#today in fake history
Max Rebo organizes a number a musicians to record a single protesting the prejudiced Mos Eisley Cantina’s policy of not allowing in Droids. The song “Not Gonna Play (Mos Eisley)” reaches the top of the charts on Tatooine.
The White House sets up the special “Hotline” between Washington and Moscow so JFK will stop tying up the White House phone talking to all those floozies.
Lieutenant Columbo dies after solving every murder case in Los Angeles.
President Lyndon B. Johnson is born, and instantly pulls out his dick, so all the doctors and nurses can see it’s giganticness.
The Indianapolis Speedway held it’s first car race, featuring two Stanley Steamers. The steam-powered race cars only went 5 miles per hour for 20 feet, causing the passengers to get out and shovel coal into the boiler. The race went on for days until the Model T Ford was invented.
William the Conqueror accidentally invents the English language in a post-invasion interview.
The United States formally proclaims it’s neutrality at the outbreak of World War I, thus defeating the whole point of the name.
Following the death of President Warren G. Harding, it takes 14 advisers and his entire family to get Vice President Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge to finish the Oath of Office, after only saying two words and walking away.
America’s favorite pastime is watching Pedestrians walk swiftly around Stanford White’s buildings, looking for his secret sex rooms.
Jimmy Hoffa disappears after he’s selected as a volunteer from the audience to assist The Great Gambini in a magic box trick at the Mafia-Magic showcase at Giants Stadium.
After the massive success of The Godfather Part II, unauthorized shirts pop up everywhere with the phrase “It was an abortion, Michael!” accompanied by a cartoon by Robert Crumb.
The City of Baltimore is founded by the Maryland General Assembly, and instantly regretted.
NASA is created as a government patronage-pit to stick all those Nazi scientists we hired after World War II.
FDR creates the UCB as part of his New Deal.
The US Treasury notices an uptick in NYC theatre kids reporting counterfeit $10 bills with Alexander Hamilton as an old white man.
St. Petersburg, Florida is quickly incorporated before it recedes back into the mist for another four years.
Carmen Sandiego steals the Berlin Wall.
In an interview with New York Times, Vice President Richard Nixon expresses his dissatisfaction with the show I Love Lucy, claiming it is breaking down pure traditional marriage in this Country by displaying an interracial marriage. He is quoted “Shame on the television networks for allowing America to be subjected to this race-mixing marriage between a fine upstanding hard-working Cuban gentleman like Ricky Ricardo and a dirty, despicable Irish conniver like Lucy.“
The United States purchase of Spanish Florida is hailed as the greatest dick joke President John Quincy Adams ever made.
The Sesame Street Riots begin after Gordon accidentally hits Elmo with a car while following Mr. Hooper’s motorcade. The following day, in an act of revenge, Herry Monster and Grover go to the human side of the street and beat up Linda the Librarian.
