#deja vu

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i just had the weirdest moment, i was feeling my front teeth with my tongue because they’re the tiniest bit crooked, and then i had the thought “i’ll check if they’re also crooked in my other mouth” and then i realized to my shock and confusion that i have only one mouth, leading me to believe that in a past life i was a terrible monster with two mouths

A few months ago, I thought to myself “Mmm I’m so tired… how much longer in this one again?” and I knew instinctively what I meant by ‘this one’ was this body and this life. I then spend a few wide-eyed moments having an identity/existential crisis like how many times have I been on this earth to have such an instinctive response to being bone-weary to my soul? No one can really answer, especially not me.

In July 2017, one night I woke up around 2 a.m and blurted out in a quasi professorial voice “the Equinox Bird has infinite beaks, all in the wrong direction, and infinite eyes” and I don’t know what the fuck I was dreaming about but it still haunts me. It seemed like a very important information for a few seconds.

i really appreciate the last commenter giving us an exact date and time like that information needs to be preserved

One time I passed out on the couch after going a few days without sleep, and when I woke up mom said I had been speaking in German in my sleep, and it sounded like I was ordering people to build something

When I was like 5 my mom took me to the grave of her friend that died of cancer and I asked what happened and my mom explained that she died and i fucking said “I died once” and my mom asked me to explain and I went into pretty detailed explanation about how I died in a war because “I got stabbed by a gun with a knife at the end” (my exact words) and I met god and she (she’s a woman obvs) asked if I wanted to stay or go back to earth and I said I wanted to go back so I chose my mom cause she was struggling to have a baby (she had me through IVF) and lemme tell you that changed her like nothing will make you second guess your religious beliefs like a five year old explaining heaven and god to you

this post is a fucking ride and it reminded me of something i forgot

one time i was playing on my wii (like 5-ish years ago) and i thought to myself “i haven’t checked on rowan in a week, has he died from the plague? :(“ and i didn’t think anything of it for a bit until later when i had a “what the fuck” moment

I love this kind of shit because it happens to me all the goddamn time. Like:

-The other night I rolled over in the middle of the night to shake my partner awake, proceeded to tell him how I was glad that ‘this time round we would truly have the freedom to love each other properly’ and how his hands belonged to his last self, but his eyes had never changed in all the lives I’d known him. And he just laid there in the dark like wtf because I was asleep. Like I’d woken him to tell him that all in my sleep and then left him to have a crisis.

- Watching the history channel with my Pop on the couch, tender age of 7, and they’re talking about crucifixion. And my pop, ever the funny man, is like “that looks like it aughta hurt”. And I just turn to look at him and without hesitation reply “only at first”. And he’s like “what do you mean” and tiny me just shrugged and said “well there’s a place beyond the hurt where everything just stops” and he turned the telly off and left the room.

- night before Christmas 2012, dreamt I’d been stabbed in the lungs by an angel with the face of a falcon. He looked at me and told me he had to do it, so that ‘my next breath would come as a rebirth’. When he started to glow so brightly that it burned my eyes, I woke up to all the lights in my house on and a dark bruise beneath my rib cage. Will admit, that one freaked me out.

- walked past a graveyard with a friend back in middle school on the way to her house, and mid conversation I stopped talking and stood stock still, looked over at the walls,and quietly said “I have a friend in there”. Then picked up the conversation and continued strolling like nothing had happened. To be fair, I didn’t realise what I’d said. She still tells me I’m the reason she can’t walk past that graveyard anymore.

- a couple of years ago when I was in Wales I walked past an old stone house just outside of Aberystwyth, and just started to weep. I had the overwhelming thought that I needed to be in there to get dinner ready for the children, but in a different life so long ago and so impossible to reach, that thefeeling of loss was instant and overwhelming.

- was about to use a pedestrian crossing, when my whole body just sort of went hey don’t do that, and so I stopped and put my arm out to stop the woman who was crossing behind me, and 2 seconds later a car came skidding around the corner and crashed into the tree on the other side of the crossing, and I just whispered “ha, not this time” and didn’t really think about it until later when I realised I’d nearly died again. (Btw i waited for th ambulance to show up and the dude driving the car was fine, just hit his head and was drunk af at 10:30am on a Thursday).

