#incorrect tua quotes

Kidnapper: I have your brother

Klaus: Oh no. Which one?

Kidnapper: Uh small?

Klaus: Oh FIVE? I’m sorry sir, but you don’t have Five, he has you. Good luck

Five: Everyone’s always trying to stop me from having fun. It’s all like “Five, that’s illegal!” And “stop it, it’s murder!”

Five: To be fair, I only think that because it’s true and I’m right

Luther: That’s a terrible plan

Klaus: Oh please we’ve had worse

Klaus: STOP ARGUING! You’re going to traumatize the baby!

Five: I’m fifty eight–

Klaus: Not you! Me! I’m baby!

Five: Why learn to grow when you can just fix the past? This is exactly why I don’t need therapy

Vanya: That’s not really the lesson I wanted you to take from this

Five: Too late

Five: Murder wasn’t on today’s agenda

Diego: It’s not on anyone’s

Five: No, it’s on mine. Just not until next Thursday

Reginald: I didn’t raise you this way!

Five: You didn’t raise us at all

Klaus: Are you mad?

Diego:No

Klaus: Oh, I see. So sharpening daggers at two am is just a hobby?

Luther: Morally, you cannot do that

Five: Morally, I didn’t ask you

Diego to Five: I can’t believe you’re making half a million and you’re only giving me $30.000!

Klaus: $30.000? I’m only getting $1.000!

Luther: Wait are you guys getting paid?!

Five: *shows excellent poker skills*

Klaus: Damn Five. Are you secretly cool?

Five: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician Carl Friedrich cool

Klaus: I do not

Klaus: Aww, you’re so cute when you’re angry

Five: Then prepare yourself, because I’m about to get really fucking adorable

Klaus, chucking a baby Jesus figurine at Five: SEASONS YEETINGS

Klaus: We’re fuck ups, but we’re the good kind.

Allison: What’s the bad kind?

Klaus, pointing at Five who’s mounted a vending machine and proceeded to demonically screech at it:That.

Person: So who’s your dad?

Klaus, whose father traumatized him to the point where he had to look towards drugs and alcohol for relief: Papa John.

Klaus: I can’t believe Diego! “Klaus, your hummus obsession has gone too far”. The JERK!

Ben: Uhm … are you … sure he doesn’t have a point?

Klaus, shaking and on his third hummus jar that day: Why would you say such a thing?

klaus snippet

He cried.

He couldn’t find it in him to do anything else — the voices, the ghosts, they were always there. They tormented him every day of his life, they tore him apart bit by bit until there was nothing left of him but a silhouette of a broken child.

And he silenced them all. Dave. He silenced them with his lopsided smiles and the way he held hands and the way his eyes lit up when he was excited. He silenced them with his jokes that were so horrible they were funny, with this light that just seemed to chase away all of Klaus’ shadows. He chased away the darkness. Every little thing he did finally gave Klaus the allusion of happiness he’d always craved.

Until it faded, and he was left with a body, the memories and all the voices he’d tried so hard to keep at bay.

And so he laid upon his lover one last time, holding him as if he were trying to squeeze the smallest bit of life out of him.

He cried, but all anybody heard was the gunshots.

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Five: Oh, suck my dick

Klaus: That’s incest and pedophilia. It’s double illegal.

Ben: D I L L E G A L