#tc blog
whenever i have a bad day, i think of the one time he told me “you’re not weak” and it always makes me feel a little better
missing the days he talked about how he wanted to keep in touch after graduation and for me to meet his wife ngl
today was the first day in almost 3 years that i’ve gone to an event and not thought, even for a split second, “i wish he was here with me”
me: i’m going to talk to him as little as possible. he’s a piece of shit and i don’t want him in my life anymore
also me: but imagine the arguments that would lead to tension that would lead to super hot hate sex in his office
one of my teachers pulled me aside after class and said “i find your attachment to n bothersome. he has a bad reputation for really volatile relationships and i’m worried he’ll drag you down with him.”
i still don’t know how to react.
i’m debating on whether i should bring it up to him or if i should just keep my distance. this is bothering me so much. part of me needs to know what she was talking about and won’t let me stop thinking about it until i get that answer. but on the other hand, i don’t know if i should just heed her warning and back away from him.
he has his moments of being an asshole, absolutely, but to the point of volatile relationships i could get sucked into? that’s more than just a tad concerning, especially considering that he’s primarily been a sweetheart to me. i’m just so confused on what to believe.
one of my teachers pulled me aside after class and said “i find your attachment to n bothersome. he has a bad reputation for really volatile relationships and i’m worried he’ll drag you down with him.”
i still don’t know how to react.
me: yeah he’s an arrogant ass but i love him anyway :)
mfw he’s an arrogant ass:
it always surprises me when we’ll have a normal conversation and he’ll say something so out of pocket and conservative that it reminds me how wide our age gap really is
one of my teachers was on the phone with him and i learned my jealousy problem is worse than i thought
april tc challenge
shout out to @morethanwords0475 for making this bomb questionnaire!
day 2: what is the earliest thing you can remember about your tc?
my earliest memory is when i was in 8th grade and went to this meeting for receiving the materials for my incoming freshman classes. he was there for the science class and i remember thinking “this dude is too fine to be a teacher” and “wtf kind of a last name is [n’s last name]?” lmao. guess i’ve really been thristing since day one
day 3: do you like your tc’s subject? do you consider yourself to be good at it?
he made me like science i would consider myself pretty decent at what he teaches, but it doesn’t come as natural as my humanities classes or soft science
day 4: how do you feel about your age gap?
idk it’s weird. part of me is completely unbothered by it or thinks it’s hot but another side of me is like “he’s 30+ years older than you. he was with his first wife when you were born. he’ll be in his 50s when you’re 20. wtf is wrong with you.”
day 5: have you ever said anything to your tc that showed you favoured them? have they said anything like that to you?
i’ve told him countless times that he’s my favorite teacher. he’s never outright said i’m his favorite but i think his behavior definitely shows it lol
day 6: have you ever noticed any small habits that they have? if so, what comes to mind first?
tbh just the same behaviors i mentioned in the 2nd love letter: how he switches languages, how he swings his legs when he sits- stuff like that
day 7: what gift would you really like to be able to give them, regardless of if it’s realistic or not?
i’m gonna think big and go very unrealistic here: his and his family’s tuition. pretty much his entire family is in college right now and i’d love to take the financial stress away from him.
day 9: does your tc have a significant other? if so, what do you know about them and how do you feel about them?
he has a wife. he doesn’t talk too much about her but she seems brilliant. part of me is grateful he has someone to come home to that seems like a solid match and (hopefully) loves him, but it’d be a lie if i said i didn’t get jealous from time to time.
day 10: what is the longest time you have gone without seeing them?
5 months for quarantine. i went absolutely bonkers
day 11: what do other people usually think about them?
he is one of the more,,, unpopular teachers. i’ve only known two other students who have said a positive thing about him, compared to the dozens who openly talk shit.
day 12: do you often make up excuses to speak to them? what kinds of excuses do you like to use?