- another dream I had just this week, I was sitting in an otherwise empty cinema with a tall, thin man. I can’t really recall what he looked like, except he was well dressed, impossibly pale, and he kind of blurred when you looked directly at him, so I mainly watched him out the corner of my eye and looked ahead at the blank movie screen. He was holding my hand, and he asked me if i enjoyed my life. I said yes and explained why. He then said, almost verbatim, “And how does this one weigh against the last? Can it tip the scales, or is it, at last, to be found lacking?” And I replied, almost verbatim “I weigh my lives against my joy, and each life I find there is more joy to be discovered.” He replied with a laugh, lifted my hand to a kiss and said “till next time then” and disappeared. I woke up in the dark with both my cats sitting on me, alert, and staring out my bedroom door.

So many more, but these are the first that come to mind.

When I was little, my mother, my sister and I would dream in unison so often that one time when my mother was having a rather dull dream about golf my tiny 3 year old self shook her awake and told her to stop because it was boring. She dreaded having nightmares because both of us would wake up shrieking. 

My sister and I have also been known to argue in our sleep. Witnesses assure us that whatever made the shouting start, we both knew what it was and were mad about it. We don’t need to be in the same room for this.

We also stayed in a haunted house for a while. An old lady had fallen in the chilly hallway just outside the warm kitchen, broken her hip, and couldn’t reach high enough to open the door, so she died of hypothermia a foot away from a telephone and warmth. Without fail, every person who stood in that spot and tried to open that door - the single most used door in the house, being between the kitchen and the bathroom and front door - felt cold and found themselves scrabbling frantically at the door handle, which was always strangely hard to open from that side. You got used to it to an extent, but it always hit strangers hard. 

Whaaaaaaaaaat the shit

@actualcandyforducks are u jesus

Ok I just have to add my own experiences on here so I’m chronological order…

I’ve always had déjà-vu, it’s always super real and I always try to do something weird to “snap out of it”, but sometimes it “predicts” the weird thing too.

When I was 8-9 ish, I had the really vivid dream. I was tired and groggy, my mom and I were at a stake n shake (a very sentimental place to me), we were sitting in a booth and in a booth across from us there were like 10 people all crammed into one. They were having a good time and not harming anyone so I didn’t care. We were waiting for the food to arrive when my moms phone rang, when she picked it up she said “hey…. oh my gosh” (or something along those lines). She kept talking and hung up the phone, she then looked at me and said “papa died”. It was a weird dream and I kinda brushed it off as one of my “acid trip dreams” (where everything’s really weird but makes complete sense at the same time). A year or so later, there we were, at that state n shake, and my mom got the call. But this time I knew what was happening so I was already crying by the time she hung up the phone and she looked at me and I just asked “papa?” And she nodded. I was crying obviously, I was a kid who just lost a grandfather, and the group looked at us and just became very sad all of the sudden.

Next, in 5th grade, it was really late (or early) and I was trying to go to sleep, but I had this feeling that something was WRONG. So I stayed up pacing my room until I heard my dad slamming open the door to his room and going into the living room (he went out sometimes to watch news in there but he was always trying not to wake my mom). And I had the feeling like “ok it’s over now” and went to sleep. The next morning I found out that my grandpa had fallen, hit his head, and fell into a coma where he died a week later.

In 8th grade I was sitting awake one night, reading my book (Simon vs the homosapiens agenda, 10/10 would reccomend) and I got this string feeling that I was gonna die the next day. Like I was freaking out, writing a makeshift will, whatever when I texted one of my friends and told her. She responded “oh yeah, this dude threatened to shoot yo the school tomorrow”. I had not heard of this before then but I said to myself that I was gonna finish the book before I die no matter what… so I did. There was not a shooting the next day but a bunch of people left early and my only thought was “I have to stay to protect my friend”.

