#heartache
A love
That I cannot have
Right now
It hurts
To feel
Absent, yet
Not present yet,
Here, though
Not there though,
Neither inside
Nor not out
Of love, but rather
To feel
It hurts
Right now
That we cannot have
A love.
Maileta /// our timefully-painless loop
You’re only a phone call, a text message, away. It would be so easy to type in your name and write out everything that has been on the tip of my tongue for months. Every thought I’ve had, every emotion I’ve felt, every word left unsaid. I would tell you how much I miss you; tell you how I wake up some days and I can’t breathe quite right because of the ache you left in my chest. I would tell you about everything you’ve missed – graduation, my promotion at work, all my adventures – you would tell me how proud you are of me; your voice would soften around my name, your gaze full of uncertainty and hope. How easy it would be to let the words spill from my lips and finally feel relief from this never-ending ache. You’re only a phone call, a text message away, but none of that makes you less out of reach. Every time I reach for my phone, I feel the weight of the possibilities; my fingertips burn, yearning to type out everything that I am drowning in – but you are just out of reach, a hair too far from my grasp. Everything that once brought us together, now stands between us. My phone has become a deserted museum of what once was – looted of its monuments; only specks of the past remain, glimpses of what could have been. Once full of hope, and laughter, and promises, now barren and forgotten. I ache to walk through its hallways, run my fingers over the walls, but there is nothing left for me there. No evidence that there was ever anything worth displaying – worth remembering.
unsent messages 2.0 (3/?) by (DS)
I didn’t think you would ever be someone I would have to recover from.
how silly to think it could be different by (ds)
i. I graduate tomorrow. You were supposed to be part of that. The night you broke up with me, I wanted to ask you on a date so we could celebrate together. You always told me how proud you were of me. I remember how soft your voice was and how perfectly it wrapped around my name.
ii. Today, instragram asked me if I wanted to unfollow you because I don’t interact with your account anymore. I cried in the bathroom at work because I realized that it’s been a month since we’ve last spoken. It’s been a month since I felt right.
iii. They announced a sequel to your favorite movie – the one you showed me months ago. I still remember the excitement in your voice while you talked about all your favorite parts. You kept apologizing for talking, but what you didn’t understand is that I never wanted you to stop talking. I would give anything to hear your voice again.
iv. Part of me, no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, thinks you could still come back. Maybe we weren’t ready, or maybe it wasn’t our time; maybe there’s a chance that one day, we can love each other in the way we were too scared to.
v. I hope you never regret me. I hope that I gave you just enough of myself that you cherish my memory. I hope you’re able to think about me and smile. More importantly, though. I hope that one day, I can think of you and smile; I hope that your memory doesn’t always shatter my heart, and I am not stuck in this loop of reliving the moment your eyes grew cold over and over again. I hope one day, the world feels right, even if you’re not with me.
messages i almost sent at 2 a.m. (2/?) by (ds)
On the good days, missing you is a warm breeze. I close my eyes and bask in the comfort of what once was, what could have been. I think of your eyes and the way they softened when you spoke to me. I think of your voice and the way it wrapped itself around my name so perfectly. On the good days, missing you is warmth and nostalgia and comfort. On the good days, I can miss you without feeling like my world is crashing.
On the bad days, missing you is drowning. My lungs burn as I gasp for air but they fill with water. I replay every moment in my head over and over again. The moment I saw you give up on us — give up on me. The moment you told me I was wonderful in the same breath you shattered me. The moment you looked at me and your eyes told me everything you never did - the moment your eyes stopped being happy to see me. I am stuck in this constant loop of reliving the moment before the storm, the moment before you left me shattered on the pavement. On the bad days, I remember that you’re probably better off — happier — without me. I am not someone people miss; I am not someone people regret walking away from.
i wonder if you ever think of me - unsent messages 2.0 (1/?) by (ds)
I wish it ended in chaos. I wish it ended with screaming and yelling and harsh words tumbling from acid soaked tongues. I wish it ended in a way that scarred me, lit me on fire, and left something tangible for me to hold on to. But it didn’t. It ended in quiet apologies, heartbroken stares, and silent tears. It ended with you calling me wonderful in the same breath you shattered my heart. It ended with me losing my sense of safety and me, being forced to let go of the one person who ever made me feel right.
please come back, I can’t breathe by (ds)
I try to teach my heart not to want things it can’t have
but it never learns
