#umbrella academy headcanon

Klaus, chucking a baby Jesus figurine at Five: SEASONS YEETINGS

Klaus: We’re fuck ups, but we’re the good kind.

Allison: What’s the bad kind?

Klaus, pointing at Five who’s mounted a vending machine and proceeded to demonically screech at it:That.

Person: So who’s your dad?

Klaus, whose father traumatized him to the point where he had to look towards drugs and alcohol for relief: Papa John.

Klaus: I can’t believe Diego! “Klaus, your hummus obsession has gone too far”. The JERK!

Ben: Uhm … are you … sure he doesn’t have a point?

Klaus, shaking and on his third hummus jar that day: Why would you say such a thing?

klaus snippet

He cried.

He couldn’t find it in him to do anything else — the voices, the ghosts, they were always there. They tormented him every day of his life, they tore him apart bit by bit until there was nothing left of him but a silhouette of a broken child.

And he silenced them all. Dave. He silenced them with his lopsided smiles and the way he held hands and the way his eyes lit up when he was excited. He silenced them with his jokes that were so horrible they were funny, with this light that just seemed to chase away all of Klaus’ shadows. He chased away the darkness. Every little thing he did finally gave Klaus the allusion of happiness he’d always craved.

Until it faded, and he was left with a body, the memories and all the voices he’d tried so hard to keep at bay.

And so he laid upon his lover one last time, holding him as if he were trying to squeeze the smallest bit of life out of him.

He cried, but all anybody heard was the gunshots.

Klaus: Look at that son of a bitch

Diego:

Diego: People feel uncomfortable when you refer to dogs that way

Five: Oh, suck my dick

Klaus: That’s incest and pedophilia. It’s double illegal.

Ben: D I L L E G A L

Klaus, severely touch-starved: Sometimes you’ve just gotta be your own daddy.

Five, poking his head in his room: Hi sorry I overheard you and I’ve got a quick question: what the fuck

TUA Disney Trip Headcanon

• Klaus packing three suitcases for a four day trip
• Diego INSISTS on wearing his stupid leather suit despite the fact that they’re going to Florida
• Vanya goes on all the kiddie rides with Ben while Klaus, Diego and Five head straight for the Tower of Terror
• Allison is busy taking photos of anything and everything they find
• Ben begs for a Mickey balloon but Klaus bumps into it and it floats away
• Ben’s crying so hard that Klaus promises he’ll buy him a churro later
• They collectively buy every kind of junk food that is offered to them
• Vanya is the designated Bag Holder™ whilst the others go on the big rides
• Allison stays with Vanya because she refuses to let anything happen to her hair
• Ben and Luther are most excited for Animal Kingdom ;)
• Klaus and Allison (and even Vanya) are looking forward to meeting the princesses
• Five spends the whole trip complaining that “we should’ve gone to Universal”
• They spot Kenny and his mom and Five makes a run for it
• Klaus takes tons of photos in front of the big castle captioned “I’m home bitches”
• Klaus spends about half an hour talking to Cruella De Vil about fashion
• Vanya ends up talking to Cinderella a whole lot
• Allison makes fun of the others for how excited they are when they meet the characters yet she gets all flustered meeting Tiana
• Luther has a loooong conversation with Gaston
• “People just don’t get us, y’know?” “I hear ya, Lugger”
• Klaus wanders off so much that they group threatens to buy him a leash
• Klaus’ response? “Kinky”
• Vanya insists on buying every souvenir they come by
• Luther is literally the only one worrying about the budget the rest are just blowing through it
• Klaus proceeds to wear his Mickey Ears for the next month and a half
• “THIS PLACE IS EVEN BETTER THAN DRUGS” *a mother turns her child in the other direction*
• Klaus is smiling through the entire experience and Vanya is too
• Klaus also gets tired within their first twenty minutes of the park
• “I told you NOT to wear heels, Klaus” “Beauty is pain”
• Vanya carries around SPF 100 wherever she goes
• Luther ends up piggybacking Klaus half the time
• Ben slaps anyone anytime they swear because “the children”
• Klaus gets so warm he ends up dunking his head in the fountain
• Some way or another Klaus ends up being chased by security guards while Mickey Mouse gives him a disappointed look
• “I need to piss” “we’re on a fucking rollercoaster”
• Luther has to sit out on a lot of rides cuz he can’t fit in the seats
• “Hey! Five! It’s you!” *Five glares as Klaus points towards Peter Pan*
• “I am nothing like you, you freeloading little pixie. I’ve saved the world, I’ve done things that your tiny brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend. I am superior to you in every way.” “Can you fly?” *Five growls*
• In the end Vanya is literally red from burns and they all have to drag Klaus onto the plane to leave

