#the umbrella academy incorrect quotes

Klaus, chucking a baby Jesus figurine at Five: SEASONS YEETINGS

Klaus: We’re fuck ups, but we’re the good kind.

Allison: What’s the bad kind?

Klaus, pointing at Five who’s mounted a vending machine and proceeded to demonically screech at it:That.

Person: So who’s your dad?

Klaus, whose father traumatized him to the point where he had to look towards drugs and alcohol for relief: Papa John.

Klaus: I can’t believe Diego! “Klaus, your hummus obsession has gone too far”. The JERK!

Ben: Uhm … are you … sure he doesn’t have a point?

Klaus, shaking and on his third hummus jar that day: Why would you say such a thing?

klaus snippet

He cried.

He couldn’t find it in him to do anything else — the voices, the ghosts, they were always there. They tormented him every day of his life, they tore him apart bit by bit until there was nothing left of him but a silhouette of a broken child.

And he silenced them all. Dave. He silenced them with his lopsided smiles and the way he held hands and the way his eyes lit up when he was excited. He silenced them with his jokes that were so horrible they were funny, with this light that just seemed to chase away all of Klaus’ shadows. He chased away the darkness. Every little thing he did finally gave Klaus the allusion of happiness he’d always craved.

Until it faded, and he was left with a body, the memories and all the voices he’d tried so hard to keep at bay.

And so he laid upon his lover one last time, holding him as if he were trying to squeeze the smallest bit of life out of him.

He cried, but all anybody heard was the gunshots.

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Klaus, severely touch-starved: Sometimes you’ve just gotta be your own daddy.

Five, poking his head in his room: Hi sorry I overheard you and I’ve got a quick question: what the fuck

TUA Disney Trip Headcanon

• Klaus packing three suitcases for a four day trip
• Diego INSISTS on wearing his stupid leather suit despite the fact that they’re going to Florida
• Vanya goes on all the kiddie rides with Ben while Klaus, Diego and Five head straight for the Tower of Terror
• Allison is busy taking photos of anything and everything they find
• Ben begs for a Mickey balloon but Klaus bumps into it and it floats away
• Ben’s crying so hard that Klaus promises he’ll buy him a churro later
• They collectively buy every kind of junk food that is offered to them
• Vanya is the designated Bag Holder™ whilst the others go on the big rides
• Allison stays with Vanya because she refuses to let anything happen to her hair
• Ben and Luther are most excited for Animal Kingdom ;)
• Klaus and Allison (and even Vanya) are looking forward to meeting the princesses
• Five spends the whole trip complaining that “we should’ve gone to Universal”
• They spot Kenny and his mom and Five makes a run for it
• Klaus takes tons of photos in front of the big castle captioned “I’m home bitches”
• Klaus spends about half an hour talking to Cruella De Vil about fashion
• Vanya ends up talking to Cinderella a whole lot
• Allison makes fun of the others for how excited they are when they meet the characters yet she gets all flustered meeting Tiana
• Luther has a loooong conversation with Gaston
• “People just don’t get us, y’know?” “I hear ya, Lugger”
• Klaus wanders off so much that they group threatens to buy him a leash
• Klaus’ response? “Kinky”
• Vanya insists on buying every souvenir they come by
• Luther is literally the only one worrying about the budget the rest are just blowing through it
• Klaus proceeds to wear his Mickey Ears for the next month and a half
• “THIS PLACE IS EVEN BETTER THAN DRUGS” *a mother turns her child in the other direction*
• Klaus is smiling through the entire experience and Vanya is too
• Klaus also gets tired within their first twenty minutes of the park
• “I told you NOT to wear heels, Klaus” “Beauty is pain”
• Vanya carries around SPF 100 wherever she goes
• Luther ends up piggybacking Klaus half the time
• Ben slaps anyone anytime they swear because “the children”
• Klaus gets so warm he ends up dunking his head in the fountain
• Some way or another Klaus ends up being chased by security guards while Mickey Mouse gives him a disappointed look
• “I need to piss” “we’re on a fucking rollercoaster”
• Luther has to sit out on a lot of rides cuz he can’t fit in the seats
• “Hey! Five! It’s you!” *Five glares as Klaus points towards Peter Pan*
• “I am nothing like you, you freeloading little pixie. I’ve saved the world, I’ve done things that your tiny brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend. I am superior to you in every way.” “Can you fly?” *Five growls*
• In the end Vanya is literally red from burns and they all have to drag Klaus onto the plane to leave

the academy at 3am

*hears a loud bang from downstairs*

Diego: Uhhhh what the fuck

Luther: What was that

Five, sighing: It’s too early for this

Vanya: Let’s go make sure nobody’s hurt

*they go downstairs only to find Klaus crouching over many fallen foods and the kitchen door wide open*

Diego: Klaus WHAT the fuck

Klaus: çrēåmëd ćørñ

Five: Fuck off

Klaus: Well only if off is okay with it

vanya finding out about harold’s true intentions

Vanya: a human heart cost $442,000 and I gave you mine for free you ungrateful slut

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

*Five, clearly annoyed with Klaus*

Klaus: What? Why are you upset?

Klaus, softly: Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

klaus: hey five

five:yeah?

