#the umbrella academy meme

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Five: Oh, suck my dick

Klaus: That’s incest and pedophilia. It’s double illegal.

Ben: D I L L E G A L

TUA Disney Trip Headcanon

• Klaus packing three suitcases for a four day trip
• Diego INSISTS on wearing his stupid leather suit despite the fact that they’re going to Florida
• Vanya goes on all the kiddie rides with Ben while Klaus, Diego and Five head straight for the Tower of Terror
• Allison is busy taking photos of anything and everything they find
• Ben begs for a Mickey balloon but Klaus bumps into it and it floats away
• Ben’s crying so hard that Klaus promises he’ll buy him a churro later
• They collectively buy every kind of junk food that is offered to them
• Vanya is the designated Bag Holder™ whilst the others go on the big rides
• Allison stays with Vanya because she refuses to let anything happen to her hair
• Ben and Luther are most excited for Animal Kingdom ;)
• Klaus and Allison (and even Vanya) are looking forward to meeting the princesses
• Five spends the whole trip complaining that “we should’ve gone to Universal”
• They spot Kenny and his mom and Five makes a run for it
• Klaus takes tons of photos in front of the big castle captioned “I’m home bitches”
• Klaus spends about half an hour talking to Cruella De Vil about fashion
• Vanya ends up talking to Cinderella a whole lot
• Allison makes fun of the others for how excited they are when they meet the characters yet she gets all flustered meeting Tiana
• Luther has a loooong conversation with Gaston
• “People just don’t get us, y’know?” “I hear ya, Lugger”
• Klaus wanders off so much that they group threatens to buy him a leash
• Klaus’ response? “Kinky”
• Vanya insists on buying every souvenir they come by
• Luther is literally the only one worrying about the budget the rest are just blowing through it
• Klaus proceeds to wear his Mickey Ears for the next month and a half
• “THIS PLACE IS EVEN BETTER THAN DRUGS” *a mother turns her child in the other direction*
• Klaus is smiling through the entire experience and Vanya is too
• Klaus also gets tired within their first twenty minutes of the park
• “I told you NOT to wear heels, Klaus” “Beauty is pain”
• Vanya carries around SPF 100 wherever she goes
• Luther ends up piggybacking Klaus half the time
• Ben slaps anyone anytime they swear because “the children”
• Klaus gets so warm he ends up dunking his head in the fountain
• Some way or another Klaus ends up being chased by security guards while Mickey Mouse gives him a disappointed look
• “I need to piss” “we’re on a fucking rollercoaster”
• Luther has to sit out on a lot of rides cuz he can’t fit in the seats
• “Hey! Five! It’s you!” *Five glares as Klaus points towards Peter Pan*
• “I am nothing like you, you freeloading little pixie. I’ve saved the world, I’ve done things that your tiny brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend. I am superior to you in every way.” “Can you fly?” *Five growls*
• In the end Vanya is literally red from burns and they all have to drag Klaus onto the plane to leave

the academy at 3am

*hears a loud bang from downstairs*

Diego: Uhhhh what the fuck

Luther: What was that

Five, sighing: It’s too early for this

Vanya: Let’s go make sure nobody’s hurt

*they go downstairs only to find Klaus crouching over many fallen foods and the kitchen door wide open*

Diego: Klaus WHAT the fuck

Klaus: çrēåmëd ćørñ

Five: Fuck off

Klaus: Well only if off is okay with it

vanya finding out about harold’s true intentions

Vanya: a human heart cost $442,000 and I gave you mine for free you ungrateful slut

