#pre med

I pretend that the reason freshman premeds irritate me so much is that they need to chill, but the reality is that I need to be less chill about the premed stuff and so I just feel personally attacked by people who have their shit together

forgot to tell y’all the other day when i got the score but i got a 511 on the MCAT and i will not be taking that shit again :) so relieved and proud of myself, i studied for a month almost nonstop and this was my first time taking it! i started with a practice exam score of 496 so this is such a big leap for me

dm if you have questions or need encouragement! and check out my exam resources page on my blog for links to many free PDFs of practice resources and my own personal notes. good luck y’all!

started making my OWN coffee again so this is just a hazelnut iced coffee (still very yummy and didn’t cost $5)

studying microbio at my desk on a rainy day and feeling cozy

I’m feeling so lost. What is my role here? In life? Why did I move out of California and have to leave the home I knew in Chicago? What purpose am I meant to fulfill? In college, in California, in my future career. Why? I’ll have days or even just hours where I feel super motivated to pursue a goal but there’s always some doubt in the back of my mind. I’m never confident in myself, or not confident enough I should say. Not confident enough that I’ll make it through the struggle of the 3-4 years of college and get into medical school. And if I do, by the grace of God, get into medical school will I be able to make it through that?

Thinking about medical school and the long path of education that I’ve chosen makes me think of other aspects of my life too. Like my parents and how much they’re sacrificing to pay for my education right now and how it’ll probably be like a decade until I can start paying them back. There’s so much I want to do for them. I want to buy my mom a big house. I want to buy my dad a ping pong table and a nice car. I want to send them on vacation. I want to let them visit relatives on the other side of the world. And also about starting my own family. I’m almost 20 years old now. The 20s sound like the start of becoming a real young adult, finding someone that you can see a future with, getting married, starting a family of my own. I want all of that, but it seems to conflict with my dreams of becoming a doctor because medical school is another 4 years after undergrad, then there’s residency. How do you even have a relationship through all that stress? I’ve never even been in a relationship before. I think that scares me the most. I’m almost halfway done with college right now, and if I graduate in 3 years that literally means I have 1.5 years left to find someone. I’ve never even kissed a boy before. Like most people have at least had a relationship, serious or not it doesn’t matter. I have never even confessed to anyone if I had feelings for them. And clearly no one has confessed to me lol. There’s kind of someone on my mind right now but there’s so much doubt in me that I just keep going back and forth. Every time I see him, I see a possibility. But also a possibility for him with others too. Like I’d probably be a terrible girlfriend. I’m so bad at communicating. And with college and medical school, it would be long distance for like at least 6 years. He deserves someone who can spend time with him. And I feel like I know or at least recognize everyone at school right now so it feels weird to date any of them. Ughhhh. I just need some guidance from God. Some days I feel like I can deal with having a casual, fling but other days I want to have a serious relationship. What do I want? Helppppp. Can anyone relate lol? I ramble so much. Sorry about that, just had boba and I feel the caffeine running through my veins. Anyways, if you followed me this far, thanks. You’re pretty awesome. If you ever wanna chat or vent like me - I’m here :)