#falling out of love
do you still think about me?
do you think of the nights we spent talking for hours on end?
do you think of the moments when i’d remind you that i’d fight everything for you?
when i was still yours?
do you think of how much i would’ve given up for you and feel tears well up in your eyes?
do i even cross your mind?
-because i still think about you. every day. c.r.
“but.. this is love, isn’t it?”
his words hung tentatively in the air; she was quiet for a while.
her brow furrowed. “it was, once upon a time. it was love for what we knew love to be.”
his face fell in the way she recognized from when they were children, the way it always had, but there was a deeper sort of buried sadness beneath it, like something tragic and profound that he didn’t want her to notice.
“..and, now?”
“now…i think we know better.”
he knew she was right, of course - she always was. but at the same time, as he took in the way the sunlight emphasized the tiny freckles in her honeyed eyes, he felt that same stubborn tug in the pit of his stomach, pulling him towards her. she was the sun - she had to be, or some similar giant celestial body, for there was no other possible explanation for their painful back-and-forth, for the way he seemed to endlessly orbit her, for the distance, never closing. she wasn’t so far, not physically at least - he could smell the sweet scent of her rose shampoo, and the warm vanilla of the seemingly-omnipresent candles she’d burn in her room. yet, there was a firm resolve coloring her face - she was gone, already. again. just as she always was.
and it was then, that evening, as he watched the reflection of the sunset in her golden eyes, that he knew it was over.
-excerpt from a book i will never write. c.r.
Stalking your spotify in a lost shooted attempt to read you.
Gazing you feels more intimate than your kisses.
“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips, and then I’ll go.”
Someone Great (2019)
A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.this fucks me up every single time
I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.
After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.
She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.
Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.
The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.
Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.
I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.
This is so fucking important and I think it’s something I needed right now
I wish I could forget I ever met you
Forget how it felt to hold your hand
Forget how it felt to feel your lips pressed against mine
Forget how your fingers felt tracing along the curves of my body
And how soft your skin felt under mine
As we made passionate love to each other late at night
I wish I could forget.
Falling in love with you was like falling into alignment
The vertebrae in my spine all perfectly aligned
With the lines by your eyes when you smile
When you smile the lines turn to creases
Creases in the letters that I wrote but never sent
The letters that I wrote to you after we ended
We ended and my heart was shattered into pieces
The pieces scattered on the ground like broken glass
Broken glass formed into art, broken glass formed into my heart
I can’t believe the words you said to me
I could never act like you’re dead to me
But when you told me that you loved her
It seemed like the world lost its color
It still hurts me when I see your pictures
It makes me sick to think you kiss her
Don’t forget that I know how you taste
Now I’m up and leaving without a trace
There’s no other way that I can forget
This pit in my stomach is all of my regret
I knew you reflected me back like a mirror
Showed me where I wasn’t seeing clear
But she’s two faced and you can’t see that
You need genuine and baby I can be that
I love every story that you’ve ever told me
I love the way you know just how to hold me
How much of your life are you willing to waste
We both know that life is not a race
But wouldn’t you want to live your life
Like someone isn’t coming at you with a knife
She’s always so ready to rip you apart
Like she doesn’t even have a fucking heart
I just can’t even begin to understand
Why I didn’t want you to be my man.
October 5, 2021
Why am I so unhappy? Postpartum depression maybe. Literally nothing makes me happy but my son. He’s the o my thing that being hot into my life. But besides that if I’m not around him or if he’s sleeping I’m miserable. That’s how I feel 90% of the time even is he is up and about laughing which I love to see him doing there’s still this sadness deep down underneath that smile. My baby doesn’t make me sad or unhappy. I know what is it sort of. Recently I’m expressed my feelings or sadness on to my so called partner. The conversation started off with him asking me what’s wrong because I guess I’d been moping around all day. I told him that I haven’t been happy lately and he told me yes I have. I told him I was not happy and he asked why. I didn’t know how to properly put my answer into words so I tried my best. “I just need a break.” He took this to heart thinking that I meant from him but what I really meant was from everything. I’m a mom 24/7 and he’s a dad less then half of that, I need time to myself to figure out who I am again. I expressed this to him and all he said was okay. Okay. And this was weeks ago, he still hasn’t even tried to put in any effort to make me happy. I feel so alone. I have to fake being happy around everyone because I don’t want to seem like I don’t know I’m just a sad sap but I am. I cry every night and he doesn’t notice. And for me to actually think I was in love with him. I fouled myself. I loved him and I still do but I’m not or ever have been in love with him. He was right when I was pregnant and he said we barely knew each other. I will never regret my baby NEVER but I do regret who I had a baby with. I wish he was more caring and actually took what I wanted into consideration. “Oh baby I see that you’re overwhelmed with taking care of the baby. Let me wash the bottles and clean up the room.” No it’s never that. I do everything! I wash the babies clothes, I clean his bottles, I bath him, I dress him, I make his doctors appointments, I put him under my insurance, I get him everything he needs, I feed him, I wake up in the middle of the night to change him, I put him to sleep, I clean up after all of us. Best part is I came to love with him and his family, so we’re staying in his bedroom. I try to clean to you the room and he gets upset about me straightening up. What kind of… you know what? Never mind. I just want to happy and feel appreciated. I’m freaking tired of being sad. I need my own space, my own home for me and my son because I can’t rely on his dad to do anything for us. And honestly I don’t know why I’m going so hard tonight maybe because I’m just up thinking when everyone else is sound asleep. Anyway I’m about to go cry again.
You stay because you love them.
And they tell you they love you.
Because you want to believe it’s somewhere deep in there— and maybe it is.
But not enough.
Not in the way you need.
-MK Ireland #271 : 12/24/2019
You tried to kiss me and I pushed you away. You don’t get to toy with my heart anymore.
MK Ireland 261 : over
You were everything I knew would hurt me, yet I still fell for you anyway.
MK Ireland #256 : fuck boy
You hurt me so quietly, I confused it with love.
MK Ireland #252 : pain & suffering
Intentional or not, if all he’s doing is hurting you, at some point you have to walk away.
MK Ireland #250 : self preservation
I think I’ve finally let you go.
Nothing feels more refreshing.
MK Ireland #249 : f r e s h || a i r
I’m finally starting new again…I’m not sure if that thought’s more refreshing or terrifying.
MK Ireland #247 : leaving you
Breaking up with someone you love is one of the weirdest feelings, and I don’t know how to cope.
Falling out of love.
Emily Dickinson // illustration by @/peopleiveloved on ig // Miranda July,No One Belongs Here More Than You//Taylor Swift,Gold Rush//Ben Davis, Sr. // artwork by @/lettersformagnolia on ig // radio silenceby@ninasdrafts // illustration by @/today.i.am.sad on ig
“so close yet so far”
“the distancing” (2/2)
“the distancing” (½)