Being Klaus’ best friend Headcanon

• You’re basically the majority of his impulse control
• You’re the one to ask “why?” and he’s the one to ask “why not?”
• You’re the first person Klaus has ever told about Ben
• Ben loves you. Like literally loves you.
• “Klaus, why did you steal three packs of jolly ranchers and a celery??? You don’t even like celery!” “Cuz I can”
• Banter 24/7. Sometimes it gets so intense that people think you’re actually mad at each other.
• 2am drives to McDonalds because Klaus as craving nuggets and Diego sure as hell wouldn’t take him
• You two talk a lot about random things that cross your minds and the weirdest, most quiet hours
• You two lay in bed together, your head on his stomach as he plays with your hair with one hand and holds a cigarette in the other
• You two like to make up super complex handshakes when you’re drunk, even though you can never remember them the day after
• You hate watching any movies with him because he talks way too much
• “I will literally rip your dick off” “kinky”
• Play fighting and hitting each other out of nowhere for no reason
• You’re the only person he has saved in his phone contacts other than the house phone which he has saved as “nope”
• You two don’t have a very sentimental relationship and are definitely more like brother and sister
• You were there when he got all his tattoos
• When the Umbrella Academy didn’t realize he was gone, you were the only one that went to look for him by yourself
• “I made you these brownies!” “do they have drugs in them?” “Hmmm … I don’t remember …”
• When he tells the Umbrella Academy that he’s made a friend they all think you’re imaginary
• He helps you choose your outfits and paints your nails
• You do his makeup
• Even though you both swear not to be “cheesy”, you still manage to find sneaky ways of letting him know he’s important and amazing, etc.
• “I hate you” “I love you toooooo”
• You find out about his powers when you ask him to come to your grandmother’s funeral and he starts crying thinking about the mausoleum incident
• You also are the first (after Ben) to learn about Klaus’ trauma
• You’re the only one who actually calls him in rehab
• You absolutely hate Reginald
• On your bad days Klaus randomly shows up at your home with your favourite takeaway
• You’re absolutely devastated about Dave
• You go back to the veteran’s bar after hearing what happened to Klaus there and give them Hell
• You are always there trying to help him reach sobriety by setting daily goals/rewarding the goals completed with some good food
• “Would you shut up?” “Klaus I wasn’t even speaking”
• Lots of dramatic gasps from the both of you
• He gives the best hugs
• He likes to try and take care of you when you’re sick but he almost burns the kitchen down trying to make soup so you make it for the both of you
• You two sharing songs to listen to
• “You’re a whore” “I’m a slut get it right”
• He insists on going everywhere with you, even if you’re just shopping
• “For the last motherFUCKING time Klaus, I am not buying you a kitkat” “but please”
• People always think you’re dating and you both make overdramatize gagging sounds to that
• The one time you went along with the “dating” facade was when you first met the Academy because Klaus was getting a kick out of it
• Klaus likes to surprise you with randomly timed, really strange gifts
• “I appreciate it so much, I really do, but I don’t know why I need a ceramic frog?”
• On Halloween you go as a joint costume
• You would never admit it but you’d do almost anything to make Klaus healthy and happy
• You’d also love to meet Ben
• He sleeps over so much he basically lives with you
• He actually did live with you when he was going back and forth in between rehab
• Really stupid bets at the worst times
• “I bet you two bucks you won’t be able to catch that seagull” “think again bitch”
• You appreciate Diego a lot but you give Luther dirty looks when Klaus isn’t looking
• He’s super clingy but you low key love it
• Whenever you go to a restaurant Klaus insists it’s his birthday
• Klaus left you at the Academy while he was out once and came back to you and Five drinking margaritas and having a really deep conversation
• Grace basically thinks of you as an eighth kid
• “Fuck you” “you wish you could ;)”

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

klaus: hey five

five:yeah?

*a full minute of silent eye contact*

klaus:bitch

Allison: Would you take a bullet for my sister?

Leonard: Uhhhhhhh … I guess?

