#grace hargreeves

Klaus, chucking a baby Jesus figurine at Five: SEASONS YEETINGS

Klaus: We’re fuck ups, but we’re the good kind.

Allison: What’s the bad kind?

Klaus, pointing at Five who’s mounted a vending machine and proceeded to demonically screech at it:That.

Person: So who’s your dad?

Klaus, whose father traumatized him to the point where he had to look towards drugs and alcohol for relief: Papa John.

Klaus: I can’t believe Diego! “Klaus, your hummus obsession has gone too far”. The JERK!

Ben: Uhm … are you … sure he doesn’t have a point?

Klaus, shaking and on his third hummus jar that day: Why would you say such a thing?

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Five: Oh, suck my dick

Klaus: That’s incest and pedophilia. It’s double illegal.

Ben: D I L L E G A L

try to tell me this hasn’t happened i dare you

Klaus: Foot fetishes are toe-tally valid

Ben: That was the worst joke I’ve ever heard

Klaus: I believe in what I said, Ben. I believe in it with all of my sole

Klaus, severely touch-starved: Sometimes you’ve just gotta be your own daddy.

Five, poking his head in his room: Hi sorry I overheard you and I’ve got a quick question: what the fuck

TUA Disney Trip Headcanon

• Klaus packing three suitcases for a four day trip
• Diego INSISTS on wearing his stupid leather suit despite the fact that they’re going to Florida
• Vanya goes on all the kiddie rides with Ben while Klaus, Diego and Five head straight for the Tower of Terror
• Allison is busy taking photos of anything and everything they find
• Ben begs for a Mickey balloon but Klaus bumps into it and it floats away
• Ben’s crying so hard that Klaus promises he’ll buy him a churro later
• They collectively buy every kind of junk food that is offered to them
• Vanya is the designated Bag Holder™ whilst the others go on the big rides
• Allison stays with Vanya because she refuses to let anything happen to her hair
• Ben and Luther are most excited for Animal Kingdom ;)
• Klaus and Allison (and even Vanya) are looking forward to meeting the princesses
• Five spends the whole trip complaining that “we should’ve gone to Universal”
• They spot Kenny and his mom and Five makes a run for it
• Klaus takes tons of photos in front of the big castle captioned “I’m home bitches”
• Klaus spends about half an hour talking to Cruella De Vil about fashion
• Vanya ends up talking to Cinderella a whole lot
• Allison makes fun of the others for how excited they are when they meet the characters yet she gets all flustered meeting Tiana
• Luther has a loooong conversation with Gaston
• “People just don’t get us, y’know?” “I hear ya, Lugger”
• Klaus wanders off so much that they group threatens to buy him a leash
• Klaus’ response? “Kinky”
• Vanya insists on buying every souvenir they come by
• Luther is literally the only one worrying about the budget the rest are just blowing through it
• Klaus proceeds to wear his Mickey Ears for the next month and a half
• “THIS PLACE IS EVEN BETTER THAN DRUGS” *a mother turns her child in the other direction*
• Klaus is smiling through the entire experience and Vanya is too
• Klaus also gets tired within their first twenty minutes of the park
• “I told you NOT to wear heels, Klaus” “Beauty is pain”
• Vanya carries around SPF 100 wherever she goes
• Luther ends up piggybacking Klaus half the time
• Ben slaps anyone anytime they swear because “the children”
• Klaus gets so warm he ends up dunking his head in the fountain
• Some way or another Klaus ends up being chased by security guards while Mickey Mouse gives him a disappointed look
• “I need to piss” “we’re on a fucking rollercoaster”
• Luther has to sit out on a lot of rides cuz he can’t fit in the seats
• “Hey! Five! It’s you!” *Five glares as Klaus points towards Peter Pan*
• “I am nothing like you, you freeloading little pixie. I’ve saved the world, I’ve done things that your tiny brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend. I am superior to you in every way.” “Can you fly?” *Five growls*
• In the end Vanya is literally red from burns and they all have to drag Klaus onto the plane to leave

the academy at 3am

*hears a loud bang from downstairs*

Diego: Uhhhh what the fuck

Luther: What was that

Five, sighing: It’s too early for this

Vanya: Let’s go make sure nobody’s hurt

*they go downstairs only to find Klaus crouching over many fallen foods and the kitchen door wide open*

Diego: Klaus WHAT the fuck

Klaus: çrēåmëd ćørñ

Five: Fuck off

Klaus: Well only if off is okay with it

Vanya: Men are trash

Allison:Preach

Klaus: And I’m a garbage collector

vanya finding out about harold’s true intentions

Vanya: a human heart cost $442,000 and I gave you mine for free you ungrateful slut

