Me: I’m chronically ill which makes me disabled. I managed to adjust my life so I can live as comfortably as possible, which means I don’t work, being poor, and not doing much. Sometimes I have to sleep all day, sometimes I go on hikes with my dog, sometimes I exist, sometimes I want to kill myself. That’s my life and I’m okay with it.
Ppl: BbUuuTTt — ThAt soUndS dEpreSSinNngG!
Ppl: buTtT — I COulDn'TttT lIvE liKe thIsS!
Ppl: BbuUUTtTtT — iSn’T tHEre ANyThiNg THaT caNn bE DoNe tO chAnGe YOur depREssIng stAte?
Ppl: bUuuUtT — LivE iS abOUt LIVING, NOT EXISTING!
Ppl: buTT — hOw cAn yOu LIvee LikE tHat?
Ppl: buTttTTTTT — DoNt be So neGaTiVe, if IT wAsS mE, I WouLd bE mORe HopEFuLl, That thEre WiLL Be a CuRe, AND My dePreSsIng LIfesTyLe WoUlD eNd.
Ppl: BUttT — YOure SUCH AN INSPIRATION!!! I wOuLdvE kIlleD MYsElf By NoW!
Me: Well, at this point we should think about who is the really negative person in this conversation.
Ppl:
Ppl:
Ppl:
Ppl: Yeah, no, you’re negative, saying you’re disabled is negative, disability is okay in and of itself, but don’t call yourself disabled, because that’s so negative, not having goals and not accomplishing anything in life is a wasted life, contributing to society is important, you’re so poor for not seeing how you’re wasting your life, you should really try to change something, although I admire you, because I would have killed myself by now, just saying.
i have literally been thinking about almost nothing but suicide for days on end. this post itself has taken hours to write because its borderline impossible to compose a sentence that isnt “i should just die”. im not good and im not doing well. nothing is good and i dont want any of it any more. im gonna call somebody i guess but i dont know if thats realistically gonna change anything or just postpone these thoughts. like speaking to a mental health line at this point just feels like a snooze button. i feel like i am losing myself and my grip on the world
every time i see people talking about 3rd life like “oh yeah i never finished it i couldn’t really get into it” or whatever i’m like yeah that’s because you didn’t consume it the optimal way of watching grian’s entire series in one sitting, becoming rapidly attached to desert duo and then sitting there staring at the screen in shock after he kills himself
A reporter recently asked me about what harm I may have caused as a pain management physician who prescribes opioids. As I reflected on my last 10 years in this field, my response was that the harms I may have caused were because I underprescribed these drugs, not overprescribed them.
I thought of a 25-year-old patient, I’ll call him John, whose sciatic nerve was crushed in a motor vehicle accident, causing excruciating pain in his leg. We knew this would be a life-long injury, and that he would likely have to live with chronic pain. We tried everything I could think of — nerve medications, mindfulness techniques, desensitization, rehabilitation techniques, cognitive therapy, nerve blocks, and spinal cord stimulation — except opioids. John continued to suffer immensely from the debilitating pain, and eventually died by suicide.
Did he die because I undertreated his pain due to my own fear of prescribing chronic, potentially high-dose opioids in a young patient? I cannot know, but I worry and fear that this may be true.
In 2016, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published prescribing guidelines for opioids. Though intended to encourage best practices in opioid prescribing, these guidelines fueled providers’ fears of opioids and led to many clinicians abandoning patients who relied on opioids for pain relief. Although even pain specialists like me share fears and doubts about what role these medications play in managing chronic pain, so-called legacy patients are not the same as those who have never taken opioids before, as a colleague and I explained in The New England Journal of Medicine. (Read more at link)
@modern-mint blending ideas from the shitty 2020 remake along with the original book because moffat and gatiss can suck my balls
the setting: 19th century europe. jonathan harker, a real estate agent, is engaged to mina murray, but before their wedding he is sent on a trip to transylvania to sell a client a home in london.
on the way to his client’s home, he meets a few superstitious townspeople who warn him against traveling into the mountains. but jonathan is a man of Modern Science so who needs superstition, am i right ladies?
anyway, his client’s house is in the mountains.
when he enters, he’s introduced to his client, an old man named count dracula, who seems to take a liking to him. jonathan is simultaneously put off and put at ease in this house– wait did i say house? i meant castle. bigass castle. castles are gay
some weird things start happen while jonathan is staying. first of all, what’s with all the wolves constantly circling the place? why are there no mirrors? sure, the count is pretty cool, he seems to get nicer and more charming every day, but why does jonathan constantly feel like the guy is watching him? and WHY does he sleep during the day??
