Living as a romance repulsed aro often feels being a dog kept under the logic of owning a fish. The pet owner keeps wondering why the dog tries so damn hard to keep afloat and get out of the tank. Fish Are Pets So Are Dogs And Fish Need Water And Surely That Means Dogs Do Too, so they keep putting the dog back in the tank and submerging it because Fish Need it To Live. It’s not even malicious, because they think this is what will help you, but the end result is still that I am Not A Fish and that water is Suffocating Me.
All photos are my own, please credit if you re-use!
[Image description: a 3 by 3 moodboard. The top row has from left to right a photo of green and red leaves with dappled sunlight, a shady tree with dark green leaves, and finally a close up on a light green leaf. The middle row has a photo of a pink rose bulb behind dark green leaves on the left and a photo of sunlight above a blanket of white clouds on the right. The middle has the romance repulsed aro flag, which is the aro flag (dark green, light green, white, grey, black from top to bottom) with a round pink circle with a minus sign in it over dark grey on the left. The bottom row from left to right is a photo of white shells in a dark space, a close up on a black cat’s nose, and finally trees in front of a light grey cloudy sky. End description.]
this one is for you. if the thought of romance squicks you out, if you just don’t want to think about romantic behaviors—you are valid. you exist, and you are important, and what you want has always and will forever continue to matter.
[ID: The “is this a pigeon” meme. "Alloros" points at “romance” and asks, is this… -personal growth? -a redemption arc? -character development? -mental health recovery? -the meaning of life? -a solution to my problems? -the foundation of my self worth? -my only conversation topic? -a happy ending? -an interesting plotline? End ID.]
Sex and romance repulsion don’t always follow logical rules. It’s normal if your repulsion is strong sometimes and weak or gone other times. It’s normal if it only shows up in very specific circumstances. It’s normal if it’s not predictable when it shows up.
Romance and sex repulsed aroace culture is really enjoying aro lovecore because it feels like reclaiming something that usually is really negative for you
Here’s your friendly reminder for the day that each aro falls somewhere on on the romance favourable/neutral/repulsed scale, and that it’s different for everyone. No aro deserves to be shamed for wanting to engage in romantic relationships despite the absence of attraction. That being said, there is also nothing wrong with never wanting to be in a romantic relationship and being repulsed by the idea. For those in the middle and those who fluctuate; that’s super awesome and valid as heck. Let me repeat: everyone is different in relation to that scale. Don’t judge others because you may not understand or relate to their unique position. Period.
for me romance repulsion is less “oh gross people kissing, that’s so disgusting” and far more “oh my god that guy I’ve been friendly with in class just asked me out and now I think I’m having a panic attack because I don’t fucking want to be in this situation”
it’s taken me a long time to realize that I have that reaction because I specifically don’t like the ridged rules and assumptions frequently made in a Romantic Relationship™. you’re supposed to feel a certain way, act a certain way, and do certain things in a certain order with implications on the seriousness of the relationship. I’m aromantic, so feelings are vauge, changing, and unreliable as a foundation for a relationship. I’m autistic, so social rules and assumptions are a nightmare. what if I want to do things out of order? what if I decide I don’t like something anymore? what if I don’t see something as a ‘step forward’?
and it’s possible, but so hard to fit all these accommodations into a romantic relationship, and that’s before you add that I’m also poly and I don’t view relationships as a hierarchy. my friendships are as important to me as any other relationship. I don’t see romantic relationships as special or unique in any way, they simply ask for a different kind of commitment. traditional relationships just don’t make sense for me
in a romantic relationship, I feel trapped and misunderstood. I feel like I’m lying and being lied to simultaneously. but if you take the same level of commitment, the same ‘romantic’ activities, but this time built on a foundation of communication and respect? if each step is chosen because it makes sense for our needs and wants, rather than following an outline for how it ‘should’ work? if I’m allowed and expected to change, if it’s known and accepted that my feelings are unreliable, my attraction is nonexistent, and I’m not expected to perform alloromanticism or allistic behavior to stroke my partner’s ego? all of a sudden I’m comfortable
romance repulsion can take a lot of forms. some people experience it very differently—but it can also be far more specific and arbitrary than most people would assume.
I hate the fact that I’m expected to understand why people want/like/enjoy/are happy because/are sad because they can’t get romance. I hate the fact that I’m expected to understand why the happy couple is happy just because they’re romantic, and I’m supposed to immediately connect with the fact of whatever the hell alloros associate romance with. That I’m expected to be able to understand and sympathise with people being sad about not having romance, because I’m supposed to understand what a (supposed, apparent) “tragedy” it is to not have romance when you’re alloro, even tho I’m aro and I don’t understand. I hate that when I see romance in media, advertising, artwork, or people’s lives even that I’m expected to just understand it. I don’t. I hate the expectation to experience something I don’t: an understanding of romance/alloros. Because, regardless of if I could potentially learn to understand, the fact is I’m coming from a place where I don’t, and yet I’m expected to already.
one of the things that makes me dislike romance is the exclusivity of monoamory, not that polyamory can’t be closed relationships as well but at least those can be open. prefer the idea of people being in open relationships, makes me calmer.. can’t explain why but yeah. it’s more similar to platonic relationships i guess, which make sense to me. i don’t like or need this other type of relationship to exist where it can be exclusive. idk if exclusivity is a thing that can exist in platonic relationships but i wouldn’t like it. it’s less anxiety inducing to think of people not caring who else people they interact with (partners, friends, etc) are involved with, the idea of exclusivity is just weird and alien and uncomfortable to me.
