Bunny, it meant more time at home. Sure, she could probably go to church camp, or summer school, or anything to keep her occupied. It all could be fun. At least if she had Riley. Her best friend. Riley’s going to her dad’s for the summer. The entire summer. This means Bunny has to occupy her time herself. 

She’s used to being alone. She finds solace in the solitude. Even still, she dreads the next few months. That’s the least of her worries. The eighth-grade graduation is in three weeks’ time. She still hasn’t picked out a dress or shoes. She doesn’t even know which high school she’s going to. All she knows is that Riley will be there either way. Riley has style. Riley’s fun. Riley is currently talking to her. Bunny blinks back to reality, realizing she’s been daydreaming the entire walk home, as the slightly taller teen waves a hand in her face. 

“Y/n?” Riley furrows her brows. “Hey, are you okay?” Oh. She remembered. She’s walking home from school. She looks around to three faces looking at her as if she grew a second head. 

“Y-yeah I’m fine,” Bunny shrugs. “Just thinking. I got lost in my head.”

“You’re always lost in your head,” Raven, one-fourth of the quartet, explains. She and Silver are the other pieces of their friend group. They’re all close in a sense. Though she never really hangs out with the other girls outside of Riley. Not that she wasn’t willing. The chemistry isn’t there. She’s found that she doesn’t have anything in common with the other girls. Riley puts forth the effort to understand her and her interests. She does the same. She likes all of her friends but she thinks she may like Riley a bit more than normal. 

“Girl has big dreams let her live,” Silver moves over to wrap her arm around Bunny’s shoulder. If she were paying attention she would have noticed the hint of a frown on Riley’s face at the action. 

“Speaking of big dreams, I’m going to have Isaiah Myles kiss me this week on our date,” Raven gives a big Cheshire grin. 

“What? No way!” Silver practically shrieks. At Raven’s nod, she says. “It’s about time. You two have been going out the whole eighth-grade year.”  

“Well, it’s not like I haven’t kissed anyone before,” Raven gestures to Riley and Bunny. “Unlike these two.”

Riley simply brushes the comment off. “There are more important things than kissing or boys.” 

“What are you thirty? Kissing is nice.” Silver finally releases Bunny’s shoulders to tug on Riley’s arms. “It feels good. Especially when the boy knows how to kiss.”

“This is eighth grade how many of them actually know how to do that?” Riley rolls her eyes. 

“Ahmad does,” Silver laughs. “He’s actually a great kisser. I get all tingly inside when he kisses me. Like butterflies and fireworks. All of the movies were right.”

Bunny, though interested, doesn’t have an offering for the conversation. She has no interest in boys or kissing. She listens as her friends describe everything there is to know about their first kiss and dating. She finds their stories fun. She’s heard dozens of stories from both Raven and Silver. Some of them she’s sure they’re lying about. She doesn’t have the guts to call them out on it. It’s Riley she pays attention to the most. She hasn’t had her first kiss either. She’s never even talked about being interested in dating anyone too. 

“When it happens you have to make sure to keep gum or something that makes your breath fresh,” Raven advises them. They’ve reached her house. “You guys want to come inside?”

“No, I think I’m going to head home,” Riley says through her teeth. Bunny can tell she’s lying. She simply doesn’t want to hang out with Silver and Raven any longer. Bunny shakes her head in agreement only offering her friends a wave. They bid their goodbyes and she follows after Riley. 

“Dear God! I thought they’d never be quiet.” Riley stops to wait for Bunny to catch up. 

“Be nice,” Bunny scolds her. 

“I am being nice but all they want to talk about is boys and kissing and sex,” Riley throws her hands up. “It’s annoying.”

“I don’t think you’d be so mad if you were doing it too,” Bunny says casually and Riley stops in her tracks. 

“You’re only half right,” Riley takes Bunny’s hand in hers. It’s how they walk all the time. If anyone else were here they’d probably judge them. Laugh at them. Call them names. For both girls, it’s just a thing they do as friends. “I just don’t think it’s a big deal. Kissing happens. It’s fine. Doesn’t mean we have to talk about it all day long.”

“You haven’t had your first kiss yet,” Bunny points out. 

“You haven’t either,” Riley retorts. They’re approaching their favorite bodega. They always share a pack of Starbursts whenever they go. This time is no different. Riley releases Bunny’s hand in favor of opening the door to allow her in. Bunny doesn’t hang on to the feeling of loss. She steps into the store, heading straight for the second aisle, to find the Starbursts pack. She picks it up to wave it for Riley who’s searching for an Arizona Sweet Tea in the freezer. They’re quiet as they buy their items and exit the store. Their houses aren’t too far apart so this buys them a bit more time to hang out together. Bunny has piano lessons in a couple hours. 

“Don’t you want to though?” Bunny asks curiously. 

