#spidernoir
Peni, setting down a card: “Ace of Spades”
Gwen, nodding and pulling out an uno card:“+4”
Miles, throwing down a pokemon card: “Jolteon, I choose you!”
Noir, trembling, on the verge of tears: “What the fuck are we playing?”
Noir, after listening to conspiracy theories from Miles: “I’ve connected the dots”
Peter B Parker, a very tired boy: “ You haven’t connected shit”
Noir, adding another pin to his conspiracy board: “I’ve connected them!”
Noir:“Few teens out there probably smoking a few funny cigarettes”
Spider-Gwen: “ you can say weed it’s 2021”
Noir, staring out into the distance: “… some grass”
Peter B Parker: “Some things never change, you’re always blowing things up.”
Noir:“I do not always blow things up!”
Peter B Parker: “Right. Sometimes you set things on fire”
Peter B Parker: “We need to distract these guys”
Miles: “Leave it to me”
Miles: “Centaurs have six limbs and are, therefore, insects. Discuss”
Gwen, Peni, Ham, and Noir: *immediately begin arguing*
Peter B Parker, watching in horror: “Oh this. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all”
Peter B Parker, over the phone: “Okay Ham, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands”
Spider-Ham: “Got it!”
Spider-Ham: *hangs up phone*
Spider-Ham, to Peni and Noir: “We’re gonna have to take matters into our own hands”
Spider-Gwen: “So, what’s the plan?”
Noir:“We go in and search the base for Miles”
Spider-Gwen: “And if there are bad guys?”
Noir: “We kill everyone in our path”
Spider-Gwen: “I like it. Simple, easy to remember.”
(Noir turns up to a crime scene)
Jefferson Davis: “Oh my god-”
Noir: “ whats the situation?”
Jefferson:“Um… we got a fortune teller here. Looks like shes been murdered. We still don’t know why, we were hoping you could help us with that, detective.”
Noir: “Hmm… Well, that’s just” *puts shades on* “un-fortune-ate”
Jefferson: *lifts head*
Noir: *turns dramatically and starts to leave*
Jefferson: “No- detective- Uh yeah, she- Where are you going?! We still have to- detective? Detective! We still- the body-?!”
(Peni and Noir are on cake duty for Aunt May’s birthday)
Peni: *reading a recipe*
Peni: “Okay so, the first thing we gotta do is beat 3 eggs ….”
Noir: “At what? Hand-to-hand combat?”
Noir" *rolling up his sleeves* “Here. Pass me the eggs-”
Peni: “DO NOT FIGHT THE EGGS NOIR OR I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THIS KITCHEN!!”
Peter B Parker: “Okay its time to start the meeting- wait where is Ham?”
Miles: “He said he needed to go buy things?”
Spider-Gwen: “Can’t we start the meeting without him?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “No I’ll just call him”
*They gather round Peter as he rings Ham*
Spider-Ham:“Hello?”
Peter B Parker : “Ham where are you? Can you come to the hideout for the meeting please?”
Spider-Ham: “Well, I can’t. I’m buying clothes”
Peni: “He doesn’t even wear normal clothes?”
Peter B Parker: *sighs* “Alright, hurry up then come over here.”
Spider-ham: “I can’t find them.”
Peter B Parker: “What do you mean you can’t find them?”
Spider-Ham: “I can’t find them. There’s only soup.”
Noir: “Did he just say theres only soup?”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean ‘there’s only soup’?”
Spider-Ham: “It mean there’s only soup.”
Peter B Parker, while being absolutely done:“Well get out of the soup aisle!”
Spider-Ham: “Alright, you don’t have to shout at me” (move to the next aisle) “There’s more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Whaddya mean 'there’s more soup’?!”
Spider-Ham: “There’s just more soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Go into the next aisle!”
Spider-Ham: (move to the next aisle) “There’s still soup!”
Peter B Parker: “Where are you right now?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’m at soup!”
Peter B Parker: “WHADDYA MEAN YOU’RE 'AT SOUP’!?”
Spider-Ham: “I MEAN I’M AT SOUP!”
Peter B Parker: “WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!”
Spider-Ham: “I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!!”
Peter B Parker, having lost the will to deal with this situation: “WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!”
Spider-Ham: “FUCK YOU!” *hangs up phone*
Miles: “…. so that just happened…”
Spider-Ham: “If your leg gets cut off… would it hurt?”
Noir:“Yeah”
Ham:“How?”