(you know why and i know why but jonathan does not know why)
the wolves are keeping jonathan inside. he isn’t able to go home and he’s starting to feel like a prisoner in this castle. to top it off, jonathan has these crazy dreams… about a certain count… doing kinda sexy things… but jonathan is not gay! no homo! remember he has a female fiancee!
the count is no longer old. he’s… young. and…… hot. like really hot. like actually maybe jonathan is a little bit gay
but he’s also being held captive so he should probably be a little productive about this
he does some snooping and uhh… dracula like sleeps in a box of dirt? and he has a polycule of these hot vampires who all seem *really* interested in jonathan? and also dracula seems to want to ummm EAT HIM so
when jonathan confronts dracula, he and dracula have a sexy little *bite sesh* and dracula asks jonathan to come with him to london to help him understand english culture better. is that a proposal? well, if it is, jonathan doesn’t want to be part of it. how can he go back to london and see mina again now that he’s in love with someone else? and not just someone else, a GUY? hell no.
jonathan escapes from the castle by jumping from the cliff and into a river, only surviving thanks to his new VAMPIRE STRENGTH
he’s found by a convent of nuns downstream who nurse him back to health. one of them, sister agatha, seems especially curious about him, and she takes his account of his stay at the castle. she also reveals that while jonathan was recovering, mina (remember her? his wife!) got in contact with the convent and she’s here too!
mina is happy to see jonathan alive but jonathan is more than a little ashamed, especially when he almost bites her after being starved for so long
but they don’t have time to dwell on it because surprise surprise dracula is looking for jonathan and he is out for blood if you catch my drift get it because he is a vampire and he drinks blood he is out for blood
sister agatha confronts dracula because guess what she’s agatha van helsing and she’s been studying vampires for YEARS get got son
dracula breaks into the convent and kills so many nuns. while agatha and mina hide away, he finds jonathan… a little too late, after jonathan has committed suicide to keep mina safe from his own animal urges
:) oh no dracula is mad
dracula finds agatha and mina and he is AMGRY. instead of killing them, he turns them into vampires, so they can suffer just like jonathan did
he leaves the convent and continues his original plan to go to england. unbeknownst to him, agatha and mina have followed him! they trap him in a coffin and sink him to the bottom of the sea off the coast of england
the world is safe… for a few hundred years
until some idiot scuba divers decide to open the box up, that is
dracula wanders into modern-day london and is confused as all fuck. look at all this technology! everyone has cameras! everyone… smells so good
but while dracula has been in a box underwater, mina and agatha have been busy. they start the jonathan harker foundation, which is dedicated to locating and curing vampires, with agatha heading the science side and mina heading the business side. when they realize that dracula has escaped from his box, they know it’s go time and they start to track him down
also agatha and mina are married i don’t make the rules
they track dracula to where he’s been hiding with vampire fangirl lucy westenra. since they need to keep a low profile to keep her safe, they enlist the help of her three boyfriends– dr john seward, quincey morris, and arthur holmwood– to break into her house in an attempt to save her life
well… turns out she’s already a vampire
she nearly kills her boyfriends but with the help of mina and agatha they are able to subdue lucy. but oh no! she was only a distraction! dracula escaped!
mina stays with lucy and the boys to bring her back to life while agatha goes after dracula
this is it. all of agatha’s research over the past 100 years has led her to this. she and dracula have a hella cool showdown, where he uses all of his superhuman vampire strength (and a little thing called a handgun) and she uses her superior intellect and she straight up home alones his ass until the sun comes up
as the sun rises, dracula remembers jonathan, and how he promised to share a london sunrise with him when they were married. now he’s alone. he gives up and is burned alive in the light of the sun
agatha may have won, but she’s very badly wounded. she limps back to lucy’s house, where dr seward heals her, and she and mina share a kiss now that their life’s work is finished
a few years pass. lucy, cured of vampirism, inherits the jonathan harker foundation as agatha and mina commit suicide together, having lived long fulfilling lives
English translation of NJPW’s press conference re: Ibushi situation LINK
Summary:
- Kota’s text screenshots were genuine, njpw has apologized and the official who sent them will receive a penalty (TBD, but they are considering transferring him to a different position)
- a higher up at njpw had a meeting with Kota after the texts (not knowing their full extent) in which the issue of his appearing at another company’s show without permission was discussed and resolved (tho not the issue of Kota being threatened with contract termination over text bc the higher up says he did not know of it at this time)
- Kota’s tweets were made just a day after his mother’s suicide attempt, which explains their tone
- Kota’s tweets discussing internal company matters were a breach of contract and he will receive a penalty (salary reduction)
- NJPW says they hope Ibushi will continue his relationship with the company but rn his priority is taking care of his mother and recovering from his injury, and they suggest his role in the company may not involve wrestling for a while but instead meeting with fans and doing signings and things like that
- they say they will be actively engaging with Kota to improve company policy and ensure something like this does not happen in the future
- they say Kota’s contract is not terminated and it’s their understanding that he means to return to in-ring action once he has healed
- every part of the press conference was discussed with Kota and agreed upon beforehand (mitch: they didnt include the date of his mother’s attempted suicide in the initial release and he prompted them to do so on twitter, which they then did)
Lingering issues not addressed:
- Kota’s assertion that he was pressured to return to the ring before being fully healed
- under this explanation Kota’s mother’s suicide attempt (may 9th) is the result of hearing that Kota was upset (may 8th) with njpw after being threatened with his contract being terminated (march), which seems like maybe not the full story
- I personally would like to hear Kota say that he wants to return to njpw instead of just njpw saying this
Another update: Kota’s response to the press conference LINK
Paul has since deleted this tweet. But since he does not care that he probably just ruined a transgender person’s life, of course he’s made no public apology. Well, not last I checked.
