#spider noir
Peni, setting down a card: “Ace of Spades”
Gwen, nodding and pulling out an uno card:“+4”
Miles, throwing down a pokemon card: “Jolteon, I choose you!”
Noir, trembling, on the verge of tears: “What the fuck are we playing?”
Noir, after listening to conspiracy theories from Miles: “I’ve connected the dots”
Peter B Parker, a very tired boy: “ You haven’t connected shit”
Noir, adding another pin to his conspiracy board: “I’ve connected them!”
Noir:“Few teens out there probably smoking a few funny cigarettes”
Spider-Gwen: “ you can say weed it’s 2021”
Noir, staring out into the distance: “… some grass”
Peter B Parker: “Some things never change, you’re always blowing things up.”
Noir:“I do not always blow things up!”
Peter B Parker: “Right. Sometimes you set things on fire”
Peter B Parker: “We need to distract these guys”
Miles: “Leave it to me”
Miles: “Centaurs have six limbs and are, therefore, insects. Discuss”
Gwen, Peni, Ham, and Noir: *immediately begin arguing*
Peter B Parker, watching in horror: “Oh this. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all”
Peter B Parker, over the phone: “Okay Ham, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands”
Spider-Ham: “Got it!”
Spider-Ham: *hangs up phone*
Spider-Ham, to Peni and Noir: “We’re gonna have to take matters into our own hands”
Spider-Gwen: “So, what’s the plan?”
Noir:“We go in and search the base for Miles”
Spider-Gwen: “And if there are bad guys?”
Noir: “We kill everyone in our path”
Spider-Gwen: “I like it. Simple, easy to remember.”
(Noir turns up to a crime scene)
Jefferson Davis: “Oh my god-”
Noir: “ whats the situation?”
Jefferson:“Um… we got a fortune teller here. Looks like shes been murdered. We still don’t know why, we were hoping you could help us with that, detective.”
Noir: “Hmm… Well, that’s just” *puts shades on* “un-fortune-ate”
Jefferson: *lifts head*
Noir: *turns dramatically and starts to leave*
Jefferson: “No- detective- Uh yeah, she- Where are you going?! We still have to- detective? Detective! We still- the body-?!”
(Peni and Noir are on cake duty for Aunt May’s birthday)
Peni: *reading a recipe*
Peni: “Okay so, the first thing we gotta do is beat 3 eggs ….”
Noir: “At what? Hand-to-hand combat?”
Noir" *rolling up his sleeves* “Here. Pass me the eggs-”
Peni: “DO NOT FIGHT THE EGGS NOIR OR I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS KITCHEN!!”
Peter B Parker: “Okay its time to start the meeting- wait where is Ham?”
Miles: “He said he needed to go buy things?”
Spider-Gwen: “Can’t we start the meeting without him?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “No I’ll just call him”
*They gather round Peter as he rings Ham*
Spider-Ham:“Hello?”
Peter B Parker : “Ham where are you? Can you come to the hideout for the meeting please?”
Spider-Ham: “Well, I can’t. I’m buying clothes”
Peni: “He doesn’t even wear normal clothes?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “Alright, hurry up then come over here.”
Spider-ham: “I can’t find them.”
Peter B Parker: “What do you mean you can’t find them?”
Spider-Ham: “I can’t find them. There’s only soup.”
Noir: “Did he just say theres only soup?”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean ‘there’s only soup’?”
Spider-Ham: “It mean there’s only soup.”
Peter B Parker, while being absolutely done:“Well get out of the soup aisle!”
Spider-Ham: “Alright, you don’t have to shout at me” (move to the next aisle) “There’s more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean 'there’s more soup’?!”
Spider-Ham: “There’s just more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Go into the next aisle!”
Spider-Ham: (move to the next aisle) “There’s still soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Where are you right now?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’m at soup!”
Peter B Parker: “WHADDYA MEAN YOU’RE 'AT SOUP’!?”
Spider-Ham: “I MEAN I’M AT SOUP!”
Peter B Parker: “WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!!”
Peter B Parker, having lost the will to deal with this situation: “WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!”
Spider-Ham: “FUCK YOU!” *hangs up phone*
Miles: “…. so that just happened…”
Spider-Ham: “If your leg gets cut off… would it hurt?”
Noir:“Yeah”
Ham:“How?”
Noir: “Cause your leg got cut off!”
Ham: “But where are you gonna feel the pain?!”
Noir: “in your… leg…”
Ham: “Exactly! How are you gonna feel pain the pain…”
Ham and Noir, at the same time: “If your leg is gone…”
Peni, while staring at them from the other side of the room: “… You guys are idiots”
Miles: “It’s Christmas time and you know what that means!”
Spider-Gwen: “Everyone is going to try to kill each other at the dinner table?”
Noir: “Time for the sweet release of death?”
Peter B Parker: “Getting drunk on my own while crying in the bathtub?”
Peni: “Time to receive only coal from Santa again?”
Spider-ham: “Question my existence while watching Friends reruns on repeat?”
Miles, concerned: “I was gonna say ‘ugly Christmas Jumper competition’ but you know what? We’re all going to therapy.”
i read @theribbajack ‘s spider-man noir fanfic and experienced more heart-clenches than humanly possible so i doodled the scene that made me dry-sob for like 12 minutes :) pls go read it i cried
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