These are more recent and a lot less weird. So at the beginning of the pandemic (February ish, there weren’t any cases in my state), I was going to this church event/concert. While I was there waiting, the crowd began to gather so I just kinda noped out and went to the bathroom and started having a panic attack. The next day I felt sick, like REALLY sick. And I was sick for ~2 weeks, coughing, not being able to breathe, runny nose and congestion like you wouldn’t belive. Later my doctors said i most likely had COVID and my mom said God was trying to keep me from infecting more people. Lastly, I was at another church event (again, what is it with me and church events?) and I was hit in the head really hard during a game. I felt woozy and my head hurt a lot so I sat down for a bit and went home early. The next day we had a lake retreat for a day and all the boa ta we were gonna use for tubing either fell through or broke the day of. They said it was the first time in 20 years anything like this happened. So I didn’t go tubing, which is a shame cause I love it but when I do I go HARD, like I have a death wish levels. (I actually got a concussion from it one time and a girl that went to the lake a few days before us had also gotten a concussion from tubing…) the next day I started feeling foggy and my head hurt with light and stuff so I realized I had a concussion but my only thought was “God made it so the boat wouldn’t work so I wouldn’t be dumb and get hurt worse”.

You know this..you’ve been there once, yet you just can’t walk away from it.. It’s like a magnet that keeps pulling you back, you try to fight it back but in vain. You let yourself drown in again, knowing that it’ll hurt in the end. You’ve always been there for that person, ready to do anything for him/her, yet this always seems to be not enough.. You try your best to be the one that the person needs yet when they find someone else they leave you and when they’re left they come back to you..and you let them back.. It’s like you are an object that they use as and when they need but you just seem unable to walk away from them though being fully conscious of the situation..

I’ll be using this all the time now

Is this allowed.Am I seeing things??

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San of ATEEZ :“)

Surprise! I was inspired by their new album, "Deja Vu” ;-;

✨ BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT? ✨

what is it about a certain chilly breeze, about a certain specific scent of books or wood or the sea, or about the gaze of a companion that evokes such specific emotions? what is the source of deja vu, or perhaps, yearning? what makes us long for something more, for something further than what our fingertips can graze? do we, subconsciously, sense that our souls once sang in a world that is a lifetime away?

myloveateez:

Car rides to Malibu

Strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two

And tradin’ jackets

Laughin’ ‘bout how small it looks on you

Watching reruns of Glee

Bein’ annoying, singin’ in harmony

I bet she’s braggin’ to all her friends

Sayin’ you’re so unique, hmm

So when you gonna tell her

That we did that, too?

She thinks it’s special, but it’s all reused

That was our place, I found it first

I made the jokes you tell to her

When she’s with you

Do you get déjà vu when she’s with you?

Do you get déjà vu? Hmm

Do you get déjà vu, huh?

Do you call her, almost say my name?

'Cause let’s be honest, we kinda do sound the same

Another actress

I hate to think that I was just your type

CHAPTER 9

<last & next>

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If you don’t get Deja Vu.. you’re not consistent

i just watched the ‘deja vu’ mv and honestly… i have no words to say how perfect it is.

the music is so good and catchy. there are cars (i liked cars since i was a child, so yeah). the visuals with the rain are so beautiful. everyone is so freakin’ handsome (even the ones who are not my bias). and, dare i say it, some of their moves were… pretty seductive? at least, in my eyes, it seemed like this, but i don’t want you guys to think that i only like them because of their looks ^^’

(also, first time i saw it, i don’t why but i thought, 'hey this could be a perfect fit for a street racing au’. maybe it’s because the garage they were in made me remember fast and furious : tokyo drift. and i think that i recognized a honda civic in the mv…?)

anyway, i’ll be leaving it at this. stay safe and have a good week guys :)

Goddamn, man child … it’s kind of a sad thing seeing the smartest dude I’ve met have his shit the least together. I’m sitting across from him in Tangent Cafe exactly like last winter. Starts broaching the topic of my writing.

“I’m in it,” he says, without missing the fact that I’ve never said a thing, never mentioned a place name, beyond the fact that I did writing this year.

But it’s actually not true, bc if this person was actually in it, the story would be a lot more savage lol … and even though life has moved on, I have no problems going back to my writing.

Anyway here’s Leonard Cohen, father of old Montreal, reading Beautiful Losers.

Olivia Rodrigo - good 4 you (2021)

directed by Petra Collins