*a full minute of silent eye contact*

klaus:bitch

Klave First Date Headcanon EXCLUSIVELY for Tumblr fam

I wanted to celebrate getting 1000 followers! Thank you so much I love you :,)

DINNER:

• “Oh, Klaus I didn’t peg you for a purse guy” “hm? Oh I’m not this is for smuggling the breadsticks”
• Dave is in a noice button down and some black pants cuz the place they’re off to is marginally fancy
• Klaus is in a glittery pink crop top and skinny jeans, with some good ass™️ eye makeup by Allison
• It takes Dave fifteen minutes to find the academy fespite it being pretty fucking obvious
• Diego has the protective big bro chat with Dave before they go and Dave is nervous the whole time
• They’re both speechless at how good the other looks
• When Luther met Dave he thought he was Klaus’ “friend”
• Klaus wanted to go to a movie and Dave wanted to go to dinner so dinner and a movie
• Ben standing by them awkwardly telling Klaus how to navigate the situation
• “Tell him he looks nice” “he looks nice” “dude no what the fuck—”
• A whole lot of Ben sighing in the afterlife
• “KLAUS YOU CANT SMOKE IN HERE” “BEN DONT YELL AT ME IM SENSITIVE”
• Klaus gets a lil tipsy at the restaurant
• Really loud, almost obnoxious laughing from Klaus but Dave finds it adorable
• Dick jokes
• They try to do the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing via Klaus’ request but it ends up with Klaus almost falling over the table and their drinks spilt everywhere
• The two giggle their way through the night talking about whatever
• Diego. Is. Always. Near.
• Dave has to drive them everywhere coz Klaus literally can not
• Klaus folds the fabric napkins in really weird ways insisting that “they look like frogs! How can you not see it!!!”
• They go from talking about home lives to talking about their favourite shows and somehow end up in a deep conversation
• “Sometimes you just … need something that makes everything okay. Yknow? My thing used to be drugs and alcohol but I’m off that now. I need a new comfort thing.” “… I can be your comfort thing.”
• Klaus spills his drink over three times and the waiter is not amused
• When they order their food, Klaus does so in a terrible French accent trying to be fancy
• “You l … You look great t-tonight, by the way” “oh I know” “KLAUS—”
• Klaus tried his best to get the staff to let him order of the kids menu
• “Look at this baby face! I am so under ten!”
• There are some moments of silence but they aren’t awkward. Kind of like an agreed upon silence
• Theyre sharing food and Ben is insisting its gross but they both think it’s cute
• Klaus keeps trying to make moustaches out of his noodles and Dave laughs so loud the people next to them stare
• Klaus just bluntly saying whatever comes to mind and, despite Ben being terrified that Dave will be scared away or freaked out, he just goes along with it
• “Klaus I don’t think you can take the table cloth” “shhh there’s still room in my purse!”
• They end spending more time talking than eating
• Even after they pay the bill they just sit and chat and laugh like they’re the only people left on earth
• They only leave when the waiter gets fed up and straight up tells them to leave
• “Alright, just try not to miss us too much”

FILM:

• Dave once again has to drive but he’s not familiar with the part of the city they’re in so Klaus has to give him directions and they end up being 20 minutes late to their film cuz Klaus and Ben are just fighting about who’s right and end up being wrong
• “Sorry you couldn’t make out with the table cloth” “oh don’t worry! I took those fancy napkins instead”
• At the movies Klaus trieds to sneak in his purse but they check it and look at him weird when they see all the breadsticks
• “Are you denying me of my yeast?”
• He is so amusing that the teenager in charge of letting people in just lets them in anyways
• They end up sitting in the far back and sneak into the theatre very noisily
• “What do you mean you don’t take your shoes off at the movies??? Dave you weirdo!”
• They start chatting halfway through
• Klaus accidentally lets out a loud-ass laugh and gets shushed by multiple people
• Ben is one of those people
• They just end up feeding each other breadsticks and quietly giggling
• “I love you — wait oh my god I didn’t—” “hey” *boops Klaus’ nose with a breadstick* “I love you too”
• Klaus is that person™️ who’s asking questions every two seconds and Dave just answers immediately without any annoyance in his voice
• Once again they almost forget they have to leave until the staff kick em out
• They just end up giggling the whole way home while Ben exasperatedly screams directions at Klaus to tell Dave but he’s not listening
• “Boys will be boys”

reverse psychology

Klaus: you should totally hate Klaus Hargreeves

Dave: is this … are you trying to use reverse psychology on me?

Klaus: kind of

Klaus: I’m also just a shit human being

watching a nature documentary

Klaus: man, I love octopussies

Ben, choking on air: WHAT THE FUCK—

Klaus, pointing at the screen, mesmerized: Look how many!

Ben, signing: Oh, Jesus fuck it’s—it’s octopi, Klaus, octopi

Diego: there’s only one thing worse than dying

Diego, pulling off piece of paper above ‘dying’ that reveals the word ‘Klaus’:boom

Klaus, nodding in agreement:myself

Diego:no—

tua at an art museum

Vanya: Ah yes, The Mona Lisa, the half length portrait painting by Italian Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci.

Five: Thought of as one of the most infamous, and valuable paintings on earth with the insurance valuation of $650 million dollars.

Luther: Truly marvellous.

Allison:Beautiful.

Klaus: AY THAT STATUE OVER THERE KINDA LOOKS LIKE A DICK

Diego:YOOOOOOOOOO

it’s been a while

Diego: What’s your blood type?

Klaus: I dunno let me check

Klaus: *literally stabbing his own hand*

Diego: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

Klaus: *licking the now open wound* hmmm

Klaus: *putting his bloody hand in Diego’s face* Does this taste more like A or B to you?