Originally from @/heylittlesmile on Instagram! Not my template, i found it on Twitter on some thai celebrity account. If anyone knows this person’s tumblr then feel free to let me know
Right. This was supposed to be a DS9 sorting, and it got… a little out of hand.
I blame the very complex @sortinghatchats (not really.) I recommend their breakdown of the basics, but basically,their character analysis system gives everyone TWO houses.
YourPrimary house is your MOTIVATION. It’s why you do what you do
GRYFFINDOR: I do what I feel is right (MORAL)
RAVENCLAW: I do what I decide is correct (LOGICAL)
HUFFLEPUFF: I do what helps my community (PEOPLE MATTER)
SLYTHERIN: I do what helps me/my inner circle (MY PEOPLE MATTER)
YourSecondaryhouse is your METHOD. It’s your toolbox, how you like to get stuff done;
GRYFFINDOR: Charge! React! Smash the system!
RAVENCLAW: Plan, make tools, gather information.
HUFFLEPUFF: Community-build, grind for points, call in favors
SLYTHERIN: Transform, adapt, find the loophole
So Hermione Granger would be a Gryffindor Primary / Ravenclaw Secondary. She fights forher moral cause bygathering knowledge and learning skills.
Now let’s talk about Garak. What did I get myself into.
Elim Garak wants you to look at him and see a double Slytherin pretending to be a double Hufflepuff. And his Puff performance is really just the thinnest, most pathetic layer possible. Barelyenough for plausible deniability. Lots of “Whhhaaa, lil’old ME? A poor simple TAILOR who wants NOTHING MORE than to make BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES for the people of this FINE STATION? That top secret security clearance code was… something I happened to OVERHEAR. While hemming PANTS.”
Yeah. You are supposed to dismiss that immediately, look beneath “plain, simple Garak” and see the Obsidian Order operative. You are supposed to look at him and see a suave, dangerous chameleon who is always lying, always looking out for himself, very International-Man-of-Mystery, very classical Slytherin. (And kind of a flattering self-portrait, if we’re being honest.)
Butthat’snot real either.
When we see Garak’s realSlytherin Secondary - it’s terrifying. Because it’s subtle.When Garak is reallylying,reallymanipulating, you won’t know it until long after the game is played. We see him maneuver Captain Sisko into assassinating an ambassador byfeeding him just the right information at just the right time, ramping up the stakes, giving him space, playing into the sunk-cost fallacy, persuading Sisko to bend the rules just a little bit… and a little bit more…
Garak is a masterat this. He gets Julian Bashir to run a dangerous errand in “The Wire” by deliberately pinging his hero tendencies - and dropping the name of the relevant system into the conversation, making it look like the natural slip-up of a sick, dying man. Julian goes after Tain for him, and goes after Dukat for him. Garak once deflected an attempt on his life by planting a second bomb himself.
He’s got one hell of a Ravenclaw secondary too. This is Garak the hacker, Garak the codebreaker, Garak who can re-wire a subspace transmitter under truly adverse conditions. But I think that his Ravenclaw (his “disciplined mind”) is a tool that’s been trained into him - it’s not close to his identity, it’s not close to his heart. When Garak thinks “Ravenclaw Secondary” he thinks of the borderline omniscient Enabran Tain, and knows that his own Ravenclaw is only a pale imitation. Enabran Tain himself is a surprisingly straightforward Slytherin/Ravenclaw - but Garak’s got such a twisted, messy relationship with him that it’s spilled into the way he relates to Ravenclaw Secondaries in general.
But. Garak is not the Obsidian Order’s best assassin. He’s not their best spy. He’s not their best code-breaker. He is their best interrogator. So what does that mean???
Interrogation styles + Hogwarts Houses
I’ll admit this question lead me down a sort of research rabbit hole. I know all kindsof things about interrogators and interrogation techniques now, and it’ll probably screw up my algorithms for a little bit. But I’ll talk in terms of Hogwarts houses and fictional characters, because that’s the lens I’m looking though.