the academy at 3am

*hears a loud bang from downstairs*

Diego: Uhhhh what the fuck

Luther: What was that

Five, sighing: It’s too early for this

Vanya: Let’s go make sure nobody’s hurt

*they go downstairs only to find Klaus crouching over many fallen foods and the kitchen door wide open*

Diego: Klaus WHAT the fuck

Klaus: çrēåmëd ćørñ

Five: Fuck off

Klaus: Well only if off is okay with it

Being Klaus’ best friend Headcanon

• You’re basically the majority of his impulse control
• You’re the one to ask “why?” and he’s the one to ask “why not?”
• You’re the first person Klaus has ever told about Ben
• Ben loves you. Like literally loves you.
• “Klaus, why did you steal three packs of jolly ranchers and a celery??? You don’t even like celery!” “Cuz I can”
• Banter 24/7. Sometimes it gets so intense that people think you’re actually mad at each other.
• 2am drives to McDonalds because Klaus as craving nuggets and Diego sure as hell wouldn’t take him
• You two talk a lot about random things that cross your minds and the weirdest, most quiet hours
• You two lay in bed together, your head on his stomach as he plays with your hair with one hand and holds a cigarette in the other
• You two like to make up super complex handshakes when you’re drunk, even though you can never remember them the day after
• You hate watching any movies with him because he talks way too much
• “I will literally rip your dick off” “kinky”
• Play fighting and hitting each other out of nowhere for no reason
• You’re the only person he has saved in his phone contacts other than the house phone which he has saved as “nope”
• You two don’t have a very sentimental relationship and are definitely more like brother and sister
• You were there when he got all his tattoos
• When the Umbrella Academy didn’t realize he was gone, you were the only one that went to look for him by yourself
• “I made you these brownies!” “do they have drugs in them?” “Hmmm … I don’t remember …”
• When he tells the Umbrella Academy that he’s made a friend they all think you’re imaginary
• He helps you choose your outfits and paints your nails
• You do his makeup
• Even though you both swear not to be “cheesy”, you still manage to find sneaky ways of letting him know he’s important and amazing, etc.
• “I hate you” “I love you toooooo”
• You find out about his powers when you ask him to come to your grandmother’s funeral and he starts crying thinking about the mausoleum incident
• You also are the first (after Ben) to learn about Klaus’ trauma
• You’re the only one who actually calls him in rehab
• You absolutely hate Reginald
• On your bad days Klaus randomly shows up at your home with your favourite takeaway
• You’re absolutely devastated about Dave
• You go back to the veteran’s bar after hearing what happened to Klaus there and give them Hell
• You are always there trying to help him reach sobriety by setting daily goals/rewarding the goals completed with some good food
• “Would you shut up?” “Klaus I wasn’t even speaking”
• Lots of dramatic gasps from the both of you
• He gives the best hugs
• He likes to try and take care of you when you’re sick but he almost burns the kitchen down trying to make soup so you make it for the both of you
• You two sharing songs to listen to
• “You’re a whore” “I’m a slut get it right”
• He insists on going everywhere with you, even if you’re just shopping
• “For the last motherFUCKING time Klaus, I am not buying you a kitkat” “but please”
• People always think you’re dating and you both make overdramatize gagging sounds to that
• The one time you went along with the “dating” facade was when you first met the Academy because Klaus was getting a kick out of it
• Klaus likes to surprise you with randomly timed, really strange gifts
• “I appreciate it so much, I really do, but I don’t know why I need a ceramic frog?”
• On Halloween you go as a joint costume
• You would never admit it but you’d do almost anything to make Klaus healthy and happy
• You’d also love to meet Ben
• He sleeps over so much he basically lives with you
• He actually did live with you when he was going back and forth in between rehab
• Really stupid bets at the worst times
• “I bet you two bucks you won’t be able to catch that seagull” “think again bitch”
• You appreciate Diego a lot but you give Luther dirty looks when Klaus isn’t looking
• He’s super clingy but you low key love it
• Whenever you go to a restaurant Klaus insists it’s his birthday
• Klaus left you at the Academy while he was out once and came back to you and Five drinking margaritas and having a really deep conversation
• Grace basically thinks of you as an eighth kid
• “Fuck you” “you wish you could ;)”

