#tw ed talk
Y’all I am struggling
I took one week off of any sort of compensation from eating. I didn’t restrict I just tried to eat three meals a day.
My metabolism is faster than before but my weight is higher.
I have new rules now, I’m trying them out until they don’t work.
1. I restrict now instead of fasting. I’ll do this until my metabolism is too slow again
2. Keep restriction days and purge days separate. They don’t mix well.
3. if this fails me then I’ll go back to my fasting. I won’t allow my weight to creep up anymore than it has.
Im in my iced coffee era
Im sick of not shitting.
However
Laxitives do NOT need to be added to my list of problems
Yesterday, I ate two turkey wraps and cheese and crackers with grapes. I bought them from my school cafeteria so I do not know the calories.
I did not purge.
I will not be updating my weight today.
(It’s 106.4. I’m scared. Irrationally so. But still. I didn’t sleep at all and that’s crucial for digestion. I also never fucking eat. So like. It’s not fat. It’s food.)
I will not be eating without purging today (I hope to liquid fast but who knows).
This isn’t recovery. This isn’t restriction. It’s sort of like a metabolism day? Except usually people restrict their calories every other day… I just puke or liquid fast. I’m hoping to incorporate a few of these days a month. Idk. I want my body to remember how to digest food and my chronic pain is returning and if I don’t give my body SOMETHING to work with it’ll only get worse and I don’t want that.
Also Food taste so much better when you plan on keeping it down. God it’s like my tastebuds knew I wasn’t teasing them.
Also i had a Voice lesson after I ate some food. Best voice lesson I’ve had in two years. Holy shit does having a full stomach like support your diaphragm or something? My voice was so strong. I actually enjoyed singing again. Not to mention it was purge free day up to that point so ya know… clear throat… clear tone.
The bullimic urge to blow your leftovers out of your nose before class.
It’s so fowl.