Youcandefinitely interrogate with all the Secondaries. There’s the Gryffindorapproach: just steamroll over your subject with conviction and energy. (Batman, Jack Bauer). There’s the Ravenclawmethod: cold, controlled, omniscient, your subject is simply a puzzle, a Rubik’s Cube to be solved. (The Stasi ‘hero’ of The Lives of Others, most villainous interrogators.) There’s even the favored Slytherinapproach, where you stage things so the subject doesn’t even knowthey’re being interrogated. (Gus Fring of Breaking Bad interrogating people under the guise of cooking with them, or serving them food. Marina of The Magicians pretending to be an overwhelmed new recruit in order to vet Julia.)
But the more I read about the very best, most successful real-world interrogators, the more I read about sympathy, empathy, respect, compassion, friendliness. Good interrogators are easy to talk to. They want to understand where you’re coming from. They’ll give you coffee, or scotch. They’ll watch TV with you. “I totally get why you did it, hell, I would have done exactly the same thing in your situation. I want to help you out. You’re not really in trouble. I’m just confused - I think my boss got this one part wrong. Wait, before we get into that, a funny thing happened to me on the way to work.” The current thinking says that star interrogators are Hufflepuffs.Or at least Slytherin Secondaries who are really good at lookinglike Hufflepuffs. There aren’t too many straightforward fictional examples - Will Graham of Hannibal, maybe?
But this is how Garak interrogates. He prides himself on never touching his subjects - he doesn’t needto. All he needs is a tiny bit of Cardassian threat in the background. When he successfully breaks Odo, it’s because he comes at the situation as a friend. Garak is charming, and funny, and really good at understanding people. I also think his general lookhelps him interrogate. Most high-ranking Cardassians look like Dukat: dark eyes, long necks, tall. It’s probably an “aristocratic” thing: our fascist space lizards definitely messed around with genetic augmentation / eugenics at some point. But compact little Garak? With his bright blue eyes? Lower class. (After all, his mom wasa housekeeper.)
I bet Garak leveraged that vibe into approachableandtrustworthy,used it to seem more on a level with his Bajoran detainees. Imagine what a relief Garak would be, after talking to Dukat for five hours.
So. Is Garak a Slytherin Secondary with a really good Hufflepuff model, or a HufflepuffSecondary with a really good Slytherinmodel? I thought about that one for a while. And I’ve come down on the side of Hufflepuff.
It’s just. He keeps up that Hufflepuff outside the interrogation booth, when it isn’tuseful. Garak creates communities, almost involuntarily, even when it’s a bad idea. (Getting close to Julian and Ziyal wasrisky.) It bothers Garak that his friendships are so real. He hatesthat the dirty looks the Bajorans give him bother him so much. He has a huge network of contacts, still. And his problem-solving fallback is not Slyth transformation, but Puff diligence. Stare at the detainee for four hours. Get back on the riding hound for the twelfth time. Assassinate the politician by spending six months pruning bushes at the embassy. He’s “a very good tailor” after all. I can’t help but think that a more Slytherin Garak would have at least been temptedto make a quick buck doing odd jobs for Quark, who he sorta likes. Or apolitical Odo, who he respects. But no - Garak sets himself up with a job that requires a down-to-earth Hufflepuff work ethic.
In “Improbable Cause” Garak thinks that his life is really, truly threatened. And he responds by asking for help. He does it in an absurdly underhanded Slytherin way, but.When he is in trouble, Garak phones a friend. That is alwayshis first instinct.
[The one Secondary Garak just absolutely does not understand is Gryffindor. But it intrigues him. Gryff secondaries are refreshing, they get him out of his head. Kira, Dax, Sisko, Julian - Garak likesthem, despite himself, even when it’s awkward, even when they don’t particually like him.]
Figuring out Garak’s primary was actually pretty easy. Because before he is anything else, Elim Garak is a Cardassian patriot. That motivation is so clear and so loud that it cuts though everything else no problem. He’d die for Cardassia. He’d let Julian die for Cardassia. He’d commit genocide for Cardassia. And if there was a single Gryffindor bone in Garak’s entire body, he would have felt at least a little guilty about that last one. But Garak seems to distrust the entire conceptof morality, the way a lot of Loyalist Primaries do. “A real intelligence agent has no ego, no conscience, no remorse, only a sense of professionalism.” As far as I can figure out, that’s his credo.