Happy birthday Cameron!!

Vanya to literally anybody: *whispering* yeah uh, today’s my birthd—

Luther, crashing through the ceiling: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES

klaus comforting you headcanon

• Really long hugs
• Really tight hugs too, almost like he’s trying to fit all your broken pieces back into place
• Him being silent for a while trying to choose what to say
• Klaus having to ask Ben what to say since he’s better with this kinda stuff
• “It’s okay, everything is gonna be okay” though neither of you are sure whether he’s trying to convince you or himself
• Him letting you cry into his favourite shirt without any hesitation, but if anyone else were to touch it without so much as washing their hands he would scream
• He pats your head a lot, but in a way it’s really reassuring
• He also ends up playing with your hair which you think is therapeutic
• He starts freaking out when you begin hyperventilating
• Him refusing to leave your side even though you say that it’s okay
• You two just talking for a long time
• You can tell how hard he’s trying to be serious and tell him it’s okay
• He ends up telling jokes trying to make you feel better — some are badly timed but you appreciate it anyways
• Cue Ben, facepalming in the afterlife
• Once you finish crying he’s still tentative to leave you alone
• Mama Klaus takes over
• You’re not hungry but he forces you to eat
• Ben stares into the camera like he’s on the office as Klaus tries to force feed you toast
• He tries the make the rest of your day as calm as possible
• He makes everyone go real easy on you
• “LUTHER YOU SON OF A BITCH” “ALL I ASKED WAS IF THEY COULD PASS THE SALT???¿¿¿”
• Asks every two minutes if you’re okay and if you need anything
• If he’s not checking on you he’s forcing Diego to
• He tries to bake you cupcakes but they end up lopsided and a little overbaked
• You enjoy them anyway
• “If anybody ever hurts you lemme know and I’ll kick their ass” “Klaus you cried when you saw a ladybug on your knee”
• He insists that you two have a movie marathon
• He keeps trying to get you to throw popcorn into his mouth but he always misses it
• “One more time, I’ve got it this” “we both know that you don’t”
• You end up doing a lot more laughing than crying over the course of the day
• “Hey … thanks for helping me today, Klaus” “no problem boblem” “I hate you”

*Five, clearly annoyed with Klaus*

Klaus: What? Why are you upset?

Klaus, softly: Is it because my shoes light up and yours don’t?

