This will burn your skin wtf. Don’t use this unless you have a carrier oil and only use a few drops of essential oil in it. Stuff like this is dangerous.
Anyway as long as I’m yammering: I think vanilla sex would honestly benefit from adopting the green/yellow/red safeword convention used in kink. Like, the idea is that kink needs it because they’re doing kinky things, but a lot of it’s just, like, “is this new thing okay?” “do you want to keep going?” “is this too much too fast?” which is pretty relevant anytime. To someone with very little sexual experience, just doing sex stuff at all is as dicey a proposition as kinky stuff is for others, so I think this would be a welcome convention.
What makes safewords clever is that they recognize that sexual encounters happen within a distinct “space” and set up interrupts that explicitly lie outside that space and can’t possibly be mistaken for anything within it. This cleanly sidesteps a lot of the communication and deniability issues people talk about.
What I think gets in the way of this is the obsession with naturalistic, intuitive sex. Safewords are super constructed and artificial-feeling, and while kink and especially BDSM has to accept that as inevitable since the artificiality is essential to what it is, I feel like there’s this conception from the vanilla direction that the artificiality itself cheapens sex somehow. All the ideals of good vanilla sex are built around spontaneity, intuition, and natural bonding, which means that explicit safety systems or barriers between the social and sexual domains are emblematic of “deficient” sexual chemistry or technique. To continue the analogy above, the idea of having or needing a discrete “sexual space” is considered undesirable in vanilla. This attitude is a problem even in kink, but kink is naturally stigmatized and deals with some serious shit even by sexual standards, so they did at least come up with good solutions even if they aren’t always applied wisely.
never be afraid to put your man in his place by spitting cum back at him like a disrespectful camel. learned that one at a catholic prep school for mentally disturbed yet beautiful brunette empaths.
Let’s end ASAW with a new survey I have been working on. I’ve decided to have a survey on one aspect of aromantic identity that I haven’t seen discussed, which is preferences towards sexual relationships.
Who this survey is aimed at: any aromantic above the age of 18 can participate, but I am particularly interested in aros who experience sexual attraction or sexual desires, aros who have previous experiences with sexual relationships, and aros who are curious about sex in general. This includes sex favorable aroaces, but also aro who tried sex and decided it was not for them, or sex repulsed aroallos. You can participate if you have no sexual experience.
What this will ask you: general demographic questions, whether you have previous sexual experiences (prefer not to say is an allowed option), what relationship dynamics do you or would you prefer to have with a sexual partner (committed or not, qprs, fwb, etc.), and a few personal opinions on how aromanticism relates to sexuality.
What this will NOT ask you: any details about preferred sexual positions, acts or kinks, any details about your sexual fantasies, any information about your sexual partners, or any identifying personal information.
The survey does not accept participants under the age of 18. I ask anyone below that age (or below the age of adulthood in your country) not to participate, although you may of course share the link to the survey with others if you want.
You might be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere
- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting
- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like
- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.
- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.
- You really do “just know.”
You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to
- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.
- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one
- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.
- You just don’t know.
If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.
If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.
If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.
(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)
These types of lists are always so helpful!
A big one too, I think is, you may fantasize, but the people in your fantasies are never YOU. They’re fictional characters or your OCs but they’re never you specifically. And if they are it’s an idealized version of you.
That top list makes me realize I’ve never experienced any of that, it’s kinda like when I stumbled into an ask Reddit about what sexual attraction felt like and I went “yeah, I have never felt THAT way and whatever I feel isn’t sexual attraction”
here it is, the info I’ve always wanted to see, breaking down attraction vs not-attraction in intense, analytical detail
Here’s a few more for aces who do experience aesthetic attraction and who aren’t repulsed, because goodness knows these are the ones that confused me when I was figuring things out.
If you have sexual fantasies that involve things being in a certain situation or having things done to you, but you aren’t visualizing anything or imagining specific people, you might not experience sexual attraction
If you’ve ever had the thought “masturbation is better than sex because it is more efficient and skips the boring bits,” you might not experience sexual attraction.
If you find someone attractive, but the thought of seeing them with their clothes off isn’t more attractive, it probably isn’t sexual attraction. (A naked body is just a naked body. But people are so lovely when in a look they’ve picked out to express themselves.)
If you occasionally notice body parts considered sexual and think they look nice, but do not want to do anything sexual related to those parts, it might not be sexual attraction. (I will occasionally think someone has nice boobs or a nice butt, and I assumed that was sexual attraction for a long time. But I’ve learned that for allo people, thinking those things leads to them having a response of “therefore I want to tap that” which is absolutely baffling to me. Also, again, those thoughts don’t lead to “and therefore I want to see them without clothing.”
If your response to something that seems to be making others horny is very similar to your response to those videos of “oddly satisfying” things, it might not be sexual attraction.
You know what I’m just going to say it, the whole “sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good ;) ” thing is really only true for cishet men and there’s a reason the only people I’ve heard saying that phrase are cishet men.
Of course I’m only talking about consensual sex here, not sexual assault or coerced encounters. But the number of women, nb’s, and mlm I know who have had (completely consensual and not forced or coerced) sex so terrible they were bleeding from a torn vagina and/or anus afterwards, they were crying afterwards because the sex was so terrible and their partner was so demeaning and disrespectful, idk I’ve never had ripped orifices or cried in pain or cried from feeling so disrespected from pizza.
Thinking “sex is like pizza” comes from a place of privilege, of living in a world where society’s narrative around sex is all about catering to your comfort and desires, often at the expense of your sexual partners.
catch me trying to phrase a Google search for some quick The Blood Enigma research like “how important is blood in sex”. I’m going to bite my laptop monitor.
Ah. I’m now in the “science fiction is actually fantasy” part of worldbuilding for this urban fantasy novel, but i do not understand science.
[image description: screencap of some Discord messages between me and a friend that read: Me: it’s driving me insane i want to bite someone. i’ve figured that since blood rushing to the surface makes your skin more sensitive, remy won’t experience the “hot flush” of arousal and so on, but like .. how do i even google search this stuff? so instead im agonising over what arousal actually is. / Friend: Learn sex education again but delete the blood? / Me, in all caps: Literally /end ID]
catch me trying to phrase a Google search for some quick The Blood Enigma research like “how important is blood in sex”. I’m going to bite my laptop monitor.
The thing about using Captain Holt as a reaction image is you don’t know if he’s saying “I’m so disappointed in you for making that joke” or “This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, I can barely contain the laughter.”
![[cw: drug use, sex, self harm, blood, etc] A little vent poem/comic about struggling with bpd that’s](https://64.media.tumblr.com/fd7f759422a3b1a4e7d251681fe38a07/3d97de46f430c09d-63/s1280x1920/64fb5a6eb3d2517ff9ccbb83949c2ffc4c814475.png "[cw: drug use, sex, self harm, blood, etc] A little vent poem/comic about struggling with bpd that’s")
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![[cw: drug use, sex, self harm, blood, etc] A little vent poem/comic about struggling with bpd that’s](https://64.media.tumblr.com/d28cabdd12a78bcd3e91496c5b4a4f78/3d97de46f430c09d-c4/s1280x1920/6a99784b0c6468c338591264cdf5ea93e3c73819.png "[cw: drug use, sex, self harm, blood, etc] A little vent poem/comic about struggling with bpd that’s")
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