Allison, pulling out a gun:Fantastic

Klave First Date Headcanon EXCLUSIVELY for Tumblr fam

I wanted to celebrate getting 1000 followers! Thank you so much I love you :,)

DINNER:

• “Oh, Klaus I didn’t peg you for a purse guy” “hm? Oh I’m not this is for smuggling the breadsticks”
• Dave is in a noice button down and some black pants cuz the place they’re off to is marginally fancy
• Klaus is in a glittery pink crop top and skinny jeans, with some good ass™️ eye makeup by Allison
• It takes Dave fifteen minutes to find the academy fespite it being pretty fucking obvious
• Diego has the protective big bro chat with Dave before they go and Dave is nervous the whole time
• They’re both speechless at how good the other looks
• When Luther met Dave he thought he was Klaus’ “friend”
• Klaus wanted to go to a movie and Dave wanted to go to dinner so dinner and a movie
• Ben standing by them awkwardly telling Klaus how to navigate the situation
• “Tell him he looks nice” “he looks nice” “dude no what the fuck—”
• A whole lot of Ben sighing in the afterlife
• “KLAUS YOU CANT SMOKE IN HERE” “BEN DONT YELL AT ME IM SENSITIVE”
• Klaus gets a lil tipsy at the restaurant
• Really loud, almost obnoxious laughing from Klaus but Dave finds it adorable
• Dick jokes
• They try to do the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing via Klaus’ request but it ends up with Klaus almost falling over the table and their drinks spilt everywhere
• The two giggle their way through the night talking about whatever
• Diego. Is. Always. Near.
• Dave has to drive them everywhere coz Klaus literally can not
• Klaus folds the fabric napkins in really weird ways insisting that “they look like frogs! How can you not see it!!!”
• They go from talking about home lives to talking about their favourite shows and somehow end up in a deep conversation
• “Sometimes you just … need something that makes everything okay. Yknow? My thing used to be drugs and alcohol but I’m off that now. I need a new comfort thing.” “… I can be your comfort thing.”
• Klaus spills his drink over three times and the waiter is not amused
• When they order their food, Klaus does so in a terrible French accent trying to be fancy
• “You l … You look great t-tonight, by the way” “oh I know” “KLAUS—”
• Klaus tried his best to get the staff to let him order of the kids menu
• “Look at this baby face! I am so under ten!”
• There are some moments of silence but they aren’t awkward. Kind of like an agreed upon silence
• Theyre sharing food and Ben is insisting its gross but they both think it’s cute
• Klaus keeps trying to make moustaches out of his noodles and Dave laughs so loud the people next to them stare
• Klaus just bluntly saying whatever comes to mind and, despite Ben being terrified that Dave will be scared away or freaked out, he just goes along with it
• “Klaus I don’t think you can take the table cloth” “shhh there’s still room in my purse!”
• They end spending more time talking than eating
• Even after they pay the bill they just sit and chat and laugh like they’re the only people left on earth
• They only leave when the waiter gets fed up and straight up tells them to leave
• “Alright, just try not to miss us too much”

FILM:

• Dave once again has to drive but he’s not familiar with the part of the city they’re in so Klaus has to give him directions and they end up being 20 minutes late to their film cuz Klaus and Ben are just fighting about who’s right and end up being wrong
• “Sorry you couldn’t make out with the table cloth” “oh don’t worry! I took those fancy napkins instead”
• At the movies Klaus trieds to sneak in his purse but they check it and look at him weird when they see all the breadsticks
• “Are you denying me of my yeast?”
• He is so amusing that the teenager in charge of letting people in just lets them in anyways
• They end up sitting in the far back and sneak into the theatre very noisily
• “What do you mean you don’t take your shoes off at the movies??? Dave you weirdo!”
• They start chatting halfway through
• Klaus accidentally lets out a loud-ass laugh and gets shushed by multiple people
• Ben is one of those people
• They just end up feeding each other breadsticks and quietly giggling
• “I love you — wait oh my god I didn’t—” “hey” *boops Klaus’ nose with a breadstick* “I love you too”
• Klaus is that person™️ who’s asking questions every two seconds and Dave just answers immediately without any annoyance in his voice
• Once again they almost forget they have to leave until the staff kick em out
• They just end up giggling the whole way home while Ben exasperatedly screams directions at Klaus to tell Dave but he’s not listening
• “Boys will be boys”

reverse psychology

Klaus: you should totally hate Klaus Hargreeves

Dave: is this … are you trying to use reverse psychology on me?