But you know what Garak doesfeel guilty about doing?
Helping the Federation fight Cardassia.
Even though he knows “Cardassia” is a Dominion-controlled puppet state, even though he knowshe’s doing what’s best for his planet in the long run, when he’s decrypting messages that help kill Cardassian citizens, he gets debilitating panic attacks.
Because Garak is notloyal to the Cardassian High Command. He’s not even loyal to the Obsidian Order, not really. He’s loyal to an ideal, to an almost poetic sense of what Cardassia really is, that has more to do with art and literature and tradition than it does with politics. And he is neverable to shake this feeling, even though at a certain point I think he would have sold his soul to be a Slytherin Primary, loyal only to Enabran Tain.
Because if you want to talk about Garak, you have to talk about why he is living in exile. He gives Julian three different explanations: he got sloppy, he got lazy, and he sabotaged himself. I’m sure Garak has believed all of these himself, at one point or another. But he’s too much of a solid Hufflepuff Secondary to get sloppy or lazy, so I’m going to look at the last one. What happens when the *real* Cardassia shifts too far away from the *ideal* Cardassia that Garak is loyal to? When families like the Dukats gain too much power? I think Garak starts making mistakes, because he can’t reconcile that crack in his Primary. The same way he makes mistakes later on, forced to fight his Cardassian countrymen.
tl;dr
Garak is a double Hufflepuff, loyal to a sort of ideal Cardassia. He can model one hell of a Ravenclaw secondary, and one hellof a Slytherin secondary, but in the end they are not as close to his soul - not as important to who he is as a person - as that Hufflepuff. But he’s still a spy. So he constructs a very careful performance that he wears… most of the time. And that performanceis an exaggerated double Slytherin pretending to be an exaggerated double Hufflepuff.
So yeah. I amsaying that Garak is a double Hufflepuff who pretends to be a double Hufflepuff. And I think that would make him smile.
JULIAN: Of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren’t?
GARAK: My dear doctor, they’re all true.
JULIAN: Even the lies?
GARAK:Especially the lies.
I really like the two-House model, because it allows for more complexity than just a single designation; and the distinction between motivation and means of action is helpful. And I LOVE this analysis of Garak.
The analysis of Primary Houses bears some resemblance to the Existentialist analysis I came up with a couple of years ago, especially regarding Hufflepuffs and Slytherins. Our accounts of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws are a little different, though: I framed it in terms of what (generic) aims they pursue, whereas this version focuses more on how they decide what (more specific) aims to pursue. They might actually turn out to be theoretically equivalent, though I’d have to think about it some more… After all, someone who considers knowledge and truth supremely valuable will also tend to think that your moral convictions should be intellectually defensible and you should have reasons for the long-term goals you set.