“I mean,” Riley actually takes her time to think. She opens the Starbursts package that Bunny has given to her to separate the flavors. She only likes the red kind. “I kind of have my eye on someone I would want it to be with.”

“Oh,” Bunny visibly deflates. She doesn’t really know why she’s upset at that. 

“I don’t think they’re interested though. Her family is pretty strict and…” Riley tucks her hands into her pocket.

“So, it’s a girl?” Bunny asks. “Riley…”

“I know you’re going to say it’s wrong and.”

“I wasn’t.” Bunny interrupts. She knows what she’s been taught in church. She knows it’s a sin. She also knows that Riley is her friend. Her best friend. She’d never drop her for something like that. They walk in silence for a couple of minutes. Both with their own thoughts running rampant. “How did you know?”

“How did I know what?” Riley looks over at her. She’s completely confused and not following Bunny’s train of thought. 

“That you like girls?” Bunny elaborates. She’s genuinely curious. 

“I don’t know,” Riley stops again. She tries to search for the words to describe it. “I kind of knew when I was obsessed with Beyonce in fourth grade. It was like a simple girl crush. Then it was frequent and more real. That’s when I knew maybe I liked both.”

Bunny lets this sit for a second. 

“But if you’ve never kissed a girl how do you know you like them?”

“Well, how do you know you like boys if you haven’t kissed one?” Riley retorts. 

“I don’t,” Bunny says lowly. Before she loses the courage she asks. “What if we did it together?”

“Found boys to kiss? Sorry, there is no one at Armstrong Middle that I would like to kiss,” Riley scrunches her nose. 

“I thought you said you had that girl?” Bunny feels like they’re both missing the point. 

“I do, or I don’t,” Riley shakes her head. “Anyway, we can’t do it together if we don’t have anyone else.”

“I was thinking we could kiss each other.” Bunny rips the bandage off. There’s no sense in beating around the bush if Riley isn’t going to catch what she’s saying. She knows it’s wrong. She knows she shouldn’t have even suggested it. There’s no one she’d rather kiss though. A strong revelation in itself.

“What do you mean?” Riley asks slowly. They’re on the corner that separates them. Each girl will go down their own path once they reach this place. “Like our lips locked?” 

“That way we could know what we like and we already are friends,” Bunny tries to pose it as a small situation. As if she wouldn’t be kissing her best friend. She looks everywhere but Riley’s face. Suddenly, her shoes are more interesting. 

“You’re the girl,” Riley wrings her hands nervously. She closes her eyes in anticipation of the worse. Bunny should be yelling at her. Maybe she wouldn’t want to be her friend. 

“Oh,” Bunny nods. “Oh!” She says in realization. “Me? Why?”

“Why not?” Riley tilts her head. “My mom always says the best things happen when you’re friends first. Not that it has to be anything. Are you, um, are you sure you want to kiss me? Wouldn’t you rather wait for someone that’s well, not me?”

Bunny swallows. “Yeah, I’m sure.” 

“Okay,” Riley agrees. “We can do it tomorrow?”

“My house?” Bunny suggests. “My parents won’t be home until late. The church is having revival but I don’t have to be at this one.”

“Sounds great,” Riley nods. “I will see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow,” Bunny agrees. 

“Cool, cool, cool,” Riley tries not to appear so excited. “Yeah,” She facepalms at her ridiculousness. “I will see you tomorrow.” 

Both girls awkwardly wave goodbye to each before going their separate ways. Both were nervous about the monumental moment to come. Both are excited about what it could be. 

***************************

When they see each other at school they share shy smiles. They’re the only two people in the world who know about their secret. They’re the only two who know what’s to come. This time their walk home is filled with anticipation. It’s a change from the mundane. At the bodega, Riley buys gum this time. She’s taking Raven’s advice. They walk home together, engaging in normal conversation when they arrive. No one’s home. There are no cars in the front. Dave’s bike isn’t in the front yard. They have the house all to themselves. 

“Do you need anything to drink?” Bunny locks the front door behind them. She makes sure to check the kitchen and the living area before they head upstairs to her room. She makes sure to close that door behind her too. She doesn’t have a lock. It’s against the rules. Another one of the rules that she despises is being in this house. She can’t say hate. That’s another rule. She tosses her backpack and jacket on Faith’s bed. She’s away at college so she isn’t even using it. She begged her mother to change it for a bigger bed but it was to no avail. 

“No, I’m fine,” Riley sits on Bunny’s bed. She watches the girl as she paces around the room. When she’s finally close enough, she reaches out for her to tug her down onto the bed. Bunny sits across from her with a surprised look on her face. “If you don’t want we don’t have to. I know I said it’s you but I don’t want you to think you have to. Forget everything Raven and Silver said.”