Also the 4chan person that pushed it literally said he knew that person had no involvement in it but wanted to get them bullied and hopefully lead to them committing suicide.
These are the people that republicans push conspiracy theories from.
[Image ID: a screenshot of a tweet (from May 24, 2022) from user oneunderscore_ reading “This false “shooter was trans" rumor going around the far-right is from a 4chan thread that links to a completely uninvolved person on Reddit who is still alive, doesn’t live in Texas, and obviously had nothing to do with the shooting.” With the tweet is a screenshot of a tweet from user DrPaulGosar, which reads “We know already fool. It’s a transsexual alien named Salvatore Ramos. It’s apparently your kind of trash.” DrPaulGosar is himself quote tweeting a deleted tweet. End ID]
Rei’s mother’s death was unfortunately from suicide. She was alone in life, the only person who she had was Rei and her father (Rei’s grandpa). It had only really started when she was pregnant with Rei, as happy as she was to have a baby, her husband was more distant everyday. When Rei was born she knew she couldn’t feel this way in front of her, as lonely and fragile she felt, she tried to be the best mother and care for her baby. When Rei was five her mother could no longer take life anymore as much as she loved Rei and Rei loved her, she ended it all recording a video to Rei the person she loved most.
don’t you know it’s not good for your hair to wash it every day. you have to use sulfate and paraben free shampoo. you have to wash your hair with conditioner instead. you should stop washing your hair for a month because actually your scalp has the natural ability to maintain itself. greasy hair can make your acne worse so make sure you wash it every day. you have to use this three step regiment on your face EVERY SINGLE night. buy this $70 serum and use it with the 10 other serums you have but don’t combine them. don’t use anything on your face except a gentle cleanser and moisturizer. do NOT use moisturizer on your face you are DESTROYING your skins natural moisture barrier! acne is just for teenagers you’ll grow out of it :) oh no but adult acne is sooooo common. just take birth control and your acne will go away. cut out all sugar and dairy and your acne will go away. actually those studies are fake, get light therapy treatments instead. take accutane and your acne will go away, only a couple of those kids killed themselves! shave your armpits because it looks better. if you shave your armpits you’re not a feminist. actually shaving your armpits is for HYGIENE. wax your legs. wax your bikini line. but waxing any part of your body can give you ugly ingrown hairs and permanently damage your skin and follicles and besides that’s the patriarchy. (but get laser hair removal instead.) don’t have an eating disorder because that’s too much but definitely do intermittent fasting. don’t eat carbs. don’t eat sugar. don’t eat fat. actually your brain uses carbs as its main energy source. actually fat is necessary but only good fat. you have to DRINK MORE WATER!!! drinking 8 glasses of water per day is a myth. burn fat and get toned by doing these exercises. but cellulite is natural and 99% of women have it so you HAVE to embrace it. take diet pills. ummm don’t you know those are meth?? take NATURAL diet supplements for weight loss. take THESE vitamins to cure your depression and clear your skin and make you better at sex and make your vision better and speed up your metabolism and make your digestion better and make you focus better. i know the ONLY right answer but you have to pay me for it. follow my blog! listen to my podcast! subscribe to my email newsletter! buy my snake oil!!
These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila freshie who committed suicide after being advised to file a Leave of Absence (LOA) because she cannot pay the tuition fee.
“Iskolar” ng Bayan ang tawag sa atin ngunit bakit marami pa rin ang hindi nakakatamasa ng magandang edukasyon? To think na state university ang UP, bakit hindi magawa maging flexible ng admin regarding sa ganitong policies? Kinabukasan ng mga estudyante ang nakasalalay, ngayon may kinuha pang isang buhay.
So 5 years ago, I tried to kill myself and during my stay in the hospital is when I first really met Loki and started working with him. The anniversary of the last time I cut and the day I met Loki coincide on the 3rd of March.
I am also a big stuffed animal fan- they help my anxiety and prevent me from picking during the night. I love Build a Bears and have been asking FOR YEARS for them to do a Loki one.