Been wanting to draw Hermione ever since I read Harry Potter back in second grade. Now I’ve finally done it!! So proud of myself!! (even though it doesn’t really look like young Emma Watson and I didn’t have time to really finish this rough sketch…)
Ravenclaw: makes art that makes you think, weirdly chaotic process (ie. using a hair dryer on high blast to work on a painting faster at 2am with a paintbrush in their mouth), can have hour long arguments over whether or not modern art needs to be beautiful, takes way too long to make all of their measurements precise, most likely out of all of the houses to sketch their observations casually, don’t ever copy their work because they pride themselves on their artistic creativity and composition skills and they will tear you down if you do copy their work, all of their works have complex meanings and every part of it is intentional like their color choices or even different sizes of subjects, have a habit of analyzing the proportions of people’s faces, “you have a great nose”, most likely out of all the houses to want to go to an art museum and stare dreamily at all the pieces
Hufflepuff: makes art to make themselves happier (this can either mean using it as an outlet to speak out about their darker/sad emotions or just making art that makes them smile), Van Gogh obsessed, gets a bit frustrated about how thin the pigmentation of yellow paint is because they use it all the time in their works and are too broke to buy more, will gift their art to people because even though it’s hard to part with their work it’s giving a part of themselves to another person, has the cutest biggest smile when someone complements their work, they’re the messiest out of all the houses and will usually have paint/charcoal/marker/whether medium all over themselves and their clothes, will always doodle in class, best at taking criticism (maybe? I feel like they would take it in stride to be better artists. Feel free to disagree), will always complement other artists’s work because they know how amazing that feels
Gryffindor: big bold ideas and colors, I have a feeling most Gryffindors prefer to use paint, besides the ones who go for more “outside the box” materials and try to make installations or sculptures, tend to leave projects unfinished because they start them in a flurry of excitement but then get frustrated when it doesn’t look like how they wanted it to, probably couldn’t explain to you why they created something in a certain way, “so why did you choose to do that” “I just felt like it”, their emotions drive their work and their work ethic, that being said they work in sporadic flashes of enthusiasm before losing the want to create something, your criticism will go in one ear and out the other because they’re making their art for themselves not for others, determined to make their own artistic style
Slytherin: you should feel incredibly honored if they ask you to critique their art because it’s like them baring their soul to you (and because normally Slytherins suck at taking constructive criticism especially if it’s about something so personal), deep and dark topics (even in seemingly happy art), draws a lot of their inspiration from their emotions and past experiences, gets annoyingly competitive about art even though art shouldn’t be a competitive field, never gets paint on themselves, will definitely have a muse that they love to sketch because wow that person takes their breath away, will hide their art if you try to look over their shoulder, tends to hate their art because they have unrealistically high expectations for themselves
Buy yourself flowers. Put them in a nice, preferably glass, vase and set them by a window to watch the sunlight pass over each petal.
Eat chocolate. Specifically milk chocolate and feel the sweetness pass over your tongue.
Smile at strangers who seem a bit sad. There’s a strangely warm feeling that you get from causing someone else to smile. Be kind, always, because you never know what other people are going through.
Sit down and do that school assignment or life task that you’ve been meaning to do. Even if it’s s hard, push through. Afterwards, sit back in satisfaction of the hard work you’ve just accomplished.
Wear soft clothing that lets you feel warm and cozy. Big sweaters and loose pants feel like a constant hug.
Send a friend something sweet or funny that lets them know you were thinking about them. It’s also a good conversation opener if you want to talk with that person more.
Walk barefoot outside and feel every blade of grass or how the cement warms your feet.
Let someone who care for you, know that you appreciate them. Say it to their face and watch the smile form from their lips.
Try baking a dessert. I know not everyone has a sweet tooth, but just try opening a window to let the fresh air in, putting on some oldies love songs, and baking something warm to eat fresh. I highly suggest chocolate chip cookies or muffins with fruit in them.
Acknowledge all of the things that you are proud of yourself for. It is important to practice self love, instead of always showering others with all of your love. Recognize how far you’ve come in life and all of the trials that you’ve persevered through. I’m proud of you. and I hope you’re proud of yourself too.
Don’t self destruct on your quest to have the quintessential life experiences. I know time seems like it’s racing against you and youth is slipping through your fingers, but just stop yourself for a minute. Feel this moment, right now. Notice your heartbeat. Watch your chest rise and fall. You’re alive. Sometimes that’s going to have to be enough. You’ll wear yourself out if you jump at every opportunity. I know that’s just what you do, but I want you to take care of yourself too. Your well-being important.
Sincerely, Someone who has been chasing life with you
Gryffindor: “She flirted with life, and life flirted right back with her, as if all the universe around, became more alive just for her, and everything felt her glow, an incandescence, in the dew, in the stars, in the colors of the sky, and it all shone for her, bright as it could, in the hopes to catch her eye.”
Hufflepuff: “Her love happened to me a hundred times at once, in a thousand different ways, in a million different colors.”
Ravenclaw: “I think it’s beautiful the way you sparkle when you talk about the things you love.”
