#sex discussion
“But isn’t having sex with people that you’re not in love with cruel and manipulative?”
Translation: I love recycling SWERF rhetoric in order to shit on aromantic people.
Sex and romance repulsion don’t always follow logical rules. It’s normal if your repulsion is strong sometimes and weak or gone other times. It’s normal if it only shows up in very specific circumstances. It’s normal if it’s not predictable when it shows up.
Ace people can feel however they want about sex and none of it invalidates their orientation.
“Sex positivity” can be a confusing name because it sounds like it means “sex is always great and everyone should have it”. I think a lot of people get misled by that.
It’s the antithesis of “sex negativity”, which is the idea that sex is uniquely powerful and dangerous and morally laden among all human behaviours. That there’s a special moral virtue in being ignorant about sex, a virtue that you lose when you learn about or have it. That you can be kind to someone, cruel to them, save their life, or kill them, but that won’t change who you are nearly so much as if you have sex with them. It’s the idea that outside of very specific moral boundaries, sex is fundamentally immoral and degrading, no matter how its participants feel about it. That it’s fundamentally wrong to feel sexual desire, to entertain sexual fantasies, to seek sexual pleasure, or to reach orgasm, unless you’re in one of the very limited set of moral parameters that make that okay. Those parameters are usually things like whether the people involved are married or in a committed relationship, whether they’re the right sex/gender, whether it’s for the right motivation (some people think “only for procreation” and others think “never for money”) and whether the sex act is one society approves of.
And there’s a very specific set of societal expectations: Of course everybody WANTS sex, that’s what’s healthy and normal, and unless you’re very weird or very special, of course you will try as hard as you can to enter a relationship like marriage where sex is allowable so you CAN have it. Once you do that, you basically owe it to the person you’re married to TO have sex. It’s because everybody wants sex so much that we need all these rules! Obviously WITHOUT these rules, people would run mad and make all kinds of big mistakes, because people can’t tell for themselves what’s right or wrong.
Sex positivity doesn’t take the opposite tack and say that sex is always good. Rather, its basic principle is that sex is ordinary.It’s like anything else humans do, like eating or sleeping or speaking or touching people. It’s value-neutral. People get to decide how they feel about it and whether they want to have it. If we make a society built on sex-positive principles, the average person will have enough information and empathy to be able to make the choices that feel right for them and others.
Sex positivity means understanding that if someone doesn’t want to have sex, that’s their absolute right, and it has the same moral weight as if they do want to have sex.
Sex positivity means that if someone has sex, the most important thing is whether they genuinely understand what sex is, what its risks are, what their rights are, and how to make it safe and pleasurable–and whether, knowing all these things, they have freely chosen to have this sex at this moment. The same goes for anyone else involved in the sex. Sex-positive sex with other people depends on valuing everyone involved; everyone involved has to be able to form their own opinions, make their own decisions, and have their own needs and wishes respected.
We don’t currently live in a sex-positive society. A society where being attractive or sexy is mandatory, where promiscuous sex is viewed as compulsory, and where people are shamed and punished for not wanting to have sex, is not actually sex-positive. And the sex-positive movement itself, sex-positive people, can miss the mark and fail to live up to their own principles, by not making space for people who need the freedom to express very different desires and boundaries.
The key to sexual liberation is not the “sex” part. It’s the “liberation” part. It’s about giving everyone the same freedom.
(Rules: If you want to argue with me you need to send me $20 to pay for the research and analysis it will take to seriously engage with you; otherwise, make your own post. No accusing me or anyone else of being a sexual predator without proof. No death threats, suicide bait, or invocations of harm like “I hope you die”/”somebody ought to kill you”)
Bisexual positivity blogs have big problems about throwing polyamorous people under the bus. We are both blamed for creating stereotypes about bisexual people being nonmonogamous and for oppressing them by wanting to have threesomes with them. To set things straight: we did not produce the stereotypes, monogamous heterosexuals who could not fathom bisexuality did and polyamorous people are not the cause of fetishizing bisexuality, it is monogamous heterosexuals treating bisexual and pansexual people like human sex toys who did. We are not the enemies of the bisexual community and they need to stop throwing us under the bus.
This is so important, folks. We need to always make sure the blame is placed squarely at the feet of heteronormative society, rather than throwing others under the bus.
We can be upset about the stereotypes without implying that it’s dirty or wrong to fulfill stereotypes. The problem is always with people who assume things about you due to stereotypes and ignore you as an individual, not with the stereotyped thing itself.
So do polyamory, have threesomes, be promiscuous if that floats your boat. Because really, no amount of “respectability” will make straight people stop hating us. WE don’t have to prove that we’re good bis and we’re just like them - THEY have to learn to respect our differences and treat us like human beings even if we’re not like them. Liberation, not assimilation, and no leaving anyone behind.
You can be sex repulsed and sex positive. Sex repulsion is an involuntary reaction to sexual situations personally involving you, it’s not a judgment on others sex lives.
Sex positivity is acknowledging that sex can be positive and healthy for the people doing it, and not judging people for their sexual choices so long as they’re not causing any harm. This means allowing people who choose not to have sex to have their autonomy respected as well.