Klave First Date Headcanon EXCLUSIVELY for Tumblr fam

I wanted to celebrate getting 1000 followers! Thank you so much I love you :,)

DINNER:

• “Oh, Klaus I didn’t peg you for a purse guy” “hm? Oh I’m not this is for smuggling the breadsticks”
• Dave is in a noice button down and some black pants cuz the place they’re off to is marginally fancy
• Klaus is in a glittery pink crop top and skinny jeans, with some good ass™️ eye makeup by Allison
• It takes Dave fifteen minutes to find the academy fespite it being pretty fucking obvious
• Diego has the protective big bro chat with Dave before they go and Dave is nervous the whole time
• They’re both speechless at how good the other looks
• When Luther met Dave he thought he was Klaus’ “friend”
• Klaus wanted to go to a movie and Dave wanted to go to dinner so dinner and a movie
• Ben standing by them awkwardly telling Klaus how to navigate the situation
• “Tell him he looks nice” “he looks nice” “dude no what the fuck—”
• A whole lot of Ben sighing in the afterlife
• “KLAUS YOU CANT SMOKE IN HERE” “BEN DONT YELL AT ME IM SENSITIVE”
• Klaus gets a lil tipsy at the restaurant
• Really loud, almost obnoxious laughing from Klaus but Dave finds it adorable
• Dick jokes
• They try to do the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing via Klaus’ request but it ends up with Klaus almost falling over the table and their drinks spilt everywhere
• The two giggle their way through the night talking about whatever
• Diego. Is. Always. Near.
• Dave has to drive them everywhere coz Klaus literally can not
• Klaus folds the fabric napkins in really weird ways insisting that “they look like frogs! How can you not see it!!!”
• They go from talking about home lives to talking about their favourite shows and somehow end up in a deep conversation
• “Sometimes you just … need something that makes everything okay. Yknow? My thing used to be drugs and alcohol but I’m off that now. I need a new comfort thing.” “… I can be your comfort thing.”
• Klaus spills his drink over three times and the waiter is not amused
• When they order their food, Klaus does so in a terrible French accent trying to be fancy
• “You l … You look great t-tonight, by the way” “oh I know” “KLAUS—”
• Klaus tried his best to get the staff to let him order of the kids menu
• “Look at this baby face! I am so under ten!”
• There are some moments of silence but they aren’t awkward. Kind of like an agreed upon silence
• Theyre sharing food and Ben is insisting its gross but they both think it’s cute
• Klaus keeps trying to make moustaches out of his noodles and Dave laughs so loud the people next to them stare
• Klaus just bluntly saying whatever comes to mind and, despite Ben being terrified that Dave will be scared away or freaked out, he just goes along with it
• “Klaus I don’t think you can take the table cloth” “shhh there’s still room in my purse!”
• They end spending more time talking than eating
• Even after they pay the bill they just sit and chat and laugh like they’re the only people left on earth
• They only leave when the waiter gets fed up and straight up tells them to leave
• “Alright, just try not to miss us too much”

FILM:

• Dave once again has to drive but he’s not familiar with the part of the city they’re in so Klaus has to give him directions and they end up being 20 minutes late to their film cuz Klaus and Ben are just fighting about who’s right and end up being wrong
• “Sorry you couldn’t make out with the table cloth” “oh don’t worry! I took those fancy napkins instead”
• At the movies Klaus trieds to sneak in his purse but they check it and look at him weird when they see all the breadsticks
• “Are you denying me of my yeast?”
• He is so amusing that the teenager in charge of letting people in just lets them in anyways
• They end up sitting in the far back and sneak into the theatre very noisily
• “What do you mean you don’t take your shoes off at the movies??? Dave you weirdo!”
• They start chatting halfway through
• Klaus accidentally lets out a loud-ass laugh and gets shushed by multiple people
• Ben is one of those people
• They just end up feeding each other breadsticks and quietly giggling
• “I love you — wait oh my god I didn’t—” “hey” *boops Klaus’ nose with a breadstick* “I love you too”
• Klaus is that person™️ who’s asking questions every two seconds and Dave just answers immediately without any annoyance in his voice
• Once again they almost forget they have to leave until the staff kick em out
• They just end up giggling the whole way home while Ben exasperatedly screams directions at Klaus to tell Dave but he’s not listening
• “Boys will be boys”