Slytherin: “She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I’d ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string. And all I wanted of life, was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots.”
You are so full of wonder for the world. Your eyes sparkle like the stars you admire. I want to thank you for being you. I want you to know it’s ok to not live up to people’s standards. You don’t have to be perfect. What if stars were designed to be in straight lines across the heavens? What would happen to all the intricate constellations? Don’t force yourself to fit into the lines that society tries to put you in. You and the stars will shine brilliantly wherever you are.
Sincerely, someone who knows you feel a lot of pressure
Hey honey, it’s ok. Take a deep breath. I know you’re doing your best. I know things are stressful and you’re worried about the future. It’s scary sometimes I get that, but trust me everything will work out. Just remember, you deserve the same happiness you work so hard to give other people.
I promise you, one day there will be someone who stumbles into your life. They will see your good and they will see your bad. They will break down the barriers that you’ve worked so hard to build. Then finally, they will choose to stay. You don’t have to shoulder the world alone; lean on people a little.
Gryffindor: “Tom and Jerry”love- When I first met you I didn’t like you but somehow we grew from that. We play fight a lot and tease each other constantly, but I know we care for each other. We’ve become a solid friendship for troublemaking. When I realized I liked you, it hit me like a truck, and I knew I was screwed. It didn’t end well, I never told you because I didn’t think you’d feel the same way. Now I see you with her and I regret it.
Hufflepuff: “Cherry blossom”love- Loving you was easy. You are the most caring person I know. Whenever you asked me how I was doing, cherry blossoms bloomed in my heart. I honestly have never felt more loved by anyone and I will forever appreciate you for that. You are still such an important person in my life but I guess we were always more familial than romantic. I’m still so happy you love in any way at all.
Ravenclaw: “Nostalgic” love- I’ve known you forever it seems. You calm my nervous fidgeting and make me feel safe. I remember rainy Tuesdays when you would play me new songs or even better, we’d sing them together. You smell like home to me and your arms feel even more like it. I’m constantly in that sleepy, euphoria, at-peace state when you explain how much I mean to you. I don’t ever want to ruin what we have now, so I’ll never tell you how much more you truly mean to me.
Slytherin: “Starry Eyed” love- I see galaxies in your eyes but I know you’d never take time to stare into mine. You were my most painful unrequited love. We never stood on solid ground together in whatever relation we had. You always kept me guessing, but I loved you with my whole chest I always knew you’d go on to change the world and leave me behind. Loving you was an inevitable occurrence, just like how I always look at the stars when I’m outside at night. I just wish you were always around like the stars are.
Waits for you- Slytherins always want to be first in whatever group they’re in when on the move, maybe its a pride issue but anyway they walk pretty fast. However if you’re someone they care about and they see you falling behind the group they’ll slow their pace down or even come to a full stop to let you catch up.
Confide in you- Yes this is technically something all people do when they trust a person but its a bit more serious in Slytherin’s case. Slytherins are all about self preservation and basically refusing to look weak. Showing insecure, sad, or unsure thoughts also comes with a lot of vulnerability. If a Slytherin opens up to you, you should really cherish that they trust you so never betray them. If you do betray them, there’s plenty of dirt they have accumulated on you, intentionally or not.
Keep your secrets- Kind of falling in line behind Slytherins confiding in you, if a Slytherin loves you, they will carry your secrets to the grave (unless you do something really bad to them, like betray them) Slytherins have a bad habit for gossip. Its not that they always seek secrets out, sometimes they overhear conversations or some people will just tell them everything, not realizing exactly the possible consequences. However if a Slytherin loves you they would never pass on your secrets to others for fun, advantages, other secrets, or the trust of those other people. Just don’t betray them, that’s one of the worst things you can do to a Slytherin.
Hufflepuff-
Surprises you- It doesn’t always have to be a big surprise like a party or something. Sometimes Hufflepuffs will just show up, drop a little gift in your lap (the majority of the time food) and give you a smile. They truly enjoy doing these things for you because Hufflepuffs know better than anyone that everyone needs a pick me up from time to time. It’s their way of checking on your stress levels as well.