Klaus: kind of

Klaus: I’m also just a shit human being

watching a nature documentary

Klaus: man, I love octopussies

Ben, choking on air: WHAT THE FUCK—

Klaus, pointing at the screen, mesmerized: Look how many!

Ben, signing: Oh, Jesus fuck it’s—it’s octopi, Klaus, octopi

Diego: there’s only one thing worse than dying

Diego, pulling off piece of paper above ‘dying’ that reveals the word ‘Klaus’:boom

Klaus, nodding in agreement:myself

Diego:no—

the hargreeves as things my siblings and i have said

1. “if I had a vagina I’d fill it up with Cheerios” “you do have a vagina” “fetch the oats”
2. “i’m such a milf, goddamn. What a hot-ass dude.”
3. “where’s mum?” “gone. I’m your mother now”
4. “a rooster’s cock could also be called cock squared”
5. “the sole reason you are alive right now is coz I poked holes in dad’s condom so I didn’t have to do the dishes myself”
6. “watch it or I’ll wash your mouth out” “please say with bleach”
7. “what’s a mukbang? Like a food orgy?”
8. “i swear one day I’ll take a piss in your bed and you won’t even know”
9. “If you were a flower I’d step on you”
10. “why’s your sock all sticky?” “Glitter glue”
11. “Santa isn’t real” “neither is your sex life”
12. “the only way I could hate you more than I already do is if you were named Chad”
13. “what was that? sounded like something shattered” “oh I was looking in the mirror w—” “ah, makes sense now”
14. “if you get famous one day buy me a crocodile intestine. Specifically small. Just the intestine.”
15. “I wish I had a willy. Can you lend me yours?”
16. “I heard some dudes talking about foreskin today. This fortnite craze is getting out of control”
17. “damn this girl’s legs are so hairy it’s disgusting. Like honestly you need to learn to shave” “she’s a cat”
18. “you were less aggravating before you got boobs”
19. “hey thanks for letting me play football with you” “of course. I’d never miss a chance to kick something at your head”
20. “would a furry without their fursuit be thought of as a skinned furry?”
21. “stay young forever okay?” “hell no, i wanna get fucked up man you can’t do that at eleven”
22. “FOR GODS SAKES IVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU RANT ABOUT MICRO PIGS FOR AN HOUR JUST LET ME EAT MY BACON IN PEACE”
23. “remember when we were younger and i got you cat shit for Christmas?”
24. “what if cocks were like built-in pool noodles so dudes always floated in water but then vaginas were like pool filters” “I’m genuinely worried about you”
25. “I’ll pay you twenty bucks if you go up to the pastor while he’s throwing holy water and start hissing”
26. “you’re a dumbass but hey you make my coffee right so yknow what I love you too”
27. “ok but what if I snorted this pixie stick powder” (y’all remember pixie sticks? goddamn those were the good days)
28. “maybe if I stapled myself in the head it would help me get my life together”
29. “you’re useless for everything except for hugs and coke”
30. *solemn tone* “I’ve never seen a cat penis”
31. “what do I have to do to make you love me?” “turn into a subway sandwich”
32. “since you’re the only ticklish one in the house I think it was a sign from God telling us to make you suffer”
33. “the only thing I stand for is getting a bj”

(op: if you can guess which quotes are mine I’ll make you a headcanon of your choice)

tua at an art museum

Vanya: Ah yes, The Mona Lisa, the half length portrait painting by Italian Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci.

Five: Thought of as one of the most infamous, and valuable paintings on earth with the insurance valuation of $650 million dollars.

Luther: Truly marvellous.

Allison:Beautiful.

Klaus: AY THAT STATUE OVER THERE KINDA LOOKS LIKE A DICK

Diego:YOOOOOOOOOO

it’s been a while

Diego: What’s your blood type?

Klaus: I dunno let me check

Klaus: *literally stabbing his own hand*

Diego: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

Klaus: *licking the now open wound* hmmm

Klaus: *putting his bloody hand in Diego’s face* Does this taste more like A or B to you?