“No, I want to,” Bunny says. “Should we just do it? Do you need music or something?”

“Music?” 

“I googled things,” Bunny confesses. She looks down at her hands before looking back into Riley’s brown eyes. “Like how to kiss and everything. It said to play music to set the mood if you can.”

“Oh,” Riley nods. That makes sense. “I don’t think we need to. What else did it say?”

“It said to give the other person a compliment,” Bunny scoots a bit closer. “I really think you’re pretty.”

“I think you’re pretty too,” Riley says. Her voice is barely above a whisper as her eyes flicker to Bunny’s lips. “Did it say anything else?”

“To just go for it,” Bunny whispers. That’s all either girl needed as they puckered their lips. Bunny closes her eyes first, allowing her hand to rest on Riley’s thigh, as she leaned in. Riley places her hand on Bunny’s shoulder as an anchor. The kiss is quick. Gentle. Just a pressing of lips. It’s over before they know it. They pull back to look at each other. 

“I um,” Riley clears her throat. “It wasn’t bad but…”

“Maybe we should try again.” Bunny can feel the butterflies fill her belly. The nervous feelings are quickly taken over by something else. 

“Try again,” Riley repeats as she leans over again this time. “We can just go as long as we think is fine?” She receives a nod of confirmation. This kiss is more intimate. More fulfilling. She positions herself so that her lip is over Bunny’s bottom lip. A real liplock. She can feel Bunny’s hand raise to caress her face. All thoughts leave her head as she finally lives out what she’s been dreaming of since middle school began. She can swear she hears a noise between them but she isn’t too sure what it is. In an effort to deepen the kiss, she swipes her tongue across Bunny’s bottom lip, the other teen isn’t the only one that’s been Googling. Before they can go any further, there’s a booming angry voice forcing them apart. 

“What the fuck are y’all doing?” Mike, Bunny’s stepfather, enters the room in a giant blob of terror. He doesn’t even give them time to find their bearings before he’s pushing Riley away. She doesn’t know whether it’s intended to be so rough but she falls to the floor. She’s going to feel the ache of his force in the morning. 

“Mike,” Bunny tries to plead with him but his hand is already across her face. She can feel the sting as she cries out. “Mike!”

“No, no!” He shouts at her. He turns to Riley. “You. Leave. Don’t come back here. You’re too grown anyway.” He says. Riley glances at a crying Bunny. He repeats his shouting and this time he means it. She scurries into action, grabbing her jacket and backpack, before racing out of the bedroom. On the way down the stairs, she runs into Sherry, Bunny’s mom. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Sherry asks. 

“Mike, he, I,” Riley is too caught up in her emotions to actually say anything. She can’t bring herself to. 

“Sherry, get in here,” Mike yells from down the hall. 

“It’s okay, baby, go home, I’ll call your mom later,” Sherry sighs. Whatever this was she didn’t have it in her to argue about it now. She waits for Riley to continue down the stairs before she goes to find her husband. She finds Mike in the doorway of Bunny’s bedroom, screaming an insane amount of expletives, a belt in one hand. “Mike, what’s going on?” She asks. Bunny is curled into one side of her bed, her knees drawn to her chest, as she cries.

“Go on, tell your Mama what you’ve been doing,” Mike instructs. Bunny is too distraught to answer. No one was supposed to be home. They were alone. They should have picked Riley’s house. 

“What?” Sherry questions. 

“Tell her,”

“Riley and I were hanging out,” Bunny begins through hiccups.

“Hanging out,” Mike repeats, waving the belt in the air, as he interrupts. “She was kissing that fast tail little girl when I came up here. I told you, Sherry, she’s a problem. I told you if we didn’t get her together quick enough she would be trouble.”

“Kissing?” Sherry questions. “Were you kissing Riley, Y/n?”

“Yes, but,”

“No buts,” Mike says. 

“We only wanted to be each other’s first kiss, everyone at school.” Bunny tries to get them to see her side. 

“Why would you do that and you know it’s wrong? You know people like that get sent to hell,” Sherry speaks up. “Why?”

Bunny can’t offer them an answer. She knows why she did it. She knows she wanted to. It felt good. She liked kissing Riley. She wasn’t going to admit that to them. 

“So you’re not going to say why?” Mike sucks his teeth. “Sherry, you haven’t let me whoop her ass in a while. I think now is the time. She’s been testing us for the past few weeks and we let a lot of stuff slide.”

“Wait,” Sherry shakes her head. She comes to sit beside Bunny. “Did she force you?”

Bunny’s head shoots up. “What?”

“Did she force you? Has she been touching you?” Sherry asks. “I can tell she’s hot in the pants. I always have known. Now is she trying to get you to do things to her? You can tell me anything.”

“You better tell the truth now, girl.” Mike’s patience is wearing thin. If he ever even had any. 