100%. normally i just bring up interesting articles, talk about classes, or if he mentions something going on in his life, i’ll ask about it. my favorite is to preface something with “this is an incredibly important question that’s answer might completely change how i think of you” and then the question is something like what his favorite color is
day 13: other than the subject they teach, what are they really passionate about?
he’s really passionate about what he’s currently getting a degree in, his family, and education in general.
day 14: what is a skill you really wish your tc had?
idk if this is a skill or not but i wish he was more emotionally available. he’s a sweet dude, don’t get me wrong, but the few times i’ve opened myself up to him, he got distant.
day 16: if you could go back in time and choose, would you still choose to develop feelings for your tc?
honestly? yes, i would. having a crush on this dude is a nightmare and a half, but i really enjoy our dynamic and i don’t think i’d had given him the light of day if i hadn’t liked him.
day 17: if it was the last time you would ever be able to see your tc, what is one thing you would never leave without saying to them?
i would tell him how integral he’s been to my growth as a person these last few years and how grateful i am for that.
day 19: how well do you think you know them?
i like to think i know him fairly well. we aren’t super close in terms of what we tell each other, but i definitely know him better than any other student.
day 20: do you ever lie to them? about what?
i’m sure there’s been a white lie every now and then but the biggest lie for sure was that i don’t still have feelings for him. i hate lying about something like that but i had to save my ass and ease his mind.
day 21: what is the longest time you have spent together with them?
about an hour- i once skipped an entire class period to see him and i don’t regret it at all
day 24: when was the last time they made your heart thump?
when he gave me a fistbump and said he was impressed by my entrance exam score. i have no idea how i didn’t just melt into a puddle lol
day 25: how do you think your tc would react if you confided in them when you felt sad or stressed or anxious?
well, he normally sits me down and listens to me ramble about me being stressed out or anxious. then he tries to help me think through why i feel that way and rationalize it. it sounds so lame but his emphasis on logic really helps me think straight and calm down.
day 26: what is the best dream you have had of them?
oh god there’s so many options here. i once dreamt that i had to talk to him after school about something (i don’t remember what exactly), so i stopped by his room. we barely talked beyond exchanging pleasantries but there was this energy in the room that was so loving and he gave me this sweet smile- i haven’t been able to forget the feeling or sight.
day 27: what is the saddest/scariest dream you have had of them?
fuck how do i stay vague about this?? so every now and then i have to go to this office, and though i know it’s not where n works (this office is in the same field as his side hustle), the night before i have to go, i always have a nightmare that he’s the worker i’ll have to deal with. it doesn’t sound bad but if y'all knew what his job was, you would understand lol.
day 29: do you see them as being a romantic person? are you?
he is absolutely not romantic lmao. there’s no way. now, if we were dating, he’d be getting love letters, candlelight dinners, cuddles,, i’d be the definition of romantic lol
day 30: how have they changed since you two first met? how have you changed?
he’s definitely softened up and opened up a lot, especially this past year. but he also seems more tired and fed up with his job- knowing his current students, i can’t blame him, though it does suck seeing him so burnt out. i don’t think i’ve changed much. i’ve definitely matured a bit, and he’s taught me to become more assertive instead of passive. the main change might be how i present myself in front of him.
you are my escape
my saviour from this nonsense world
i see your face
i forget about the pain
i hear your laugh
i forget about my fear
i feel your touch
i forget about my unaccepting mother
i grasp for every opportunity
to talk to you
i’m sorry if it makes me seem weak
however you’re this drug everyone
tells me to stay away from
but tell me how can i stay away from those
glorious eyes and
precious smile
this is why i can’t have you
this is why i must be without you
you may be breathtaking
but the consequences are devastating-
forbidden fruit
i don’t know who you are
your name is engraved on my heart,
and the ghost of your touch lingers on my arm
yet i don’t know who you are
my sol, i have only seen you rising
what are you like setting?
i have only seen you out in the open
what do you look like, coyly hiding behind the moon?
grace me with your beauty
paint my waters with your red
-i want to see you, raw, unrefined, like mother nature intended
i saw you today
in the first time in months
your hair has changed; when doesn’t it?
it’s your natural hair: mousy brown curls
your eyes are the same though
a beautiful green like the summer fields
with daisies, daffodils i could call my own
you laugh at someone’s remark
and i feel at home-
why are you so beautiful
we’ve been parted for so long
far, far, faraway,
your eyes, your lips, your touch are
far, far, faraway,
days leading up to our meeting feel so
far, far faraway,
the reality of being able to kiss; your tender lips is
far, far, faraway,