tua Halloween headcanon

• Klaus’ outfits get mistaken for costumes every day of the month
• It’s Klaus’ first Halloween in a long time that he hasn’t been high or drunk and with the increase in spirits and ghosts it’s harder for him to go outside and such
• Of course he does after some long pep talks with Ben, but he’s scared shitless the first few days
• Turns out ghosts are far friendlier near Halloween and they end up having some nice chats with Klaus!
• Klaus is literally dead-set on going trick-or-treating since ol’ Reggie never let them as kids
• There’s brief talk of them hosting a “haunted house” where Klaus just gets Ben to make noise and knock shit over
• The idea is quickly shut down after Ben throws a fit about not getting his own dressing room
• “I refuse to work under such atrocious conditions” “what conditions I—”
• Diego loves Halloween but never dresses up, even though his suit always gets mistaken for a costume too
• He loves it mostly because he gets to wear black without it constantly being questioned
• Diego’s not just good at throwing knives — he’s also amazing at carving pumpkins with them!
• “Could you carve like a really detailed penis” “KLAUS! THE KIDS!” “I’m teaching them valuable information!”
• Klaus getting Luther the head of a gorilla costume “coz you don’t exactly need the body”
• “Must be weird for you, Luther. You dress like a human everyday so Halloween’s like all year for you!” “Klaus shut up now”
• Allison gets all excited and spends like hundreds of dollars on her costume
• People end up not being able to tell what she’s dressed up as and it annoys her sO much
• Whatever Klaus decides to dress up as, there’s a fuck ton of glitter
• “I’ve never seen a pirate where so much body glitter” “then you’ve never been to Vegas”
• Five refuses to dress up or go trick-or-treating but Klaus begs him to
• “Pleaaaaaase if we have an actual kid with us we can get more candy!” “I don’t even like candy” *dramatic gasp*
• In the end Five ends up giving in coz Delores wants to go
• Klaus just ends up throwing a white sheet with eyeholes over Five’s head
• “Look Ben hes dressed up as you” “I will destroy you”
• Diego almost attacks Klaus after he sings the spoopy scary skeletons song for the 18th time that night
• Vanya’s that person that just puts on a random pair of animal ears and insists it’s a costume
• Allison’s sad she doesn’t get to dress Vanya up but begrudgingly goes along with it
• Ben’s living for the priceless facial expressions these adults make when they see six 30-something-year-olds at their door
• Klaus ends up body checking a few ten-year-olds to get the last Jumbo Snickers bar
• Grace and Pogo stay home and Grace wears a big witch hat and her ghost-patterned apron
• At first she gives out the healthy stuff and then Pogo convinces her to give the kids candy
• Cue them both running around looking for candy
• They end up half sure that the rest of Klaus’ weed chocolate was accidentally given away…
• Meanwhile the siblings go through some haunted houses
• Klaus just walks straight through without so much as a blink
• Ben and Diego end up being the most scared out of them all
• Allison dying of laughter when she hears Diego’s high-pitched screeches
• “Ben why are you scared? You’re dead!”
• They end up getting back home near midnight, Klaus holding two full duffel bags of candy and smiling real wide while the others complain about their feet hurting
• Grace sits down for over an hour checking every single piece of candy to make sure it’s safe to eat
• They all decide to watch a horror movie despite Ben advocating for Halloweentown
• “I’ll trade you all my Twixes for your jolly ranchers” “deal”
• They end up watching Annabelle and Diego continuously scoots away from Five, giving Delores strange looks
• Literally as soon as it hits 12 they just hear loud Christmas music and Grace come downstairs in her snowman-patterned apron
• “Mom no” “but—” “mom. No.”
• Vanya falls asleep half an hour into the film and Diego is astounded
• Klaus ends up getting glitter and candy wrappers everywhere

tua at an art museum

Vanya: Ah yes, The Mona Lisa, the half length portrait painting by Italian Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci.

Five: Thought of as one of the most infamous, and valuable paintings on earth with the insurance valuation of $650 million dollars.

Luther: Truly marvellous.