Bunny simply hangs her head. She doesn’t want to lie to her best friend. She would never do that. “Mama,” Bunny whispers. “I couldn’t tell you.” 

Sherry takes a shaky breath. She’s taking Bunny’s lack of an answer as a yes. 

“So, she’s not allowed over here anymore,” Sherry decides and looks to Mike for his confirmation. He nods his head. “You’re not allowed to talk to her. Do you hear me?”

Bunny looks at her with blurry vision. Everything is happening so fast. 

“As for you, you’re on punishment. No Tv, no games.” He hasn’t loosened the hold on his belt for a long time. “School, church, and bed. Until I say so.”

Bunny looks over to her mother pleadingly. She should let her explain. Let her tell her what she was thinking. All they needed to do was listen. She could tell them what she was thinking. 

Mike is the first to leave her bedroom. Sherry lingers. She takes Bunny’s chin in her own. There’s a cut on her cheek. Signs of bruising. She inspects the cut before dropping her hand. Bunny tries her hardest to stop the tears from flowing. 

Soon after, Bunny is left to her own devices. She crawls under the cover with her shoes still on to cry. Every part of her body aches. She can feel the pain in her eyes as she tries to fall asleep. If she falls asleep all of the pain will go away. 

**************************************

It’s the next morning, she’s getting ready for school when Sherry steps into the bathroom with a toiletry bag. Bunny is tense but otherwise unguarded. There’s no other punishment that could happen that she couldn’t take. They already banned her from seeing her best friend. She can’t do anything. 

“To help with that cheek,” Sherry shows her a bottle of concealer. “It’s not your exact shade but we’re similar enough.” She gestures for Bunny to sit on the toilet. She makes quick work of cleaning her face and applying the concealer. When Bunny hisses at her touch, she pulls back only slightly. “You know better than to be doing that.”

Bunny can feel the tears welling in her eyes again. 

“Even if she did try and force you, you know better, you say no,” Sherry says. “You come and tell me. I don’t care what it is. You tell me about stuff like that.”

Bunny knows better. Her mother’s words may be good at the moment but considering how they reacted. She’d rather keep things a secret. It seems like forever until Sherry’s done with her makeup. It’s been even longer since Sherry has even touched her. Bunny finds it amusing. It took all of this for her mom to even really talk to her. 

The rest of the morning is a blur. She walks to school alone. Usually, she would meet at their corner to go with Riley. She doesn’t even see Raven or Silver in homeroom. She makes sure to avoid any of her usual spots until she’s at her locker. It’s almost as if she has a sixth sense to Riley’s presence. She can tell when she’s near. Even getting a glimpse of her now, with sad eyes, and a bruised ego, Bunny can’t help but feel butterflies. 

“Hey, can we talk?” Riley asks in a hushed tone. 

Bunny wants to. God does she want to. She knows better. Even if they do what is she supposed to say? 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Bunny says instead. 

“I think it is,” Riley steps closer. “You told your mom I forced you to kiss me when it was your idea. What’s that about? Why did you lie?” 

“I didn’t,” Bunny argues. 

“Then why does she think that?” Riley presses. “I thought you wanted to. You said you did.”

“I’m not allowed to talk to you anymore,” Bunny keeps her gaze on her locker. 

“What?” Riley frowns. She’s never actually seen the taller girl cry. Well, except for that time her parents were getting divorced. She cried a lot then. “Just tell them you lied. Tell them it was a stupid dare or something. I’m sorry? Okay.”

“Just leave it,” Bunny shakes her head. 

“You’re wearing makeup?” Riley inspects her face. “Did he hit you more after I left?” 

“No, just please, leave me alone,” Bunny doesn’t give her any more time to talk. She slams her locker closed, effectively ending their conversation, and she walks away. Behind her, Riley stands confused and hurt. 

This is the last time they talk for two years.

TW - Suicide mention, self harm mention, eating disorder mention, depression/anxiety mention.

I want opinions off people who don’t know me in real life and therefore can’t be biased, so if you can be bothered then let me know what you think!!!

Question: Is it bad of me to get into a relationship when my mental health is complete and utter trash?

Now when I say this I mean it’s really really bad and like I don’t know if I’ll be alive most days which I think is really unfair on a person I’d be potentially dating. My issue is that I feel like I can’t tell the guy I’m talking to that we should stop before it gets any more serious because I’m mentally unstable, because I feel like it sounds like an excuse? It’s not, it’s literally true but I don’t want him to think I’m backing out for any other reason other than the fact I don’t think it’s fair to make him deal with my bullshit when I don’t even know how to deal with my bullshit? And not just my eating disorder but also my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and self harm. It’s all a lot to handle and it’s very bad rn. What do you think? Am I doing the right thing in telling him we can’t be together? Or am I fucking things up for no reason?