Guess what released last night online?
It’s a tiny bit late, but an awesome anniversary gift all the same. :)
“When Daddy comes in, he carries you to bed. Is there anything you feel like you could eat, Pokey? Anything at all?
All you can imagine putting in your mouth is a cold plum, one with really tight skin on the outside but gum-shocking sweetness inside. And he and your mother discuss where he might find some this late in the season. Mother says hell I don’t know. Further north, I’d guess.
The next morning, you wake up in your bed and sit up. Mother says, Pete, I think she’s up. He hollers in, You ready for breakfast, Pokey. Then he comes in grinning, still in his work clothes from the night before. He’s holding a farm bushel. The plums he empties onto the bed river toward you through folds in the quilt. If you stacked them up, they’d fill the deepest bin at the Piggly Wiggly.
Damned if I didn’t get the urge to drive to Arkansas last night, he says.
Your mother stands behind him saying he’s pure USDA crazy.
Fort Smith, Arkansas. Found a roadside stand out there with a feller selling plums. And I says, Buddy, I got a little girl sick back in Texas. She’s got a hanker for plums and ain’t nothing else gonna do.
It’s when you sink your teeth into the plum that you make a promise. The skin is still warm from riding in the sun in Daddy’s truck, and the nectar runs down your chin.
And you snap out of it. Or are snapped out of it. Never again will you lay a hand against yourself, not so long as there are plums to eat and somebody-anybody-who gives enough of a damn to haul them to you. So long as you bear the least nibblet of love for any other creature in this dark world, though in love portions are never stingy. There are no smidgens or pinches, only rolling abundance. That’s how you acquire the resolution for survival that the coming years are about to demand. You don’t earn it. It’s given.”
excerpt from Cherry by Mary Karr, context being after a suicide attempt at age 13
(Enormous disclaimer this is about how I handle a specific flavor of brain problems, this is NOT about passively dealing with current external events)
I grew up in and around water to the extent that as a child I was deeply confused by the concept of people needing swimming lessons (…I was a child!!). I learned all about water safety, what to do when caught in rip tides, how to dive through big waves, etc.
It wasn’t much help the one time I was bowled over by a fuck off big wave. The waves behind it were perfectly spaced such that every time I managed to reach the surface, another wave would crash down over me again. This was before my chronic illness became severe- I was 19-20 or so, living in Hawai'i and swimming and hiking regularly, so I was a strong swimmer, but since I never surfed, I didn’t have any experience with wipeouts. I couldn’t do anything.
If you’ve never been hit by a big wave, it’s not just like being knocked over. It isn’t just the force and weight of the wave hitting you. The water above doesn’t stop moving when it meets the water below- it spins you rapidly around and around underwater, and there’s not much you can do but wait it out and hope you don’t get knocked about into anything hard. It’s disorienting, it hurts, and you’re powerless.
Getting my head slammed into rocks or coral was my main fear at the time. I can hold my breath. I can go limp to conserve my energy until the right time. Other injuries could be survived… but if I got knocked out, that would be it. I had no control over that, though, so all I could do was hold my breath and go limp and hope that I’d get an opportunity to break out of the cycle of waves. It felt like it would never end.
Obviously it did, and eventually I made it back to shore uninjured, crawled over to my stuff, and went immediately to sleep on the sand.
The thing about this incident is, rather than being a traumatic memory, I find it deeply comforting and soothing to think about when I’m having a bad time. It’s not a technique I can really suggest to others, but it’s so helpful for me. Sometimes I get stressed about things that can be changed, externally or internally- then it’s important to work towards change. Sometimes, when it’s internal brain problems stuff, I need to actively manage things.
But sometimes my brain is a dumpster fire that is frankly above my paygrade to handle, and it’s overwhelming and I can’t talk myself through it and it feels like it will never end, and then I think about those waves, and how painful and scary it was, and how sometimes the correct action is to go limp and wait until the waves pass. It won’t be pleasant and I will hurt and I will be afraid of drowning the entire time, but eventually the worst of it will subside and I’ll be able to resurface and take a breath again. And then I’ll take a huge nap.
(also the ocean is beautiful and nice to picture, even in a scary context!!!!)
![marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila](https://64.media.tumblr.com/be42879766783857d656be2ef6923637/tumblr_mjphvuASxQ1qhyni4o3_1280.jpg "marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila")
![marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a01c96d7727b8ceb87f84c3fe61c0cfb/tumblr_mjphvuASxQ1qhyni4o1_1280.jpg "marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila")
![marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila](https://64.media.tumblr.com/c32f93da740bd1056e566d7516a3b43f/tumblr_mjphvuASxQ1qhyni4o4_1280.jpg "marcedwrd:These photos were taken at the candle lighting ceremony for [name redacted], a UP Manila")