Allison:Beautiful.

Klaus: AY THAT STATUE OVER THERE KINDA LOOKS LIKE A DICK

Diego:YOOOOOOOOOO

TUA beach Headcanon

• DIEGO STILL WEARS THE GODDAMN SUIT
• “Tell me that thing is not waterproof” “oh but it is”
• Five is the most reluctant to go
• “If you don’t wanna go to the beach we can send you to the water park” “I’ll choke you out”
• They go to a secluded beach so Luther can be his furry self
• Klaus going out of his way to take aesthetic photos for Allison’s Instagram
• Vanya wears a big floppy hat
• Klaus chases what he thinks is an octopus for the majority of the time
• “Ben I’m trying to track down your cousin!!!” “Shut up”
• It ends up being a piece of seaweed
• Klaus brings a Dora the Explorer towel
• Diego refuses to put on sunscreen as well as Luther
• Theyb ur n
• Vanya sits and reads the whole time
• Allison refuses to get her hair wet so she doesn’t go in very far into the water
• Diego ends up shoving her and she falls in all the way and they all have a splash battle
• Allison wins
• Klaus tries to make a sand castle
• The key word there is tries
• Vanya tales aesthetic photos of the sky and the water while Klaus and Diego have a competition on who can hold the most sand in their mouth at one time
• Their sandwiches end up tasting like water… and they’re pretty crunchy too…
• Five hates the feeling of sand between his toes so he makes Luther carry him everywhere
• Five asks if they can leave every ten minutes
• “No we’re staying” “I will literally take the car right now”
• Them being extra they decide to go to like the farthest beach ever
• They stop every half an hour at a Dairy Queen because someone has to piss or wants food
• Klaus wears floaties
• It’s because Ben makes him wear them
• They literally stay at the beach all day
• “THERES A BEE IN THE CAR FUCK” *screeching ensues*
• “Why do I have to be here I can literally just teleport”
• At least one person complains about every song on the radio so they have to constantly change it
• They all take turns driving
• “Hey guys can I drive?” “KLAUS NO”
• They almost get pulled over when Five drives
• They end up screaming along to 2000s pop songs while Five broods and complains in the backseat
• Klaus brings a shit ton of snacks and eats them ALL on the way there
• They find sand in their clothes for weeks after the fact
• Klaus buries Diego whilst he’s asleep
• Diego curses for ten minutes after he wakes up
• Five ends up looking for sea glass for Vanya because he knows how happy that makes her
• Vanya and Five also try finding some cool rocks
• Diego ends up pelting Klaus with the cool rocks
• They have to end up pulling Klaus away
• Five has fun but doesn’t admit it (And brings back some sea glass for Delores)
• They being a beach ball at the start but by the time they leave it is nowhere to be found

requested by: anon. i think i got a little carried away with this - he’s one of my favouritest characters ever. thanks for the request <3
warnings: this may seem a little… well, you know. but i promise, there’s nothing inappropriate here! besides, he is an old man.

