#peni parker
Peni, setting down a card: “Ace of Spades”
Gwen, nodding and pulling out an uno card:“+4”
Miles, throwing down a pokemon card: “Jolteon, I choose you!”
Noir, trembling, on the verge of tears: “What the fuck are we playing?”
Peter B Parker: “Peni we need to talk about your last will”
Peni: “What about it?”
Peter B Parker:“Well the fact that you wrote a will…”
Peter B Parker: “…Also, the only thing you wrote was ‘bury me with seven extra bones to fuck with the archaeologists lmao’ ”
Peter B Parker: “We need to distract these guys”
Miles: “Leave it to me”
Miles: “Centaurs have six limbs and are, therefore, insects. Discuss”
Gwen, Peni, Ham, and Noir: *immediately begin arguing*
Peter B Parker, watching in horror: “Oh this. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all”
Peter B Parker, over the phone: “Okay Ham, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands”
Spider-Ham: “Got it!”
Spider-Ham: *hangs up phone*
Spider-Ham, to Peni and Noir: “We’re gonna have to take matters into our own hands”
(Peni and Noir are on cake duty for Aunt May’s birthday)
Peni: *reading a recipe*
Peni: “Okay so, the first thing we gotta do is beat 3 eggs ….”
Noir: “At what? Hand-to-hand combat?”
Noir" *rolling up his sleeves* “Here. Pass me the eggs-”
Peni: “DO NOT FIGHT THE EGGS NOIR OR I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS KITCHEN!!”
Peter B Parker: “Okay its time to start the meeting- wait where is Ham?”
Miles: “He said he needed to go buy things?”
Spider-Gwen: “Can’t we start the meeting without him?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “No I’ll just call him”
*They gather round Peter as he rings Ham*
Spider-Ham:“Hello?”
Peter B Parker : “Ham where are you? Can you come to the hideout for the meeting please?”
Spider-Ham: “Well, I can’t. I’m buying clothes”
Peni: “He doesn’t even wear normal clothes?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “Alright, hurry up then come over here.”
Spider-ham: “I can’t find them.”
Peter B Parker: “What do you mean you can’t find them?”
Spider-Ham: “I can’t find them. There’s only soup.”
Noir: “Did he just say theres only soup?”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean ‘there’s only soup’?”
Spider-Ham: “It mean there’s only soup.”
Peter B Parker, while being absolutely done:“Well get out of the soup aisle!”
Spider-Ham: “Alright, you don’t have to shout at me” (move to the next aisle) “There’s more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean 'there’s more soup’?!”
Spider-Ham: “There’s just more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Go into the next aisle!”
Spider-Ham: (move to the next aisle) “There’s still soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Where are you right now?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’m at soup!”
Peter B Parker: “WHADDYA MEAN YOU’RE 'AT SOUP’!?”
Spider-Ham: “I MEAN I’M AT SOUP!”
Peter B Parker: “WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!!”
Peter B Parker, having lost the will to deal with this situation: “WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!”
Spider-Ham: “FUCK YOU!” *hangs up phone*
Miles: “…. so that just happened…”
Spider-Ham: “If your leg gets cut off… would it hurt?”
Noir:“Yeah”
Ham:“How?”
Noir: “Cause your leg got cut off!”
Ham: “But where are you gonna feel the pain?!”
Noir: “in your… leg…”
Ham: “Exactly! How are you gonna feel pain the pain…”
Ham and Noir, at the same time: “If your leg is gone…”
Peni, while staring at them from the other side of the room: “… You guys are idiots”
Miles: “Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.”
Noir: “Okay, but what is updog?”
Ham: “Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.”
Peter B Parker: “No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.”
Peni: “No, that’s an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.”
Gwen: “Surely, that’s Uppsala, where as updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.”
Miles: “That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.”
Peter B Parker: “You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is anupward-moving air current.”
Gwen: “No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.”
Noir: “What’s a henway??”
Miles: “Oh, about five pounds.”
Miles: “Just be yourself.”
Peter B Parker: “ ‘Be myself’? Miles, I have one day to win MJ over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?”
Spider-Gwen: “Couple days.”
Noir: “Couple of weeks”
Spider-Ham: “A few months.”
Peni: “Jury’s still out.”
Peter B Parker: “See, Miles?”
Peter B Parker: “'Be myself’. What kind of garbage advice is that?”
Spider-Gwen: “Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?”
Peter B Parker:“Language!”
Peni: “Yeah watch your fucking language”
Noir: “OKAY WHO TAUGHT PENI THE FUCK WORD?”
Spider-Ham:“ ‘The fuck word’. ”
Miles: “Are you serious? You guys use the f word all the time ”
Spider-Gwen: “Oh my god he censored it”
Spider-Ham: “Say fuck, Miles.”
Spider-Gwen: “Do it, Miles. Say fuck.”
Peter B Parker: “MILES DO NOT-”
Peter B Parker: “Dammit Ham! what did you do?!”
Spider-Ham: “What!? It wasn’t me!”
Peter B Parker: “Sorry force of habit. Dammit Noir!”
Noir: “Not me either”
Peter B Parker: “Oh…. Then who set the hideout on fire?!”
Peni: *Whistles nervously*
i read @theribbajack ‘s spider-man noir fanfic and experienced more heart-clenches than humanly possible so i doodled the scene that made me dry-sob for like 12 minutes :) pls go read it i cried
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me sercetly spider verse fan:
Spiderverse is absolutely amazing!! Who is your fave from the film? :D
Design was originally by another artist, i don’t know their name but this is their design with my minor tweeks.
This peni calida Power, i had to change her name since in this au miles is the mentor and peni is the student (just like Peter and miles) peni’s name is the is obvious spidergirl but she also goes by The pink spider and the Kaji spider. Kaji means “fire” just like her middle name.