Noir: “Cause your leg got cut off!”
Ham: “But where are you gonna feel the pain?!”
Noir: “in your… leg…”
Ham: “Exactly! How are you gonna feel pain the pain…”
Ham and Noir, at the same time: “If your leg is gone…”
Peni, while staring at them from the other side of the room: “… You guys are idiots”
Miles: “It’s Christmas time and you know what that means!”
Spider-Gwen: “Everyone is going to try to kill each other at the dinner table?”
Noir: “Time for the sweet release of death?”
Peter B Parker: “Getting drunk on my own while crying in the bathtub?”
Peni: “Time to receive only coal from Santa again?”
Spider-ham: “Question my existence while watching Friends reruns on repeat?”
Miles, concerned: “I was gonna say ‘ugly Christmas Jumper competition’ but you know what? We’re all going to therapy.”
Noir: “There is no future. There is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.”
Peter B Parker:
Miles:
Gwen:
Everyone Else At Noir’s Surprise Birthday Party:
Peter B Parker: “All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.”
Miles: “Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.”
Noir: “Okay, but what is updog?”
Ham: “Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.”
Peter B Parker: “No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.”
Peni: “No, that’s an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.”
Gwen: “Surely, that’s Uppsala, where as updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.”
Miles: “That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.”
Peter B Parker: “You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is anupward-moving air current.”
Gwen: “No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.”
Noir: “What’s a henway??”
Miles: “Oh, about five pounds.”
Noir after blowing up part of the hideout, and running away: “Top 30 reasons why Noir is sorry… Number 5 will surprise you!”
Peter B Parker, while chasing him down: “Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!”
Noir: “Today is a day of running through hurdles.”
Peter B Parker: “Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?”
Noir: “Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.”
Noir: “Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.”
Peter B Parker: “I think you mean cards.”
Noir, pulling knives out of their sleeves: “No, I do not.”
Peter B Parker: “GIVE ME THE KNIVES-”
Peter B Parker: “Violence isn’t the answer Noir!.”
Noir: “You’re right.”
Peter B Parker: *sighs in relief*
Noir: “Violence is the question.”
Peter B Parker:“…What?”
Noir, bolting away:“And the answer is yes.”
Peter, running after him:“NO-”
Miles: “Just be yourself.”
Peter B Parker: “ ‘Be myself’? Miles, I have one day to win MJ over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?”
Spider-Gwen: “Couple days.”
Noir: “Couple of weeks”
Spider-Ham: “A few months.”
Peni: “Jury’s still out.”
Peter B Parker: “See, Miles?”
Peter B Parker: “'Be myself’. What kind of garbage advice is that?”
Peter B Parker: “Would you please stop staring dramatically off into the distance while I’m talking to you?”
Noir, staring dramatically off into the distance: “ I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Spider-Gwen: “Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?”
Peter B Parker:“Language!”
Peni: “Yeah watch your fucking language”
Noir: “OKAY WHO TAUGHT PENI THE FUCK WORD?”
Spider-Ham:“ ‘The fuck word’. ”
Miles: “Are you serious? You guys use the f word all the time ”
Spider-Gwen: “Oh my god he censored it”
Spider-Ham: “Say fuck, Miles.”
Spider-Gwen: “Do it, Miles. Say fuck.”
Peter B Parker: “MILES DO NOT-”
Peter B Parker: “Dammit Ham! what did you do?!”
Spider-Ham: “What!? It wasn’t me!”
Peter B Parker: “Sorry force of habit. Dammit Noir!”
Noir: “Not me either”
Peter B Parker: “Oh…. Then who set the hideout on fire?!”
Peni: *Whistles nervously*
Noir:“The moon is beautiful tonight”
Spider-Ham: “It really is”
*in another room*
Miles, whispering: “Should we tell them that’s a tortilla I threw at the window?”
Peter B Parker: “Please don’t”
Peter B Parker: “ Guys. Why is the hideout floor covered in water ?!”
Miles, panic answers: “Uhh Cause we used a bath bomb!”
Peter B Parker: “Why would that splash enough water out of the tub to cover the entire hideout?!”
(Earlier that day)
Noir, holding a pipe bomb above the bathtub: “Everybody, get ready to run”
Miles: “What if someone catches us?”
Noir: “We will burn that bridge when we come to it”
Miles: “Don’t you mean ‘cross’?”
Noir, pulling out kerosene and lighting a match:“Nope”