• At first, it’d be very uncomfortable to be around him at all. He’s like thirteen but speaks with a certain maturity that’s just very… odd. What kind of thirteen year old can have in-depth discussions about the Vietnam war and nineteen-forties politics as if he were there?
• But then the Hargreeves would take you aside and explain that although he’s thirteen, and although he was born on the same day as the rest of them, he’s actually fifty-eight. Again, it’s odd and a bit scary at first, but when you think about it, it’s entirely logical.
• You’d build a quick friendship when you finally understand him, and it’d catch fire quickly. You’d love to hear all his stories, his thoughts and terrifying knowledge of the apocalypse. But coming from an animated young man who had the patience of a grouchy old fogey, it was hilarious.
• He’d get annoyed at you the first time you start laughing while he’s talking. He’d demand to know why, call you childish, and walk off. The irony would just make you cackle harder.
• But soon, he’d begin to see your point. He’d crack a smile when he could see you trying to keep your laughter in, and although he’d get annoyed at your OAP jokes, he’d shake his head and let you have it.
• But only you. If anyone else were to try the same, he wouldn’t have it. That’s when he’d know you were different, that he felt some type of way about you.
• Soon it would come about that when you’re least expecting it, he’d randomly pop up by your side. Making dinner? You’d have to cook for two, just in case he showed up in the middle of your eating. Gonna take a shower? You gotta leave a note on the fridge, just in case he shows up and can’t find you.
• Sometimes you’d get home from work and find a note on your fridge that you didn’t put there. It’d tell you to check the oven - and you’d find that he’d cooked dinner for you.
• You’d never know, but he’d charge his siblings with making sure you’re okay when he’s off doing Five-things. You’d find that you’d have lunch dates with Allison more than before, and more than once you’d wake up in the night because of a fistfight outside your house. You’d lean out the window and tell Diego to go home.
• Klaus would tease the both of you - it would rub Five the wrong way when he calls out “cradle-robber”, knowing fully it could apply to the both of you. You’d think it hilarious, which is just lucky because otherwise Five would grill Klaus for days.
• You’d find yourself fitting into the dysfunctional family rather nicely, and you’re actually appreciated there - perhaps you’re a glint of that normality that they all miss out on. Perhaps its also because they’re glad someone can understand Five, and help him adapt to his weird situation.
• Eventually, he’d have no choice but to tell you how he feels, lest he wants to suffocate in his feelings. He’d have tried to keep them in, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable or -god forbid- chase you away. But when he crashes your dinner and finds that you have a guy over for dinner (a guy your own age, dammit), his temperament would sour so quickly. He’d ask questions he didn’t want to know the answer to, and you’d be able to tell from how cold he was that he wasn’t alright. When he zaps away, you wouldn’t see him for another week. No notes, no random appearances, he’s not even around when you visit the Academy. Nothing.
• It’s only when Allison talks to him about how hard he is to be around that he decides he needs to fix it. Well, she blackmails him. “If you don’t do it, I’ll hear a rumour and you’ll do it anyway.” He may or may not have thrown a coffee cup or two in frustration.
• So he appears one evening, but this time, he only appears on your front step. He’d have to check from looking into one of the windows that it is where you live, because he’s never actually been stood outside it before - he just zaps right in. So when you answer the door, he’s both relieved and absolutely devastated.
• You’d invite him in, very confused, and make him a cup of coffee. He’d drink it all and ask for another one before he even says a word about what’s on his mind.
• When he does, it’s blunt. He explains why, and although you find it tremendously cute, he approaches it like a math question. Logical, systematic, trying to keep emotion out of it. But you can tell he’s nervous and upset, that this means a great deal to him. His voice is his typical explaining, analytical voice, but he clutches the coffee cup until his knuckles turn white and he struggles to meet your eye.
• Understandably, you’d feel a little uncomfortable with his confession. On one hand he’s thirteen, but on the other he’s fifty-eight. Either way, it’s… uncomfortable.
• But, you’d lean across the table, take his coffee cup, and place your hand over his. Clearly he’s suffering, knowing it can’t happen. But that doesn’t mean you have to be cold.
• You’d smile at him, and he’d give a blue smile in return. You’d explain to him that it can’t happen, and of course, he’d nod. He knows.
• You’d propose waiting for him - when he’s older, maybe you can give it a shot then.
• He’d be so salty. “When I’m twenty-five I’ll be seventy, you know.”
• You’d laugh at that, and he’d crack a smile at the familiar situation. You’d kiss his forehead before he goes, knowing it’d mean something different to him than it did to you. But what can you do in that situation?
• Before long, things would be back to normal. He’d be irritable, though charming, and your best friend, though simultaneously a child and old man. He’d will himself to push through the days, waiting for the day he’s ‘older’, and would spend each of those days reaffirming you that you mean so much to him, dinner in the oven and sweets left on the table with a note. You mean the most.

written by: archie