#relations

metamorphilia:

being from the united states is embarrassing if you truly valued yourself you’d be born somewhere else

I’m indigenous speak for yourself - if you are embarrassed by being born here methinks that might be your problem. I also want to say before anyone goes around twisting tights - no problem with op or this post rather wanting to shed light on the fact this is Indigenous American erasure whether meant or not - Turtle Island is an rare and wonderful place to be born and live. If there’s unrest with that idea you may not be aligned to the land.

theglasschild:

“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.”

—Emery Allen

firstfullmoon:

I loved you at lunch

when the coffee kicked in and you
cut carrots into coins

for our salad, the satisfying, slow knocking
of the dull knife
against the cutting board
while I pretended to read
while I worshipped you from the sofa

— Solmaz Sharif, from “Break-Up,” in Look: Poems

hillbillyoracle:

If you frequent online forums or social media spaces where people ask for advice, let’s talk about why “get a therapist” is an actively harmful response. 

Therapy is fucking expensive - even if you have insurance.

I don’t really get why people are so loathe to grapple with this fact. My partner has good insurance for our area and pays $240 a month in copays to see a therapist. Her psychiatrist is refusing to make changes to her medications until she signs up for a type of group therapy which will bring the monthly mental health costs up to ~$500 a month. Again - this is with insurance. This is a strain on our particular budget as two people with multiple disabilities and a dog with epilepsy. 

Therapy without insurance is wild. My partner saw a therapist who was out of network for a while and it was easily ~$1000 a month out of pocket. We could only afford it at the time because we stripped everything back and still dug into savings. 

And if you’re hearing those numbers and thinking “well that doesn’t sound so bad - wtf are you spending the rest of your money on?” one - you’re wildly out of touch with what most people make right now and two - you’re furthering the idea that people struggling financially have to prove themselves to other people before they’re worthy of being believed or taken seriously. That’s not progressive at all. 

When you tell someone who cannot afford therapy to get a therapist, it intensifies the shame of the person struggling. It is not an anti-capitalist response - it furthers the idea that well they just wouldn’t be in this boat if they made more money. It’s the toxic intersection of classism and ableism. 

They may already have a therapist. People shouldn’t be forced to disclose.

The assumption that anyone suffering and looking to the collective for help doesn’t have a therapist fuels this idea that therapists are basically magic pills. They are not. 

When you tell someone who’s already seeing a therapist that they should get a therapist - it’s defeating as fuck to hear. It furthers the feeling that they’re doing something wrong if going to therapy isn’t working - again intensifying shame. It also lets that person know, you’re not a person who understands the very real limitations of therapy and therefore aren’t really a safe person to confide in. When a person gets repeated responses like this from a community, I’ve seen it drive them away. It further isolates someone who is already struggling. 

Keep in mind also that therapy is covered under HIPAA, meaning healthcare organizations understand that even disclosing that someone is receiving it as treatment is private patient data. As individuals, we’re not beholden to HIPAA but I think it’s worth following that lead and respecting that whether someone is in treatment is private. Let a person decide whether to self disclose rather than making assumptions, pushing, or withholding assistance on that basis.

Not all therapists are good at their jobs. Many make conditions worse.

This is something long time users of mental health services are intimately aware of. Insurance drives which treatments are available and generally speaking they went all in on CBT in the 00′s and 10′s. Current research is beginning to show that it actually makes symptoms worse in people who’ve repeatedly experienced trauma and isn’t terribly effective in cases of personality disorders - which are much more common than previously thought. 

So when you say “go get a therapist” - you’re basically telling someone to go into an industry that currently doesn’t widely offer proven treatments for what they might be dealing with - or if they do it’s likely out of pocket and therefore only available to people of a higher socioeconomic status. 

In addition to that - therapists are human and like any profession, not everyone who decides to become a therapist is good at it. Many are downright harmful. The “go get a therapist” line also tends to make it out that all therapists are “good guys” when they’re really not. The institution itself has a long history of not respecting patients and you better believe that’s still present in education therapists get today. When I was enrolled in a social work degree, I was pretty appalled at how mentally ill folks were talked about and that attitude no doubt transfers to students. 

Therapy has historically been unsafe for marginalized groups and still is often inadequate for their needs.

Which brings me to the fact that therapy has a long history of being actively harmful toward women, folks of color, disabled folks, people of non-Christian religions or areligious, poor folks, and neurodivergent folks. The institution of therapy is still grappling with that history. The harm that it’s caused is passed down generationally so many are impacted by both it’s effect on their families and the short comings of the field today. 