Being Klaus’ best friend Headcanon

• You’re basically the majority of his impulse control
• You’re the one to ask “why?” and he’s the one to ask “why not?”
• You’re the first person Klaus has ever told about Ben
• Ben loves you. Like literally loves you.
• “Klaus, why did you steal three packs of jolly ranchers and a celery??? You don’t even like celery!” “Cuz I can”
• Banter 24/7. Sometimes it gets so intense that people think you’re actually mad at each other.
• 2am drives to McDonalds because Klaus as craving nuggets and Diego sure as hell wouldn’t take him
• You two talk a lot about random things that cross your minds and the weirdest, most quiet hours
• You two lay in bed together, your head on his stomach as he plays with your hair with one hand and holds a cigarette in the other
• You two like to make up super complex handshakes when you’re drunk, even though you can never remember them the day after
• You hate watching any movies with him because he talks way too much
• “I will literally rip your dick off” “kinky”
• Play fighting and hitting each other out of nowhere for no reason
• You’re the only person he has saved in his phone contacts other than the house phone which he has saved as “nope”
• You two don’t have a very sentimental relationship and are definitely more like brother and sister
• You were there when he got all his tattoos
• When the Umbrella Academy didn’t realize he was gone, you were the only one that went to look for him by yourself
• “I made you these brownies!” “do they have drugs in them?” “Hmmm … I don’t remember …”
• When he tells the Umbrella Academy that he’s made a friend they all think you’re imaginary
• He helps you choose your outfits and paints your nails
• You do his makeup
• Even though you both swear not to be “cheesy”, you still manage to find sneaky ways of letting him know he’s important and amazing, etc.
• “I hate you” “I love you toooooo”
• You find out about his powers when you ask him to come to your grandmother’s funeral and he starts crying thinking about the mausoleum incident
• You also are the first (after Ben) to learn about Klaus’ trauma
• You’re the only one who actually calls him in rehab
• You absolutely hate Reginald
• On your bad days Klaus randomly shows up at your home with your favourite takeaway
• You’re absolutely devastated about Dave
• You go back to the veteran’s bar after hearing what happened to Klaus there and give them Hell
• You are always there trying to help him reach sobriety by setting daily goals/rewarding the goals completed with some good food
• “Would you shut up?” “Klaus I wasn’t even speaking”
• Lots of dramatic gasps from the both of you
• He gives the best hugs
• He likes to try and take care of you when you’re sick but he almost burns the kitchen down trying to make soup so you make it for the both of you
• You two sharing songs to listen to
• “You’re a whore” “I’m a slut get it right”
• He insists on going everywhere with you, even if you’re just shopping
• “For the last motherFUCKING time Klaus, I am not buying you a kitkat” “but please”
• People always think you’re dating and you both make overdramatize gagging sounds to that
• The one time you went along with the “dating” facade was when you first met the Academy because Klaus was getting a kick out of it
• Klaus likes to surprise you with randomly timed, really strange gifts
• “I appreciate it so much, I really do, but I don’t know why I need a ceramic frog?”
• On Halloween you go as a joint costume
• You would never admit it but you’d do almost anything to make Klaus healthy and happy
• You’d also love to meet Ben
• He sleeps over so much he basically lives with you
• He actually did live with you when he was going back and forth in between rehab
• Really stupid bets at the worst times
• “I bet you two bucks you won’t be able to catch that seagull” “think again bitch”
• You appreciate Diego a lot but you give Luther dirty looks when Klaus isn’t looking
• He’s super clingy but you low key love it
• Whenever you go to a restaurant Klaus insists it’s his birthday
• Klaus left you at the Academy while he was out once and came back to you and Five drinking margaritas and having a really deep conversation
• Grace basically thinks of you as an eighth kid
• “Fuck you” “you wish you could ;)”

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

klaus comforting you headcanon

• Really long hugs
• Really tight hugs too, almost like he’s trying to fit all your broken pieces back into place
• Him being silent for a while trying to choose what to say
• Klaus having to ask Ben what to say since he’s better with this kinda stuff
• “It’s okay, everything is gonna be okay” though neither of you are sure whether he’s trying to convince you or himself
• Him letting you cry into his favourite shirt without any hesitation, but if anyone else were to touch it without so much as washing their hands he would scream
• He pats your head a lot, but in a way it’s really reassuring
• He also ends up playing with your hair which you think is therapeutic
• He starts freaking out when you begin hyperventilating
• Him refusing to leave your side even though you say that it’s okay
• You two just talking for a long time
• You can tell how hard he’s trying to be serious and tell him it’s okay
• He ends up telling jokes trying to make you feel better — some are badly timed but you appreciate it anyways
• Cue Ben, facepalming in the afterlife
• Once you finish crying he’s still tentative to leave you alone
• Mama Klaus takes over
• You’re not hungry but he forces you to eat
• Ben stares into the camera like he’s on the office as Klaus tries to force feed you toast
• He tries the make the rest of your day as calm as possible
• He makes everyone go real easy on you
• “LUTHER YOU SON OF A BITCH” “ALL I ASKED WAS IF THEY COULD PASS THE SALT???¿¿¿”
• Asks every two minutes if you’re okay and if you need anything
• If he’s not checking on you he’s forcing Diego to
• He tries to bake you cupcakes but they end up lopsided and a little overbaked
• You enjoy them anyway
• “If anybody ever hurts you lemme know and I’ll kick their ass” “Klaus you cried when you saw a ladybug on your knee”
• He insists that you two have a movie marathon
• He keeps trying to get you to throw popcorn into his mouth but he always misses it
• “One more time, I’ve got it this” “we both know that you don’t”
• You end up doing a lot more laughing than crying over the course of the day
• “Hey … thanks for helping me today, Klaus” “no problem boblem” “I hate you”

*Five, clearly annoyed with Klaus*

Klaus: What? Why are you upset?

Klaus, softly: Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

Ben: Hey … if olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Vanya: Oh, baby oil? It’s just—

Klaus: B a b y m i l k

Vanya:…

Vanya:Klaus—

Klaus: ᴹᵘˢᵗ ᵐⁱˡᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᵇⁱᵉˢ

dave and klaus when things get spicy ;)

Klaus: Well, allow me to slip into something a little more … comfortable

Dave: Ooouuuu ;)

Klaus, sliding into a trash can: I’m a failure

*debating*

luther: *finishes argument*

reginald: your turn, number two.

diego: yeah, so everything he just said is bullshit