They will defend you- Hear me out. Hufflepuff will always defend anyone who is being targeted unfairly, that’s just their nature. The thing is though, most Hufflepuffs (in my opinion) will do this with a relatively level head. They will seek out the root of the problem and try to solve whatever argument in before them. However when it comes to someone they love being targeted they can show a bit of the Hufflepuff temper that they usually have reigned in. If someone is just genuinely being rude to you and won’t back down, Hufflepuff’s loyal nature takes over and they aren’t afraid to join a yelling match to protect you. It most likely won’t end in anything physical because most people know Hufflepuffs are usually good natured and just the fact that they are angry may tip the instigator of the problem to back off, but Hufflepuffs aren’t afraid of a fist fight. Later they may feel bad about causing you trouble because of their anger, but that’s when the reassurance that they are a good person should kick in for you.
They will comfort you- Hufflepuffs are always low-key worrying about the people they love. So when you come to them late at night with a shaky voice and wavering eyes, they won’t hesitate to scoop you up, find a comfortable place to sit, and hold you while you tell them what the problem is. This house is particularly good at remembering all the little things that calm you down like trailing their nails lightly over your skin or playing with you hair. After you’ve calmed down and explained everything they will spend the time afterwards trying to cheer you up with maybe hot cocoa and a movie.
Ravenclaw-
Will take your criticism- Ravenclaw don’t like to be told they’re wrong. Nothing annoys a Ravenclaw more than unwanted criticism, but if someone they love (*ahem* you) tries to help them learn from their mistakes, they know you truly want what’s best for them.
They let you calm them down- Ravenclaw tend to get anxious and stressed more easily than other houses, in my opinion (except maybe Hufflepuffs). If they go into panic attack mode, they tend to shut down or lash out on the people around them. Its a defensive mechanism that many Ravenclaw acquire because they never want anyone to see them not as their best. But when you comfort them they’re willing to lean into your arms and try to match their uneven breathing to your steady one.
Will ramble to you- Ravenclaws rambling about the things they love to the people to love is my aesthetic. They get a sparkle in their eye and a excited smile. They know you won’t judge them for being slightly nerdy about whatever they want to tell you. When they love you, they instill their trust in you that lets them feel comfortable enough to talk on and on, which can normally be difficult for some Ravenclaws as they can be people of few words. When they do ramble onto you, you’ll get to see one of their softest sides.
Gryffindors-
Will shower you in affection- This can be different for many types of Gryffindors. The stereotypical loud ones will usually become an affectionate fluff ball who tends to cling onto you like a koala. These are the types who will shout complements to hype you up and have absentminded soft smiles when they look at how beautiful you are. Quieter Gryffindors will show their affection in good morning and good night texts or giving you shy complements daily. Their eyes show how in love they are with you.
Looks for you in a crowd- Gryffindors tend to be social people or, even if they’re not, a fair amount of Gryffindor introverts get dragged to social things. You tend to be a touchstone for any type of Gryffindor. In a crowd of people their eyes are scanning for you and they will smile in relief when they find you. It really shows that you are the person they care most about.
They respect you so much- Now don’t get me wrong, all the houses respect their s/o’s but Gryffindor really takes the title for it. Chivalry isn’t dead (for either gender) and they will be the most polite endearing people by opening doors, carrying your things, and protecting you for mean people. They seriously respect you so much and will never take anything to far if you are uncomfortable in any way. Their admiration for you also falls under this category but they seriously admire everything that you do in general: your work ethic, they way you treat people, your beauty. They will never waste your time by showing up late to a date. They will never flirt with anyone else. Gryffindors love with their whole heart and the way they treat you honestly shows it.
Oof I’ve been gone so long. I want to blame it on the fact that my phone doesn’t let me write original posts because the keyboard keeps disappearing when I bring it up, but I know its also because I’m lazy. I promise to pay more attention to this blog and come up with more posts for you all to enjoy! Thank you for much for being so patient through the dry spell. I have two posts in my drafts right now that you guys can look forward to!