Saying, “just go get a therapist” to folks who are from groups like this actively ignores the harm the field has caused to them. If you’re not going to tell someone to go back to a partner who crossed their boundaries, mischaracterized their experiences, and pushed “solutions” to their issues that caused more harm than good - why would you tell a potential patient to? 

Also consider folks who need childcare to go see a therapist and how that complicates accessing it. Consider folks who are having so much difficulty functioning going to a therapist is their entire day - all for treatment that might not even help. Consider folks who live very far away from cities who have to travel for multiple hours. Consider rural folks who are still fighting to get internet access. Consider those people can’t just move. 

Consider that you might not know what factors makes accessing a therapist difficult or even damaging. 

It furthers credentialism – a facet of classism. 

The only people who can become therapists are people who complete at least two degrees, undergo time afterward becoming certified, and then maintain certification through continuing education and fees - all of this costs a truly wild amount of money. Which naturally means therapists themselves tend to, on average, be from families with higher socioeconomic status.

Accepting that as merely the natural course for a treatment provider ignores that it’s unclear whether that level of education and credentials is needed at all levels of mental health services. Doctors vary in their training. Even among nurses, there are Nurse Practioners who sometimes have doctorates all the way to Certified Nursing Assistants who have about 6 credit hours of training with a skills test and lower requirements to continue certification. Nurses were considered optional and largely unpaid at the beginning of their modern history but quickly became indispensable parts of the medical system.

It’s interesting that mental health hasn’t created a similar system but not unsurprising given it’s roots in the West with wealthy men for whom it was largely a matter of curiosity - the first experiments were in sensory experimentation not treatment. That therapy as an institution continues to make that the bar for even becoming someone allowed to give mental health treatment is not a matter of quality assurance but rather a sign that therapy is still considered optional health care. Many therapists recommend calling hotlines when they’re not on the clock yet most hotlines are staffed by unpaid volunteers with minimal training. And anyone who has called one can tell you how unbelievably hit or miss they are. 

Mental health services rest on this very shaky foundation in part because they refuse to reexamine the degree they want people to be credentialed and it can stay shaky in part because it’s not considered a necessary service the same way other fields of health care are. Saying “just go get a therapist” is basically saying “only someone with multiple credentials is fit to answer this question” without stopping to consider whether that’s truly the case.

Not all upsetting personal experiences require a therapist and continuing to recommend it in all areas of emotional exchange institutionalizes labor that we should be doing for each other to build solidarity outside of the current system.

This one is pretty straight forward. Constantly referring people to commercial solutions for labor we historically provided communally undermines our ability to build systems and solidarity outside of those economic forces. Not everyone needs a therapist for what they’re going through. Community care needs to make a comeback.

So what do to do instead? 

Don’t reply. Examine whether you need to reply to the person at all. If you cannot give them advice on the subject matter they’re looking for without mentioning therapy then it might be worth skipping altogether. Often when people jump to say “what about therapy” it’s more a sign of their discomfort with the topic and their need to feel useful. Other people’s distress is not the place to be working out your hang ups and trying to feel good about yourself. Reflect instead. 

Speak from the “I”. Share your personal experiences about what did and didn’t help. Share that you care about them. Share your personal perspective. 

Resources. Consider pointing toward widely available or cheap resources you found helpful for this particular topic. Tag someone who might have those resources if you don’t. If you want to include more expensive options, be sure to include the price up front. 

Ask if they feel comfortable sharing more about what they’re already doing. Even if they don’t share that they’re in therapy, skip the conversation with strangers and broach it carefully with people you have a relationship with. If they share more, it might help you see how much they’re already doing and you’re less likely to recommend things they’ve already tried. 

Offer to listen. Say you don’t have answers or recommendation but you’re down to listen if they want to vent. If you go this route, having a little bit of familiarity with active listening can really help. 

whatsupbeanie:

My parents don’t have a garden anymore but Mama’s love for plants will never go away - so every small apartment they live in always has a billion pots. Last time I visited - they had a little pot of strawberry plants and my dad brought some berries to me just like he used to do when I was very little. Everyone always brought me lil snacks cause I was the baby :’)

thotsfortherapy:

everyone always talks about setting boundaries with other people, but we need to talk about setting boundaries with yourself. it can be things as simple as, “I’m not going to work past 8 because I need to unwind before bed” or “I’m going to go on a daily walk because it’s good for my mental health.” But it can also be things like, “I’m not going to talk to this person anymore because it’s bad for me” or “I refuse to settle for this because I know my worth.” when you learn what is healthy for you and what you want out of this life, embrace it. give yourself guidelines that will help you grow.

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